Manipulation is all about Power and Control

[Leah]

What is manipulation?

Manipulation is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:

Get you what you want from others even when the others are not willing initially to give it to you.

Make it seem to others that they have come up with an idea or offer of help on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote this idea or need for help for your own benefit.

Dishonestly get people to do or act in a way which they might not have freely chosen on their own.

"Con'' people to believe what you want them to believe as true.

Get "your way'' in almost every interaction you have with people, places, or things.

Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than the way it "really is.''

Hide behind a "mask'' and let people see you in an acceptable way when in reality you are actually feeling or acting in an ``unacceptable'' way for these people.

Maintain control and power over others even though they think they have the control and power.

Make other people feel sorry for you even though it would be better for them to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own actions.

Get away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your obligations, responsibilities, and duties in life.

Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to face the problems alone.

Keep everything the same so that the "status quo'' is not affected or changed.

Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which are yours alone.

Get others to feel like they are responsible for your welfare so that you do not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in your life.


Well, in view of the above, and, the other thread which speaks in a positive vein,

frankly, manipulation is not a positive trait ....... surely ?

Interesting, I just had to find out exactly what this word meant in action.

Leah
/color]

[seasons]

Leah,

Thank you so much for putting this into words. This is my oldest sister, I will use this as a tool, a reminder and share it with my husband he will be in shock how well she is described here.

Your gifts of knowledge are appreciated so much, seasons

[Leah]

Oh, thank you Seasons,

for your encouragement.

At the moment, I am just making notes alongside my word.doc regarding my NSister,

and my NDad too, regarding his latest ploy/tactics.

They are a nightmare the pair of them.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

How is manipulation a control issue?

Manipulation is a control issue because:


The goal of manipulation is to control and overpower other people to do what you want them to do for you.

It is the unhealthy use of "power'' tactics to get something for yourself even if it robs others of their freedom of choice, reason, and rationality.

It uses control behaviors such as suicidal gestures to blackmail people to do and be for you the way you want them to be.

Sets up over controllers to rescue, as you get away with shifting your responsibility for yourself off onto others, you will become more helpless so will seek out "fixers,'' "caretakers,'' and "rescuers'' to take care of you.

Hooks others since you might be an unchangeable and uncontrollable factor in someone else's life and yet keep that person "hooked'' into trying to "be there'' for you when it becomes unhealthy or toxic for that person to continue to do so.

It involves dishonesty, deceit, use of masks, lack of clarity of messages sent, and pretense in order to get people to be the way you want them to be.

It can be a subtle use of control over others since you get them to do for you what they might not have freely chosen to do on their own will.

It is a form of mind control or brainwashing to control the thinking of others in a way which may not be consistent with their previous pattern of behavior, feeling or thinking.

Subversive means to get others to puppet what you lead them to do is use of power and control which is problematic and dangerous for those manipulated.

Power position since it places the "manipulator'' in a power position in control of the emotions and reasoning of those being manipulated.



My NMom and my NSister are masters of the above art.

If only I had known then, what I know now!

Leah

[reallyME]

Ah Leah...you mean the stuff that televison sit-coms are made of!

i'll show what I mean:

Get you what you want from others even when the others are not willing initially to give it to you.

sister: "no! it's MY cereal...you go get your own"
brother:  "oh my gosh! LOOK!"
sister: (turns head toward doorway where brother is pointing)  "WHAT?"
brother: (grabs cereal bowl from sister and starting to eat from it)
sister: "HEY!"
brother:  "awwww, thank you so much for the cereal, sis"

(generally, on a sit com, this is responded to with laughter.  In real life it is rude and mean!)

Make it seem to others that they have come up with an idea or offer of help on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote this idea or need for help for your own benefit.

Madge:  "Wow, Deena, look at this new fall line-up.  I think you'd look adorable in that red velvet dress.  Don't you
Deena:  "i don't really care for it myself"
Madge:  (ignoring Deena's preference) "Oh and it zips up the back with little bows near the hips..."
Deena: "uh huh, but it's not for me"

(the night comes for the mutual banquet and Madge hands Deena the red velvet dress), "oh Deena, you made such a perfect choice!"
Deena: "huh?"

Dishonestly get people to do or act in a way which they might not have freely chosen on their own.

Mitch, a little innocent boy who just wants to mind his own business and learn at school, is approached by a bully.
Bully:  "hey butthead!  Gimmee your sandwich!"
Mitch: "but it's MINE"
Bully: (makes a ominous fist in MItches face)  "but you WANT to give it to ME, riiiiiiiiiiiight?"
Mitch: "oh yeah, right" (hands over sandwich to bully)

"Con'' people to believe what you want them to believe as true.

This can be seen in situations where a guy marries a bunch of women in other countries or states, but tells each one when he's with them "you're the ONLY one for me!"

Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than the way it "really is.''

This actually HAPPENED to my eldest daughter.  her teacher told the class to put their heads down.  Instead of doing so, my daughter, who was very active, was looking around the room still.  The teacher came over, forced her head down and the pencil my daughter was holding, put a small hole in her nostril.  When I went to school with Carol to confront the teacher, the teacher looked at Carol and said "that never HAPPENED DID it, Carol?"  Carol, having a mother who taught her to have her own mind, refused to agree...but you see how that worked.

Make other people feel sorry for you even though it would be better for them to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own actions.

addicts are great at this one.

Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to face the problems alone.

do any of US on Vboard do this I wonder?

Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which are yours alone.

A mother spills her drink and says to child "now LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!"

Get others to feel like they are responsible for your welfare so that you do not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in your life.

I"m about to deal with such a situation tonight with my friend's housemate issue.

Maybe those are some helpful mental pictures to show what is involved in manipulation.

[Leah]

Laura,

The manipulation employed in the game of power and control over my life, in one instance, almost resulted in the loss of my life.

It is actually quite serious in many, or even most, real life situations.

Speaking personally.

Leah

[changing]

Hi Leah-

Thank you for defining the terms used- it really makes more sense and has meaning that way- otherwise two people can use a term and mean totaly different things, as well.

Love,

Changing

[Leah]

Thanks, Changing

I really like and value Bella's explanation of the difference between 'Manipulating' and 'Influencing'

of which Infuencing can be to a good effect for someone's life.

Love, Leah

[changing]

Hi Leah-

Yes, that is so true- influencing for good must be distinguished from manipulation by force,threat or duplicity, otherise the terms have no meaning, it seems. Thank you Leah for this- my husband would try to muddy up the truth by using terms that meant something else for certain behaviors- ie "manipulation" instead of influencing. This tactic is used by governments, by religions as in the Inquisition, etc., and individuals in order to provide a layer of protection for their misdeeds. Maddening!

Love,

Changing

[alone48]

When spelled out like this, I hope to think I influence more than try to manipulate.

[changing]

Hi Alone-

From what you have shared, you strive to influence for good, even those who seek to manipulate you. Hope younare doing well! (((((Alone)))))

Love,

Changing

[alone48]

Changing,

Thanks, so much. Even when I get down, I hope that I don't do anything malicous or with malintent. Generally I believe people treat you the way you treat them, or at least I did until I met N......what an experience. Again thanks and I think I'm doing better for now. How about you>?

[changing]

Hi Alone-

Thank you for asking about me.Today was the second day of the new law school term. Last term started out so very well, and then my husband succeed in derailing me quite seriously using some pretty heavy duty tactics.  Haven't gotten my grades yet but I consider it a personal triumph just to have persevered- I know that I could have done better , though, and was sick and exhausted when I took my finals. I love law school ,though- that is certain!
I am prepared again this term and have major pressing matters but have plunged right in, and seem to be do very well (knew the concepts, elements, etc- felt embarrassed a bit to answer questions, but some of them went unanswered by the rest of the students so I piped in- somehow I feel that I made a fool of myself last term, so I must keep a low profile until Iredeem myself).
My husband has been leaving me alone for the most part, I think because of his Work Comp lawsuit- he said they were examining him again for his stress claim. When that is settled and when the final divorce matter comes up shortly, I hope that only the property division, which is enough of a pain in itself, remains an issue, and he doesn't try to inflict any more unwarranted harm and ruin my second term- but regardless, I am going to hang in and enjoy life as I find it!

Love To You and Thank You for Your Interest!!!!

Changing

[alone48]

Changing,

CONGRATS, sounds like you are off to a great start. I always had wanted to go to law school (brother and father were both attorneys/both deceased), but ended up on the fringes. Most of my jobs have to do with law in some aspect, but never quite did anything else. Kudos to you and don't let the ex derail you. My ex use to be supportive in most endeavors, until he realized I actually might accomplish something and then pulled out all stops. Thankfully yours has something else to deal with, so maybe it can take his mind off of you. You go girl.

[changing]

Hi Alone-

Thank you Alone. I hope that you can do what you feel is your passion in life for good, and that anyone who would impede you gets the heave-ho!!!

You might go to one of the many law schools that offer part-time and nontraditional schedules, and can get student loans that can be paid  by the goverment and ultimately forgiven if you work for 10 years in public service! The January  LSAT is  too close to sign up for now, but you might start school in the summer and take the LSAT then (many schools allow this)

Love and Best Wishes,

Changing