Dating

[tayana]

I have a question, and I figure the more people I talk to will help me figure out what I'm feeling.

I went on a date today.  I've never actually been on a date, and this one was very low key.  I wasn't feeling too much anxiety until the girl showed up, then I started feeling it.  I was so nervous, but we had fun and by the time the date ended I was feeling much more relaxed.  I liked her, but I don't know how to tell what I'm really feeling.  If I really just liked her as a friend or if there's something more.

And I'm having a really hard time with touch and being touched.  I wanted to touch her, and the most I managed was a hug when she got there and when left.  A few times I started to reach and caught myself.  I'm just afraid to touch and be intimate.  I guess I need some help.  I'll talk to my T about it.  I'm seeing her this week. 

I just don't know how I feel, truthfully I feel sort of numb.  She had mentioned she might want to get together tomorrow, but I might have to turn her down because I need a day to process things.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing this?

[Ami]

Intimacy is a "bummer" for those of us with a lot of shame from an N parent.                           Ami

[tayana]

But see Ami, I don't want it to be a bummer.  I like this person, and I want to be able to touch her without cringing.  She's not an N, and I'm tired of feeling crippled because I go stiff when someone hugs me, touches me or tries to get close.

[Ami]

Your shame about yourself is what IS making you cringe(IMO). Your healing needs to start there ,in order to reach your goal--intimacy with another person(IMO)        Ami

[Bella_French]

Dear Tayana,
Do you have mutual interest in common (I dunno, really- like hiking, or seeing movies, a band, or something?). Maybe the pressure would ease a bit if you did something like that?

X bella

[Ami]

Dear Bella,
  You are so "practical" and *I* am so "deep"(LOL)                   Love    Ami

[axa]

Dear T,

Think you are very brave and I admire your courage............too scared  to do any dating myself.

xxxxxxxx

axa

[BonesMS]

I have a question, and I figure the more people I talk to will help me figure out what I'm feeling.

I went on a date today.  I've never actually been on a date, and this one was very low key.  I wasn't feeling too much anxiety until the girl showed up, then I started feeling it.  I was so nervous, but we had fun and by the time the date ended I was feeling much more relaxed.  I liked her, but I don't know how to tell what I'm really feeling.  If I really just liked her as a friend or if there's something more.

And I'm having a really hard time with touch and being touched.  I wanted to touch her, and the most I managed was a hug when she got there and when left.  A few times I started to reach and caught myself.  I'm just afraid to touch and be intimate.  I guess I need some help.  I'll talk to my T about it.  I'm seeing her this week. 

I just don't know how I feel, truthfully I feel sort of numb.  She had mentioned she might want to get together tomorrow, but I might have to turn her down because I need a day to process things.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing this?

Is this a first date?  If so, it's OK to take things slow.

Bones

[Leah]

What's dating ???

Yours truly,

Leah 'scaredy cat'

[tayana]

Ami, I am not ashamed.  I am afraid.  There is a difference.

Bella, we do have a lot in common.  We're thinking about seeing a movie next.

This was a first date, and we've both agreed to go slow.  however, she's a very touchy person, and I'm not.

Axa, if it makes you feel better I am scared to death.  At one point, H gave me a hug and said, "Thanks for being brave."  This took a lot for me to do, even in such a relaxed atmosphere.

Leah, I'm still not sure what dating is.  This was the first one I've ever been on.

[Izzy_*now*]

What's 'touchy'?

Holding hands as you walk down the street, or sit in a theatre?  or is crawliing all over you?
OK!

Hug when you start
And hug when you parti
In between talk of movies and art
Then go home alone and think.
You talked about books
How well each one cooks
You did like her looks!
You'll know whether or not you're in sync

Dating is just two people getting together to enjoy time together at a gallery, a movie, a dance, for dinner, for a drink,

Well I remember a first date with a guy when I was 21. We were in the same bowling league, but separate teams. He really took to me and when he bowled his frame, he would come over to me and for 3-4 months would try to kiss me and I never allowed it, but tension was building over that length of time.

We finally went on a date about 4 months into this and he was all male, held me like Rhett Butler, standing and thoroughly kissed me and my knees buckled and he had to drag me to a chair, because I couldn't stand! Ho ho ho BOY!!

[tayana]

Touchy is . . . well, she wasn't crawling all over me.  I couldn't have handled that.  I would have totally freaked in fact.  She would brush against me sometimes, touch my back, my hand.  I managed the hug when we started and the hug when we left.  I even initiated the one when we left.  We talked and laughed.  She told me I had pretty eyes and was beautiful and all of that stuff.  I don't do well on the reciprocating end of things like that.  I think I listened a lot and talked about neutral topics a lot.

We finally went on a date about 4 months into this and he was all male, held me like Rhett Butler, standing and thoroughly kissed me and my knees buckled and he had to drag me to a chair, because I couldn't stand! Ho ho ho BOY!!

Izzy, I hope this was a good thing.  LOL! 

I guess I'm just not used to really showing emotion.  I've always been so guarded.  H said she wished we had a few more hours (she had to leave) because I would have been relaxed by then.  She was probably right.  So that was my first real date.  I've had sort of dates before, but nothing like today.  It really was wonderful.

[Izzy_*now*]

The first part sounds okay, but for the touching, if you really didn't like it Did any part of that paragraph bother you? If so, then honesty is best and TIME takes care of a lot of things. and Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo an brush up against you,  a hand on your back, your hand---she likes you-- and things like that would make me flip--but that is the physical--there is more and you know.

and OK--if today was really wonderful, all things included, then you have had a taste of what is to come.

My Rhett Butler was married, but legally separated. Divorce laws in Canada did not change until 1968. He and I were 1961.
I was (maybe still am) 'old school' was wild about him but it felt so hopeless. I was at his parents house and met them and his sister. They were all great and liked me. But I couldn''t open up about where we stood, he, me, us, I.

I love his name. Jack Delaney! My tummy does a little flip when I remember that first kiss.

Then I thought I might be preganat, six-seven months in, and I ran away. I wasn't pregnant. I moved 500 miles away and he was so baffled, knew I was holding back, couldn't understand, and I had no idea what I was going to do. Then my period came--but he was still a married man.

I have run away from many things without explaining, because I just never knew what to do. Wrong! Wrong! Dishonest!

Cheers
Izzy

[emptied]

I am so glad and happy for you  that you had a wonderful time! I agree that those little touches she gave you were signs that she REALLY TRULY does like you. I did want to say here that you shouldn't pressure yourself at this point about what you feel. You really don't know this person well yet and aren't expected to know what you feel. I am pretty much in isolation at this point, but if I weren't I would have a rule that I never got TOO involved with anyone for the first six months. Never anything I couldn't just walk away from. The thing is that in dating you tend to see someone's "Dating face" for the first four to six months. At the sixth month point you should have seen them in enough situations to have some idea who they really are. If you still like who they are at six months then you can start to decide how you feel. Right now, just enjoy getting to know someone that thinks you are wonderful.

  E

[Hopalong]

Heck, Tay...you did great.
I don't understand why someone's supposed to be ready for intimate touches on the first date, or even the sixth.

I think touching is more comfortable and more meaningful when it arises out of a sense of knowing who you're touching. Wanting to touch the person, not just the attractive body.

So I say there's nothing wrong with you, and there's no reason you have to be rushed.

If you feel rushed, just say so. If you're really liking her, just say that too.

I agree that doing active things together, not just things where you're always sitting close together, is a good idea.

Years ago when people dated we intentionally did as many different types of things as we could think of...not just the meal and movie.

Enjoy it at YOUR pace. That's a boundary thing. And you get to set them no matter who it is.

love,
Hops