Detachment

[lighter]

Lupita's sharing and teaching lessons she's learning.....

I knew this day would come

It's the next step in solidifying them for yourself.

The next step is teaching what you, yourself, are incorporating into your world.

[Lupita]

No Violet, not weird at all, it seem too much too familiar. We are in a different field but struggling with the same thing. Depending on others for our validation. leting others define us. Not loving our selves. I seem like a broken disk like Ami, and so many of us, but deep in the soul that is the result. Detachment is a pain killer, a tool for the tool box, but at the end, as Ami broken disk and me and others, is the love of our selves that will save us. and we just dont.

[Leah]

Discerning Minds

Leadership is all about connection and the fastest way to break connection is to fail to listen to others. So listening and caring about what you are hearing is crucial. But it is a good idea to use some discernment once that is done. I can’t imagine everything you hear during the day is useful or even that it all makes good sense. A lot of what I heard in the superintendent’s office was spectacularly idiotic and a lot more didn’t really help me with my work. I have to admit some of that came from my own mouth. The point here is that all of us aren’t wise all the time. You have to filter what is said and suggested.

Discernment, common sense, and wisdom ~ free gifts!

~ mindfullness.

Leah x


PS   are all these articles from that "Teachers Net" website Lupita?   it certainly looked a good place to be.  happy for you, Lup  

[Lupita]

Well Lihter, it is the need, need is what kills us. The day we donot need anybody to tell us good job because we know we did a good job, just because we know it, that day we will be free. As long as we need recognition, very human indeed, but that is the secret.
I left the board for several weeks because I was not being understood, the end, my loss, so i came back, and I post, if I care for responses, I suffer, if I only post for the heck of post, I get many good responses, when I just enjoying posting something that I think is useful, something that I know, i do not need to hear it, just know is good, then I get responses that are incredibly validating.

Like the bank, the bnk does not give money to the people who need money, they send money only to people with good credit. So, it is my need at the end of the day, what determines how I feel, and it is how I feel at the end of the day what determins my life.

It is so nice to have friends. I love you so much dear warriors. Lady warriors or the mind.

[Lupita]

Well lea, that is what I pray for everyday, the ability to discern, to know what i can change and what I cannot, so I can pick my battles, with out feeling helpless or hopeless.
Thank you.

[Lupita]

Did you know you are powerless of other people's expectations of you? We cannot control what others want, what they expect from us, or what they want us to be or do. We can however, control how we respond to other people's expectations.Why is that so hard to understand?

WE spend so much wasted time, worrying over what other people, (our ex, our ex in-laws, our neighbors, our friends and church friends) think of us.[/b][/size][/size][/size][/size][/size][/size][/color][/u] During any course of any given day, people will make demands on our time, talents, energy, money and emotions. We do not have to say yes, to every request. We do not have to feel guilty or obligated when we say no. And we do not have to allow the demands of others to control our life.

We do not have to react to every situation with our ex.

Trust and listen to God. Set boundaries that protect yourself from being tossed like a wave. Give yourself time to set goals and a direction for you new life.

What do you want? What does God want from you now that He has your attention. (divorce will do that) Think about responding to others needs rather than consumed by what other people think or demand from you. With God you can choose a path that is right.
I pray today that you can detach peacefully from those you no longer have to please anymore.

"...then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind o teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things, grow up into Him, who is the head, that is Christ."

Ephesians 4:14-15


Copyright 2000-2008
Picket Fences Divorce Recovery Ministry
All Rights reserved

[lighter]

I don't see it as 'need' that kills us.  As humans, we require empathy.... we need contact and reciprocal relationships.

I still discern it as 'hope' in that we're still hoping to fill our needs through some warnped twisted avenue that isn't open to us.  Has never been open to us.

And yet we hold expectations that it will clear.... one day, if only, when, because it just has to, etc.

If we accept that mother won't ever be the mother we needed..... if we accept father won;t ever protect us, if we accept that we won't ever be validated or praised by those who should offer unconditional love to us.....

then we can mourne it and turn away toward other, more uplifting healthy people and interests.

When we can sustain ourselves during the lonlier times and say yes to healthy relationships and no to dysfunctional ones.....

enforce boundaries without having to struggle too hard...... are we on our way?

[Lupita]

by Doreen Virtue, Ph.D.


Did you ever have one of those dreams where you were trying to call someone and the telephone did not work? Well, the current Mercury retrograde energy is creating communication issues along those lines. How ironic that Mercury went retrograde on Valentine’s Day in the emotionally sensitive time of Pisces.

Communications within relationships may seem difficult or strained until the end of the month. You may notice people (including yourself) bickering or arguing more than usual. However, as irritating as Mercury retrograde can seem, it always brings blessings in disguise by allowing us to clear away anything that is out of integrity or steeped in lower energy.

This is also a wonderful time to practice the spiritual art of detachment with love. Many Lightworkers experience stress when people around them are not happy because the mission of Lightworkers is to help bring peace. So you may take it personally if your loved one is not happy, and try to fix the situation for them.

Of course we are here to be thoughtful and loving beings. But sometimes, the most loving thing to do is nothing. In the unedited Urtext version of A Course in Miracles, Jesus explains that renowned spiritual healer Edgar Cayce erred by saying “yes” to everyone’s requests for his help. Jesus said that Cayce should have said “no” more often, and that Cayce hurt his body through overwork.

Jesus explained that he himself didn’t say “yes” to everyone, because he chose to treat himself with love. Instead of wearing out his body, Jesus went on frequent fasting and meditation retreats alone in nature.

Jesus said that Cayce was coming from his ego by never declining anyone’s request for help, because the ego believes that it’s special. Saying yes without boundaries is an ego device built on the false belief that our help is special, so it is owed to the other person even if we are exhausted or busy. In contrast, saying no is treating yourself with love, and ultimately it has loving benefits for those around you.

This fits with Archangel Michael’s message that 2007 is a year for us to practice Lightening Up. Each year, Michael gives us a theme with divine assignments and 2007 is geared toward helping us to learn to detach with love. Joy is your highest level of energy, and when you are happy, you uplift those around you.

When we “Lighten Up”, we are more motivated to work on our priorities and life purpose, because tension can make us procrastinate out of fear of failure or success. Detach from the outcome of projects you are involved in, and don’t even think about the possibility of failure. (Your angels can help you to keep your thoughts uplifted). Instead just enjoy each present moment of engaging in your priorities and purpose.

Remember to call upon the angels for help with any stressful situation you encounter. The angels want to help you to feel peaceful, regardless of what is going on around you. Here is the angels’ guidance:

Don’t take people’s angry words or actions personally. Know they’re reacting to their internal anger, which has nothing to do with you.

Detach from all drama. Don’t get hooked into plots involving guilt, shame, or anger.

Call upon Archangel Gabriel to guide your communication.

Call upon Archangel Raguel to maintain or rebuild harmony in relationships.

Call upon Archangel Michael to protect you from harsh, competitive, or angry energies.

Take frequent breaks from work, especially if you are involved in stationary work such as sitting in front of a computer.

Engage in daily physical exercise to increase feelings of relaxation and well being. Yoga is especially helpful right now.

Avoid mood altering chemicals.

To benefit from the clearing energy of Mercury retrograde, use the affirmation: “I am willing to release that part of me that irritates me when I think of you.” The ego doesn’t own its shadows, so it projects them onto other people. This affirmation helps us to recognize and heal our shadow sides.

Bring your sense of humor with you whenever you are with other people. Laughter can rapidly uplift any situation.

And most importantly: cut yourself and others a lot of slack right now. Have compassion for everyone, because we are all feeling extra sensitive right now.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doreen, known as the "Angel Lady" is a well-known author, lecturer & world traveler. For info and seminar schedules visit her website at  www.angeltherapy.com You can call Doreen toll-free in the U.S. by dialing 1-866-903-8255

   

[Lupita]

Detachment * Can You?
a.k.a. Let go or be dragged ...
 

I was on this very topic yesterday with a friend. Her parting words were something like it sounded like a good idea but she had “never been good at detaching.” Hours went by before I had the “ah ha!” Detachment doesn’t come easily to anyone! It is one of the most difficult of all the Love Skills to master …
 

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse affects of another person’s behavior* can be a means of detaching: This does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still Love the person without liking the behavior.
~ Al-Anon Family Groups

Detachment means you can stop:
Suffering because of the actions or reactions of other people
Allowing yourself to be used or abused by others
Doing for others what they can do for themselves
Manipulating situations so others will eat, got to bed, pay bills, exercise, or do whatever you think they “should” do.
Covering up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
Creating A Crisis
Preventing a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
 

* Definition of “Another Person’s Behavior”: Often ends with “ing” * thinking, eating, speaking, spending, drinking, worrying, complaining, smoking, gambling, procrastinating, working, not working … dying. Which one is worrying you right now?


Detachment Practices:

SO = Significant Other a.k.a anyone who inspires your need to control or pushes your buttons * anger, fear, resentment … If they weren’t significant, you wouldn’t care!
 

#1. Agree! Instead of disagreeing with something your SO says try saying “You could be right.”

Detach from your need to be right, smarter, better, …
 

#2. Pillow Fight! Next time you feel worried about your SOs behavior – what they are doing or not doing – tell yourself that you will worry about it later. In fact, make a Pillow Fight Date with yourself. During that time – say 3:00 to 3:30 p.m. you will do nothing but worry and vent. Beat pillows, talk to your pillow, focus on the worst case scenario and only the worst case scenario. Give yourself permission to wallow and only wallow – no solutions – no hope allowed during this time. BUT (and this is very important) when your time is up – your Pillow Fight is over – get back to detachment.

You can set 5, 10+ pillow fights during the day if that is what it takes – the point is to get “it” out appropriately vs. allow “it” – worry, fear, anger -seep into and spoil your day – your life.

Detach from your habit of anger, resentment, overwhelm, feeling taken advantage of …

What is your emotional habit? Everyone has one.
 

#3. Walk it off! The next time you start in, get up and walk it off, literally. Walk around the block and smell the flowers, window shop, find a puppy to pet … keep your focus on your body parts – feel your legs pumping – notice your breathing Just a five or ten minute walk break can help you detach and get back into the flow of Love & life.

Detach from the habit of repressing and going “numb.”

Get “it” out in a healthy physical way vs. an unhealthy way … drinking, smoking, eating, ulcering, insomnia, hair loss ….

#4. Breathe! Notice your breathing right now. Is it coming up from your tummy or from high in your stressed out chest? When we are upset we tend to breathe high and shallow, or, at an extreme, suffer from Stress Related Asthma. I ended up in the hospital once at 2:00 a.m. with this and a bad case of denial … that’s another story, another time.



How to Breathe Properly How To Relax At Your Desk


Detach from shutting down, literally, when you are in pain.
How do you shut down? Is it working for you?
 

#5. Talk it Out! Have coffee with a friend or someone who may have gone through what you’re going through and could share their experience and hope. If you need to talk it out with a “pro” get several referrals from your doctor.

Detach from the need to suffer in silence.

“Isolation is the darkroom in which we develop our negatives.”
 

Finally … detachment is a Love Skill. Just like any skill – cooking (yikes!), hitting a killer backhand shot, dancing Salsa - it requires practice and patience to master. We are programmed to worry, blame and try to control other people and situations. Just for today try something new and start building a life you’ll Love to share with that very special SO … Love on! Viveca


Detaching
Living Your Own Life
One of the greatest issues facing many Nons is the enmeshment that they feel with their significant others demonstrating borderline traits. Being with someone with borderline traits is extremely hazardous to your self esteem. You may have been led to believe that you aren’t good enough to be with someone better. That you deserve all of the treatment that you receive at the hands of your BPSO. All of these sorts of statements come from your significant other’s fear of being abandoned by you.


In Amistad, Stephen Speilberg’s film, as food runs short some slaves are pushed over the side of the boat while still chained together. Of course, they sink to the bottom of the ocean and drown together. It is a horrifying, chilling scene that you can never forget. Are you chained to a person who is going to drag you someplace you would rather not go? Detaching means simply disconnecting yourself from another, and allowing them to go their own way while you go your own way. This doesn’t necessarily mean separation nor divorce. Emotional detachment can help even if you are a dedicated stayer. You can and must live your own life more fully even if you decide to stay. Critical to this endeavor is emotionally detaching from the effects of the disorder upon you. When your significant other says something that is untrue or unkind, question it in your own mind. Determine if they have a real point, and if so, work on it. If not, detach and don’t allow that unkind or untrue thing to hurt you. Tell yourself that it is the disorder that is talking. Gaining this detached zen-like state will help you to keep a better hand hold on reality. If you get emotionally torn up by everything your significant other says, then you aren’t taking care of yourself. If you can’t take care of yourself , then you certainly aren’t doing your significant other any good by sticking around.
There have been books written on overcoming an addiction to a person. It’s terrible to be emotionally attached to a person who is dragging you down with them. Each Non must walk their own road to recovery from the devastating effects of BPD on their lives, it is up to you to decide whether that walk is a trip you need to take by yourself or with your significant other.

An Exercise
Imagine that what is happening is a movie. You are watching yourself and your partner. If the feelings remain too intense, make it a black and white movie.If it’s still too intense, step back one more.. watch yourself, watching yourself. Carlos Castenada called it first person removed and second person removed.In NLP framework, it’s called ’taking the observer position’. There is a whole process to use if you are not able to do it easily.

This involves taking three pieces of paper.. marking one: Observer, the second: Self, third: Other.Place them on the floor. Then remember an interaction with the ’other, the SO’. Pick one that was ’medium’.. that is, hard but not overwhelming.

Stand in your own position first, ’self’. Remember to step back into that moment in time, feeling what you felt, thinking what you were thinking. Listen to the internal dialogue. If you are really tactile, write down your thoughts, feelings and impressions on the paper. Pay attention to your perceptions. Do you feel your own size or is the SO much taller? ARe you responding at your current age, or have you gone back to a part of your childhood when someone in authority was standing over you and attacking you? If so, make a conscience effort to regain your present age and with all the knowledge you have now. Make sure you are looking ’eye’ to ’eye’, with equality of size. When it is over, take a few long and deep breaths.

Then step back to ’now’. Reorient yourself. Then step into the "Observer’ right on top of that piece of paper. Again, replay the memory but watch yourself watching yourself and the other. Pay attention to how the ’self’ is standing, body tension, facial expressions, like you are watching through a secret window or two way mirror. Listen to tone of voice of both ’self’ and ’other’. What ’triggers’ the ’self’ into acting or responding in less than resourceful ways? Use this to gather a lot of information, like a reporter, reporting a breaking news story. When you are done, take some deep breaths and step back into the present, the ’now’. If you need to make notes, please do so on the paper you were standing on.


Lastly, review.. figure out what words, actions, accusations, etc. are your ’triggers’. Imagine a new response. Think about a similar event happening. Go into detail, what you will say.. focus on YOU, not the SO. Chances are you can predict what they will say, but don’t get caught up in that right now. See things ending in a different way, with you coming out of the experience with your BPSO feeling calm, resourceful, staying in YOUR reality. Repeat this as often as you need to, creating a new ’map’ for you to use in the next similar interaction.If during the interaction, you begin to feel those old feelings of being attacked, move to the ’Observer’ position. Make the images black and white. Or imagine that you are taller than your SO.
Fine tune the process. Review each incident and repeat the exercise until you are acheiving different outcomes.

Some call it ’detaching with love’. Or with caring/compassion. The important part is to hear what’s being said without being over whelmed by the feelings of your partner.

See also Emotional Detachment .


BPD411 Home - Services - Resources - Partners - Contact Us - Mailing List



Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.

Copyright (c) 1996-2003 Turtle Island Center Family Services [1996] Incorporated More

 

[Violet]

Lupita,
Wanted to thank you for helping me refocus and giving me some new weaponry for my battle.  I am having such a hard time this morning getting the board to "take" my posts!!  Grrr!!!  I'll try again later....

(((((((Lupita)))))))   Violet

[Lupita]

In this Issue:
Quick Manifesting Morsel: Q/A: Confused: If I detach aren't I putting it out of my mind?
** Tele-series invitation: EFT to Attract your Ideal Relationship: Free Audio special.


Quick Manifesting Morsel: With Anisa Aven
Q: I'm using your Conscious Creation e-course and something has me confused! If you're using your thoughts to turn a dream into a reality and the stronger those thoughts the better the outcome then where does the detachment fit in? If I detach aren't I putting it out of my mind? Thanks. Lindsay

A: This is a beautiful question about how to learn the art of detachment. It may feel that as you increase your thoughts and strengthen your focus that you're actually becoming more attached to what you want and thereby preventing its manifestation.

However, what's really happening is that the more you imagine what you want, and the more your taste-buds begin to salivate for the real thing, the more you trigger your level of consciousness to respond.

It's essential, as a conscious creator, to become aware of the two levels of consciousness and where you are at any one time.

One is attached and repels the manifestation. The other is detached and attracts it.

If you feel negative, then your level of consciousness about this particular manifestation is that you don't deserve it, you can't ever have it, or it's not possible for you to manifest it. This is attachment.

It's the FEAR, ANGER, DOUBT, SADNESS, or WORRY that you are NOT unlimited and therefore you cannot expect to have what you want that is at the core of being attached. It's not the 'vision' itself, but the fear of not having your vision that is the attachment.

If you feel positive, allowing, willing, courageous, accepting, expecting or trusting, then you are detached.

Your objective is NOT to stop thinking about what you want but to be able to feel positive when you think about it.

Think about your favorite dessert for a moment. My very favorite ice cream is Haagen Dazs' Dulce Le Leche. The more I sit here and imagine how yummy, creamy, and delectable Dulce Le Leche is, the more I begin to crave it. My mouth is watering as I think about the delicate ribbons of real caramel swirled in the richest, caramel flavored ice cream on the planet.

However, I don't feel like I'll never have it, or afraid that they are going to stop making it, or that for some reason I just don't deserve Dulce Le Leche!

Therefore, I'm not attached. I would be willing to bet you anything that in this moment I just created Dulce Le Leche! I promise that within a week someone will be knocking on my door with a pint, or I'll be in the grocery store and it'll be on sale, or I'll be walking in the mall and the 'free sample' guy will shove a pink spoon in my mouth!

I am thinking about my favorite ice cream and that's all it takes to create it (well, okay I have to actually want it also).

However, shoving my thoughts under the carpet or pretending like I don't have them, won't make it manifest any sooner.


Now, let's say we were prisoners serving life sentences. We're envisioning our favorite dessert now. Our current reality as prisoners incapacitates our ability to believe in our unlimited potential.

I find it hard now to believe in the possibility of ever having Dulce Le Leche again. Now, when I imagine the sweet caramel ribbons swirling in caramel ice cream, I feel really sad because I will probably never taste such sweet perfection again. Ohhhh.I'm attached.

My fear doesn't make me want it any less but it does prevent it from manifesting.

As a prisoner, not thinking about the ice cream won't manifest it. Only releasing my fears can create it.

It may be logical to think that in order to detach we have to remove it from our mind, to stop thinking so much about it in order to let it go. However, detachment does not mean you put it out of your mind or let the 'object' go.

It simply means releasing any and all doubts about manifesting it.

MMMM. can't wait for my Dulce Le Leche.
C Copyright 2006, Anisa Aven, www.CreataVision.com




{FIRSTNAME}, are you single or do you wish your relationship were better?
You know that you want a relationship with your ideal mate, right?

You know that you have been 'envisioning' him/her or this relationship, right?

Then 'why' isn't it working?!?!?!

Maybe you're afraid that manifesting a mate just won't work for you?

Or, maybe it's that you are so attached to having your ideal mate that you are actually repelling your ideal relationship?

If you have attempted to attract a mate without success, or attract an improved version of your current relationship, then I guarantee that there's only ONE reason you haven't been successful.... You have a limiting belief in your sub-conscious that is blocking you from having what you want.
Until you release this block, you will continue to be alone, continue wishing your relationship was better, or continue to manifest less than what you really want.
Join me in this one-time-only teleseries and learn how to apply a very quick, but ancient healing/tapping formula for releasing limiting beliefs.

EFT to Attract your Ideal Mate:

How To Release Negative Beliefs, Cease And Desist Self-sabotaging Behaviors, Stop Attracting The Wrong Partners (or no dates) ...In Less Than 3 Minutes a day! A special 8-part Tele-series for Relationship Ready Conscious Creators. Together we will apply a 3-minute system for releasing our relationship limitations that either keep us away from our ideal mate, or perpetuate the attraction of the 'wrong' mates.

*** FREE Audio of the EFT sessions when you RSVP for the series by January 26th!

Class 1 of 8: {TAG_CREFTSESSION1}

http://www.creatavision.com/teleclass/EFT-relationship.htm

(Limited to first 40 registrants, reserve your seat today.)



Some of the Creation-Spiritual Tools that I use Personally....
As promised, I'll be including a few of the tools that I personally use to grow spiritually, manifest what I want, and create success.

One tool that I use that has increased my spiritual connection four-fold is the HoloSync meditation program.

A busy mind is normal. However, doing nothing about it is normal too -- but normal is not where you want to be! I never felt like an effective meditator until I invested in the HoloSync program... I just love it!

Meditation has added so much peace, love, happiness and most importantly it's given me the ability to do what my friend and client April Gregory says...'have the water-off a duck's back' philosophy. This makes the soil very fertile when I'm ready to manifest something!

Check it out at Centerpointe

 

F-R-E-E Manifesting the Sweet Life TeleSeminar

{FIRSTNAME}, next teleseminar...

{TAG_MSLTS1}

{TAG_MSLTS2}

RSVP:

http://www.creatavision.com/teleseminar.htm



Next issue. Q/A:

How can I improve the relationship I already have?



Create a Great New Year!

Anisa Aven

www.CreataVision.com
Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.
Laozi
570-490 BCE, Chinese Philosopher, Founder of Daoism
Tao Te Ching: A New English Version, Stephen Mitchell, tr., 1988

The Master sees things as they are, without trying to control them.
He lets them go their own way, and resides at the center of the circle. Laozi
Daode Jing

Whatever feelings arise – whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral – abide contemplating impermanence in those feelings, contemplate fading away, relinquishment, letting go of all those feelings. Contemplating this one does not cling to anything in this world. When not clinging, there is no agitation. When not agitated one personally attains Nibbana.
Buddha
c. 563-483 BCE, Indian Prince, Mystic, Founder of Buddhism

One who has finally learned that it is in the nature of objects to come and go without ceasing, rests in detachment and is no longer subject to suffering.
Ashtavakra Gita
Ancient Sanskrit Sacred Text

You are only to perform your duty without an eye on their fruits. Bhagavad Gita, II.70
400 BCE, Sanskrit Poem in Mahabharata, Sacred Hindu Text

Non-attachment is self-mastery: it is freedom from desire for what is seen or heard.
Patanjali
c. 200-150 BCE, Indian Yogi
How to Know God: The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali, 15
Swami Prabhavananda and Christopher Isherwood, trs., 1953, 1981

How to live the good life? The ability is in your soul, as long as it remains unattached to things that are morally neutral to it. And the soul will remain unattached if it carefully scrutinizes each of these neutral things both as a whole, and by separation into the elements that compose them. Remember that none of these things are responsible for creating our conception about them; these things are motionless and so can’t even approach us. It is we ourselves who create ideas about things, and, as we might say, drag them inside ourselves. It is in our power not to include them, and even if these conceptions have unconsciously gained admission to our minds, to erase them.
Marcus Aurelius
121-180, Roman Emperor, Stoic Philosopher
The Spiritual Teachings of Marcus Aurelius, Mark Forstater, tr., 2000

The six supernormal faculties of the enlightened are the ability to enter the realm of form without being confused by form, to enter the realm of sound without being confused by sound, to enter the realm of scent without being confused by scent, to enter the realm of flavor without being confused by flavor, to enter the realm of feeling without being confused by feeling, to enter the realm of phenomena without being confused by phenomena.
Linji Yixuan
d. 867, Chinese Chan Master, Linji (Rinzai) School Founder
in Zen Essence: The Science of Freedom, Thomas Cleary, tr. & ed., 1989

Once you realize universal emptiness, all situations are naturally mastered. You have perfect communion with what is beyond the world, while embracing what is within all realms of being.
Fenyang Shanzhao
947-1024, Chinese Chan Buddhist Master
in Zen Essence: The Science of Freedom, Thomas Cleary, tr. & ed., 1989

Just detach from thoughts and cut off sentiments and transcend the ordinary conventions. Use your own inherent power and take up its great capacity and great wisdom right where you are. Yuanwu Kekin
1063-1135, Chinese Chan Master
Zen Letters: Teachings of Yuanwu, J. C. Cleary & Thomas Cleary, trs., 1994

Live in the nowhere that you come from,
Even though you have an address here.
Jalaluddin Rumi
1207-1273, Afghani-Turkish Sufi Mystic, Poet

Many times the mountains
Have turned from green to yellow.
So much for the capricious earth!
Dust in your eyes,
The triple world is narrow;
Nothing on the mind,
Your chair is wide enough.
Muso Kokushi
1275-1351, Japanese Zen Master, Calligrapher, Poet

Desire nothing, and you’re content with everything
Pursue things, and you’re thwarted at every turn.
Ryokan
1758-1831, Japanese Zen Master, Poet, Calligrapher

Detachment is not indifference. It is the prerequisite for effective involvement. Often what we think is best for others is distorted by our attachment to our opinions: we want others to be happy in the way we think they should be happy. It is only when we want nothing for ourselves that we are able to see clearly into others’ needs and understand how to serve them. Mahatma Gandhi
1869-1948, Indian Spiritual Leader

By detachment I mean that you must not worry whether the desired result follows from your action or not, so long as your motive is pure, your means correct.
Gandhi
in Eknath Easwaran, Gandhi, The Man, 1997

To renounce things is not to give them up. It is to acknowledge that all things go away. Shunryu Suzuki
1905-1971, Japanese Zen Master

To desire in the void, to desire without any wishes. To detach our desire from all good things and to wait. Experience proves that this waiting iHOME / AMANDA BUTLER
 
  Email this to a friend
   Print this article
 
 
 
The Universal Laws of Detachment & Faith  
 
Amanda Butler , Keenawah & Associates, LLC
Published 06/13/2007 - 1:12 a.m. ESTRate This Article:
3  
 
 
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 Amanda Butler
 
Website:
www.stellargaia.org
 
 

Share This Article
 Digg   Google
 del.icio.us   Yahoo
 Reddit   Facebook
 
 
The ‘What if’ game is one that is lived in the past or in the future but for these purposes it is used to illustrate a point. If you could close your eyes and create anything or anyone you desire, would it look the same as to what you currently have in your life? Most would answer, no. Then how can you change what is in your current situation? The first step is to utilize the Universal Law of Detachment.

 

The Law of Detachment provides a freedom from the past and the future. It asks you to be willing to step into the field of uncertainty, into the unknown. There is a wisdom in the uncertainty as we are willing to step into the unknown because it opens the doors into the energy field of infinite possibilities. When we are not attached as to how something, someone, or a relationship ‘should’ look, then there is space for so much more to occur. In that, there is freedom for you and others to be who they Truly are, to contribute to your life and theirs in the Highest Order, and to fulfill your Divine Plan.

 

There is no need to control your Self, others, and outcomes in order for you to create what you desire. By letting go, so much more can be manifested beyond your wildest dreams. The solutions and results of problems, situations, and relationships are much more creative, flowing, and expansive if you are detached. The energy is constrictive when you need to push or force the solution or result you deem necessary.
     
 
 

You operate within your limited scope when you impose your views and will to manifest what you desire. If you simply surrender, you will experience a greater scheme of probabilities within your life. If you trust and have the willingness and faith to step into the unknown, solutions can occur spontaneously with ease and grace even in the midst of confusion, chaos, disorder, or destruction.

However, most have the urge to control themselves, others, and situations in order to feel safe and secure thus producing an attachment to the result or outcome. Know that you are safer by letting go than hanging on to what you know. Hanging on to what you think it ‘should be’ actually limits the energy and the possibilities. The other reasons for control are the need to be right, to be acknowledged, or validated by someone or something outside of Self. These needs again provide the attachment that people or things must be a certain way for you to feel safe and secure. But safety and security is an inside job, not an outside one. You cannot achieve safety and security through your relationships, people, job, money, things, or even fulfilling your purpose. Your Divine Plan is only achieved and felt through your connection within your Self and with God, Higher Power, Divine Source, or however you define this for your Self..

Some feel if you detach, then you don’t care or you don’t love someone or something. There is the confusion that love and passion must show up as energies of attachment and enmeshment with someone or something in order for it to be real and true. This is a form of codependency. Within the energy of attachment, there is a check list as to what love equals, how it must show up, and how someone must demonstrate it. The attachment does not allow for the freedom of expression, freedom of one’s heart to express how it feels, or for the possibilities of what can occur and be through the acceptance of the true energies of love and passion within the relationship.

 

What the Law of Detachment teaches us is that as you step into the field of all possibilities and surrender your need to control, it allows for you to remain open to the infinity of choices. Life, full of its various kinds of creations, situations, and people, can be embraced as an adventure, an excitement, an enthusiasm to experience it as fulfilling, magical, mysterious, and joyous. The unknown becomes a place that is no longer scary but one of love (Living Only Vibrant Energy), freedom, and possibilities.

 

To support you in embracing detachment as a way of being is the Universal Law of Faith. The Law of Faith is founded upon recognizing there is much more that we can see, taste, or feel. It is the acceptance and knowingness that there is much more beyond our limited view. It is an understanding that we see only pieces of the puzzle not the whole puzzle, that we are a part of the All and are connected to Universal Love and Wisdom.

 

We comprehend this when we let go and acknowledge the miracles occurring around us and within our lives. When we open to the possibilities and to receiving our Highest Good. When we experience synchronicities within our lives such as suddenly a person appears that you’ve been thinking about or you meet someone who can help you manifest something that you’ve put your attention upon, or a book falls off the shelf which answers questions you may have, or you go to a grocery store because you listened to your intuition to go at that moment and you meet your Beloved, the relationship you have been putting out to the Universe that you have wanted to create.

 

How we arrive to this place of recognition and trust is through the energy of Faith. Faith is Feeling Abundance In The Highest. It is understanding and knowing the connection within and with your Higher Self and the Wisdom of the Universe provides you the path to fulfill the Highest Order for your Self. Letting go of the attachments (and your egoic will, the small personality validated by others, the need to be right, safe, or secure) provides a clear path for you to reach your ultimate objectives and creations.

 

By listening within and through your connection with the Universe, trusting your intuition, and discerning what is in your Highest Order, then Faith is inherent. You are not looking to the outside for validation, you are not letting the past dictate your decisions, and you are not attached to the outcomes. You have the choice to play in the field of infinite possibilities and the unknown when you have the willingness and faith to release the maze of the past and your attachments. You have the freedom in choosing to create your life consciously in doing so. And you have the power to do so each and every moment!

 

Amanda Butler
 
 
s satisfied. It is then that we touch the absolute good.
Simone Weil
1909-1943, French Philosopher, Essayist, Mystic

[Lupita]

Detachment down2basics: Here's an article I've found on detachment from your x's - maybe this will help some of us - it has helped me some!  Enjoy and hold your head up...

Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling. Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
Re: Detachment down2basics: Page 2....

If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you.

Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or with things, which you do not really want to do.

Can become an obsessive ``fix it'' who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.

Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places, or things.

Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you.

Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places, or things project.

Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places, or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.

Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.

Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place, or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.

Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.

Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place, or thing.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: Detachment down2basics: Page 3...that's all for now...  ;D

Detachment is a control issue because:

It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''

If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.

The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control.''

If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.

You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.

You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.

You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or ``rescuer'' who cannot "let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.

You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,'' overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.

If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.

By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.

Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the "freedom'' to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control, and responsibility.

It allows every person, place, or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent, and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: Detachment down2basics: ok - I've found the rest of this article - posting it now...hope you enjoy this and find it useful!  You've heard of the "12 Step Program"? *lol*  ;DSorry it's soooo long though, but I think it's worth the read!  God Bless!!


How to develop detachmentIn order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: Detachment down2basics:
Steps in developing detachment
Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places, and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places, or things in your life fit any of the following twenty categories.
Types of Toxic Relationships
( 1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
( 2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
( 3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
( 4) Punitive or abusive to you.
( 5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
( 6) Smothering you.
( 7) Other is overly dependent on you.
( You are overly dependent on the other.
( 9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or enabler.
(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.
(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
(14) Other has an addictive disease.
(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Lupita]

Re: Detachment down2basics: Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.

Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in the relationship.

Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy, wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a GOOD PERSON and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in the community.

Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.

Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.

Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself. Re: Detachment down2basics: Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.
``Letting Go''
     To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
     It means I can't do it for someone else.
     To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.
     It's the realization I can't control another.
     To ``let go'' is not to enable,
     but to allow learning from natural consequences.
     To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness
     which means the outcome is not in my hands.
     To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
     It's to make the most of myself.
     To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
     To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
     To ``let go'' is not to judge,
     but to allow another to be a human being.
     To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
     but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
     To ``let go'' is not to be protective.
     It's to permit another to face reality.
     To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
     To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
     but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
     To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
     but to try to become what I dream I can be.
     To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
     but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
     To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,
     but to grow and live for the future.
     To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.


ok guys - that's it...hope this helps some of you! 
God Bless you all!!!

[Lupita]

I guess we are on our way. Lighter. But remember my boundaires are very weak. And almost inexistent, I do not discover boundaries until they have been trespassed. I feel bad and dont even know why. So, I discover that my boundaires have been trespassed, then I discover a new boundary and try to enforce it if i can think at the moment when it is trespassed, each time being shorter to react, so Iguess we are on our way. But it is endless.
LOL

[lighter]

I think it gets better though.

As we begin making better decisions we encounter different situations..... as a natural by product.

All that "decide who gets a front row seat in the audience of your life" stuff..... we choose to 'file' people in our hearts according to their trustworthiness.

We no longer trust everyone and give them access to our emotions if they aren't worthy once we figure out boundaries.

Boundaries don't just fall into place.

They're unfamiliar and fly in the face of our belief system.

It takes time and mindfulness to keep pretending we're worthy until the habits become less alien.... until they're more familiar then we can settle into them and eventually they become habit.

The key is to keep them in place, even when we're feeling stronger and able to handle anything.

Axa discussed this a while back.

It;s important to remain dligent and not make the first excuse for someone's bad behavior. 

We can say.... "You did ABC and that's not acceptable, if you do that again, I'll know you dont' want to have a relationship with me."

That, of course, is an enticing challenge to someone who enjoys manipulating and controlling people.

If we make an excuse for them, after having crossed our boundary again, do we cut them off and refile them under UNWORTHY or.....

do we really need their friendship/approval/affection and find ourselves whining about it and trying to get them to see the error of their way then allow them to make more promises to do better?

That's the difference between enforcing a boundary or not, IMO.

Sure, it hurts to lose something or someone that was making us feel warm and loved and included....  but at what cost?


Extended pain and dissapointment......

I'd rather just accept what's in front of me, make big girl decisions and not look back.

I think that's what healthier people do naturally.... bc they feel wothy of better treatment.... their boundaries are sturdy and they won't tolerate repeated abuse.

I think we can become comfortable with that concept as well..... at least I sure hope so.