So, I'm going to answer my own question about why I couldn't do this - see myself the way others see me; how I REALLY am - before... I hope it helps.
Emotions have power over our minds. Think about it - when we're sad, really really sad, it seems like we'll never ever be happy again. When angry, when intensely angry, this emotion is capable of making us think, say, and do things that are irrational and even do things we wouldn't normally choose to do.
As adults, of course, we learn that balance between emotions and cognition are necessary for us to get through life. I can't say what I really think or feel, when my boss makes me angry for n-th time... it wouldn't be productive and would only inflame the situation, countering what I really want to happen: that he would listen, take me seriously, and at least partially, agree with my point of view. HOW I express my emotions is directly related to the kind of response I will get - or hope to get.
But as children, we are our emotions pretty much. We swim in and breathe these emotions. The emotions are who we ARE. At school age, we begin to identify ourselves with what we can DO. I'm good at languages, sports, but really lousy at math - except number bases. She is really good at math, science, and doesn't care about history or music. We separate ourselves based on our abilities and talents. In the teens, we start looking for social acceptance: there is a NEED to be an accepted member of a group - band, french club, or just a cliche of friends. The choice of the group is still based on predilection - likes, talents, etc. We are still very emotional beings; very sensitive to real/perceived slights and our status in the desired group... all the while, working on our individuality - look at me, see how I'm different! We're starting to recognize the need for the balance between physical, intellectual and emotional being.
If we suffer a trauma, or prolonged emotional wounding while still a child, there are distinct, very intense emotions surrounding that wound. Those emotions have energy that directs our thoughts - but aren't necessarily rational or accurate. It is who we see ourselves as; the wounds only; it's how we FEEL we really are. It's more REAL to us, than any external accomplishments; any feedback from other people about skills, talents, potential; anyone's affection for us. I'll even go so far, as to say, that if I felt any positive feelings they only increased the level of pain I experienced for years... because of a one-pointed emotional focus on the wounds that were left festering. I learned to avoid all chances for positive emotions; discounting compliments; denying feedback from others about my skills and worth; and preventing people from loving me...
... because I FELT that I was only the wound; ugly, seeping, festering, unhealed. And ONLY THAT.
Once I started to see that I was actually coerced to believe this about myself - brainwashed with inaccurate, untrue, ideas about myself from my mom - that I was MORE than those emotions that kept the wound from healing...
I started to get free. I wasn't chained to that false feeling about who I was anymore. The shackles disintegrated into dust. I can - and am - walking away from that old self-image. It's like waking up from a dream - it SEEMED real, all right! For YEARS... but it wasn't reality.
Yeah, those emotions are still hanging around. But, I pay them no more time or attention than I do negative political smear-campaign ads. Those emotions don't have the power to make me believe something contrary to the evidence - actual physical evidence - all around me, that I am something more; something else; than what those emotions want me to believe. Those emotions were based on an environment, a situation, that is long-past. The probability is that I won't be in that situation ever again.
No - my mother hasn't changed one little bit. If anything, she is gradually becoming worse with age. No, we're never going to have a real relationship... I no longer need anything from her - because it's always tainted with those yucky emotions and I now have the choice whether to "go there" or not. I choose to honor myself, by NOT going there and subjecting myself to continued abuse - whether it comes my mother's words/actions - or is just a pattern of thinking and feeling within myself. I can take solace, comfort and refuge in the OTHER parts of myself, the other feelings, and the on-going positive feedback that I get from interaction with others.
I hope this makes some sense. Parts of it might be useful for this precipice you seem to be standing on, GS... a tipping point...
