My Truth

[Meh]

I don't really want to write this out here. I hate it. But I'm going to put it. It feels wrong to write this.

My brother told me that he was molested.
The person who did it was not an immediate family member and is now dead.  

I didn't know how to respond to him, he told me years ago. I think I feel some guilt for not helping him.
I couldn't process my feelings at the time.

I have a lot of sadness around him. It's confusing.
I don't really like my brother very much he is not a very nice person but I feel angry that someone could do that to him.
I feel horrified. He is a lot older then me, I could not have protected him. I feel like I should have protected him even though that is impossible. This last line I just wrote made me cry a little. I know I have deep feelings of anger about this, I can't let them all out.
It's not clear to me what all of the emotions are attached to. Who am I angry at? I think I'm angry at me, but that is illogical because I was a baby when that happened to him.  

I wonder if I feel personally guilty for every bad thing that happens.


You know how you look up to your big brother when you are a little kid. I remember that. I remember how much I loved him.
I'm totally crying now.
Maybe I lost my brother to his drug addiction.
I don't know but it really brings up some strong emotions.

I felt so bad when I saw my brother being self destructive.

I think I'm broken hearted about that. And I feel bad. I wish I could be closer to him, we are both so messed up.
When I get my life going, I barely keep it together and I can't have him in my life, he is not a nice person.
I'm totally crying. I guess kids really bond with their siblings.
I feel so bad for my brother
I know I'm not going any where with this post at this point.. I'm just crying.
I didn't think I was going to cry tonight.
A deep part of me wants to fix my brother.
I know that would lead to codependency if I tried to fix him.

I never really talked to my brother very much about what happened to him or anyone else in my family, there is some voicelessness in that.

I hate these feelings.

I want to start at the beginning and rewrite my story and my brother's story and make them better stories. I want to erase it all.

I was powerless against my brother's drug addiction.
There were times when I had no idea what he was going through. I hate that. I that I didn't know
At the same time I would not have wanted to know at that time in my life. It's so dark
It's such a very very dark place for him, and it scares me.

[Meh]

I just looked in the mirror, my eyes are red from crying but besides that I looked nice today, I combed my hair out and it's sort of in place, I put some jewelry on and a nice top. I put some old french perfume on, I truly believe good perfume is one of life's little luxuries.

Now I have those little after-tremors from crying. I'm shaking a little bit.

I'm ok. I will be fine. Just writing it all out.

[Meh]

I had a job interview, if they had chosen me they would have called by now.

[sKePTiKal]

tai chi... and push hands... really helped me feel safer in my own skin. Even when someone was throwing around too much energy; too much testosterone...

I think because of practicing proprieception - the awareness of being in one's own body; being able to observe and "edit" exactly the
"automatic" way my body moves... you can feel when you're in the right stance; like something settling in - and it's comfortable; it's possible to stay that way lots longer than you'd have expected. That was safer for me... knowing the boundaries of my body... where "I" stopped and where the world outside began...

It was something I only noticed after I was already doing it for a while. It's the regular practice that matters, I think.

Try the chi gong - standing tree meditation... with the permeating energy as a warm up. Just stand... in the tai chi stance, arms down, shoulders dropped... sense the 4 points of balance in your feet and the connection of your feet to the earth - find the still place between all 4 points. You're going to sway just like everyone does... but it's like a bohdi doll - a big fat roly-poly buddha with a round bottom...  eventually it becomes still. Eyes can be open or closed; closed is a little more difficult - but it feels better, for me.

Then, you slowly raise your arms in front of you in a wide circle - like grasping the trunk of a tree - and continue standing that way. Of course, you stop when you can't hold your arms up anymore... but just like learning to sit, eventually you can extend the time.

-------------------------------------
As far as not wanting to live this way anymore... Hurrah! Now, what do you need to not live this way? What else do you want?

[Meh]

Hi Phoenix,

You are inspiring me, I haven't been over to my Tai Chi place for a while, it's a good distance. We did a tai-chi walk through the woods and I was bored, I told that to my instructor and she said it was a good observation. (Ha Ha). I can walk through that exact same woods by myself and not be bored. I was always fascinated with Tai Chi even when I was a kid. It seemed mysterious.

In Aikido sometimes the instructor would come over and adjust slightly my arm position, afterwards the other students could push on me and push but I didn't budge. It didn't feel like much to me but the student pushing on me noticed a difference. That stuff makes me feel really dumb because the adjustments that the teacher did to my posture are unknown to me, I did not understand it.
I did not feel different after the adjustment, my body did not feel more relaxed in the correct position.

When you stand in standing-tree-meditation and you say that you sway, do you mean like the circular kundalini? Does Tai Chi define that "swaying". No, you don't mean that. You just mean finding the balance point, like rocking front to back and then ending up in the center.

Thanks, I haven't done that one I don't think.

One of my Aikido instructors said to me that it takes me a while to "get" stuff but when I do I "really get it".
I think I did something impressive after a pretty pathetic start.

Are you naturally athletic and easy in your body?

[Ami]

The boogey man is gonna get you!

I'm a fear based person, not in every choice or decision or action but in my mind. I think it has been getting worse.
Ok, I think some of this IS just my innate temperament apart from Narcissists. I also think Nar-exposure has contributed to this.

I can be somewhere at night with a friend or in a park and I am always the most afraid. Some other people behave like they have never seen a bad thing in their whole life. I act like I'm not afraid, I act strong but I am afraid of "bad people".

I'm noticing how the more I write my truth and cry I feel a weakness leaving my body. I still feel back pain and weariness but there is a shift. I don't know maybe the weakness leaving my body is when I remember to take an antidepressant. I've got to pay more attention.

I walked through the park today and I thought about weapons, I thought about how I really should have some super-duper
stun-guns and ninja stars with me. You know those barbarian clubs with spikes on them, I've fantasized about owning one.

I guess I'm afraid of my own shadow.

It makes sense that if one was never protected as a child then there would be a learned feeling of being unsafe.
Feeling unsafe in the world.

Just saw this this morning, Helen. I am so glad you wrote it. I was SO afraid last night.  First,I was driving in the car to a restaurant. I felt like the car was gonna crash at any minute. Then, we get to the restaurant and the group of people were there. That part was good. They were talking about Mothers, my favorite subject. It was a really nice talk. I had a beer and I was saying things I would not have said without it .
I felt strange not knowing HOW much to share . I am working on feeling comfortable with my own identity.That is my MAIN problem and so I am trying to find a place of comfort within myself and also being  part of a group.
 Anyway, they were going to s/one's house after and I was really tired and did not want to go but I felt pressured and then felt badly that I could not assert myself.
 Anyway, I felt discouraged  about a 3D group and  being able to be myself(Whoever that is--lol).              Ami

[Ami]

Dear ((((Helen)))))
 I have so many things I want to say to you but will come back later.                     Ami

[Meh]

Ami, This 3D Group, You are talking about a therapy group? And you did go to the house and everything was fine right?

I can think of maybe only 2 people that I feel like myself around. Maybe it's not all that unusual.
What do you want to share with people? It sounds like you are learning about intimacy pacing. Maybe it is ok if we have an inner identity and an outer identity. Sometimes it's better not to be honest with just every joe-shmoe.

So what was the group like for you? It doesn't sound as if you enjoyed it very much.

[Meh]

The Love Guru Movie:

About the physical body:
There is a scene in this movie of a hockey player who broke up with his girlfriend, he keeps on losing hockey games because he is distraught from the breakup. The love guru tells the hockey player that his girlfriend loves him and wants to be with him, all of a sudden he is making lots of goals, then the love guru says no I was lying she does not want to be with you and then the hockey player starts losing again.

I notice my body feel physically weak around certain people. It's like the emotional crap doesn't just mess up my mind it also messes up my body. I think.

[Ami]

Thanks for asking (((Helen)))). The 3D group is my "Board" in real life. There are about 15-20 people (males and females) who meet for drinks on Wed and drinks and dinner on Friday and sometimes s/one's house afterwards.
 I just started going a few months ago.
  Last night I felt shaky and emotional. I KNOW what is was. Polymath's post helped me see it. I felt hopeless that my M was the worst and that I would NEVER be  "normal" i.e. sane person b/c I had her.
 The women(4 of them) were talking about M's. Theirs may have been critical, perfectionistic etc but mine was nuclear! I told one story and then felt embarrassed like I was unique, weird, alone.
 I'll tell you the story later. I am going to the Messianic Synagogue this morning so have to get ready.
  Anyway,then I went to the house  b/c of peer pressure but I was so tired I felt I could barely move. There is also subtle( and not so) pressure for me to drink more. I am careful about drinking b/c most of these people drink too much. *I* do not want to become an alcoholic at the end of my glorious life-lol.
 So,I have 2 beers, tops. There is always that subtle pressure to drink.So, one girl was making really strong martini's and I felt the pressure to have one b/c they have been talking about her strong martini's for months and how I HAD to try one.
 I said I didn't want one and then left after 20 minutes.
 I  felt badly about myself ,in general, even though it was really all nothing. Just growing pains. That was it ,it is growing pains in a 3D group, as I had growing pains here. It is OK. Thanks for making me talk about it, Helen. I feel better!          Ami

[Meh]

Ami, Am I hallucinating, I sent that response to your post about your 3-D group and you had already responded to it. Maybe I'm having insomnia confusion.

[Meh]

Ok, I'm glad you figured that out for yourself Ami

[Ami]

 I responded on two threads about the same thing--not hallucinating!            Ami

[Meh]

I have this memory of going to a company picnic with my father and a woman. At the picnic my father grabbed me, picked me up and dunked me in this stream, he pushed me underwater and roughed me up a bit. In his mind he was demonstrating to his coworkers at the picnic that he played with his kids. I had no idea what was going on, all I knew is things were happening too fast for me. He lifted me out of the water and I was already crying, the very loud wailing-fearful crying. The cry was instantaneous and uncontrollable.

My father had never done anything like this to me before, he never played with me EVER, he didn't roughhouse with me.
Since my father didn't pay very much attention to my development as a kid he also didn't know that I was terrified of water.
I had been afraid of water for at least 2-3 years. I had assumed that he did know how I felt.

My father was embarrassed, he did not acknowledge my fear. He was embarrassed because he looked bad in front of his coworkers at the picnic. My father blamed me for embarrassing him. I felt so hurt and ashamed of myself. The woman who was with us was very kind to me, she wrapped me in a towel and physically cuddled me. That is something my mother never would have done. The woman who was cuddling me told my father that I was just frightened. We ended up driving right back home before we had spent any time at the picnic.

My father acted like the whole problem was that I started crying, and that I should not have cryed.
I remember being so confused by this event and then I felt punished for what happened.
It also strikes me how the woman responded with warmth to me. I remember these rare moments when I really felt understood and cared for.  

[Meh]

I have learned how to give what I didn't get, but I can't give it to myself.

I have learned how to believe in people so that they can believe in themselves.

If I had been a witness to the water-dunking scene above as an adult, I could understand what the child was going through but I would probably feel awkward if I tried to console the child.

I think that I feel awkward if I give physical warmth to others. It's like I don't have confidence in my ability to exude warmth because I didn't experience it enough as a kid.