My Truth

[Meh]

Ya... I've been labelled "moody" too. And you know what, I AM....
I'm affected by the people I'm around - negativity - a lot. ....
I've been meaning to tell you about one of my therapy homework assignments......
Conspicous in it's absence, I'd say.......


Repeat after me: there's nothing wrong with me... just the way I am. Anything I don't do well, I can learn to be better at.

Oh, Thanks for sharing about your experiences Phoenix. It's very insightful.

[Meh]

Dear Helen
 Thank you for your insights. i really value them!I am gonna think about what you said and get back later.                                                                          Ami

I don't mind either way if you take my thoughts or leave them. Take what is meaningful and just leave the rest behind...

All right, AMI, talk to you later...

Does it hurt to get a compliment? That was more of a "think about question" than an actual one .                     Ami

Huh? Are you trying to compliment me again.

Are you trying to tell me I should learn how to take compliments more graciously?
It's true. I'm not a gracious complement taker. I don't know why. I think it's because I've received fake compliments from Nar-coworkers when in the presence of people they wanted to impress or some crap like that. Well actually now that I write this.. when a person would give me a complement around a Nar-person the Nar person would get angry that I was being complemented. So maybe I deflect the compliment so that I don't get the Nar-person's wrath.. oh f*cken-hell that is dumb. I didn't think of that before.

How exactly does a person acknowledge and gracefully accept a compliment? Sorry Ami, I'm not too good at this.

I love you Ami, but your compliments are driving me crazy....sweetie..

Ok, I'm doing a curtsy and sticking my tongue out.

Ok, I'm reading my above statement that you quoted and it does look cold..... I just don't want to interupt your space/process. Thats all.

Maybe I'm chilly when people give me complements.

Complements can be attacks ya know? I don't feel that you are attacking me though. It's just in the past or something....

Ok, I think it's that thing where we put ourselves down before the Nar-person can.. You know?
I didn't want to attract positive attention at my job for the past few years because then my Nar-coworker would respond by launching into a hate campaign against me with a lot of gossip etc.

Like you said in your post about your rules to live by, and learning how to allow yourself to shine?

It was dangerous to shine.

I also don't want to get "gold star stickers" for my babbling process.. I want to regain my inner core strength through my process.

[Ami]

Dear Helen
 Thank you for your insights. i really value them!I am gonna think about what you said and get back later.                                                                          Ami

I don't mind either way if you take my thoughts or leave them. Take what is meaningful and just leave the rest behind...

All right, AMI, talk to you later...

Does it hurt to get a compliment? That was more of a "think about question" than an actual one .                     Ami

Huh? Are you trying to compliment me again.

Are you trying to tell me I should learn how to take compliments more graciously?
It's true. I'm not a gracious complement taker. I don't know why. I think it's because I've received fake compliments from Nar-coworkers when in the presence of people they wanted to impress or some crap like that. Well actually now that I write this.. when a person would give me a complement around a Nar-person the Nar person would get angry that I was being complemented. So maybe I deflect the compliment so that I don't get the Nar-person's wrath.. oh f*cken-hell that is dumb. I didn't think of that before.

How exactly does a person acknowledge and gracefully accept a compliment? Sorry Ami, I'm not too good at this.

I love you Ami, but your compliments are driving me crazy....sweetie..

Ok, I'm doing a curtsy and sticking my tongue out.

Ok, I'm reading my above statement that you quoted and it does look cold..... I just don't want to interupt your space/process. Thats all.

Maybe I'm chilly when people give me complements.

Complements can be attacks ya know? I don't feel that you are attacking me though. It's just in the past or something....

Ok, I think it's that thing where we put ourselves down before the Nar-person can.. You know?
I didn't want to attract positive attention at my job for the past few years because then my Nar-coworker would respond by launching into a hate campaign against me with a lot of gossip etc.

Like you said in your post about your rules to live by, and learning how to allow yourself to shine?

It was dangerous to shine.

I also don't want to get "gold star stickers" for my babbling process.. I want to regain my inner core strength through my process.

Sweetie
 I guess we are each on our "process". My process is to try to express what I am feeling. I am hearing you that gold starts could impede your process so i will TRY to to give any more gold stars .
 I just went out with the group and so am too tired to write more but I will later . Bye for now, friend.                   Ami

[Ami]

Re-read your post and wanted to add some things, *I* have always been afraid to shine too b/c the NM would knife me. I took that out in to the world and became an "This old thing" person". IOW, if s/one gave me a compliment, I would add an "this old thing " deflection".
   My goal is to share my heart more--hence the compliments b/c they are not fake but my true heart.
  Tonight,in 3D, I did the same thing. I tried to be real and started crying. The girl next to me told me she loved me and whenever I wanted to go shopping or out to lunch to call her.
 I am starting to learn about life the way I should have at 14 when I went in to a shell.That means risking.
 Helen, I was afraid you would say"Why are you getting in my business and I want a No Contact with you."
 I thought when I came home I would see that.
   Ami
 

[Ami]

My M took my heart and made mince meat out of it. She shredded it by saying"Who do you think you are?' and "What are you so big about?" . I felt I did not deserve to live or breathe. I could not even eat when I came on the Board. . I was so afraid to share who I was or what I felt b/c I was shamed and humiliated . Now, I want to.  Who am I? I don't know but I  want to be a real person.
    Ami

[Ami]

There is another quote that jives with me..ok, hope I don't butcher it.

Martha Beck: "I don't know what the hell is going on, and I'm ok with that".

I love this quote, Helen. It is the opposite of perfectionism and trying to control , two of my hardest  things                                              Ami

Martha B. uses this quote as a Mantra.

I think that when people grow up in very controlling/manipulative environments that its only natural to turn out controlling oneself.
If we didn't keep a tight handle on ourselves then we would be punished, our environments were chaos and scary and dangerous.
I think control is an attempt to manage fear and pain etc.

At least you already know that they are a couple of challenging things for you.

Ami, you sound pretty "together" if you ask me. You didn't ask me, but maybe you are not as messed up as you seem to think you are.
No offense. I mean I know that the emotions, memories and habits are there and still very real. I totally respect that part..

I don't know..... One of my therapists told me that, I was not as bad as I thought I was, that I had a lot of self awareness and was not quite as disfunctional as I thought I was. I mean I've got problems yes, but maybe I don't own every single issue ever named under the sun. She told me that the main area I really needed to work on was my sense of self. Finding myself so to speak, developing my own identity, figuring out who I am. Because I didn't get to do that as a kid.

I don't know, maybe you are controlling? Or maybe it's just another way that you are manifesting the introjection judgement of badness.

I mean exactly how are you controlling? Are you a little controlling, or so controlling that you feel that it's interfering with your life?

You don't have to answer my questions Ami, I'm just thinking out loud. I guess I'm sort of writing my impression about you here, but I don't want to interfere with your own process. Tell me if I'm interfering ok? I will stop and take my questions away.
I can't pretend to be a therapist...



I think controlling is an interesting subject....I might write about this. Controlling is like a signal into our fears. I too have my controlling habits.
I tend to over-prepare for certain things. 

 I think your therapist and you are right--I   need to develop a more solid self.Maybe it is that simple. The wishy washy, water like, amorphous around the edges self has to get more solid, tangible, steady, something to hold on to..
 If I could have ONE wish , it would be to be able to develop a sense of self .
 It feels like it is a crime to want this---SELFISH.
  I still feel it is bad.
                Ami

[Meh]

Hiya, Ami,


So, when I related my personal experience about what my therapist had said to me about me being pretty "normal" with some issues as opposed to me believing that I am totally messed up, I explained this to you, because I think it is true for you also. I don't believe that you are as "BAD" as you feel you are.

Upon hearing this, your reaction was that you felt peaceful because it met your need for acceptance? Is that correct, or did you feel relieved? How did you feel?


Wait, I just read back through to your previous post, I didn't read it well enough. You did express how it made you feel.
You said that the comments were loving. So you felt loved.

Ok, Ami, I'm glad that you felt loved, when I read that, I feel satisfied knowing that I can somehow in a very little way make another person feel good. I like to make people feel good Ami.

Maybe I need to pay more attention when I'm reading!! From now on I will listen more closely to what you are trying to express to me.


I've got a weird story about what was happening when I wrote that last post to you, maybe I will tell you at some point. I was sort of flustered and due to that I left behind a book that I was reading and had to come back to get it... Anyways. I will tell you later.

[Ami]

Sure(((( Helen))), I would love to hear the story whenever you want.Was it a synchronicity?
What is NVC?
   Ami

[Meh]

I'm replying to myself, it's a random thought. I wrote some absurdity about smurf farms being like puppy mills.

The same day, I was hearing on the radio an interview about real puppy mills and the level of neglect that goes on inside of them.
There was a story about a woman who drowned hundreds of cats and dogs. The commentator on the radio made it sound as if the woman drowning the animals did it for the sadistic pleasure of it, it sort of reminds me of experiences with Nar-people. It makes me wonder about abuse in general, if all abuse is Narcissistic in someway..

The idea that someone would breed animals just to abuse them, it reminds me of Nar-parents.

I guess I never have before thought of puppy-mills as being run by people who have extreme psychological problems. I guess I always thought that maybe the people running the mills ran out of money and then were sick in the hospital or something, I always figured there was a sad but reasonable explanation for why the animals were abandoned.

After the radio program, I thought, what if these puppy mill people are acting their Nar-tendencies out on the animals that they abandon.. Anyways it's not an important thought. Just a noticing.

[Ami]

You wrote so many powerful things to me ,Helen. I am taking time to think about them before I write back. Thank you very much. It really helps  when another person expresses their viewpoint about how they see you.
 It doesn't happen very often, it seems, maybe b/c we are all so armored.
 I appreciate it and will write back later   Ami

[Ami]

Want to write about BAD. Yesterday, I thought I broke the desktop screen.  The other day I disabled the sound on my lap top.
 BAD just sits there and waits.
 I think I am bad when I am primal and not perfect. That leaves F##ing much left--huh?    Ami

[Ami]

Why does it feel so forbidden,so criminal  to have a self?       
 I don't want to hurt anyone else.                                    Ami

[Meh]

Why does it feel so forbidden,so criminal  to have a self?      
 I don't want to hurt anyone else.                                    Ami

Ami, why do you think you are going to hurt someone else? Who are you going to hurt? How are you going to hurt them?
What are you thinking? Have you hurt someone?

[Meh]

Want to write about BAD. Yesterday, I thought I broke the desktop screen.  The other day I disabled the sound on my lap top.
 BAD just sits there and waits.
 I think I am bad when I am primal and not perfect. That leaves F##ing much left--huh?    Ami

Amy, what is this all about? I'm not following you here. Were you writing about BAD on your computer and then you wanted to break the computer?

Or did you accidentally do something to the computer and then you told yourself that you were BAD for the accident?

[Ami]

Why does it feel so forbidden,so criminal  to have a self?       
 I don't want to hurt anyone else.                                    Ami

Ami, why do you think you are going to hurt someone else? Who are you going to hurt? How are you going to hurt them?
What are you thinking? Have you hurt someone?

   

What I meant was that I feel *I* am so bad(selfish ,despicable, awful, worthless) for WANTING a self of my own to love, nurture, protect and care for.
 I meant I have no desire to hurt another person only to have a self but I feel *I* am so "bad" for wanting this..