My Truth

[Ami]

Keep Writing, Sweetie!                                  Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Let's go back to St. Bridget for a minute...

I wasn't awake enough this morning. I'm familiar with her, through a friend of mine. I helped him a bit while he was designing a catholic church named in her honor. I did some logo type work for stained glass windows... symbols like sheafs of wheat, that are associated with her. She's a working person's saint.

Associated with creativity, the spark that keeps people turning the wheels in whatever job they're in...she keeps inspiration, motivation, and kindness in the forefront. Plenty for all - no one turned away. Sort of a mideaval Mother Teresa. She provides the "purpose" in kneading and baking bread... the eye of a wood craftsman for just the right plane depth... guides the chisel of the stone sculptor and the touch of the stone mason. And even - the person pulling weeds knows just which ones... how to grab the stem...

there is a pure nobility in working with your "hands".

[Meh]

Let's go back to St. Bridget for a minute...

Thanks for sharing!

When I was reading about Bridget, I saw that she also rules over the hearth. I thought that was sort of interesting. The hearth in the home is sort of like the heart in the body.

Hearth and Heart seem like related words to me.

[Meh]

I think I'm going off-line for now. I need to set my feelings aside for a few hours today.

[Ami]

Hug to you--------((((Helen)))) .Facing these things is really painful. For me, not facing them is so much worse . That is why I try to face truth so persistently. In truth, is freedom.                                                                        Ami

[Meh]

I'm too uptight and stressed to write today. I already applied for 10 jobs before 9AM this morning.

Only comment for today is a caution I suppose. I have noticed that during the time I have written my thoughts on this post, I have also let some things slip in real-life conversations that I normally would not have said. Uncensored things, not rude, just maybe things I wished I had not said that is all. I guess it goes to show that writing does have a real impact on one's life.

So I have some milagros, "miracles" on my wall, these Mexican silver icon hart decorations. I feel like I need a whole bunch of miracles to land on me.
A miracle bomb squad.

That has got to be the ultimate feeling of powerlessness, when one feels that everything depends on a miracle.
Reminds me of the Grateful Dead song "I Need a Miracle Every Day" Yea-yea-Yeaaaahh!

I guess people have been counting on miracles since before Jesus. It's not scientific. I don't care.

I need Miracles, lots of them like rain drops. I'm on the verge of taking my grandmothers jewelry to a pawn shop.

It's my fault, I have no one to blame. I'm not complaining. Just stressed. I need to drink less coffee, more wine.
Ok, Ok, I am complaining but to myself.

Maybe a year of miracles, one for each day. OR maybe just one really good one. I don't know, do miracles come in installment plans?
Do miracles get rationed out? I wish that miracles would come with tags, like gift tags that says To: Helen  From: God  

Maybe I should pray to Jerry Garcia, I mean could it hurt? OR to the patron saint of copy machines and paper clips.

I wonder if saints are still being discovered. Like saint of tin-can car owners. Saint of corporate takeovers. Saint of TV's.

Saint of Depressed people. I think I should write a letter to the Pope suggesting this one. There are enough depressed people in the world, we need one especially for this, she could be holding some black roses. Maybe she stands on top of a bed. Maybe she sets beds on fire. Who knows.

Some say that they happen all the time. That each and every birth is a miracle.

Ok, looked it up, there is a patron saint of abandoned people: St. Pelagius.

I'm wallowing like a glutton in my lame-ass crap.

[Ami]

You're beautiful, Helen(PS Delete this if it is too MUCHO of a compliment  )                                 xxxxx Ami

[Meh]

Found another one:

Patron Saint Apollonia of dental ailments and dentists. She is invoked by people with toothaches.

WOW! There is even a patron saint of oversleeping, St. Vitus. And I thought I invented oversleeping...

I guess in the days when there was not a pill for everything there was a saint for everything.

Saint Dymfna is the saint of Psychiatrists, and good mental health.

Saint Santa Catalina De Bologna is Saint of Artists.

San Expedito is Saint of good luck in the home and Procrastination.

San Jose: Saint of Good Jobs!

Santa Rita: Saint of Impossible Tasks.  I like this one!! I'm not really super religious but I find this somehow comforting.

St Teresa Avilia: Saint for headaches.


Additionally there is a patron saint for difficult marriages, for misbehaving children, bee-keepers, grave-diggers, against anger, and patron saint against drug addiction.

There is a patron saint against the fear of mice, saint of mad dogs, alcoholics, saint of juvenile delinquents, saint of whales, saint against STDs.

[sKePTiKal]

WHO KNEW there were all these saints? whaddya know...

Sometimes, life demands that you pay attention to it and what goes on in it. Happens to all of us. So run along... and do what you need to do! We'll be here when you get back and have time/energy enough for this kind of work. We will miss you, for sure! But, "taking good care of yourself" includes those things you need to do to pay the bills.

I got interrupted again, writing about Bridget and working, yesterday. The reason I brought it up, was 'coz sometimes it's easier to get jobs where you work with your hands - and those kinds of jobs, while they don't bring the "prestige" of other kinds of work can be very satisfying in a soul-work kind of way and still help pay the bills. Part of that has to do with seeing a concrete result of your efforts, I think. A product.

If you're a morning person, maybe there are baking jobs. I used to make doughnuts, beginning at 4 am. My shift ended by 9:30 or 10 am. It was fun to see people buying big boxes of them; and I got to know the "regulars". Or pottery... working with the clay or decorating/glazing it... nursery - garden type - work is also satisfying, though this isn't the time of year people are hiring in the "temperate" climates.... but then some garden centers are open year round. The strangest thing I ever did was telemarketing; that lasted about a day; I couldn't take the anger & rejection... next strangest was selling telephones. I've always wanted to apply for a job working with horses - even if it meant mucking out the barn. I have a soft spot for any kind of physical work, laborer type of stuff, tho' I'm not fond of pouring concrete or digging post holes. It feels like a good kind of tired at the end of day - your progress is visible the next morning. Unlike a lot of tech-based jobs... where the work seems to never end or have a conclusion or a product.

And taking a job outside of your normal "field" will be OK on the resume, later. Lots of folks simply trying to make ends meet right now are taking jobs they're completely overqualified for. It's an opportunity to try something you always wondered if you'd like... and then, of course: the income.

Sending you good job juju....

[Meh]

Whatever job I get, I'm going to make the best of it and the most of it until I make a new plan.

That is my primary thought for today.

[Ami]

Sending good thoughts your way (((Helen)))) !                 Ami

[Meh]

Surgery: There is something basic, serious and bottom of the barrel about this.
I'm not married, I have "used" my relatives to take me to medical appointments when I'm not suppose to drive home afterwards due to surgery.

I have to have some minor surgery, have been putting it off because I don't have any health insurance but also because I would probably ask one of my relatives to drive me home. There are places that will not start the surgery unless there is someone in the waiting room. My relatives will begrudgingly take me to a surgery appointment. Begrudgingly being the operative word.

I have had a rare few friends volunteer themselves for this sort of thing. Most friends I know I would not feel comfortable to ask them to do something like this.

I think this is one of my frustrations with my relatives. I really want to not need them in any way whatsoever.
The thing is most people don't feel so bad about needing help. I agonize over it. I feel weak for it.

It's a strange feeling.

There is something about it that is really pretty cruel, the way that my Nar- relatives use the opportunity of me needing help to reject me.

I've seen things happen in my family and how my Nar-relatives can and will do things kindly for some people but certainly not for me.
I'm sort of the garbage of the family. One would think I did something to deserve this hatred. When I look back at my life there is no good reason for it just issues being acted out. That is not what my inner-child or emotional self interpreted. There is a part of me that internalized this message, that I am not worthy compared to other people, that I am lower then other people.


PS: The feeling I have when I post the above statement is one of embarrassment.
So embarrassment is shame. I feel shame for needing. I make a point to not need anything except for the rare and extreme occasion.
When I look at it closely it is cruel.  It's not as if it is a huge imposition on my relatives yet they act like it is. Also the relatives use it as an opportunity to criticize my lifestyle as if me needing surgery is a result of me making bad decisions. I don't know maybe they wished I was married.

I hate my relatives. Some tightly wrapped up part of my self despises my relatives. It takes so much work to get to the point where I can really see things clearly. I have just accepted their behavior, I have just accepted that I am garbage and that I am bad and difficult for needing.

My whole life I have felt that I was a self contained unit, that I must do everything on my own and alone.

I would paint in the past, maybe I will take up painting again at some point, do a series of paintings about this and then display them.
I think this was my teenager's unconscious covert strategy for having a voice.

[Ami]

I'm not married, I have "used" my relatives to take me to medical appointments when I'm not suppose to drive home afterwards due to surgery.

I have to have some minor surgery, have been putting it off because I don't have any health insurance but also because I would probably ask one of my relatives to drive me home. There are places that will not start the surgery unless there is someone in the waiting room. My relatives will begrudgingly take me to a surgery appointment. Begrudgingly being the operative word.

I have had a rare few friends volunteer themselves for this sort of thing. Most friends I know I would not feel comfortable to ask them to do something like this.

I think this is one of my frustrations with my relatives. I really want to not need them in any way whatsoever.
The thing is most people don't feel so bad about needing help. I agonize over it. I feel weak for it.

It's a strange feeling.

I get it ,Helen. *I* feel I am worthless when I need anything. I feel really ashamed and BAD when I have needs, whatever they are.
 I wish I could take you, Helen. I am sorry you have such icky relatives. I am sorry they do not appreciate your specialness.                  Ami
 

[Meh]

Hi Ami,

You are sweet.

I'm writing about it because there is this unnatural stress and agony over needing help. Some people can't fathom this.
I often feel like a worrywart. But it makes sense that I worry, I think.

[Ami]

Hi Ami,

You are sweet.

I'm writing about it because there is this unnatural stress and agony over needing help. Some people can't fathom this.
I often feel like a worrywart. But it makes sense that I worry, I think.

Dear Helen
 If you are like me, you are super ashamed of having needs and so  high anxiety and high alert comes when NEEDS do. NEEDS are like BAD. With  an NM, normal things like needs and feelings get BIG and BAD.
 You are "normal" for what you suffered, if that makes sense                    xxxxooo      Ami