My Truth

[Ami]

This does not need an answer ,a reply of any sort(((Helen)) I think normal people trust themselves and abused people don't. IF abused people COULD, they would be normal(well).                                    xxxx  Ami
 

[Hopalong]

Helen,

Is it your heart you want to kill, or the pain in your heart?

A heart is also where peace comes to live.

That can be a formerly broken heart.

Like a bird wing, it is stronger after it heals.

I believe this to be possible anyway.

I'm sorry your emotions are jerking you around so much.

It's exhausting. Makes you haggard. No wonder you want caffeine.

But you came up with pink light.

You did that.

That's equally real.

Here's a Plutarch for you:

Perseverance is more prevailing than violence; and many things which cannot be overcome when they are together, yield themselves up when taken little by little.

So each thing, each decision about how you'll present yourself the possibility of pink light, is little by little.

That's all it is. It's just one day at a time. Little by little.

Helps to plan it though. Not as a Big Thing, just as, like brushing your teeth an extra time.

They say you have to do a new behavior 18 times for it to become a habit.

So 18 days in a row, in spite of the job search and the desperation, you could ANYWAY spend 1 hour in positive community. Probably just 1 hour because if you went at it whole hog you might have one bad hour and throw the whole thing away.

Examples? I'll make it up. These are not necessarily the ones for you. Where was I. Maybe they should all be things you can just TURN UP for. Say, you could add to the list of possibilities any Open AA or other Open 12-step meeting because you can just grab one of those if you're overwhelmed one day and can't visualize the "plan". You don't need to belong. You can just decide you belong. I went to an open AA meeting once and about 50 people did the Hi I'm So and So and I'm an Alcoholic, and I said, Hi, I'm Hops and I'm not an alcoholic I just wanted to learn, and the room said: Hi Hops. And it was fine; wonderful actually. Okay, here's a week:

Monday--Boys/Girls Club volunteering
Tuesday--Choir rehearsal in a welcoming choir
Wednesday--Unemployment support group
Thursday--Meditation group
Friday--Therapy session
Saturday--Community garden cleanup or any environmental volunteer activity or group hike
Sunday--Soup kitchen helper

This is my kind of crazy. Writing Rx for other people's happiness.
I've learned to release the outcome though.

hugs,
Hops

[Meh]

Helen,

Is it your heart you want to kill, or the pain in your heart?

A heart is also where peace comes to live.

hugs,
Hops

Thanks for the hugs Hops.

About the heart comment above, I'm ok, I'm just expressing myself that is all.

I guess victims grow to be so unkind to themselves. This is part of what I'm expressing.

And sometimes I do want to cut my suffering off.

The thing is I don't think my goal is peace.

I think my goal is to live with my feelings better.
Rather then getting depressed. Feeling the sorrow and the pain rather then going back to bed.

I think. I'm figuring it out. I feel strong even though my life if a mess, even though I'm humiliated with the job stuff, there is something in me, maybe it is just pride, I don't know what it is, it is strong, and I am ok with that.

I just need to take better care of myself...

Thank you for the warm thoughts.

[Hopalong]

ahhh, good.
I'm glad I overreacted.

Well, I mean, glad you're okay at heart, feel strong.

I DO overreact to wonderful creative young women's suffering.

Story of my D on another thread.

love,
Hops

[Meh]

Reply to myself and thought for the day: Since I began posting on this board, I think that my focus has totally changed. That may be ok, when I originally started posting I think I actually had some sort of goal and some place I was going with all of this. Do I need to keep myself on task. Has my board persona gotten in the way of me really getting to the core of what I'm working on.

Other thought about depression and antidepressants. I'm suppose to take four of these antidepressants everyday. I do function better when I take them. I'm only taking one in the morning, mostly due to the fact that the prescription costs $138 for a months worth. So I take less.
The pharmacists asks me about only getting it filled every few months instead of every single month, I don't really try to explain these things to them. I don't tell her that I don't have a pharmacists salary, and she doesn't care that I don't have a pharmacists salary, and I think then why the hell is she asking me.

Then there are sarcastic doctors, these people are not my friends. A physician suggested that maybe I should to see a therapist. I told her I didn't have a job and I asked her if there was some sort of community service or something she could recommend. She responded to me sarcastically that everything costs money. Doctors are obsessed with money that is why they are doctors, I think they couldn't stand thinking that there are affordable resources. What I'm writing doesn't make any sense.

I think over all it's just this frustration of social expectations and how some people just don't understand.


Today is sunday, I want to go for a run/hike, then go back to my studio and make something before I go back to work tomorrow.
WAIT! I need new shoes, I don't have a studio and I don't have a job.

I have got to be thankful for something. WAIT no I don't. I don't have to be thankful.

[Meh]

Other thought for today:    SELF SABOTAGE

There is something to this subject of self sabotage but I don't feel like writing it out I rather go run.

I guess because it's complicated. I think that my own self sabotage came out only after a Nar-person was trying to sabotage me. So the self sabotage was finally a way to get away from the Nar-person. Something like that.

I think that is more the truth. I think if it had not been for the Nar-person I would not have self sabotaged.

It's hard to tell. I guess the question would be do I self sabotage when Nar-people are not involved. No I don't think so.
The self sabotage may not really be a problem from me.
 


Depression is confusing and complicated. What is in there? Grief and anger and maybe even unconscious self sabotage?

[Meh]

I have no idea if depression = voicelessness   OR   if voicelessness = depression.

I dislike it when depression gets this image of brooding teenagers with piercing in odd places and black clothes. I'm wearing pretty bright clothing and I'm still depressed. I can go jogging and then come hope and ultimately still be depressed.

I have depression bad enough that I have to take medication for it yet I feel that I have to pretend like I'm not depressed so I don't offend anyone. This is nonsense, it's built in to society but it's crap. It's hardly kind to the person who is depressed.
So I don't really have to be polite to these people.

No person has to pretend that a relative didn't just die and they are in grief. No person has to pretend that they didn't fracture their arm.

There have been times when I don't contact friends because I'm depressed and I just don't want to pretend anything else.
Then the friends get offended because I don't contact them and they think it's some sort of stupid game or something. This did happen recently, I never told this guy about me being depressed, I didn't want to. I don't feel like it's every bodys business, but clearly he did not understand why I did not return his calls. I just felt I could not trust him with it, I don't want to become the "crazy depressive". Who knows maybe our friendship was based on something fake anyways.

I'm thinking about how businesses control our society. If I need some water and walk into a business the business can charge me for a cup of water. Of course it takes many people to put together a water treatment and pipe system. A whole community puts it together but the business benefits from it.

Drug companies: I sometimes think about drug companies.

I wonder what it would take for me to stop taking antidepressants.

I think about how so many people take antidepressants and how it is like a social crime to be unhappy.

A person can even be attacked for not being happy, as if that is going to help.

I'm not even sure that HAPPY has any real meaning.



If depression IS the result of the essential self not being expressed then it seems that it would be imperative that a person has to be the essential self. So weird. I think about how animals are much more likely to be depressed when they are in the care of human beings then they are when they are in the wild.

Why would an elephant get depressed in the wild, because another elephant dies. Why would an elephant be depressed in human society, probably many more reasons that are all related to something that is essentially unnatural.

From my point of view looking out from behind my eyes, there is something unnatural about many many people.

[Ami]

I,also, am not gonna fake being happy. I told my friend that I may never get over this but ONE thing I am not gonna do is fake it.
                                                                                                                                Ami

[Meh]

Song: I am an orphan girl  Emmylou Harris

I am a orphan
on God's highway
But I'll share my troubles
if you go my way

I have no mother
no father no sister
No brother
I am an orphan girl

I have had friendships
pure and golden
But the ties of kinship
I have not known them

I know no mother
no father no sister
No brother
I am an orphan girl

But when he calls me
I will be Able
To meet my family
at God's table

I'll meet my mother
my father my sister
My brother
no more an orphan girl

Blessed savior
make me willing
And walk beside me
until I'm with them

Be my mother
my father my sister
My brother
I am an orphan girl

Be my mother
my father my sister
My brother
I am an orphan girl
I am an orphan girl

[Meh]

If I am essentially lonely and depressed and unemployed then do I have to be "nice" to people who are not depressed, not unemployed, not lonely.

I wonder if I am really consciously present in my "niceness" I think I feel something lapse, something come over me in my niceness. I think I leave my body a little when I am "nice". I would rather stay in my body and be a b*tch.
B*tch in the body.

I don't know what nonsense I'm writing. I want to slump over right here in public and cry and then kick anyone who tells me not to cry. Someone would usher me out, except that I have a friend who works here so I might end up getting a huge hug. Actually I don't feel like crying more like a cranky kid thing.

I'm not gonna slump over crying in public, I'm awake, eyes open, caffeinated, showered. And grumpily staring at my computer screen.


At the core of all this blatthering is probably a me that is remembering what is false. The niceness is probably false, that feeling that comes over me when I am THAT KIND of nice.

There are times I enjoy doing nice things but that is not what I'm referring to here. This is just a socially mandated nice.

============================================================================================
City streets and crosswalks are good bold examples of boundary issues. There are litterally big yellow boundary lines painted on the road, signs, and laws.
============================================================================================


It's only natural to get pissed when boundaries are crossed.

Some people just see what they want to see. I think they believe their own arguments, somewhere they learn that they can argue out of anything.
They can argue out of laws. They can argue out of the value of a person's right to safety. In some minds there is only one person who has any rights at all.

I live in the city, people almost run over me in their cars on a regular basis and it just becomes "normal". These people disgust me.
I'm an adult and all I want to do is flip my finger at them like a dufus. Sometimes I mumble about it and sometimes the drivers see me talking, I do, I say shit outloud to the drivers that almost hit me and they give me this dumb blank expression as if THEY HAVE NO IDEA that they almost just ran me the F over.

At what point does a person become justified in nearly hitting a pedestrian in a crosswalk.
I suppose it reminds me how aggressively adults enjoy invading boundaries, boundaries of safety for NO GOOD reason. No reason at all.
I think they need to make a point. In their "sexy" cars, I think the point they need to make is "I don't have to respect anyone, not even anyones safety". Why would a person go around boasting this? I guess I imagine that on some level these people feel out of control of their own lives. That is my guess. "Happy" people don't do this, Joyful people don't go around invading other's safety.

I think it becomes a whole way of life for some people, seeing how much they can invade another persons boundaries, see how bad they can screw over another person over and it verges on the fantasy they must have of crashing into a person with their car.

This yuck is not mine for being a pedestrian. This yuck is theirs. The yuck of wanting to crash into someone. It's not mine. Sometimes I feel it transfered onto me in the street though. I think that is what being a child of Nar-parents does. It makes us susceptible to taking on the responsibility of others "dark stuff". We were so use to it. So now in life I habitually take on every ones "dark stuff".

I can see it now, sort of, how I WAS a magnet for dark stuff. I can also see how it is changing. How I can start to see that it is them almost running me over not the other way around.

I actually was hit in a crosswalk years ago, the car ran a red light. I was ok, I just slid over the car, I was young and limber.

A few days ago I was waiting to cross the street on a road that is usually very congested. It was not congested this day. There was one single SUV on the road and no one behind her, totally clear. She stopped to let me cross, she didn't need to, I could have crossed after she drove by a split second later.

Since she stopped I crossed the street and then while I was in the middle of the cross walk this young woman started flipping out in her car, I could see it. It sort of stressed me out at first but I quickly realized how ridiculous it was, it was comical as if her favortie team lost the super bowl. People feel so safe in their metallic armor that they can safely act like idiots behind locked doors and horsepower. It was almost as if it was a weird routine she was acting out. A routine of being pissed at a pedestrian or any car or slight blockage on the way to wherever she was going. She was probably going nowhere important.

I thought to myself "Lady if it flips you out that much then don't stop, just keep going". Of course by stopping for me, it offered her the opportunity to flip out.

I wonder if these people know that there are other people in this society? Someone who built their car, built the road, sewed their clothes?

Society feels so oddly disconnected to me, I often think the brains are in video game mode when they are actually in the "real world".

The next time I see a pedestrian I am going to patiently stop for them and SMILE and even wave. Just because I can. Because I have control over my lip muscles and my arm and my hand and I can choose to do it.


There have been times in my life when I would have felt embarrassed if someone almost ran me over.

It is the shame of existence.

What a conundrum, I have a shame for existing yet at the same time there are parts of myself that I like very much despite what it seems.

[Meh]

Pseudo love, I think this is what my mother gives me at times. It doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel good but it makes her look good in her own eyes. It is virtually impossible to explain this to people and so a child is alone.

I think this is REALLY confusing for children. They don't know that they are not loved until they finally are loved and it is SO different. It is night and day.

Gonna write more right here:  





Eventually, The truth works it's way to the surface like a splinter coming out.

It's sort of funny, at first liars like their own lies and they assume that the lies are believable. Inevitably the lies start to become more and more apparent. The lies eventually look really dumb and sad and pathetic.

[Meh]

I want a jellyfish t-shirt or I could be a jelly fish for halloween.

I could have a blue dress with jellyfish tentacles on it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMzsEBh8mrQ&feature=related

Alright I think I'm done for today.

[Meh]

What if depression is not a disease, what if it is 100% MAN MADE.

All I have to do is get away from mankind and then I will be healthy.

[Ami]

I know what you mean about YOUR  shame when s/one hurts YOU.. it is the same thing I was telling my guitar teacher. If *I* see s/thing bad in someone, *I* feel bad about myself for seeing it, not about them for having it.
  This is a twisted. He didn't get it. I will ask him more about it tomorrow, if I have the nerve.                                            Ami

[Meh]

Yeah, Ami, that is it, I'm glad somebody understands cus it is so weird.

That simplifies it: "having shame when someone hurts you".

This is something I have to ruminate on. It's really important to me. I need to catch my shame.

I think as long as I realize it the feeling and then maybe not accepting the feeling.
Say to myself "Yes I feel shame but it is because of disfunctional family programming not because it is my fault, not because I am bad, not because I don't have a right to exist, not because I am to deny my suffering."

Yeah, something is coming full circle, I posted a while ago one night when I was just CRYING and I was saying to myself:

MY TEARS ARE REAL

It is slowly coming together making more and more and more sense.

I think all this processing is worth the effort sometimes.

Thanks Ami.