When somebody has been assassinating your character

[Lucky]

When somebody has been assassinating your character among a group of people and you are being treated like a leper by these people do you keep interacting with these people or do you turn your back at them?
Will there ever be a chance that people start seeing you for the person you really are?

[lighter]

That's a very difficult position to be in, Lucky.

As for the manipulated friends?  

You can't save people from themselves.

Turn to better things, if you can.

These friends may discover they've been manipulated, but it probably won't be any time soon, IMO.

Mo2

[Ami]

When somebody has been assassinating your character among a group of people and you are being treated like a leper by these people do you keep interacting with these people or do you turn your back at them?
Will there ever be a chance that people start seeing you for the person you really are?

I would say no. Perhaps it is a repeat of your family pattern where you were shunned, kept out of the family group."Seeing" you takes people who are whole enough to see.
 N's cannot see people in a full flesh and blood way. You are a 2D cardboard person who exists to fulfill them . You are THEIR D,W, H, Friend not "you".
 For me, it helps to see FOO patterns and how they repeat in our lives until hopefully we find the keys to change them.
 ((((((Lucky))))                     Ami

[Gaining Strength]

In my experience the only thing to do is to walk away.  There may be one or two of the group who come around but it is not likely the group will. It is one of the most poisonous things that can happen.  It is difficult to walk away.  And it is difficult to recover from.  One suggestion I can give is to find a way to shift the way you look at the individuals who make up the group, to feel sorry for their loss - it is not easy but it is worth working at because that shift can save you.

[BonesMS]

I've dealt with this since I was little.     I've come to realize that if they are SO SMALL-MINDED as to believe all that venom and poison about a little kid, even a newborn infant, (which they attempt to throw in my face, even today), I don't NEED them in my life!!!!  I prefer to stay NC with them.  (Once in a while, one of them finds me and tries to stir up the sh*te.  They find out, QUICK, I don't play!)

Bones

[getnbtr]

I have had this happen many times with different groups and have found that the less I say the better.
Things like, "I know what he has been telling people about me. You had better agree with him or he will be saying the same about you." Then walk away, with a smile on your face. Most people seem to come around if they see enough of the assassin. Once they disagree with him or her, they can see his or her true colors. It can take years for this to happen sometimes, if they don't see them or you very much it may never happen. It's so hard because good people will believe them because they believe that they are being told the truth because they are truthful. I agree with Gaining Strength, feel sorry for these people. They are in the same boat as we are. Being happy and patient can help turn things around.

[Gabben]

This has happened to me. It was one of the most difficult and painful lessons to endure and it went on for 3 years NOT to my knowledge and then 2 years to my knowledge. I stayed quiet as absolutely necessary, otherwise I knew that if I said ANYTHING, even a face grimace, then I would be in what is called reverse slander. It was hard, very hard. Being shunned brought up a lot of memories from childhood; it was dealing with the past and present circumstances of pain, but, I trusted and would tell myself that all would right itself, one day, perhaps not in this life time but if I clung to the truth and maintained my silence and composure, as much as possible, then I could at least be at peace in knowing that I had behaved well. Towards the end of the ordeal I was tired and feeling battered beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. I lost my composure but I don't regret it, if my speaking up helps save someone else from the deceit of the person who started the shunning with the spreading of lies then perhaps my ranting was for a good cause.

There was no way that I could interact with the group that I was shunned with and with the people that bought the lies or stories of this person, the only thing I could do was just keep a distance, I told people a half truth about just needing to be away to heal and take a break from the groups.

[JustKathy]

I agree with Bones. To heck with 'em.

My NM started a smear campaign against me when I was just a child. Sadly, some of my relatives bought into it, and to this day believe that I was a bad girl who hurt her mother. I spent years (decades) trying to prove that M's stories weren't true, and crying over the loss of Aunts and Uncles who had been duped. Then I finally realized, that if they loved me, they would have given me the benefit of a doubt. It took a LONG time to accept this, but I now see that anyone who would fall for malicious lies, some that didn't even make sense, well, those are people who I don't need in my life. It hurts to walk away, for sure, but it hurts more to have people who you love believing the worst about you.

[BonesMS]

I agree with Bones. To heck with 'em.

My NM started a smear campaign against me when I was just a child. Sadly, some of my relatives bought into it, and to this day believe that I was a bad girl who hurt her mother. I spent years (decades) trying to prove that M's stories weren't true, and crying over the loss of Aunts and Uncles who had been duped. Then I finally realized, that if they loved me, they would have given me the benefit of a doubt. It took a LONG time to accept this, but I now see that anyone who would fall for malicious lies, some that didn't even make sense, well, those are people who I don't need in my life. It hurts to walk away, for sure, but it hurts more to have people who you love believing the worst about you.

Thanks, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JustKathy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[Hopalong]

My Nbrother did a smear campaign against me that was devastating.
He lives across the country but in the year before my very elderly mother's death he came to my home and talked to the neighbors who live on either side of me (40+ years), my mother's church, and her nursing home staff...told them all terrible false things. It was devastating.

Looking back, I think he was projecting his own guilt at NOT taking care of my parents, by accusing me of being a bad caregiver (I wasn't Florrie Nightingale, but pretty darn close, for 10 years F/T and about 5 more before that--while he did nothing but swoop into town once or twice a year).

He even wrote to my very conservative elderly relatives. He accused me of "money laundering" (it was a shared account with my mother, he had no idea what he was talking about) and using a "dead drop" -- woman by the same name in a nearby town popped up on my credit report...it was just all ABSURD. And paranoid. And, frankly, evil.

Which may just be a fancy word for sociopathy.

Anyway, he destroyed our family. Hurt me, hurt my daughter. And that was that.

I think character assassination is a particularly vicious thing to do to people. And cowardly, too.

Lucky, I think you'd be lucky to be rid of them. And I know it's heartbreaking. When/if you have to see any of them, I'd keep your chin up and say little. Something like, "I find X too painful to talk about, but it was untrue" would do it, if anyone is open to hearing.

If you sense they're "closed", then I'd find a kinder circle.

Hops

[mudpuppy]

When somebody has been assassinating your character among a group of people and you are being treated like a leper by these people do you keep interacting with these people or do you turn your back at them?
Will there ever be a chance that people start seeing you for the person you really are?

There is something to be said for, one time, stating the truth to each of them so that none can ever honestly deny they didn't know the truth.
But usually the only chance of them acknowledging the truth is if they too become the alienated scapegoats of the swarm. (if it's a swarm I guess scapebee might be a better term)

mud

[Lucky]

Thank you all for your replies.
I have to think about the talking to every one of them about my truth though I think I might be considered the lying and smearing party then.

[lighter]

I have to think about the talking to every one of them about my truth though I think I might be considered the lying and smearing party then.

Lucky:

What's your goal? 

Why do you want to speak and what do you wish to accomplish?
.
You already realize it's a lost cause, right?  You'll probably never sway the manipulated sheep, certainly you won't sway the manipulator.

Limiting your exposure or ejecting them from your life is the best you can hope for, IMO.

If your goal is to "save" the manipulated sheep...... forget that too.

No victims, only volunteers, you can't save people from themselves, which is good to keep in mind when you're making decisions about your future friends.

This much I know:

No matter what you say, or how you say it......
it will draw an attack from the manipulator, which won't be pleasant, and you've already suffered so much.

The manipulator will enjoy fits of indignation and/or curl into a fetal ball while loudly claiming victimhood.  "SHE SAID A MEAN THING ABOUT ME AND WANTS TO GET ME!" 

Well, ya... you did say a "mean thing," but it was the truth. Why lose track of that?

Because the manipulator makes sure to draw attention to what you've said, and away from their actions, which they manage with little trouble. 

This is their element, not yours.

It's uncomfortable to see someone in pain, whether real or for dramatic effect.

Even the non sheep witnesses can be moved to their defense, so uncomfortable is it for good people to witness "suffering."

The more accurate your (hopefully short and succinct) statement is....... the more criticism you draw.

I attribute this to people's inherent goodness, and desire to shield all creatures from cruelty, when witnessing such things. 

They didn't witness the terrible thing HAPPEN to you, after all, and you didn't fall down blubbering and demanding victim status, when it did.

Thought:  Perhaps you should have?

Perhaps we can state an ungly truth, if we do so with empathy and compassion?

Eh, tried that too and it didn't work either.

I digress. ::shaking head::

Let's look at the best case scenario.... there may be some brave souls willing to stand by you, bearing enlightened witness to your attempt to feel heard.   They may stand by you and join your voice.

That's an amazingly helpful connection, to be sure, but at what cost?

It still causes pain and suffering to the innocent sheep, which is alarming to those who care....

you.

It's exhausting and confusing and almost devoid of any satisfaction by the time you've made your point.

The focus may very well remain what you said and not what they did.

Something's terribly askew with this picture.

Unfair and irrational as well, but there it is.

That's the reality of speaking your truth.

I've tried to speak out in many different ways.  None very effective (but brevity and ironic humor always made me feel better.)

Frankly, I'm embarrassed for the manipulators. 

They never get away without someone seeing behind the mask. 

Someone always knows their shameful truth. 

They're living without any integrity and they're never worthy of trust.

They're lives are train wrecks and those closest to them suffer and have no peace. 

They go from one victim to the next, using the last as their excuse for being who they are. 

That would be a terrible way to go through life, IMO.

I feel empathy for these toxic souls, truly I do.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to them, that they live that way.

Mostly I go forth, and try to live my best life.

If they turn me from that,

they're winning.

Mo2

[Gabben]

There is a saying that gossip is a polite form of murder by character assassination.

[mudpuppy]

I have to think about the talking to every one of them about my truth though I think I might be considered the lying and smearing party then.

Lucky,

If they're treating you like a leper then the N has already succeeded in making you the liar and smearer.
I personally wouldn't talk to them in person; you'll just hear the same lies as before. I'd write or email them, correcting the lies that have been told about you. There is no reason to explain what a puke the N is. There is a small chance one or two of these folks may actually be in the dark about things and are open to reason. In my experience however they already know what they are hearing is lies, they simply choose to go along because they want to avoid the same treatment you're getting or they receive some perceived benefit by allying with the N. Those people are pretty hopeless.
However, often things turn out differently than we suppose they will. The N may die prematurely or be publicly exposed for what they are by some means. If and when that happens you can honestly state that you provided them with the truth and they chose not to listen.

mud