walked away from a one year relationship

[Ales2]

I just walked away from a one-year relationship that was not going anywhere as of 10pm tonight.  I'm documenting this because I want to remember how I felt. I think he took it for granted that our talk at dinner tonight was just chatter and that his resistance to my needs was not important.....oh well.  His loss.  I did the very best I could and its time to move on.

Its like this - he's an adult and has his own judgment. If I tell him to turn right at the next intersection and theres a stop sign - he should stop without me including that in my "directions".   But, he doesn't seem to know there is a stop sign.  After dating for a year, you'd think he's have some knowledge about what is expected of him at this point in the relationship....but I have to be the bad guy and ask for the most ridiculous of things.  Then he's resistant and evasive.  So, I am moving on.

My T was always telling me he's emotionally unavailable..I think he's also controlling...   

Hope all of you are having a great weekend.

Alesia

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Alesia))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't blame you.

Bones

[Ami]

((((Ales))))) I am sorry for the pain of a relationship ending. It hurts no matter what the circumstances.             xxoo  Ami

[Ales2]

Thanks for your support and kind words, Bones and Ami.

This morning I am thinking that people who are controlling actually like to watch me TRY and fail with them. Its how they maintain control. They like watching the failure.  Then I leave feeling defeated, depressed and like a FAILURE.  They get what they want, which is MY WAY or the HIGHWAY.  It shouldn't have to be this hard and with someone who is normal (i.e not controlling) it isn't!

[getnbtr]

((((((((((Alesia))))))))))

Good for you to realize that it wasn't right. You deserve better! Have fun moving on!!!

getnbtr

 

[BonesMS]

Thanks for your support and kind words, Bones and Ami.

This morning I am thinking that people who are controlling actually like to watch me TRY and fail with them. Its how they maintain control. They like watching the failure.  Then I leave feeling defeated, depressed and like a FAILURE.  They get what they want, which is MY WAY or the HIGHWAY.  It shouldn't have to be this hard and with someone who is normal (i.e not controlling) it isn't!

You're welcome, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Alesia))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I've come to believe that controllers are N's.

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Hi Ales,

Well done for walking away.  It's hard to recognise 'the signs' sometimes, and even harder to act on them.  It can be so nice to bury your head in the sand and pretend everything's fine!  it takes a lot of strength to think that you deserve better - it's a good sign.

Thinking of you, and glad you took those steps xx

[Hopalong]

GOOD for you, Ales.

You are not accepting not getting what you want and at the same time, you're not trying to get orange juice from a cactus.

I hope despite the sense of loss you have a sense of found.

hugs,
Hops

[Ales2]

Yes, Hops and TwoAPenny, Ami - thanks so much.

I hope I have "found" myself - i.e what I am willing to have/accept in a relationship. I wanted to be with him, but at the same time, I want someone who wants to be with me MORE - and is willing to show it. (There are certain expectations - like returning calls, being reachable, meeting my friends, how frequently we see each other, time spent etc that are reasonable expectations for knowing one another for a year) I also made concessions for him but he was unwilling to make concessions to me.  This sounds so egotistical, but I think its healthy ego. 

I do care for him alot - so I was careful to be gentle - but I was also sensing that I was being played...so there were limits to how gentle I could be...

Anyway, I just hope that I learned enough this time around to attract my soulmate once and for all!

[seasons]

Hi Ales,

That must of been very hard to do.
But you did it! WOW! How healthy and inspiring.

Excepting nothing less than respect and dignity=a beautiful feature for you.

seasons

[Ales2]

Thanks seasons - it IS hard to do, because I already feel unlucky in love - so walking away might make it initially look like I am responsible for making my love life a failure. Make sense? 

But, at the same time, there is no future in a relationship that is not going anywhere ...... I did speak to him about all of this - so its not like I didn;t try to work it out - its his resistance to working it out that tells me there is no future. 

Anyway, thanks for all your support here on the board, its much appreciated.

[Ami]

Dear ((Ales))
  Healthy Ego sounds good. I feel  guilty for having a healthy ego.I hope I can get over that.               Ami

[Ales2]

Hi Ami - Yeah, healthy ego.

One that says, even if this did not go well, I won't give up on finding love.
One that says that what I was asking for (returned call, time spent etc) is a GIVEN in a relationship ( I have so much trouble with this - its about my NM making me feel undeserving of having any of my needs met - even the obvious ones!) and I dont have to justify my needs.
One that says creating boundaries, by verbally acknowledging my needs to him is GROWTH for me.
One that says give him a chance, he has his own insecurities, but dont let that allow me to be treated badly.
One that says it just IS, there is NO SHAME.  (Thats the healthy ego part - I'm having trouble with this right NOW!)
One that says I've grown enormously by coming this far with him and I'm grateful for the experience because I will find my soulmate. 
(Okay, read my entry about new age advice interfering with problems!)

Thanks for your support!

[Ami]

Hi Ami - Yeah, healthy ego.

One that says, even if this did not go well, I won't give up on finding love.
One that says that what I was asking for (returned call, time spent etc) is a GIVEN in a relationship ( I have so much trouble with this - its about my NM making me feel undeserving of having any of my needs met - even the obvious ones!) and I dont have to justify my needs.
One that says creating boundaries, by verbally acknowledging my needs to him is GROWTH for me.
One that says give him a chance, he has his own insecurities, but dont let that allow me to be treated badly.
One that says it just IS, there is NO SHAME.  (Thats the healthy ego part - I'm having trouble with this right NOW!)
One that says I've grown enormously by coming this far with him and I'm grateful for the experience because I will find my soulmate. 
(Okay, read my entry about new age advice interfering with problems!)

Thanks for your support!

Healthy Ego. I am gonna repeat it like a mantra. Who am *I* hurting if I love and honor myself? Why not have confidence and trust in myself?
 Is the shame REAL? Am I BAD down deep? Am I worse than others.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a Healthy Ego. It would feel so good, like dancing to wonderful music and forgetting yourself.
                                xxxxooo  Ami

[Ales2]

Ns and some other Personality Types recognize, sooner than we do, that we dont have healthy egos. Thats why they prey on us.  It takes us some time to discover it, understand it and change it. I'm trying my best, but not 100% there yet.   For me, I really had a blind spot about it. I wondered why I kept attacting bully bosses and people who could not love, respect, work and invest with me.  I do believe in the law of attraction, but I think for many of us - it does not work because we are either blind to our issues, or we can not resolve them, or they are very complex. I think this  is/was true in my case.

Thanks for your support Ami.