Incest

[Lucky]

The incest that you suffered was a horrible thing, I really feel for all ladies that suffered from incest.
It's is such a terribly difficult and painful thing to talk about.

Twice I dreamt I was having sex with my mother and I already find that very difficult to tell here. I don't know what those dreams meant but I was rather shocked after having these dreams. And than these were only dreams.

[Ami]

You know P, what really surprises me is that once I tell people and they ARE shocked, it then recedes to the background and they don't think of you as "bad" or "damaged".
 I am just "me" now, it seems.
 I think *I* painted myself as bad or different but other people didn't. I am not saying this applies to you--just sharing what I am finding. Maybe the fact it was my M made a bigger issue in my self concept .  x o x o  Ami

[Gabben]

PS Even when I write about it now, I still am in denial about it cuz I feel numb and removed from it

Ami -- this, what you wrote above, is so part of the process of healing. At times I think that I am fully out of the denial of my wounds, free or at least somewhat over them. Then I go back to shock, numbness or feelings of dissociation, as if I had to leave my body so many times as a child just to survive that defense mechanism is rooted strongly in me from my traumas as well as with incest survivors.

[Gabben]

Hi Ami,

I remember you mentioning this before (maybe in a private message) and I can really relate. There is something I never shared with anybody and ironically once a spiritual healer 'got it' and talked to me about it, although she 'saw' it and I didn't really confirmed it.

When I was 3, I was crying one day. (God, how do I write this?). So she lifted me up, put me on top of a table and put her head between my legs (sorry that's all I can write). I remember having stopped the crying and as she was asking me if it felt good, I remember feeling soothed (how sick is this) and answering 'yes, it feels better'.

This is the first time I am writing this, not just here and publicly, but the first ever time I am voicing it as it happened (and admitting it to myself)

Sorry for the shock everyone.

P.

((((((Persephone)))))))   No apologies needed. Love and hugs to you.

[Ami]

Dear ((Lucky)))
 Thank you for your response. I did not see it, earlier. Yes, the dreams have a reason.Perhaps ,it shows how violated you felt by her.
    x o x o  Ami

[bearwithme]

This is all too much.  I have to come back and comment when I get a chance in a few hours.

I want to help somehow....

[Ami]

 Dear ((Bear))
  You ARE helping just by being there!  x o x  ami

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks Gabben,
and thanks to Ami who made it easier for me to open up and finally speak about this 'experience'.

Pxxx

[nolongeraslave]

Hi Ami,

I remember you mentioning this before (maybe in a private message) and I can really relate. There is something I never shared with anybody and ironically once a spiritual healer 'got it' and talked to me about it, although she 'saw' it and I didn't really confirmed it.

When I was 3, I was crying one day. (God, how do I write this?). So she lifted me up, put me on top of a table and put her head between my legs (sorry that's all I can write). I remember having stopped the crying and as she was asking me if it felt good, I remember feeling soothed (how sick is this) and answering 'yes, it feels better'.

This is the first time I am writing this, not just here and publicly, but the first ever time I am voicing it as it happened (and admitting it to myself)

Sorry for the shock everyone.

I'm sorry you had to endure that, and it's even more confusing for the child if your body "responds".  One of the reasons why I couldn't recognize my step-father's actions as "sexual abuse" was b/c my body responded to the stimulation of touch.  I was scared that people would make fun of me for it, or blame me. I felt so gross. 


I did learn that this is common among sexual abuse survivors. Sex is supposed to feel good, and our bodies were responding the way how it was supposed to. It doesn't make it right though for an adult to take advantage of us.

My NM knows that I felt "stimulated", and uses this fact to minimize the abuse. She even once said "So, you were using each other?"  EWWW...How could the 12 year old me want to use a 50-something man?

[Ami]

((((((P))))) Love you P.    x o x  Ami

[bearwithme]

This topic is just all to raw.  I find your stories so humbling and I can not fathom the reality of your pain from this experience as a child.  It literally turns me inside out!!

Persephone:  Your NM is the devil.  She deserves to go to hell because that is where she's from.

Ami:  Your NM is the devil.  She deserves to go to hell because that is where she is from.

I'm sorry for saying that. Really.  I'm just beside myself.....okay, deep breath***

Ami:  You mentioned to me about the repressed thoughts and how they came out:  "my NM is gross, she's just gross...."

Hmmmm, I think the same way!  My mom is gross.  She is so gross, gross, gross.  When I think of her body, I gross out.  I can remember her coming to the dinner table with her shorts unbuttoned and unzipped so far as where you could see her pubic hair.  She never wore underwear.  Her belly would hang over her shorts because they were too tight and she would laugh hysterically because our faces would be like "what?"  She used to (still does) wear "hot-shorts" the ones that let your butt cheeks hang out...well my mom has a huge butt and hers hung out about a mile.  I was so embarrassed by her.  I remember seeing her naked body more times than I'd like to remember but I don't recall being molested or her doing stuff....uh, that I can recall that is.  Hmmm, makes me wonder why these memories gross me out in particular.  

Although, she used to share her sex stories with me about her and my dad having sex in the car and how he supposedly tried to rape her one time.  This was all when I was a young teen.  She once told my how my father stood above her with his penis over her head and then put his foot on her shoulder so that she had to put his penis in in her mouth.....I have more ugly stores but I'll stop at that.

Is this incest????

I think you are all heroes for writing this.  How brave of you all.  I'm in awe of you and want justice for what your so-called "mothers" did to you.  This is not the end of your stories and your life.  You must move through it and come out the other side shining like stars that you were intended to be and are.  Your NM's are nothing but trash and must be thrown away.  Sorry again, can't help myself at this point.

May the mighty universe give you all the power to conquer.

xoxox

Bear

[Ami]

This topic is just all to raw.  I find your stories so humbling and I can not fathom the reality of your pain from this experience as a child.  It literally turns me inside out!!

Persephone:  Your NM is the devil.  She deserves to go to hell because that is where she's from.

Ami:  Your NM is the devil.  She deserves to go to hell because that is where she is from.

I'm sorry for saying that. Really.  I'm just beside myself.....okay, deep breath***

Ami:  You mentioned to me about the repressed thoughts and how they came out:  "my NM is gross, she's just gross...."

Hmmmm, I think the same way!  My mom is gross.  She is so gross, gross, gross.  When I think of her body, I gross out.  I can remember her coming to the dinner table with her shorts unbuttoned and unzipped so far as where you could see her pubic hair.  She never wore underwear.  Her belly would hang over her shorts because they were too tight and she would laugh hysterically because our faces would be like "what?"  She used to (still does) wear "hot-shorts" the ones that let your butt cheeks hang out...well my mom has a huge butt and hers hung out about a mile.  I was so embarrassed by her.  I remember seeing her naked body more times than I'd like to remember but I don't recall being molested or her doing stuff....uh, that I can recall that is.  Hmmm, makes me wonder why these memories gross me out in particular. 

Although, she used to share her sex stories with me about her and my dad having sex in the car and how he supposedly tried to rape her one time.  This was all when I was a young teen.  She once told my how my father stood above her with his penis over her head and then put his foot on her shoulder so that she had to put his penis in in her mouth.....I have more ugly stores but I'll stop at that.

Is this incest????

I think you are all heroes for writing this.  How brave of you all.  I'm in awe of you and want justice for what your so-called "mothers" did to you.  This is not the end of your stories and your life.  You must move through it and come out the other side shining like stars that you were intended to be and are.  Your NM's are nothing but trash and must be thrown away.  Sorry again, can't help myself at this point.

May the mighty universe give you all the power to conquer.

xoxox

Bear

Dear (((Bear)))
  I had the  covert sexual abuse you describe ,too. I hope you won't be offended but when you tell me about your M , I just die laughing. I think it is the laughter that is one step away from madness.
 You know when you laugh so hard but it is a crazy laughter.
  Do you know what I mean? I hope you understand.
  Bear, I could throw up when I think of her underwear or any personal items of hers. I could gag.
  My B ,who was living there for a while , told me he wanted to pee on her underwear or even her pillow. I am laughing hysterically again.
 It must be black,black humor.
 Love you, Bear. Thank you so very much for sharing.   x o x  Ami

[Nonameanymore]

I caught NM having sex when I was 8. She was moaning from her room and I called her and she didn't come. I went outside her room and opened the door and found her on top of a guy.
Then she was dating a basketball player and I had to see them naked all the time.
Now what I am about to write is really gross: a time that wasnt living with her, I visited, she got up naked and boiled me some chocolate milk that was probably passed its due date. She gave me the milk, stark naked, and the milk stunk. I looked at her and somehow I have associated that pungent smell, with the smell of her vagina.
She used to tell me sex details as well - once about two guys who wanted to gang-bang her and another when she taped herself having sex with her second husband because she said she wanted to show him that he wasnt taking her pleasure seriously. I bet she would have shown me the tape, should I have asked! (sorry to make fun of this).
We had a lot of sexual weird things in the family, including my father trying to kiss me and fill me up once he was drunk (I was a stranger anyway to him, this was the second time he saw me), my uncle when he was 13 and I was 4, wanting to have a 'feel' of the female anatomy with his finger.
I am sorry again to be writing these stuff so bluntly.
Ironically it's the time she shaved my head that feels more traumatic than the nudity and sexual abuse.
Gee it feels good to write these things! Thanks for letting me share.

Pxxx

[bearwithme]

My B ,who was living there for a while , told me he wanted to pee on her underwear or even her pillow. I am laughing hysterically again

Me too!  Can't stop laughing like you said, crazy laughing.....

[bearwithme]

I caught NM having sex when I was 8. She was moaning from her room and I called her and she didn't come. I went outside her room and opened the door and found her on top of a guy.
Then she was dating a basketball player and I had to see them naked all the time.
Now what I am about to write is really gross: a time that wasnt living with her, I visited, she got up naked and boiled me some chocolate milk that was probably passed its due date. She gave me the milk, stark naked, and the milk stunk. I looked at her and somehow I have associated that pungent smell, with the smell of her vagina.
She used to tell me sex details as well - once about two guys who wanted to gang-bang her and another when she taped herself having sex with her second husband because she said she wanted to show him that he wasnt taking her pleasure seriously. I bet she would have shown me the tape, should I have asked! (sorry to make fun of this).
We had a lot of sexual weird things in the family, including my father trying to kiss me and fill me up once he was drunk (I was a stranger anyway to him, this was the second time he saw me), my uncle when he was 13 and I was 4, wanting to have a 'feel' of the female anatomy with his finger.
I am sorry again to be writing these stuff so bluntly.
Ironically it's the time she shaved my head that feels more traumatic than the nudity and sexual abuse.
Gee it feels good to write these things! Thanks for letting me share.

Pxxx

Whoa, Perpsephone!!  Life shouldn't be hard for a child.  For you, it was.  I hate N's!!!  Why don't they all just die?

My blood is boiling....

Bear