Help me discern.

[Lupita]

I do not know if I am thinking clearly.

First, he told me it was not fun anymore, because I do not let him dance with other women. Not true. He can dance with decent friends, just not to chick to chick. But of course, dancing only with decent women, is not too much fun. He needs the adrenaline of the excitement of women who are not friend but he knows they want to get in his pants.

Later, we went dancing Saturday night, and there was this woman who sat with us all night. She wanted to dance with him. He said no. But she stayed sitting with us all night. He said he could not get rid of her because she was his friend. The next morning, of course we had a discussion about it. He said he was not going to dance with her because she is extremely sensual when she dances, and he did not want to cause me upsetness, but he will not stop her from talking to him.

He sat a little too close to her and touched her arm several times. I told him that he was giving her mixed messages by doing that, and he said that he was telling her that he was still his friend despite the fact that he could not dance with her. But I think that way, he will keep her bothering us. Of course, it bothers me, not him. He does not care. But he will say, “I did not dance with her”” I dance only with you”.


Today, I received his e mail that he sent around yesterday about happy easter, and he put me in the same list of this women. So, she received an e mail of happy easter  with me in the same  list. Knowing how much I dislike this woman who is extremely aggressive.

I start to think that he enjoys hurting me. I start to feel depress.

Today, we are going to try a new tango teacher. He is a man. I believe that he will have better techniques instead of spoiling the men in class like the other teacher women we had, and he will teach him better leadership  abilities as a dancer. I am afraid that it will be the same. Tones of women and few men and I will be sitting a lot of the time watching my boyfriend and partner having women standing in line to dance with him.

The other bad thing that happened this weekend is that I showed him a nice step for us to practice and he said, “who am I going to perform it, just you?”

He did not want to practice. We practice other things that he wanted. He does not like mi ideas. He did not go to my walk last night. I went alone, with my walking club. He used to go with me to my walks. He said he does not like to walk on that beach where I organize that walk. Again, my idea was rejected, since that walking activity was created by me.

I have the feeling that he is tired of me but he does not want to break up with me, for some unconscious reason. Or, he is an N and he has total indifference to my feelings and he is constantly upsetting me because he likes to hurt me and he enjoys it.

As you guys told me before, start talking to your self instead of talking to him. Talking to him is a dead end. He stops doing something bad to honor my feelings, and then he starts doing something different that he knows will cause the same affect. Then he will be able to say. I do all effort to make you happy and you are still not happy.

How can I know if he is right and he is a great man and I am f=+&cked up in the head, and I will lose a good opportunity to be loved or he is an AH, or an N who does not care or worse, enjoys hurting women.

[Lupita]

One of my biggets problems is that I always want more of what people are willing to give me. Never happy. I need to be happy and appreciate what people giove me, wich is a lot, and not to wish what people does not want to do.

I would like to designe a way to behave today evening during our dance class, I want to behave in a way that I cause him to be curious, to want to think what happened to me, to see a different person.

I want to be indifferent to the flirting of other women to him, wich is probably elicit by him.

I asked him why that woman Saturday "I"  she was bothring us and not the other couples sitting with us, but he said that she is his friend not theirs, I think he thinks she likes him not the others and that gives his N problem a boost.

I start to think he is an N.Dont know what to think. Because I might be the one that is asking too much from him, or maybe both things are happening. He told me that If I cannot handle him i will not be able to handle anybody because he has been very patient with me.

[Hopalong]

((((((((((Lup)))))))))))

What would happen IF (you could do this like an actress, be Meryl Streep for a night):

you never said a word to him about other women, their cheeks, their dancing, their interest in him (OR his response), their emails, their existence...for a week?

What if you regarded them as you would the weather, and for some reason you were just too busy being present enjoying whatever is happening INSIDE you (even if you are faking it, remember, you're acting...) to comment?

What if you just said nothing, did not react in ANY way (especially any sulking or insecure way)?

Could you experiment with that?

love,
Hops

[CB123]

Lupe,

I wanted to drop you a note to encourage you....Hops said pretty much what I would have said. 

ANYTHING you can do to make yourself feel more powerful and less at the mercy of your fears.  Getting to the bottom of all of them, the basic fear is abandonment.  That he will find someone else more attractive and leave you.  Problem is, you cant worry enough to keep that from happening.  You cant threaten, scold, cry or give the silent treatment.  If he would leave you for someone else, then you cant stop it.

If you knew this relationship was short-term, how would you want to spend the time you have together?  Are there things you would not do?  Things you would want to make sure that you did?  Do those things.  Enjoy his company.  Enjoy your OWN company! 

Lupita, honey, you can't tell him who to sit with, who to talk to.  If you spend all your time together talking about someone else, guess who is the focus of his attention for the evening?  Her.  Not you. 

What do you think of the other advice you have gotten from people on the board?  Does any of it sound reasonable? 

Love
CB

[Lupita]

Everybody sounds reasonble. The problem is my fears as you said. Hops idea is brilliant. I would like to be able to do it. I definitely try today. There is nothinhg I can do to stop him from leaving me if that is what he wants.

When my hands start shaking and sweating, my stomach contracting, I cant think, and I cant tell my self all those things. I will try today to be different. just dont know how. I think I would nead a couch with me all the time telling me what to do until I can do it on my own. Like driving instructors, until the driver can drive with minimal intervention and finally alone.

It is the same for pilots. I will try today.

[Ami]

Ok Lupita--------I would do this------Is your level of emotion when he dances with the woman WAAAY over the top? Do you feel like you will die?
 If so, it is childhood issues.
 *I* would find someone to whom I could cry and wail.
 You can do that here--in text lol
 Now, under the childhood issues you still have the question of IF he is really a womanizer or just a guy who likes to be next to woman and flirt in a guy kind of harmless way.
 I think that is your dilemma.
I would try to get below all the childhood stuff to my deepest guy and ASK myself what is was going on. Then, I would trust my gut.
                                                         Ami

                      

[Hopalong]

what the heck, Lup...nothing wrong with a tiny dose of diazepam either.
just don't do it often.
and never drink if you take it.

maybe if you had a little help (or chamomile extract) every time you go out,
while you're working on your Meryl Streep, you could have enough practice
sessions being OKAY, if not ecstatic...it could begin to become a new emotional habit.

I think you can do it.

and maybe okay is better than ecstatic. Less adrenalin.

love,
Hops

[CB123]

And, Lupe, I dont know if this will sink in right now, because your emotions are pretty high and its hard to think straight.

But this guy is part of your journey.  He is not your journey.  He may be the catalyst to take you deeper into what you want.  He may stick around for the transformation that is coming in you, or he may not.  But the transformation is the point.  You arent meant to be crippled by fear. 

Whatever he is, he has his own damage.  You have said that he had an N mother?  Is that right?  He didnt escape that unscathed.  He is acting out that wound as well.  You two may, or may not, be able to make it as a couple if you both have similar wounds that are not healed.

I know you may not believe this, but you are not going to be destroyed by this.  No matter who he turns out to be.

Love
CB

[Lupita]

First of all, Thank you to Dr. G for this place. Second, Thank you friends for being here. It is so nice to have this place to come and talk with people who understand.

Last night, several couples, five extra women. Teacher said, those who can switch, please, take the ladies in the center. M said, I have to dance with these women. I did not move, I did not do anything. Suddenly, other gentlemen from other couples took those ladies. M said, it  is OK I guess. That was the first hour of class.
Everything went fine.

Second hour of class, the moves were difficult, ladies came to us ands asked us if we were going to switch, M said we are staying together. I know that he only stayed with me because he knows that I will practice with him and he can feel comfortable, he can mess the move and we will find the problem and fix it and keep dancing. But he knows that other ladies might criticize him. I asked him if he wanted to switch and he said, stop asking me to switch, I will switch if I want to. That was a complement and not, because that meant to me in a way, he feels comfortable enough with me to dance and learn, but once he learns the move he once to have fun with other ladies. I am a piece of furniture to practice and leave once he feels comfortable. But I can see it the bad way or the good way. At this moment I want to see it the good way. He feels comfortable with me and he wants to practice with me because he is comfortable.

The teacher’s partner instructor lady, was tall, blonde, blue eyes, slender, like a model, and incredible dancer. She came several times to us to correct us and she was very nice and very professional, she danced with M in a very professional way, she smiled to me and pet me in the head.

M had told me that she was a bitch. She is intimidating because of her exceptional beauty, but she was so nice and professional….. I was impressed.

Third class, third hour, the advanced class, all the people that usually come to the parties milongas on the formal dances, came to this class. A woman tried to dance with M several times. Tall, blonde, white. I am short and olive skin. M moved from my site. I did not go after him because I was trying to do what I said I was going to do, besides he has pushed me away in other occasions that I went after him, so I did not move and stayed immutable, still, at my place. Teacher said “take your partners” That woman , when she saw that M moved away from me, she immediately moved close to him, next to him. I was seeing my self, again watching him dancing with another woman. I did not move, I did not do anything. She looked at him and at me. He looked at me, I looked at her and at him. He moved back from the opposite site or the circle to me again, he went all the way through a big circle, to come back to me, he said that he wanted to dance with me.

We stayed together the rest of the night. Suddenly, a guy came and told him, I am having a private party in my house, I am recruiting men to come dance with my female friends because I have many and I cannot dance with all of them. M looked at me and said “he meant both of us”. The rest of the evening was wonderful. We went to his house after. Today I cooked a latin breakfast for him and he loved it.

Today, he asked me if I wanted to go the party of that guy, I said, I was not invited. I said I did not want to go since I did not feel welcome by that guy. In fact, I feel it is very bad of that guy. To ask my boyfriend, my first boyfriend in so many years, the only man I care about, to come and want to take him away from me.

His name starts with F. I will call him F. I told M that when F had a girlfriend which by the way was the Russian girl, he did not even switch in class, he did not dance with other women, he devoted all his attention to her, and now that Russian girl was done with him he is trying to destroy my relationship because he is jealous. M agreed with me.

I think that M starts to understand. I hope I am not wrong. But we had a great time yesterday and hopefully we will have a good time today too since we have a huge party tonight. Wedding  of two tango teachers in a tango milonga party.

I will dress wonderfully and behave like Maril Streep. Hopefully.

If I could phone someone of you tonight if I have a bad time, to help me breath, that would be so awesome.

Love you all.

[Lupita]

Today he was joking and I was joking but he said something that hit me.

I said, sometimes I think you do not love me.

He said,

Sometimes?

That was painful to me. He was honest. He has done lots of adjustments and I dont give hime credit for it.

[lighter]

I think you're taking F's selfish attitude too personally, perhaps.

F doesn't know you've been without a date for so long, does he?

You said he just got dumped by the Russian girl.....

 he's probably still stinging and angry at all women in general. 

Nothing to do with you personally, except you're dating a friend he'd like to run single with, not that he doesn't have anyone.

Hope you had a good time a the wedding, Lupita.

I hope you danced and felt amazing: )

[Lupita]

It was nice. He behaved very nicely. He asked me permission to dance with an old lady. She is 75. She put her cheek on his. I did not care because I know she is all rinckled and old.
But now he wants to go back to the teacher from hell. He says that it is the best way to go. It was a nightmare to be in that class with that woman, and now he wants to go back to her. He wants to kill me I guess. I wrote him an e mail telling him that I do not want to go back to her.
let us see what he is going to do.
We have another dance tonight. Class with an argentine dancer who comes to give a class and a formal dance after. All his life is revolving around dancing and I am getting tiref of it. Today I had piano club and could not go because I had nothing to play.
It is my fault, I know, I do not want him to go alone to the dances. Just today, my phone has been ringing. Women are calling em asking me permission to dance with him tonight. I cant believe this. I know that he did not plan that. I know that he is inocent now. He has been dancing only with me for the last month. He needs to dance with pother ;ladies. I have to let him.
But know the guys do not want to dance with me anymore. I have to start all over again. Plus, I do not want to dance all the time. I want to do other things.
I am having anxiety again. He has done things that show love. Why do I feel bad?
It seems that I will never be able to have peace with this man. And he was so loving and so nice all this week that I had my spring break. He decided not to go to the party of F. He decided on his own that if I did not go with him he would not go either. So, he has demonstrated me in many ways that he loves me, he does. I have pain again. It was being so nice!
I have

[Ami]

Wow  CB. Thanks!                                                            Ami

[CB123]

I'm glad that spoke to you, Ami. 

Lupe, keep us posted.  Yesterday was a day when I struggled with the whirling thoughts, as you do.  I have found that I just have to hang on for the ride and then pick myself up, battered and sore, when the ride finally stops.  Today is my only day off each week, and I am so grateful for a whole day to put my hands in something creative and perhaps get out of my head for awhile.

Love
CB

[Lupita]

He danced cheek to cheek with one of my friends. I called her hipocrit and asked him to take me home. After that I picked up all the few things I had at his home, gave him his key,  and came to my apartment. I called him a traidor, and how can he critizice me for my lack of control when he cannot even control his f&*%$#ink face.

Alone again. This man does nto serve for nothing. He just causes me pain. He abosrbs my energy and gives nothing in return. He makes me feel very lonely.

Now, I have to recover. I have to look at the future. I have to be strong. I cannot cry for an idiot. He is a stupid idiot. I hate him.