Any examples of overcoming the Nism and taken control back?

[Ales2]

 I have been struggling with NC (currently LC - limited contact)  because our family dynamics are very complicated (like everyone else here! no one is immune it seems). But here is my dilemma, I might have met someone new and wonderful.  We all know that coming from a dysfunctional family is sometimes a red flag even though I have made considerable progress in my relationships. I don't want to deceive anyone, but we also know that not honoring one's family and speaking ill of them tends to have a backlash. Most people want to marry people who can "deal" with their families. So, I wondered if it might be more productive to express a concern for NMs behavior and suggest its origin, but have them meet anyway and decide for themselves. Also, during this time, I would be "civil" but allow limited involvement. If a problem then arose, then with the support of my mate, I would go NC.  Outwardly, my family is prominent, law abiding, addiction free, with some strong roots in the community and my father had an excellent medical career and reputation.  I don't like touting this because it feels phony - kind of like looking a big house, beautifully decorated with rotting pipes underneath. But, on the other hand, until a potential mate gets close enough to "inspect the plumbing" so to speak, when/what should I say?

Also, initially my question was has anyone had any experience where they accepted their NM, detach from them, decided that knowing enough about Nism and having grown sufficiently and learned new coping skills is able to handle/control the Nism to their advantage. Thus, remaining in contact, but firm boundaries.  I don't like the idea of playing games to control another human being - thats not what I am advocating. Just knowing the "rules" might mean I can stretch them rather than having been broken by them.

Am I making any sense?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Alesia

[Logy]

Ales,
Congratulations on the new relationship!  Take your LC, learn about this new person and let them learn about YOU!  YOU are not your family. 

My first thought is how LC are you with your family?  Do you need to tell them about this relationship at this time?  You deserve your own time to work on this before introducing the person to your family.  And you are in control of when they meet.  If you don't feel you are in control then I would evaluate the dynamics more.  If this partner is asking to meet your family, then you do need to address things.  I believe that you must be honest with this person.  Don't dump everything at once.   Discuss it calmly.  Once the relationship goes a little further, then you deserve the respect of being listened to and understood.

My impression is that you are putting the cart before the horse. 

Logy

[Hopalong]

Hi Ales,
I felt the same as Logy...sounds like an effort to control things before they head for scary assumptions, and I completely understand the anxiety that would drive you to have this kind of rumination going on. As a child of an N you know how desperately important boundaries are, and it must feel threatening to think that a new person might just "jolly up" to your Nparent when you know you'd spend months scrubbing the goo off yourself and fighting the sensation of backsliding.

If you can, though, be calmer about it, as Logy mentioned. You can claim the greater detachment you want NOW. Why not?

How about having a very very gentle and quiet talk with your new person and keeping what you say simple for now?

Something like, I have worked for a while now to get a balance with my family, and I feel better if I keep things light and not too constant. We're not as close as many but that's what's healthy for me.

Hops

[Sealynx]

Congrats on the new love. I think you have good advice here. Personally I am LC and my number one rule is not to share feelings of any kind with my mother. I no longer bring friends to the house because she usually finds something wrong with them.

I don't think everyone wants to be that cozy with their partner's family anymore. I would definitely avoid the conversation and even go away to someplace nice with your love for holidays or spend time with their family if invited. Most people who feel obliged to spend time with family won't ask too many questions if you accept an invitation to go along. Until this gets to the marriage stage you might be able to avoid talking about beyond saying you aren't close and her behavior is unpredictable.

When your partner wants to know more and you are firmly committed, I'd suggest asking to read a book like Nina Brown's "Children of the Self-Absorbed" rather than trying to do all the explaining yourself.

[Ales2]

Thank you all so much for this advice - you are right I was putting cart before the horse - mostly out of fear of rejection that my relationship with NM might be a red flag to someone.  Glad to know other people can say that we are NOT are families.. That recognition means a lot thank you. And the descriptions of how to explain the relationship were helpful. I'm already very detached and do not involve my NM in my life so this won't be difficult for me unless he pushes for it. I already had a one year relationship that no one in my family knew about - partially because I said nothing about him to anyone and because he had no interest in meeting mine (which is probably what I needed at the time).  The new guy is a church-goer which concerns me with the "honor your parents" teachings but he also seems smart about psychology, so we'll see...

Thanks everybody for your support..

[sKePTiKal]

Ales - in answer to your other question - I am confronting, dealing with, the old FOO and working through changing the dynamics, by changing myself.

I think you might have a slightly wrong impression about "power and control" in that situation (imho). The power and control are directly related to the ability of oneself to protect oneself (through boundaries, yes!) from being further wounded, used, or led down the same Nrabbit trail of supply/amusement/abuse games, with the parents. And I've found I always get myself "stuck" or needlessly worried, if I forget what it's cost me so much to learn, and try to control, manage anything (appearances, perceptions) of other people. That response is a leftover from my old slavery to my FOO. Only gets me the opposite result I'm trying to achieve.

The only people who are fooled by an N... is the N him-her/self. It's the snares, booby-traps, etc that they use to protect themselves from reality that you might find a bit complicated to explain to your new friend. Sometimes, we don't HAVE to explain... because more people know more about dysfunctional families than in the past. It's sort of a good thing, wrapped in a bad reality...

You'll be OK, just winging it - you know? Wait & see... don't plan it all out... and you'll learn more about who your new friend is, as a person, because of it.

[Butterfly]

I have been NC with Nmom, Ndad, Nfamily for nearly three years.  I found that any contact at all with them required me to be completely phony.  It was impossible to have a real relationship with any of them--no warmth, no honesty, no sharing of feelings, etc., just their criticisms (of everything and everybody), continual abuse of me and my children, and using me as their emotional toilet.  From my experience, I believe that it was impossible to be genuine while having any kind of relationship with an N and it was impossible to control them by my own behavior.  Often, the more I used the "medium chill" tactic (cool, distant, talk about the weather), the more obnoxious they were. 

So, yes, I got control of my own life by going NC and that has been the best gift.  And, I am now able to work on my own faulty behavior due to my upbringing and learn how to deal with Ns and other badly behaved people in an assertive manner - which I was unable to do while under the influence of the FOO.  I did attempt a reconnect with Nfamily after some time apart.  However, the abuse continued.  My new assertive self took leave of them saying "I will not tolerate your rude behavior toward me and my children.  Good bye."  This was followed up by viscious attacks via email and voicemail.  Accordingly, I am NC and plan to stay that way.  Being with them is akin to standing in front of a firing squad.  I gain no benefit from their company.  Sad, but it is the only way I have been able to handle these Ns.