Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

I don't have anything in particular to write about.

I'm feeling restless and bored, my preference is to be actively involved in life somehow. So, I have checked into possibly volunteering some time because I can only spend so much time & energy focused on reforming my life. Volunteering seems like the wrong way to focus my energy but I'm bored and unstimulated.

I'm restless, I have started reading about three books. I have considered contacting people who were never close friends in the first place just to B.S. with them about nothing in particular.

If I had a car I would probably go hiking.

I'm posing a question to myself: How much of what I think is a "story".
Actually, I know the answer I don't believe this story philosophy. I know that my experiences are real. Calling them stories are just a mental technique to detach from them. I would think that detaching is powerful but I also think there is something important for children of Nar-people to know that our SELF's perceptions are real and not just a "story".

Is that being difficult or resistant or contrary....nah, I don't think so, I think it is an honest philosophical compromise.

I'm also questioning myself: Can I even afford to be "philosophical" or contemplative..... and I'm asking myself -"can I afford to be unaware"?

I'm in a student area and in anyway that I can take in richness of thought, I figure that is better then nothing at all.
Some version of simple abundance.

[Meh]

Nuala O' Failain's book "Are You Somebody?" ...has a title that makes it sound like a self-help book, but it is not, instead it's a memoir.
I would recommend it. Her mother was an alcoholic and her father did not have close loving relationships with children in her family, in the book she describes her experience of both of her parents passing away. It's as if she is asking herself "Am I Somebody" because her parents viewed her as possibly nobody. So, I think it may be relevant to what some people here on this board ask themselves.

 

[Meh]

My stomach feels a little ill because I have unwillingly ease-dropped by proximity a conversation here at this women's shelter between a mother and daughter. The mother (in drug rehab) asked the daughter for $15, the daugher says no she can't spare it. Then the mother rants about her daughter being unfair to her, mind you they are both in a homeless shelter and neither really in a position to give up scant resources. So after the mother threatens to abandon the daughter, she gets on the telephone and speaks to someone else about what just happened (sort of a group power?). Then the mother makes another call on the phone to set an appointment for blood donation. The daughter is ill in some way herself but I dare not ask about it. These people's worlds are not mine besides the fact that we are sharing space, and maybe I need to think about it that way.  

I'm uncomfortably over hearing this and at the same time feeling revulsion for the mother and questioning my recent buddhist education session in compassion, still feeling disgusted at the mother.

**Oh God, now I have to listen to the mother pretend to be sick over the telephone. Faking the sick voice...and now off the phone and she says "I played pathetic"***

I hate this sort of intimacy with people, sharing space with random folks....finding out things that I don't want to know....(Oh Well)

I have been trying to find a push-pin somewhere on a bulletin board that I can have, couldn't find one and didn't want to take the one's that I did see, so I used a single lost post earring and used that to hang up my miniture Rumi poetry calander on the wall so I can keep track of time. I like these little moments of resourcefulness even if they are small I get some satisfaction out of it. Last night I broke the top off of an egg and didn't want to throw it away, so I found an icecream scooper to balance in inside of while I boiled it.

I just made arrangements for free theater tickets- I might hate the show, but oh well, free entertainment is free.

I think I may have found a place to take some free yoga classes.

On Friday I have an appointment to meet with a volunteer coordinator for a local arts organization.

Now I all I need is for someone to respond to my job applications.  

I'm contemplating making a meal for all the people here with my foodstamps and then again I think maybe I should just conserve what I have for myself.

When the light switch gets flipped on here, there is a dull little glass tinkle noise in succesion of the bulbs blinking on sort of like a wind chime.

I write random stuff here, I like this board and it feels good to come here and just write and deposit thoughts.
(I just removed the "Sorry" from the above sentence, where I apologize for maybe not keeping to the point as I imagine someone else may think I am not to the point. I find it helpful to come here and write even about the mundane aspects of my life. I don't have anyone to share the mundane aspects of my life with.

I also ask myself could I date? -- No I don't think so.
I don't have a strong desire for the physical side of a "relationship" right now, mainly I think it would be nice to have someone to talk to. Because maybe somewhere in the words or the "story" my SELF become real or manifest or enfleshed. Sometimes if I don't write or talk, I feel like I lose track of myself a little or I get lost into the ether.  
Normalcy would be nice.

I might apply for an office job in an abortion clinic. I hope I don't have to divulge that to the intrusive churchy people who are running this women's shelter. I myself have never had an abortion but I would still work at a place that provides this service.

Funny....life is very very strange sometimes.

[Meh]

One thing that my life has proven to me is that life is variable. Sometimes when I come and read here or write I think that I'm striving towards a goal. Other times just having some version of a voice at any point in time is enough even if I don't attain some grand goal.

My grand goal would be to have a career that allowed me freedom and power over my own life. Something that I didn't feel with my FOO. That is part of the reason why I became so depressed after I lost the job I had for so many years, I believed that IT was getting me closer to my goal. Now, I'm not so sure that a goal in my mind is really going to accomplish what I think it will.

Since life is going to be variable, there will be times when I don't feel like I have power of what is happening because that is just reality.

Are we technically Foo-Fighters? Just wondering....    

I think I can maybe accept that my GOAL of re-writing my life is not reasonable or realistic. I have wanted to do exactly that, get family portraits, have family-matron-pow-wows where we all have some sort of multi-generational healing. I thought that I could do that years ago, but now relatives are aging and it's obvious there will be no change of heart or of mind.

I'm bored and lonely to the point that I'm contemplating contacting people that I haven't talked with in a very very long time, people who probably wouldn't remember me.

It's easier to contact people when things are going well and not so easy when things are not going well, I have avoided some people for that reason. Experiencing things like this make me question human nature at it's core and I have to admit that I look at people in some sort of dark way, and I'm convinced that humans are really not that great, even if that is an unpopular point of view.

[sKePTiKal]

My grand goal would be to have a career that allowed me freedom and power over my own life.

If you find one of these careers, let me know! 

But then, I think freedom and power over my own life exists on some other plane or level of reality, than the one careers exist in.

[Meh]

Went to theater performance and it was great to have something to look forward to, I wasn't sure how the quality would be because it was free and not really my genre of interest, still I smiled throughout the whole thing. I couldn't recruit anyone from the shelter to come with me, oh well, their loss.

Went to my volunteering interview, I'm going to start doing that next week. I'm grateful just to in the world of the normal.

I will write more later.

[sKePTiKal]

This sounds good! Like progress, even...

I'm looking forward to hearing about your interview!

[lighter]

I think volunteering will bring energy and new contacts into your life.

Who knows what doors this new chapter will open?

Glad to read you enjoyed the theater performance.

Lighter

[Meh]

Well, it wasn't so much of an interview exactly. In fact I almost wonder if they are over-estimating me because as soon as I got there I was whisked away to talk to people about a project that I was interested in helping with. They were discussing budget stuff and publicity stuff at a pretty sophisticated level. Some woman who seems to be the director came along and started delegating to me the chore of writing letters for public publicity release. Oh, well. I can try my best. I enjoy writing but my grammar is really not all that great and since I haven't formally studied writing that much I'm not confident about it, but what’s new?...

I'm just going to go with the flow for a while and hope that something comes up soon in the way of work.

Actually I look at the students who are involved in the volunteer work and I envy them, the experiences that they are having and how much they are learning and growing. 

I was energized after meeting with the volunteer group though, because they themselves are energized about what they are doing. The quality of interactions is on a different level then in shelters, in shelters even the good ones, it seems that people are just focused on themselves and their problems (rightfully so)...but it gets tiresome and it's hard to connect with people on a positive

[Meh]

This day is a sneek-up-and-blow-your hat off into the river type of windy day. There are about three errands I need to do and am procrastinating on since I don't have a car and they are all far away it involves long bus rides.

I wish I could have a peaceful, quite and cozy day at home or even a get-stuff-done day..but it's just not that at all.

So, I will go make SOMETHING out of the day. At least one little something I will do.

[Hopalong]

I think you'd be superb at a volunteer gig that involves letter-writing, MB.

You are an EXCELLENT writer.

And that's solid work experience that goes very nicely on a resume.

Hope you enjoy it!

Hops

[lighter]

I think you write very well also, Muffin. '

You'll do just fine: )

Lighter

[Meh]

Just putting down some thoughts.

"Do what you can where you are with what you have" ~ Quote by Elliot Roosevelt or Theodore Roosevelt

This quote has always stuck in my mind and I refer to it when I don't know what else to do.
So today, while I was frustrated that I could not plant some daffodils or primroses or paint or even buy a sketch pad, instead I was surfing the internet and finally came upon a painting tutorial on youtube that demonstrated a technique that I had never thoroughly learned. I like to think that I can still learn and grow in some way even if my lifestyle is detached and ungrounded.

Many times in my life I have been preparing for some sort of impending doom. Maybe the doom really is here and more is coming.
Even If doom is here right now and is coming, I still need to make the most out of my life. I don't think this is a concept I grew up with or understood...I'm afraid that I'm disintegrating physically because I'm not exercising much and also in my mind...poverty of thought.

Making the most out of life feels like a powerful place to start because it doesn't demand that one's starting point must be ahead of the pack.

Making the most out of life can be bland or vague or cliche...or not. Making the most out of life can be very specific for each person. Maybe I'm in a good place to make the most out of my life or maybe not. I'm certainly not on "a plan". There is a church close by with stained glass windows, there is over-painting on top of the stained glass that is very well done and each pane is unique. I barely give myself the time to notice these things or enjoy them because I live like a horse with blinders on facing forward to a target. It's hard to know what exactly to focus on sometimes.
After writing so much on this board, I certainly know that focusing on my relatives is not a good place to turn my head--but focusing on how my family may impact me I think that is ok in small amounts maybe.   


So I have a mental note of free meditation and yoga sessions I can participate in. I have figured out how to get free theater performance tickets. It helps, but I also know that it's possible I will only be here on a temporary basis. So, I'm asking myself how badly do I want to stay here, and why this place compared to other places?

I've been seeing pots of red petted prim-roses with yellow centers, I swear my life could revolve around such an insignificant thing.

I was trying to figure out a church to go to, I happened upon one that is inaccessible to me because it is in the hills, on the website for the church was a prayer request submission area. So I went ahead and submitted a brief prayer request for work & health & family.
I thought twice about the family part, I have always been distanced from my foo, I have never realized it so concretely though how insignificant my family is in my life.

I'm just rambling now.  

[Meh]

Thank you, Hops & Lighter.

[Meh]

Since Spring is on its way here, I'm enjoying looking at things like this:  www.kathyandersonstudio.com/index.htm