Wail o' the week

[Meh]

Hops, I have been reading. Refraining from responding, wrote and then erased. Anyways, your boss is a major A-hole and I hope he has a heart attack and I don't care if I go to hell for saying that. He could have said a lot of other things, what he said wasn't in anyway constructive. I'm just thinking about what a world of difference there is between a person/friend who wants us to succeed and do well versus a person who wants us to fail and wants to see us suffer. A WORLD of difference. I wish there were more supportive and good hearted people in this world. Its sort of a war for one's own soul.  

XXX Good luck XXX

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I used to do those kinds of sick days - I REALLY needed them, too. It helped me keep on at my job, longer that I really needed to be there (for me)... made it possible. It actually got to the point where I told my Nboss that I needed - and was going to - take one Friday off a month for awhile to de-stress. He let me do it... probably because I became a real pain in his @ss... while I was figuring out what boundaries were, at work: which ones I could respond swiftly to defend... and the others that didn't really matter. I still chuckle over the time he barged into my office (I subsequently learned to lock the door) to insist I drop everything & do something totally unreasonable right that moment... and I just looked up and said NO, I'm not going to do that... we can discuss it in our weekly meeting next week.

hee hee heee!

[Hopalong]

Well, his radar must've belatedly been going off because when I didn't go to work today he wrote me what sounded like a pretty sincere apology for his tone during the meeting. He didn't reference that particular comment but said he had a great deal of respect for me and wanted to "show it more."

I accepted it, and at the same time spelled out how that remark felt to me at the time.

So that's good.
It's too bad it's such a struggle for him to respect a female, but at least ... there's some awareness maybe.

The real bliss is that he's off on a Central American vacation now for 10 days.



Hops

[Meh]

Why do jerks get vacations. Why GOD?

[Hopalong]

Due to his own efforts AND the effort of me and 2 others, he's made millions.
Got 40 acres and a "green" architect, and built a spectacular home.
(When I asked to be paid the same as the men with same senority...well, you've heard that saga.
He doesn't feel any shame that the only female (except for the last hire who is the store clerk)
and the senior creative person, drives a 14 y/o car and wears the same Goodwill clothes, year
after year. Something, probably learned from the guru, feels "right" to him about this. Or at least,
he's untroubled by it.

Sexism or pay inequity isn't part of "his dharma" to fix. He said, "Should I feel obligated if
you 'feel poor'?"

There are so many great moments. He raves about the young men who work for him, one
having been an eagle scout, another whose family had a factory...on and on. Three years
after I'd been working for him daily more closely than anyone else--building the brand and
the site and 50 articles on the blog and practically every "public image" deciision we've made,
and having editing every single thing he's written for public distribution (and few of his letters
to lawyers) he hired me he said one day, don't you have a Master's degree in journalism? He had
no idea what my degree was in (creative writing) and has never asked me one word about any
of my 30 years of previous jobs. It's like --any job you had before working for MEEEEEEEE is
not worth my notice.

One of my other favorites was when he remarked one day , "Any English major could do your
job, but I could never replace THEM (the two young men)."

When it's not so oppressive it feels like great material for a memoir...except my fondest
hope is to retire soon enough that I can spend years never thinking about him.

But I am not wailing right now because it's peaceful at work in his absence.

PR, I love the defiance stories too. In the private sector in a bad economy though,
I could not assert myself that overtly to Nboss. Nbosses do retailiate and such.

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, I know Hops - how well I know. I stayed 10 years, hoping one of the "higher ups" would finally do something... that he'd finally hang himself. It came close a couple times, but he was able to shift the blame (and the firing) to someone else. If there was no statute of limitations, the lawsuits would be an arm long... precisely because of how Nboss treated women and how the "rules" didn't apply to him. The guys in my office knew Nboss was insane and a jerk, but except for 1 or 2... there were never any confrontations or "reasoning" sessions.

That job followed 14 years with N-Ex #2... and I fully believed that I shouldn't complain - compared to other women - because I was so, so familiar with the schtick; I was used to it. I could "take it"... until I couldn't. At that point I was really confused about what was going on with me, got funnelled to my T, started learning tai chi.... and I bided my time there, learning all I could about how co-exist with an N without being a victim (not sure I ever figured that out)... and practicing the skills I was learning in T. I spent a lot of time in my office (door locked, of course) - on this board, instead - those years. Even the simple knowledge that I was teaching myself to stand up for myself... learning how to "turn the tables" on Nboss once in a while... helped me endure it without taking it out on myself, until the opportunity came up that I could leave.

I should dig around in the pile o' memories in my head and see if I can come up with some more stories for you. Some of the things we went through were really pretty funny - in retrospect. I was fortunate that there were so many women around me in that job - who'd had exactly the same experience (or worse) with him. We commisserated a lot and let each other vent the frustration out. Here's my favorite about N-Ex#2 (who I'd bet money actually knows your Nboss from the same guru circles):

L decided that we needed a canoe and that he could teach himself to fly fish from it. I liked to camp; knew how to canoe, fish... so at first, this seemed like a peaceful activity where we could actually spend time together. We didn't spend a lot of time together, because I commuted to a teaching job where my class didn't end until 11 pm. So one day, we're out on the lake pulling up to shore again... and from the back of the boat the "boss" commands that I jump out into the water and pull the canoe further onto shore. He'd been busily telling me "how" do everything that afternoon... I'd been keeping silent... and well, don't you know Twigs had had enough?   

He was standing in the back of the canoe dealing with tackle, oars, etc and I just winged the front of the boat up and about 6 ft on shore. He fell right over the back of the canoe - SPLASH! It was a 3 Stooges moment, for sure. I was laughing so hard the tears were streaming... as he came up sputtering with angry comments... to see me incapacitated with delight. What could he do but laugh it off? I was doing exactly as I was told... and there were other campers nearby.

In that respect, it's a really really good thing that Twigs is an opportunist! LOL...

[finding peace]

Hey Hopsy,

I completely understand not being able to get out of a bad situation due to economy - completely.

I found that the only thing I could do....

When my boss was bad mouthing me and on the flip side taking credit for my work...

I'd imagine him/her with little piggy ears, a snout, and all words coming out of his mouth (other than those complimentary - although those were manipulation to keep me working) as .... oink, oink, uh, oink'ed, oink, oink, oink.

I don't know if it will help, it certainly won't give you the credit you more than deserve, but maybe it may take the sting out of a pig that doesn't have a true stinger.  

I have hope for everyone, so it makes me very uncomfortable to call him a pig.... but the situation is what it is.  And you don't desrve to suffer for it.  It isn't about you - it is about his limitations (which seem many IMO).

Love you Hopsy.

FP

[Hopalong]

Great fishing story, Amber. Just a shame your sexist boss wasn't sitting right beside him. Double splash!
I remember in a state job how the sexism/corruption things were even MORE frustrating than in the private sector, in a way...because one was inculcated into believing that employment laws were strictly observed in state institutions. That "rights" were not messed with.
In the private sector, where it's more clearly a fiefdom, it's just more clear that the one with the money has all the power, and that racism and sexism and nepotism and all these others things that aren't "supposed" to happen still do.

Thanks, FP, you summed it right up:
badmouthing
taking credit for your own work
compliments that feel manipulative

I am not suffering as much as I used to over him. I think the general changes are:
I am speaking up for myself more. Not more aggressively, and not with perfect timing, but generally, I'm being more open and honest. Advocating for a better raise worked halfway, and a small raise that I achieved by sticking up for myself is precious to me, even though I'll never reach parity. And I'm telling the truth more (like how I feel about something.) Not with drama, just not pretending I agree if I dno't.
Next goal is to do it more fluidly and right in the moment.
Another goal is to mask my vulnerable feelings more. (With fatigue and stress over D and being the oldest, it's a job to do that.)

Another change is that I intentionally forgive (and re-forgive) him. I have found this does not make me feel like a martyr or a victim. It just makes me able to feel happier. It's almost like, forgiving him supports a boundary. I can stay safely behind my own self-wall even while forgiving. Like "trust, but verify" -- it's "do not trust, but forgive". So I'm guarded more the way one is over things that are dangerous that one chooses to keep an emotional distance from. But while staying guarded (my own wellbeing boundary), I find I can in parallel still forgive him in a more genuine way.

The other reason I'm forgiving him more often is that I am sometimes sensing a genuine desire on his part to be "good." I think he struggles with it. So I'm demonizing him less. I do not wish to "forget" what he's capable of though. Whenever I do, that's when I get re-hurt.

The previous "speaking up for myself" was when I advocated directly to him for a raise and though I couldn't get him to reach equity, he at least raised it a bit more after I wrote him. That was a big deal, that I actually told him how I felt about it. Whether it's his "dharma" or not! Generally, and I don't expect to do it perfectly...I am speaking truth more, and with less fear. So that's good.

I'm learning also to take his "compliments" with just as much guardedness as I do his "badmouthing" -- they all come from the same place.

Last time he took credit for my work in a large meeting, when it was time for discussion, I said with a straight face (shortly after he'd announced, "This is what Hops and I did" --- "I think it may help the group understand the project if I explain how I did it" and then...I explained how I did it. It was very clear who conceived, designed, surveyed, wrote up and analysed it because nobody else, including him, could have described it with that much knowledge.

--The other general change is, my two new young colleagues also "get it." They see him for what he is (and me too, no doubt). One thing I need to keep processing is that the newest young man will go to him with a request for something that I've been telling Nboss for years we need, to do our function. He would automatically tell me NO. The young man? He's just bringing up what he needs to do his job, and boss basically hears him respectfully (no gagging, evidently). It's maddening. But not the young man's fault. So...lots of sucking that up is needed on my part. One JOYFUL moment for me was when the other young man, whom I work with pretty closely, said to me one day, "Do you think he just rejects your suggestions sometimes because you're a woman?" Wow. It was like water after crawling across a desert...he is the first person in the company to ever: see what's real, and say it to me. I could've hugged him.

FP, you're right, it really is NOT about me. The more I recall that...the easier it is to tell myself, What is about you is your simply focusing on doing good work, being productive, and moving the task forward. Just keep doing that, and you'll be okay.

Thanks for the understanding. I really appreciate that.

love,
Hops

[Meh]

...That "rights" were not messed with.
In the private sector, where it's more clearly a fiefdom, it's just more clear that the one with the money has all the power, and that racism and sexism and nepotism and all these others things that aren't "supposed" to happen still do.
Hops

Conversely I thought it was strange the way gay people were helping each other get jobs at one metropolitan place I worked.
There were so many gay people who worked in that office I thought this can't be a correct representation of the percentage of people who are gay- that's not diversity, its a monoculture. The company also celebrated gay pride day. The business had nothing to do with gay pride specifically. Some places are amazingly liberal to the extreme.

I think I was seeing gay nepotism because boyfriends were helping other boyfriends get jobs there and were quite blatant about it. Lots of smirks all around. But of course that is "politically correct" though.

There was a lesbian couple that had their donated sperm delivered to the work place and they were celebrating all this. I thought what the heck does that have to do with the business and can't you pick up your sperm somewhere else? People are told in employee orientation not to bring their personal business/stuff/issues to work with them - well I guess sperm delivery at work to a lesbian couple is politically correct. It's one thing not to harrass a person, it's another thing when their insemination becomes the topic of the week at the office.

Unfairness occurs everywhere. I see it at the foodbank that I go to. Some of the volunteers give preference to certain ethnicities and I'm not talking about the white ones. I didn't believe it for certain, some of my "neighbors" were telling me about it. But then one day I noticed that the woman behind me just pointing to all these things she wanted behind the counter (cherry picking) and the volunteer was giving them to her. So I asked him for the same thing and the volunteer wouldn't give me the same things although I could see the stuff plainly in sight he acted like he didn't have any. I was irriated on the principle of it and because my neighbors had described this treatment to me. I got a little louder then I normaly do. I kept on saying "I want to know why she gets to request certain things and I can't"....so somebody gave me one more item. Of course that wasn't the point. So when I got home I called the manager there and he said he suspected this was happening.

These people see it as making the score even.

It happens on all sides in different ways.

[Hopalong]

Hi Boat,
I struggled with my response to your post.
I think it was the "these people" -- for gay people, and presumably people of color.
That "other" talk is trigger language though I know it was also honest utterance.

I don't think unfairness is good any way it happens but I find if I lead with love, I can understand things faster.
Like, why members of a minority that's known vicious class-wide prejudice --including being murdered just for
existing--might develop some "compensatory payback" kinds of pack behaviors. Positive or not, fair or not, I
can surely understand how that can come to be.

So if an incident makes me feel "huffy" then I remind myself, this is very old, very old, and it
really is not an insult to me. (I don't have to like a rude/bad behavior, though!)

What's scary is when scarcity, or inadequate resources, trigger conflict along "tribal" lines.
Think of prisons. It always saddens me that with all the power of those mighty walls, the system is completely
defeated by class hatreds (once the most precious resource, freedom, has been removed) and so, matter-of-factly
segregates by race. There's not even the pretense of integration there. Though individuals who know better,
still grieve over the hatred.

We have so, so far to go.

Easy to remark to someone who's not experiencing any "privilege" at all these days, but studying
about white privilege has been an eyeopener for me. I'm in a community-wide "Dialogue on Race"
project for the second time, and learn something new every time about the daily hostilities and insults
people go through.

Hops

[Meh]

Hi Hops,

Really has nothing to do with Narcissism but this has stuck in my memory:

There were two separate cases of sad police brutality where I live. One involved a white male victim, one involved a minority status  victim (but not black). Both cases were in the news but only the minority story resulted in civil rights groups getting involved and public protests. In both cases the police were found not guilty even though huge sums of money were paid out to the family members of the deceased and permanently brain injured. It was obvious how wrong both cases were. The minority incident received a disproportionate amount of attention and a higher level of inquiry and legal scrutiny in court even though there was no evidence that the reason why he was targeted related to his ethnicity at all. Groups like the American Civil Liberties and so forth can at times represent races rather than principles from what I have heard in some discussions that come out of these events.

I don't think there really is a true principle or moral of fairness in life though...its not really the way the human animal seems to operate.