Yes, it is like an argument Star. A never-ending circular argument with no winners.
What Dr. G was saying - what I learned to do from my T, too - was just stop the argument and do something different. More like what we do here, in some really active threads... support, validate, understand and care about each other... even when we disagree on some things.
It is possible to simply walk away from the argument and think, do, be something different. It's the preparation for getting to that possibility that takes time, and talking, reassurance, confidence... even learning new emotional skills. Dr G's point, I think, is that if the only structure for having a relationship that we know, is based on an emotionally abusive pattern... well, we need to learn other ways of having relationships with someone who's NOT abusive. Someone who's "safe" even when we're polar opposites. So that we can develop confidence in our own self - even if it's polar opposite from the other person - without resorting to the old, restrictive, self-defense mechanisms that only shoot ourselves in the foot. No matter how old we are; no matter that we didn't learn this before now.
It really does get better; easier. But it takes a long time.
Just this week, I wanted to move an account from one bank to my new one. In the course of the "courtesy" call - a heads up to the current bank - the manager tried to convince me not to do this. I had to insist that I knew all the things he was suggesting, had already considered them and made my decision and then remind him, that I was only calling him out of courtesy, to let him know what I was doing. And then I've had to deal with my guilt feelings all the rest of the week. This is like an emotional hangover from my FOO. I'm angry that I even have that guilt reaction - it is my money, after all, isn't it?? Why should I even be tormented by this totally irrational feeling??? My reasons for moving the account include some really bad advice, some neglect on the part of the manager, and several mistakes. One mistake could be forgiven; these things happen. When it gets to be a pattern... sigh...
but because the manager is an "authority figure" and has tried to assume a parental type of relationship - like my Nmom, queen of everything and everyone around her who is always right and knows best - it triggered that old guilt feeling of "being bad", of "doing wrong" simply because I was making the manager unhappy that his bank and he himself - was losing my account... in effect, I felt forced to act in my own best interest. It's clearly not in my best interest to leave this account with this bank. It was the right decision - and I wasn't going to let that guilty feeling stop me from taking the proper action.
I've learned better ways to deal with that kind of hangover feeling - the guilt. I don't abuse myself the same way I used to... to make the unconscious statement that "I know I'm bad" or that "there's something wrong with me"... I don't shoot myself in the foot or self-sabotage or self-harm, just because I wanted to end that business relationship that wasn't working out to my benefit... and because I ruined someone's day.
I deal with that old guilt feeling, by kindly reminding myself that this is a different situation than dealing with my mom and that if I don't look out for what I NEED, and make those decisions... no one else is going to. Not even my advisors at the new bank. I don't need to argue this in my feelings (via guilt) or in my mind or with the manager: I'm ALLOWED to make those kinds of decisions and act in my own best interest.
Because I said so! LOL....
