Black Swan was a tough movie for me. One of those horror movies I couldn't make myself look away from -- and then I reacted with some serious, slow, cold anger.
Your point about looking at an emotion up close & personal, or far away is a great one. I guess there's a time and place to do both of those - as needed. (It might not even be necessary for some people & some things.) Yes, I can't believe how completely lucky I was in finding, connecting with my T. I was actually pointed toward another one, first, but the description of her as more "structured" (whatever was meant by that) clicked with me. What I found out much later, was that she was extremely patient and gentle and warm... and very, very strong; a true amazon. I'm still rather in awe of her tai chi sword form. She even "let me go" on T breaks a couple of times... warming up to the "real" work I needed to do. I needed to learn, experientially, how to process my own feelings and integrate that with my stronger intellectual, left-brain self.
For me, that was simply FEEL and wallow in those feelings until I was done; bored; tired of it all. I'd never really been allowed that -- not even as a small kid. It was always: "You shouldn't feel that way; feel like this instead."
My therapy was, objectively, a very simple process. She basically shot holes in all my assumptions about myself, starting with the self-image that I was simultaneously too intensely emotional and yet so intellectually Mr. Spock-like that I could shift into some absolute objectivity that would reveal the hidden "truth" of situations. Both of those were wrong. It was a type of self-soothing delusion that served as a mechanism for me to not ever really "feel" my feelings... rather analyze them, talk about them... from a distance -- but because those feelings were all-too-personal (and I judged them as being "wrong" feelings as if feelings could be right or wrong)... I wasn't able to get far enough away from them, to see how they were an essential part of my self-harm cycle. I needed someone else to mark, mirror, reflect back to me what I was doing... without imposing their judgements or personal values or "shoulds" on me. Even monks - professional meditators - debrief with their teachers about things like this... self-doubt can be a real serious paralyzing handicap and most of the time is totally unfair. (It's one of those hangover-effects from certain kinds of parents...)
It was kinda like emotional push-hands. When you're working with that partner, and all of a sudden you instinctively (almost physically) just "know" that you could shift 1/4 inch in that direction... and gain the advantage... or improve your own defense. Enough practice like that begins to germinate as inner confidence and emotional "strength" -- i.e., control over oneself. That's the ONE thing Nparents don't ever acknowledge that we have... because in their deluded world view only THEY can control. Bullshit.
So, in some ways, my T was the perfect the "substitute" mother. Her "discipline" of me made sense. Yet she never tried to control me. It was more a negotiated agreement. And on reflection, I can see how my Nmom was simply incapable and totally without insight/skills to deal with someone like me. I have a really strong-personality daughter, too. A mega-challenge kid... and we've learned from each other, a lot of things. My mom in some ways is like a body without anyone inhabiting it... and she's got this insatiable need to have other people fill her up... so she can pretend to be real. That's what she calls loving, caring about other people. I really think she fits Borderline Personality profile, pretty good.
I still take some of her phone calls. I find myself feeling like I'm dealing with a "problem child" who refuses to take the advice she's asked for and is therefore really scared... and I care a lot less than I would admit in mixed company. So many other people return the favor of caring... so I spend that "currency" on them instead.
