Why do we feel so guilty over NC?

[Hopalong]

http://www.ehow.com/how_5909952_report-harassing-mail-postmaster-general.html

This indicates that your emotional distress is enough to justify a report.

I think I'd do it. You deserve your serenity.

love
Hops

[JustKathy]

Thanks for the link Hops! I've bookmarked it and will hold onto it in case it becomes necessary to use it.

For the time being, I'd prefer not to do something that drastic because I know that it's EXACTLY what she wants me to do. She wants the ammunition to cry to friends and family about what a horrible thing I did to hurt a poor woman who is close to death. A few years back, when she was first diagnosed with "four weeks to live," she sent me this package containing about $50 worth of junk costume jewelry, along with an over-the-top maudlin letter that said I had always been her favorite child, and that she wanted to leave her beloved daughter her treasured jewelry. She then had my sister email me to reiterate that the house, the bank acounts, and remaining possessions were all being willed to the GC. It was a set-up. I'm convinced that she was hoping I would blow up, and in my anger, send back the cheap jewelry so she could cry to everyone about how I had ripped out the heart of a dying woman. So I tossed the package in a drawer and haven't looked at it since.

For the time being I want to do something that will give ME some satisfaction, namely, leaving her with egg on her face. She volunteers for the local police department and considers herself an honorary cop, even calls herself a CSI. Right now she's sitting there gloating, bragging on her policewoman skills by telling everyone that she found me. I want to burst that bubble. Filing a restraint order will confirm that she did indeed find me and is getting under my skin and, well, back to that self-gratification analogy ...

The other unknown is whether or not she really does have terminal cancer. If she does, I'd like to be able to call "checkmate" on her before she kicks off. If it turns out that she's faking the cancer, and the harassment persists, then I'll consider the next step.

What I find so frustrating about dealing with these issues today, as opposed to ten years ago, is that little thing called Google. It's become so easy to track someone down and stalk them. I refuse to hide, and make my Twitter and Facebook accounts private, or not have a blog, or not sell on eBay, or not have an online store, or any of the things that make it easy for a person to track my movements. I do take some precautions, like specifying Facebook posts and photos as being for "friends only," but still, Google can turn up so many things. It's hard, because I'm always juggling things and trying to strike a balance between living a normal life and trying to stay hidden. I hate it. But I guess it's something that we all have to contend with. Even people who don't use social media can be easily located. The Internet has given us so much (like this group), and at the same time, has taken so much away.

[Twoapenny]

I think the good thing is that you have options, Kathy, it helps to know there are different ways to deal with things and if one thing doesn't work there's something else to try.

A long time ago now, someone told me that the best form of revenge is to live a really happy, healthy life.  I've tried really hard over the years to do just that.  Sometimes it feels a bit one step forward and two back, but on the whole I'm making progress and my life is in a much better state now than it used to be.  It was what you were saying about the internet that made me think of it, places like Facebook are great for crowing about how happy you are, how lucky you are to have such a fab husband, how blessed you are to have a good job/nice home and so on   I know my mum (and other members of my family) are at their happiest when I'm in a bind so it always makes me smile when I think of someone telling them how great I'm doing.  I think eventually you'll get to a point where you'll think "They know where I am.  So what?"  And, as Phoenix said, where something can arrive in the post and you either pass it on or throw it away without thinking twice about it.  It's nice when you get to that stage

[JustKathy]

A long time ago now, someone told me that the best form of revenge is to live a really happy, healthy life.

That sure is true with Ns, isn't it? My NM has always hated that I had a good life and lived well ... not riches, but my own home, a car, a good job ... things that she couldn't stand me having. I know that if she could have one dying wish, it would be to see me fail, to end up poor, homeless, and in failing health. She's not going to get that wish. Even if I were to fall on hard times, I'd never give her the satisfaction of knowing about it. Instead, I'd chat with friends on Facebook about my "new Mercedes," and let her head spin around like Linda Blair's. 

[gratitude28]

It took me a long time to realize that the boxes that arrived were just boxes... full of "stuff" (and some of it was pure junk...)... and that this stuff was as emotionally neutral as a box of rocks. And since for the longest time Mom wouldn't listen to me, understand that my house was stuffed to the gills, I didn't want/need any more STUFF - no matter whose it was - and she thought/believed/that her version of who I am would want this stuff - because she DOESN'T know me... only her crazy, made up version of me... which is more her than me...

This resonates with me so much... I had a shocking realization too one day. And I remember one day I was in th pantry, and there was a food I don't especially like, and I had this weird thought, "I could make it for the kids." And that is one of her thoughts - if she doesn't like it, make it for someone else or give it to someone else. For Christmas she made us these crappy bracelets with cheap beads and didn't even finish them off, so when you went to put it on, the beads spilled all over the floor. She thought that was funny.  For herself she buys beautiful, expensive beads and jewelry and hoards it and thinks people are jealous of her.

BTW - whatever the item was in the pantry, I think I threw it away, b/c I like to make my kids happy. I don't give them things they don't want - except vegetables

[JustKathy]

no matter whose it was - and she thought/believed/that her version of who I am would want this stuff - because she DOESN'T know me...

This was actually the thing that made me decide to go NC almost ten years ago. We had just bought a new house that was VERY small. We had almost no closet space, and were trying to downsize. NM has always sent "stuff" for Christmas, and as with you, it was never stuff that I would have wanted or needed. It was stuff that she forced on me to further her own agenda. I remember one year a very pricey Beanie Baby, not because I wanted it, but because she wanted to brag to everyone that she had contacts who could get it for her. Anyway, the year we moved, I asked for gift cards rather than stuff. We really needed gift cards, not more stocking stuffers that we had no space for. She came absolutely unhinged. You would have thought the world was ending. I got a three page letter about how I had broken her heart by rejecting her gifts (and by "gifts," I mean socks, clothes that were not in my size, more socks). After reading her three-page guilt letter, I said, NO MORE.

and I had this weird thought, "I could make it for the kids." And that is one of her thoughts - if she doesn't like it, make it for someone else or give it to someone els

Yep, my NM did that too. In most houses, people might think of disposing of unwanted food by giving it to the dog, or in my case, the outdoor wildlife. My mother gave the old junk that she wouldn't eat herself to me. Good for you for recognizing that you were repeating your NM's pattern, and put the brakes on. I never had children, and one of the reasons why was that I always feared becoming my NM. One of my therapists told me that the opposite is actually true. Most daughters of N's are so finely tuned into what their own mothers did to manipulate them that they know how to turn it around. I'll never know what kind of mother I would have been, but my NM's cruelties are with me 24/7, so I like to think that I would have been able to break the cycle. I'm glad that you did. 

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((JustKathy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Kathy - you know, there is some truth to the idea that daughters of Ns DO work hard at changing things around. In fact, I think any kind of "mothering" role helps us process and let go a lot of the "old crap". I'm not suggesting you actually have kids! LOL... but perhaps being a Big Sister, or connect with a girl scout or brownie troop... something on that order, might offer you some new experiences and insights -- and I know you'll more than likely find opportunities to get emotionally "involved" - in a good way - with some of those girls.

This week, in addition to our latest grandson and his parents, we have a couple of their friends and two more little girls staying with us. The little girls have come through some N-times themselves, I've discovered and Mom's working overtime to rebuild their confidence and emotional health. I just wanna scoop them up and hug them until they're all "all better" and are ready to go run & play like little Amazons again.

Where's that universal, unconditional, love - protection - safety - and well-being machine? I gotta bunch o' quarters to feed it and maybe I'll hit the jackpot and it'll start streaming out all over the place!!

[JustKathy]

Ugh .... OH UGH! I may have to use that postal harassment link after all, depending on what happens here.

I was getting ready to return Co-Father's latest card, and was trying to think of something to have a friend write on it that would convince NM that she had the wrong address. Maybe "Same name, wrong guy, RETURN" or something like that. BUT, here's where I freaked out. Assuming that NM would start Googling my name to try and find me, and hopefully get sent on a wild goose chase, I tried it for myself to see what results I would get. O.M.G. There are about 20 sites with my name and address, with other things, like my birthday, that link to me. One page had my picture next to my name and address! It was a photo that I had uploaded to my blog years ago and taken down, but apparently not before one of those "detective" sites grabbed it. Wow. You can run but you can't hide.

I did do one small thing today that might make her head explode. I made sure that 100% of my Facebook page is set to private, and opened a second, decoy page, that identifies me as still living in Arizona. For my favourite books, I listed, "Mommy Dearest, "Toxic Parents," "Trapped in the Mirror," and every book I could think of relating to N mothers. It's a very small "up yours," but if she finds it on one of her stalker searches, she'll not only be confused about the location, but her head will spin around like a top, and just the thought of that makes me very very happy. 

[BonesMS]

Ugh .... OH UGH! I may have to use that postal harassment link after all, depending on what happens here.

I was getting ready to return Co-Father's latest card, and was trying to think of something to have a friend write on it that would convince NM that she had the wrong address. Maybe "Same name, wrong guy, RETURN" or something like that. BUT, here's where I freaked out. Assuming that NM would start Googling my name to try and find me, and hopefully get sent on a wild goose chase, I tried it for myself to see what results I would get. O.M.G. There are about 20 sites with my name and address, with other things, like my birthday, that link to me. One page had my picture next to my name and address! It was a photo that I had uploaded to my blog years ago and taken down, but apparently not before one of those "detective" sites grabbed it. Wow. You can run but you can't hide.

I did do one small thing today that might make her head explode. I made sure that 100% of my Facebook page is set to private, and opened a second, decoy page, that identifies me as still living in Arizona. For my favourite books, I listed, "Mommy Dearest, "Toxic Parents," "Trapped in the Mirror," and every book I could think of relating to N mothers. It's a very small "up yours," but if she finds it on one of her stalker searches, she'll not only be confused about the location, but her head will spin around like a top, and just the thought of that makes me very very happy. 

(((((((((((((JustKathy)))))))))))))))))))))))  Good for you!

Bones

Now to find a way to get the other stuff off of Google.....................

[JustKathy]

Now to find a way to get the other stuff off of Google.....................

I don't think you can ever remove the personal information that those "detective" sites post. Some of them have my history dating back almost 30 years, to every house I've ever owned and every city I've ever lived in. I'm thinking that the only thing a person can do is confuse those sites by putting erroneous information out there. At least that way, a search will produce conflicting information, but what's out there is out there, unfortunately. 

[BonesMS]

Now to find a way to get the other stuff off of Google.....................

I don't think you can ever remove the personal information that those "detective" sites post. Some of them have my history dating back almost 30 years, to every house I've ever owned and every city I've ever lived in. I'm thinking that the only thing a person can do is confuse those sites by putting erroneous information out there. At least that way, a search will produce conflicting information, but what's out there is out there, unfortunately. 

It appears so. 

I still have my thinking cap on.................

Bones

[JustKathy]

It's the nature of the Internet. I could live in a bubble, use aliases, and hide from the world, but that would only make me miserable and give her a victory by forcing me to alter my life. You CAN mess up a Google search though. For example, creating a fake Twitter or Facebook page with your real name, but posting photos of someone else. My problem is that I was too consistent at the start, always using the same names and monikers on all sites. At one point my moniker on this board was the same name I use on public boards, and I noticed some of the posts showing up in search, so I changed it to "JustKathy." And for anyone reading, DO be aware that posts in this group show up in Google search, so NEVER use your real name.

[BonesMS]

It's the nature of the Internet. I could live in a bubble, use aliases, and hide from the world, but that would only make me miserable and give her a victory by forcing me to alter my life. You CAN mess up a Google search though. For example, creating a fake Twitter or Facebook page with your real name, but posting photos of someone else. My problem is that I was too consistent at the start, always using the same names and monikers on all sites. At one point my moniker on this board was the same name I use on public boards, and I noticed some of the posts showing up in search, so I changed it to "JustKathy." And for anyone reading, DO be aware that posts in this group show up in Google search, so NEVER use your real name.

Thanks, Kathy!

I recall that, at one time, I could search Google for my own address and then remove it so that no one else could Google it.  I'll have to double-check that to see if I'm remembering that correctly or mis-remembering it.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Well, my FOO is pretty computer illiterate... but I absolutely appreciate the warning, nevertheless!! (There are others out there, that I should fear more than I do...)

I use my real name here - at least part of it - because I know I can't "hide" myself and my real feelings and my differing view of my past family life -- forever. At some point, I feel I have to "come clean"... and if my FOO-members can't handle the truth -- OH WELL. I'm the one that has to live with myself... and I absolutely no longer can stand feeling guilty, when it's someone else who's being difficult, manipulative, playing games or trying to push their denial of reality (and their own behavior/decisions) into a lack of trust, or accountability or blame/fault... making it MY responsibility for their issues/problems/refusal to cooperate -- or heal themselves.

It still comes up; just dealt with this again last week, with my brother. He tried to turn a finalized joint decision into an argument and point of contention and wasn't quite admitting that he HAD agreed... and we HAD discussed it ad infinitum (about 10 months, in fact)... and only now had cold feet and wanted to blame me for "pulling a fast one" -- again -- sigh. I didn't let him get away with it... but neither did I let it escalate. And then I felt guilty for two days... because I wasn't able to "make it all better" - because of how he is. It's not my fault he can't remember, doesn't take notes, refuses and balks at having to do anything in writing... and I'm no longer volunteering to take the blame. If that bothers him, you'd never know it! LOL....