Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Knew this would happen. Really need advice...
KayZee:
Oh, P.R. Thank you! I don't know how you always manage to be filled with such compassion and so much good, strong strategy...
Two letters is brilliant!
And you are right about D.H. It's a horrible situation to be in, especially for normal guy from a supportive, good-enough family. He has no experience with these depths of dysfunction. And it's not his job to rescue me anyway. I think my mistake was: I was looking for him for affirmation ("this is messed up, right?") when I really should have taken a time-out, alone and worked on a spur-of-the-moment version of letter #1. I knew it was messed-up. I felt it. And yet, somehow that didn't seem like enough. I felt unsure of myself. And probably a little co-dependent.
Such good advice too about writing letter #2 in language my three-year-old would understand. Actually, my three year old has more emotional intelligence than NM! I might have to write it in language my 15-month-year-old would understand: basically, just No. No. No.
so much love and thank you!!! Kay x
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on September 25, 2012, 10:11:22 AM ---Thank you Bones!
I admire your bluntness. And I wish I could do it! I've spent the past two days mentally telling off NM in my head. But whenever I've gone there in real life with NM, I tend to get emotional and angry. And of course, NM just uses that as ammunition, makes me look like I'm the irrational, "crazy," difficult family member.
Agh! At any rate, thanks for listening and the encouraging words!
Kay x
--- End quote ---
((((((((((((((((((((((((Kay)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bones
KayZee:
Thank you Hops!!
Seriously, that letter is like Cliff's Notes! And I am totally going to use it as a jumping off point in what P.R. would call my letter #2. If you ever lead an assertiveness course, you should it plus a few others (a letter for the co-worker, for the friend, for the significant other) into a workbook and publish it! I haven't done it in years, but I find it really helpful to start with a script and practice it. That's what therapy (when I could afford it) mostly was for me--a constant dress-rehearsal for confrontations/self-assertions.
I think an assertiveness training class would do me well. I meant to go and hunt for one the last time you mentioned them. I feel I should be able to find one around here. I'm near Woodstock, NY... So there's lots of emotional wellness and personal growth stuff 'round here! We probably live more in the '60s and '70s than an average community!
At any rate, thank you deeply for the lifeline.
You all have shined so much light on a really dark place.
Kay x
KayZee:
Thank you again for all the help...
I just sent my email no. 2, having spent a lot of time on it and making sure it was firm and clear, but un-accusatory(?) and not emotionally wrought. I have serious feeling it will provoke N-rage regardless, but am doing my best to "assert and relax" without stressing out about the fallout. I feel much better, having stood up for myself and the best needs of DH and the kids. Thank you all so much for listening and lending advice. I hope I'm not back with any stalking/restraining order updates (only half joking)...
lots of love, Kay x
Twoapenny:
Whatever happens, Kay, you are doing the right thing and proceeding along the right lines. When things got so bad that I had to think about a restraining order my sol told me to write to her first and spell it out - no contact, direct, indirect, no bad mouthing me to people who know me, no sending shitty cards to my four year old son or getting my sister (and even my sister's kids, on one occasion) to write to me. That way if things do get really bad you have proof that you have calmly, politely asked her to respect your privacy and she has chosen to ignore you.
It's horrible. I think about my family a lot this time of year; my birthday is late summer - no family and then of course Christmas is fast on its heels and that's a time I really feel the lack of family, as many others do. Some friends of mine are getting married and are having huge stresses over who they can't invite; they've so many family and friends they're having to trim lists to fit people in. I've no-one. But I'd still rather have my health, my sanity and know my son isn't growing up with this craziness around him than put up with her bizarre behaviour so that I can avoid feeling like no-one loves me. It's tough, tough, tough but the situation can't go on as it is. You are doing the right thing.
Sending a big hug to you, a don't be crazy vibe to your mum and light and love to everyone else. Night night.
Tup xx
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