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Knew this would happen. Really need advice...

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KayZee:
Thank you so much Bones, P.R. and Hops,

I woke up this morning seething, feeling like my head was spinning and NM had worked her crazy-making magic on me again.  Like somehow she'd taken this one firm request (do not show up at my house uninvited) and morphed it into this treacherous list of "demands," fired back at me with numerous accusations that justified her behavior.  But I'm just gonna work through those feelings on my own, journal about it maybe.  Thanks for helping me keep a clear head and maintain some perspective.  It's so easy to get baited and sucked into her nightmare, and let her persuade me that I'm the one who is out of line.


--- Quote ---I know you're still looking for the other shoe to drop - so the only thing I saw brewing that might fit into that category is that she is going to use the kids and that all important "grandma card" -- as emotional blackmail. Lots of kids grow up without grandparents -- and turn out just fine because they had good parents. Don't put your kids into a tug of war situation. It's yucky.
--- End quote ---
 

Thank you so much P.R., for the reminder that it's ok to temporarily come between my kids and NM.  I feel a lot of guilt around that.  And NM's emotional blackmail doesn't help.  I'm with you...I fully expect her to bang on about her "grandparent's rights" until the bitter end.  I can even see her trying to take me to court.  She's initiated the same battle with my ex-brother-in-law too; and each time it's just as weird because no one has ever officially "cut her off" or forbid her from seeing the kids..she just doesn't seem to get that they are real people and our kids not hers.  But the fact remains, she has no fundamental right to see them here in the state of New York.  And she certainly is not entitled to the "unsupervised" visits she suspiciously insists upon (especially when the last time I left NM with my then two-year-old daughter, NM LOST her and left her in serious danger). 

Don't quite know where I'd be without you all to talk to.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Kay x

KayZee:
It continues...

Kay,

I have read many 'words' in your reply but everything you have said stems from (1) unannounced visit.  Or am I missing something here?  Have I crossed the line before and been unaware?

I observe your demeanor towards me as always being angry.  It's body language - even when I'm invited - you are aloof.  Maybe you are not aware, but it is quite obvious to me and others.  If we need to discuss what kind of relationship we are aiming towards - that's a red flag right there!  I would like a loving relationship where we laugh, talk, and enjoy each other's company.  But, at this time, it is very clear to me that any relationship going forward will be mandated by you.  As I stated in my previous email, that's fine with me.  I will not allow you to use my noncompliance as a means of discontinuing our relationship!

NM



My reply...I just don't have the time and energy for this.  These head trips take days to recover from.  It's bad enough that she dumps all her feelings onto me, but then she tries to persuade me that all these nameless other people think I'm horrible too.

Exactly.  I have been trying to address your unannounced visit.  Period.  Nothing more.  You can say I've made "demands," but I've only asked one thing: that you please do not show up here unannounced.

Someone else might say "sorry" or "okay, I understand," but you're firing back with blanket accusations that you feel justify the behavior (the unannounced visit) that I've rightly told you makes me uncomfortable.

Please do not project your anger, emotions or inner conflicts onto me.  I do not feel anger toward you.  I do not expect you to be anything other than what you are.  Please do not drag other people into our conversations nor try to tell me what an unnamed army of "others" think and feel about me; please do not triangulate, inserting yourself into a relationship that I have with other people or inserting them into whatever you are trying to say to me.  I have not: raised my voice at you, called you names, blamed you for anything or done anything else that could be construed as angry or aggressive.

I don't think there's anything abnormal, unhealthy or "red flag" about asking what you feel you're not getting from me, especially when you've expressed unhappiness about our relationship.  To me, this is called emotional intimacy and the first step to compromise.

To be honest, I'm under a deadline and need a bit of a hiatus from this conversation.  I will be in touch if there is anything--an emergency for instance--that you need to know about, and I encourage you to do the same.  But, barring that, I need a break.  I'll be in touch closer to the holidays.

Kay x

Hopalong:
...and because I think email is a prime weapoN, I'd like to make a wild suggestion.

You could (if it felt right to you) send a brief PS --

Mom, as I plan to take a break from this conversation for now, I won't be reading emails. I will be in touch closer to the holidays.

She does have a controlling, threatening tone. "I will not allow you to use my noncompliance..." -- my ass.

Hops

KayZee:
That's a very good idea!  Thank you so much, Hops. 

God, I didn't even pick up on that "will not allow you" bit (though her overall aggressive, "I-own-you" vibe always reaches me loud and clear).  I really hope this works and I can fend her off, take a break!

lots of love & gratitude, Kay x

sKePTiKal:
I read it and let it sit overnight, Kay.

But my first reaction remains -- the longer you DO engage with her, the more opportunity for her to BE aggressive and threatening. You've defined your limits, your boundaries - even offered her a bone, that IF she's serious about repairing the relationship it's a start, but it can't happen right now...

you've got to stop replying, do not respond, and if necessary for you to shift your focus back to your family and YOU... don't even look at her messages.

Don't put a timeline on it. See how you feel after a week. Two weeks. Two months. Moms really shouldn't be looking over our shoulders and running around nagging us about anything -- when we're independent adults. Time for HER to let go, you know?

You control the degree to which she must let go. How she feels about it -- is her responsibility and concern -- and it's healthy N to put your family, and even your feelings before hers. She doesn't doesn't get a say, this time.

Yes, it's work. But truly - it's not hard. Stay engaged with you, your family, your life. That's all positive and will drain some of the yuckies away.

((((((Kay))))))

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