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Knew this would happen. Really need advice...

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Hopalong:
(((KZ)))

I'm sure you already thought it through but if you liked the suggestion,
Step 2 to make it work is to Block Her Email after sending it.

(You can always Unblock it near the holidays or whenever YOU are ready.)

xo
Hops

KayZee:
Thank you P.R.,

Can't tell you how much I needed to read this right now.  The yucks are so yuckie... 

Of course, because I put the foot down with NM and cut off the conversation, Dad stepped up and sent me a disgusting message on her behalf.  Of course, it's just an echo of NM's message, all the same words used, except then he goes on to numerate "all the times" (like two) when he's been nice to me or supported me.  Which made me feel like, oh right, so everything nice you do for me has strings too...and you'll use them later as justification for violating me.  I'm even more upset when enabling Co-N D gets involved; somehow it hurts worse than NM.

Anyway, thank you for the advice, for giving me permission to just not read them.  I find myself so upset after each one that I really can't concentrate on my kids or my deadlines...I still feel like they're winning.

So no more reading.  No more engaging.  This has to stop.

Thank you for your help...feel like I'm losing my mind.
Kay x

KayZee:
Thanks Hops,

I just blocked their email (after I sent the below message to my father's reply).  I think I'm going to go onto my cellphone and temporarily block their numbers too...

Hi Kay

I apologize for the delayed response, but X's wedding and the subsequent catch up effort with work took their toll. The delay also gave me time to ruminate about your email, and I have to say that I was absolutely stunned by its tone.  First of all, there is nothing abnormal about parents dropping in for a surprise visit to see their daughter and grandkids.  I was pretty much denied that pleasure when you and Nikki were young, due to the early death of both my parents. Additionally both Mom and I thought that, by restricting our visit to less than two hours, we were being considerate of both your and DH's time.

What I find distressing is that nobody displayed any annoyance at the time of our visit.  Since it is now obvious that you were rattled by our presence, I wish that you had just raised the issue when we were there so that we could have discussed it and dealt with it.

I know that our relationship has been strained as of late, and I can’t fathom what transgression it is that we might have committed to justify this arm’s length relationship.  I can only assure you that it wasn’t intentional.  We’ve always been there to support you with both physical and emotional issues. Kay, we were there to care for your daughter during the birth of of your son. We were there to help with all of your moves, including the one into your current home. And, I certainly did my best to support you during your tumultuous time during X.

I can appreciate the fact that you are dealing with pressures of deadlines.  But believe me when I tell you that everyone we love is suffering from enormous physical, emotional, and economic stress. We just need to acknowledge it, support each other, and try our best to repair any damage along the way. That’s the way families are supposed to function.  I’m just saddened and disheartened by being reduced to using email in that attempt.

Dad

My response...I'm really done:

Hi Dad,

Thanks for writing...

I sent you an email because--after weeks of telling Mom by phone and text that this is not a good time for us and we will arrange a time to meet up once we've met our deadlines and commitments--I felt the need to put it in writing: we do not want unannounced visits.  A surprise, when someone has been repeatedly told "not right now," is more like an ambush.  It's more like bulldozing.  There's nothing "arm's length" about asking you to please not show up at our house without clearing it with me first.

I didn't want to "talk it out" while you were here.  All that would have accomplished was having this exact same conversation, experiencing the same lack of empathy and broad-stroke personal attacks....only not by email, in front of my children.  And I'm unwilling to expose my kids or husband to my mother's rage.  I'd like to think we could have discussed and dealt with it--like you said--but I think you know as well as I do that those kinds of discussions don't happen in our family.  If I come to you hoping to address a very specific problem, Mom attacks me in a general way and you support her like a henchman.  Which is fine.  You're her partner and you have to live there.

It makes me really sad that you lost your parents so young.  And I totally feel for you, wishing they could come visit and be involved in your life as a young dad.

I thank you very much for helping with DD while DS was born, and for helping with my moves and my tough time in X.  I've appreciated them very much.  But the fact that you bring them up now, makes them feel like you're trying to emotionally blackmail me--to say that because you've done that, you have some entitlement to drop in whenever you like, regardless of our time, commitments or level of comfort.  I'm sorry if I put you out in any of those situations.

lots of love and take care,
Koren x

sKePTiKal:
They thrive on your distress.

Hard to believe - amazingly sad to thing to believe humans, especially parents - could be that way. They can.
Distress goes down, when you're not having to watch each & every violation (repeatedly) of boundaries... or wrack your brain for ways to try to express yourself in a way that they'll finally understand... finally accept that they've hurt you... finally apologize and treat you as an adult human being.

When distress goes down - sometimes, there's a sense of "loss". You'd think it would be relief instead - and there is some of that. But just like some folks get accustomed to the caffiene-fueled level of adrenalin - of always being on the go and bursting with energy... some become habituated to this kind of distress:

so much so, that it begins to substitute for what a real relationship is. We're very loathe to give that up... it's like a "last straw" of hope or something. But it's precisely this, that is required in "the game" -- for it to continue.

Without someone to distress - or at least, without you to distress - they'll go on to another "target", eventually. Accept that you will be bad-mouthed for a few weeks, until the next "outrage" in their life comes along. (Actually, I found that accepting this gave me the emotional "space" for some basic confidence in my own judgement, perception to grow... a positive "side-effect", if you will.)

You are guaranteed entitled to take a "time out" in the game -- for as long as you need or want.
Those time-outs can provide you with your answers and revelations about "what's next".

You must be at least 7 or 8 months along now, right? You're starting to tire more easily? PLEASE - do yourself and this child a favor - and take a time out for a couple of months! Your distress - and adrenalin levels - are perceptible, I believe by the bambino. You are, after all, his or her environment right?

Time-out for both of you, then.

KayZee:
Gosh, yes...I'm exactly two months from my due date.  Much too pregnant to be stressing the poor baby bump out.  Couldn't sleep a wink last night.  Following Dad's email, I was all grief, stress and raging heartburn.

Thank you so much, P.R. for talking it through with me.  And for giving me the permission (or helping me give myself the permission) to walk away.  I had the same realization at 2 a.m. last night: the bullying, the gossiping, the gaslighting, the boundary-stomping won't stop, not ever unless I break the cycle.  And the only way I can do that is by ending contact.  They will find themselves another scapegoat once I go away because they are incapable of living without one.  All their childhood baggage and bad feelings have to go somewhere.  But it won't be flung at me, not anymore.

I've totally played my part in this family game.  Because I had some kind of Stockholm Syndrome, confused pain with love, felt like having a dysfunctional abusive family was better than having no family at all.  But it's not better.  It's much much worse.  And all this crap is causing additional stress to my marriage, making it difficult for me to concentrate when I'm with my kids, and absolutely zapping me of any creative energy or ability to work.

So here I am...Line drawn.  Emails and phone numbers blocked.  Still a little bit worried they will escalate it further, but I think (hope) in a few days time, I'll be back to feeling calm, safe, and ready to focus (for the first time in a long time) on my recovery, my work, my real family (DH and the kids) and me.

((((P.R.))))
huge hugs of gratitude,
Kay x

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