Not sure what to put for a title!

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

I wasn't really sure what to call this, I'm just a bit miffed and needed to vent

Christmas is coming.  A difficult time of year for so many.  Fortunately, for us, life is better these days so I no longer dread Christmas the way I used to, but it still rings a few bells and I'm very mindful of others who are not so fortunate.

I have an older step-brother, who has learning difficulties.  His mum passed away about eighteen months ago and I have tried to help him out where I can.  He is lonely, and people take advantage of him.  He is quite difficult company at times, he can be very negative (family trait!) and it's very difficult to get him to see things in a different way, or try something new.  He lacks confidence and, as my son is disabled, I find I am quite drained when it comes to dealing with other people, but I feel sorry for him so I see him when I can and try and help him out if possible.

I have been invited to a friend's for Christmas dinner, which I am really excited about.  I was worried that step-brother would be on his own, though, so I've offered to cook him a Christmas lunch before I go to my friends and then invite him for the evening if he doesn't have anywhere else he'd rather be.

This is where it gets complicated!  My nephew is currently living with my step-brother.  His mum - my step sister - is living in a tiny flat with her new chap, having just gone through a very unpleasant divorce.  She has three grown up kids, including the nephew, and three grandchildren.  I didn't want to invite my step-brother if it meant my nephew would be on his own, and I didn't want to invite that nephew and not the other one as I know what it's like when you get left out of things!  So my thought was to speak to my sister and ask her if she wanted to do lunch at mine on Christmas Day.  Even though we will be going out, it won't be until the afternoon and I have a lot more space, so I was going to ask if she wanted everyone round at mine, I'd help with the lunch and then go to my friends for my own lunch.

As I'm writing this I'm shaking my head, why do I do all of this?  I know how it will pan out

I spoke to my sister this afternoon, assuming she hadn't arranged anything for Christmas as she hasn't mentioned anything.  It's all arranged, everyone's going to her, apart from the step-brother who's being left alone, and myself and my son aren't invited either.

I'm not massively annoyed, just a bit irritated that there are still quite a lot of people that I think of who don't think about me.  She doesn't know we've been invited out anywhere so as far as she's aware we're on our own at Christmas.  It's not a huge deal, it's more the fact she hasn't even mentioned it rather than the fact we aren't invited, and more the fact that I was making plans in my head to make sure everyone was happy and not alone when those concerned were not feeling the same about me.

Grrr.  No biggie.  Just needed to vent and off load.  Thank you for listening   Love Tupp xx

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Tupp

I sure don't have any answers.

When I was little we spent Xmas with Dad's side of the famiy and New Years with Mom's side of the family. All cut and dried.

Things changed when we girls had boyfriends and weren't with the rest of the family, then marriage and our own children/in-laws and the crowd becomes larger, then divorce and the crowd becomes smaller and I was beginning to hate the holidays with a passion.

One year I had 4 invitatiions and was so confused when I had turned them down, as I wanted just a Xmas alone with my D, about 10. Then they all called and wondered where I was.

FFwd to now. It has been since Xmas 2003 that I have not celebrated a Holiday and I am fine with it.

Karla, my therapist is my best friend and her place is totally off limits for accessibility and she understnads that I don't care to go and she likely would not care to be fussing over it, so we have our own dinner out on another day, whenever a time comes to celebrate: just she and I, not even her husband, and I am fine with that.

......and when my mess is all over and we celebrate with a BIG party, it will still be just she and I at a favourite place to enjoy!

It will work out for you somehow!

Iz

[lighter]

Tupp:

It's obvious that you care more about other people than you do yourself.  That's amazing, and uplifting, but it's also a vulnerable place to live when the people around you care more about their selfish needs than anyone else.

It sounds like you knew instinctively you would be having that Christmas lunch with your older stepbrother to me. 

Your sister isn't going to change her spots at this point, and it's very sad she didn't invite the step brother, her son lives with, or you and your child. 

She's broken, and she can't do any better, I'm afraid.

What might help is letting her know exactly how you feel.....

share your fears, your vulnerability, the pain being left out without any thought has brought you over the years.........

that you forgive her, and you're going to change your expectations going forward to avoid dissapointment.

I'm so glad you've been invited to a lovely celebration dinner at a trusted friend's home...... that friend is likely becoming part of your chosen family. 

You need to create a new family for yourself, as sad as that is, and let the others go, IMO.

They aren't going to change, and you deserve to be with people who are as careful with others as you are..... reciprocal care, gratitude, and trusting only those who deserve your trust, Tupp.

Go ahead and have that Christmas lunch for your step brother.... how kind of you, and your soul needs him to have that in order for you to be OK.  You're a rare being who needs others to be OK, so you can be OK too............ so rare.

Enjoy that Christmas feast with the people you love, and who love you back..... that's what you want to model for your darling son. 

Whether you have that chat with your sister, send a letter, or just let her go without a word, or don't let her go.........

that will probably take some journaling, but I think speaking your authentic piece would go a long way in dispelling the annoying feelings/anger/sadness you feel from being left out yet again. 

I also think she deserves to hear your truth.

((((Tup and son)))  You're so kind, and dear. 

How could they not love you?

Because they're broken, and they can't do any better, that's how.

It will be ok.... keep building your chosen family, and modeling something better for your son.

Lighter

[KayZee]

((((Tup)))))

Lighter gives such good advice.  What your sister did was truly hurtful, and you have every right to feel upset about it.  You're a warm, wonderful, compassionate person and anyone in their right mind would give you a place at the head of their holiday table! 

But Lighter is right, sister is not in her right mind (none of our FOOs are) and they're not capable of acknowledging feelings (their own or others'), acting considerately or being decent.  In addition, the holidays seem to bring out the worst in them.  N-families are grinches in disguise!  Maybe they're not even aware of how destructive they are, but there seems to be some compulsion to ruin the holidays for everyone.

I'd grieve this betrayal on your own.  Feel it, journal about it, and then do something really nice for yourself--something that will make the day really special for you and step brother & son.  It could just be planning a new dish, something experimental or something you'd never consider bringing to your sister's xmas feast.  Or it could be planning a Christmas walk you and your gang could do together. 

I wouldn't expect sis to be able to acknowledge your feelings of hurt.  It's way more important that you acknowledge them to yourself and then reclaim the holidays as your own!  Try to look at it as a chance to celebrate in a new way.  In YOUR own, distinct way.

My T always used to say I went into situations considering whether other people liked me, instead of considering whether I even liked them.  Maybe instead of considering whether your sis wants to spend the holidays with you, consider whether you really want to spend it with her.  The answer might be surprising, even liberating!  And it will free you up emotionally so you can begin to decide what YOU want your Christmas to look like.  New routines can be frightening at first, but they can also be really exciting.

sending lots of love your way, Kay x

[teartracks]

Hi Twoapenny,

I think you're on top of this one.  So well thought out.  I think the same as lighter, sometimes changing our expectations of the irregular people in our life is the most sensible thing to do.  If you can forgive them too, the scenario gets even better.

tt

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp

I sure don't have any answers.

When I was little we spent Xmas with Dad's side of the famiy and New Years with Mom's side of the family. All cut and dried.

Things changed when we girls had boyfriends and weren't with the rest of the family, then marriage and our own children/in-laws and the crowd becomes larger, then divorce and the crowd becomes smaller and I was beginning to hate the holidays with a passion.

One year I had 4 invitatiions and was so confused when I had turned them down, as I wanted just a Xmas alone with my D, about 10. Then they all called and wondered where I was.

FFwd to now. It has been since Xmas 2003 that I have not celebrated a Holiday and I am fine with it.

Karla, my therapist is my best friend and her place is totally off limits for accessibility and she understnads that I don't care to go and she likely would not care to be fussing over it, so we have our own dinner out on another day, whenever a time comes to celebrate: just she and I, not even her husband, and I am fine with that.

......and when my mess is all over and we celebrate with a BIG party, it will still be just she and I at a favourite place to enjoy!

It will work out for you somehow!

Iz

Thank you, Izzy.  I am glad you've got to a point where you are content with your holiday plans.  They put a lot of pressure on us, don't they?  Seems a bit of a silly tradition when it makes so many people unhappy and alone.  Your Karla sounds like an angel   I hope your situation is sorted out soon and you and Karla paint the town red.  Soon, hopefully!   Thank you.

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, thank you, as always, for your kind words.  You are right, I do put myself in this position over and over.  The positives are that I tend to recognise it more now, and more quickly.  It's funny how difficult we can all be, some thinking of others too much and some not enough.  I think it triggered some things that have moved around in my head for a while.  I seem to attract people into my life who are very, very close to me and then vanish when their lives improve.  I've had a number of situations now where I've thought I was good friends with someone and then discovered I was filling a gap for them and was discarded once no longer needed (and we all know where that started!).  But it's good to have the perspective and to be able to see it a little better from outside of the situation.

The friends who have invited us for lunch are like a surrogate family for me; I am certainly closer to them than my own family.  They're lovely people, all a bit mad (in a nice way, they're good fun), very generous and very understanding of my son's special needs.  It will be a lovely afternoon at theirs and you are right, I wouldn't be happy if I knew my step-brother was on his own all day.  Time to start waving bye bye to some people and putting myself first.  It's like ripping off plasters!  Thank you for your love and understanding.  Tupp.

PS Are you still walking on cloud nine because YOU WON?!   I still smile whenever I think of it xx

Kay, thank you too, for your kindness and good advice.  I couldn't reply for a while after reading your post because the bit you said at the end about considering whether I wanted to spend Christmas with my sister really hit home.  I thought about it through the afternoon and do you know what, I don't?  If I'm totally honest and put other people's feelings aside for now I really don't.  It was a bit of a shock to me, to be honest.  How funny that we don't see these things until someone else points them out.  Thank you for your honesty and your support.  Tupp.

Tear Tracks, thank you.  Yes, different expectations and forgiveness.  I'm getting there.  The path is clearing for a brighter future and all that!  Thank you xx

[lighter]

Lighter,
PS Are you still walking on cloud nine because YOU WON?!   I still smile whenever I think of it xx

I am walking on cloud 9, and I am a very happy camper, Tupp: )

And guess what!?!? The Judge's office phoned my attorney yesterday and gave us a date to have our legal fees ready for consideration when she rules on awarding legal fees!  WHOO HOO!  I was afraid her final order excluded fees, but I was happy anyway!  Hey, it feels so good to feel so light, and normal again!  YA! 

Here's to standing up to the PD bullies, doing the work to document their abusive conduct, and holding them accountable for their terrible deeds....

 ::raising coffee mug::....

Sometimes the simple act of advocating for ourselves is a balm.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter,
PS Are you still walking on cloud nine because YOU WON?!   I still smile whenever I think of it xx

I am walking on cloud 9, and I am a very happy camper, Tupp: )

And guess what!?!? The Judge's office phoned my attorney yesterday and gave us a date to have our legal fees ready for consideration when she rules on awarding legal fees!  WHOO HOO!  I was afraid her final order excluded fees, but I was happy anyway!  Hey, it feels so good to feel so light, and normal again!  YA! 

Here's to standing up to the PD bullies, doing the work to document their abusive conduct, and holding them accountable for their terrible deeds....

 ::raising coffee mug::....

Sometimes the simple act of advocating for ourselves is a balm.

Lighter

Ah Lighter, I am so happy for you and your girls   Having someone back you up officially like that is worth its weight in gold, but knowing you might get some of your money as well is the icing on the cake.  I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you xx

[Twoapenny]

And following on from Lighter's comment about advocating for ourselves being a balm - today I practised being assertive - no more overly nice Twoapenny!

My sister arrived, unannounced and upset over something that had happened earlier in the day.  I only see her when she's upset about something.  Several things strike me - one, that she never calls to check it's okay to come round first, two, that I don't see her unless something bad has happened and three, that the reason I never see her is because she's always doing stuff with her partner and grown up kids which is, of course, absolutely fine, but why does she come to me when she's upset and not them?

I didn't try and comfort her, I just said I was sure it would be fine and get sorted, I didn't offer her anything to eat (I normally feel like I need to feed people, I don't know why), her brother was there at the time (the one the Christmas hoo ha has been about) and she didn't want to talk to him, normally I laugh and joke and fill in the gaps to make everyone feel better but I didn't and just let the awkward silences grow.  I carried on with what I was doing anyway, made it clear we were going out and they both left after about half an hour.  I didn't feel guilty - in fact I felt quite pleased with myself.

I don't mind listening to people's problems or helping people out but I am realising that there are a lot of one way streets in my relationships and they're not heading in my direction!

[BonesMS]

And following on from Lighter's comment about advocating for ourselves being a balm - today I practised being assertive - no more overly nice Twoapenny!

My sister arrived, unannounced and upset over something that had happened earlier in the day.  I only see her when she's upset about something.  Several things strike me - one, that she never calls to check it's okay to come round first, two, that I don't see her unless something bad has happened and three, that the reason I never see her is because she's always doing stuff with her partner and grown up kids which is, of course, absolutely fine, but why does she come to me when she's upset and not them?

I didn't try and comfort her, I just said I was sure it would be fine and get sorted, I didn't offer her anything to eat (I normally feel like I need to feed people, I don't know why), her brother was there at the time (the one the Christmas hoo ha has been about) and she didn't want to talk to him, normally I laugh and joke and fill in the gaps to make everyone feel better but I didn't and just let the awkward silences grow.  I carried on with what I was doing anyway, made it clear we were going out and they both left after about half an hour.  I didn't feel guilty - in fact I felt quite pleased with myself.

I don't mind listening to people's problems or helping people out but I am realising that there are a lot of one way streets in my relationships and they're not heading in my direction!

Hear!!  Hear!!!

[lighter]

Tupp:

It's nice to see you put yourself first.

Something to practice feeling empowered by, while resisiting the knee jerk barrage of guilt you're expected to feel.

It sounds like your sister uses you for a dumping ground when she's feeling negative, and that you've traditionally been a safe place to dump, receive care, mommy food and comfort whenever she chooses to use you.  She probably doesn't even know she's doing this, but you can stop it, or even better, let her know you're stopping it, how it makes you fee, and why.

Frankly, I think you need to speak your authentic truth, even if the listener refuses to hear.......

at least you heard yourself speak it and felt you were worthy of having that voice, kwim?

Also, your son will learn when you're able to model being open, honest and truly present in a relationship (((Tup, and son.)))

Lighter 

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Bonesie xx

Lighter, I think you're right.  It's not just my sister either, quite a few of my friends - in fact the majority of them - pick me up and put me down whenever they feel like it.  I need to start being honest with people about how it makes me feel.

I find it quite difficult.  I had to go out for the day today because I felt so angry that if my sister had turned up again I'd have let rip, and I don't want to do that.  She sent me a text saying she hoped she hadn't upset me and she was sorry if she had.  I haven't replied yet, I've been thinking things through.  I'm thinking perhaps text is the best way to deal with it.  A letter seems too formal and if we do it face to face she will cry and I find that hard to cope with.  So a simple text message, non confrontational, simple, open - this is how I feel at the moment, x, y and z and just leave it open - no demands, no insistence, just I can't do these things any more - plain, honest, simple.  It's feeling at the minute like the best way to deal with it.  What do you guys think?

[Twoapenny]

Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud, maybe something along the lines of "I feel that there are some people in my life now that I only see or hear from if they are upset or have a problem.  It would be nice to see xxxxxx when you are happy and in a good place and not just when you are feeling bad and things are going wrong.  I am very busy all day, every day with (my son) and it isn't fair on him or me for people to just turn up, it interupts the work I am doing with him and stops me from getting things done, and I need to get things done in order to cope and manage on my own.  It would be much easier for everyone to call and arrange convenient times instead of turning up unannounced."

Just drafting, but maybe something like that?  I also think I should say that I do think she ought to do something with her brother over Christmas, even if it's just half an hour for a coffee.  I don't think it's a lot to ask of someone and it would mean a lot to him (and it frustrates me that his own family can't be bothered and are happy to let me sort it out knowing that I just don't have it in me to leave him by himself all over the holiday).  So perhaps I need to include a sentence suggesting that as well.

Thanks for letting me vent/off load, it helps to get it on screen and out of my over worked head

[lighter]

Tupp:

You're gifting your friends and family a part of yourself when you're authentic and share your fears, and hurt with them.

You can provide an opportunity for understanding and better communication.

You can listen to their response and make informed adult decisions about where you really want to file that person in your life based on facts, and not fear.

IF you decide to put healthy boundaries in place surrounding visitors, it doesn 't have to be viewed an an act of aggession.... it can be a simple request with consequences stated rationally.  Nothing personal, no anger, no blaming, just you taking care of your own needs appropriately which can feel so wrong or bad if you don't know what boundaries are or feel you're worthy of them.

Time to start practicing.  It gets easier my dearL: )  I like writing things like that out too, and the reader can go back and re read as needed without any unintended inflections getting in the way, kwim? 

Heck, I think a letter is fine, not too formal at all.  (besides I peck out texts v e r r r r y  s l o w w w ly; ) Not to mention editing is a PITA.

Love,
Lighter