My mum is ill

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

Just wanting to share and thank you for giving me a place to do that

I've had a letter from my aunt (my mum's sister) telling me my mum has serious health problems.  She feels the 'situation' between me and my mum may be contributing to it and wants me to make peace with her.

I am fully aware that my mum has spouted all sorts of nonsense about me to people over the years regarding the reasons for us not being in contact.  I know that none of them will know the truth and that she does a good victim routine, with lots of talk about how devastated she is and how much she loves us.  I am also fully aware that the entire family know her husband abused me and they all turned a blind eye.

I have found myself feeling increasingly happy through the day at the thought that her illness might be serious and she might die.  It made me realise how much damage she has done and how scared I have still been of further false accusations and the harm they can do/have done to my son.  I've found myself imagining hearing that she's passed and the sense of relief I feel is huge.  I've tried imagining the same scenario with a friend's mum and it made me feel really sad (I wanted to check I can feel and that I'm not just turning into a heartless person who cares about no-one).

I am 99% sure that if I offer to meet with my mum she will say no.  In all these years she's never once contacted me or got in touch to do anything other than write nasty letters or harass my boy.

I am willing to write to my mum, wish her well and offer to meet with her.  If she does say yes - which I doubt - I am willing to meet her for coffee somewhere.

The thing that has struck me most is that she doesn't feel like my mum at all.  She just feels like a lady I used to know who did bad things and who I escaped from.  I don't feel scared or worried about meeting up with her.  I feel I could chat for an hour about nothing in particular, like you would a stranger on a bus or something like that.  There was a time - not long ago really - when a letter like this would have sent me into a spin for days and brought up all sorts of issues and created all sorts of problems for me.  Now it just feels like a neighbour asking me to do them a favour.

I'm hoping this shows healing on my part.  I don't wish my mum any harm, but she isn't part of my life and really, she never has been.  So I'm willing to contact her, say hope you feel better soon and offer to meet.  I feel confident that doing so won't entangle me in the web.  I just feel strong enough to keep my boundaries in place and not be affected by what they all think/feel/say about me.

I feel a little sad that she's got to a point in her life know where she might not have long left and yet she still hasn't done anything about her behaviour or the way she treats people.  But it's more a general observation, the way I feel when I read about people being lonely or their partners leaving them or something like that.  We don't really feel connected.

Anyway, I just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen.  Thank you for reading. 

Tup xx

[lighter]

Well, Tupp......

I can see two positive things coming from a meeting with your mum....

placating your Aunt, (should you feel there's anything to be gained by placating her, or any other misinformed likely traitorous family member who should have protected you from your SF, but failed,) and.......

a possible reconnaissance mission that positively identifies your mother's condition as imminently fatal in the very near future.....

ahh just writing that out lifted my spirits.

DUOH!  Did I really write that? 

Why yes.

Yes, I think I did.

And I think you're perfectly normal for feeling happiness at being out from under the threat and trauma of your mum's egregious sabotage, and the harm done to you and your boy.  I think anyone who's suffered what you have would feel some amount of relief and happiness at being out from under that threat, frankly.

Other than that, I see nothing positive to be gained by contacting your mum. 

Just my two cents ((((Tupp)))).

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

I agree with your two cents entirely!  I've sent two cards, one to my mum saying I hope she feels better soon and offering to meet, one to my aunt saying thanks for letting me know and I have written to mum.  I know she doesn't want to see or speak to me - she knows I won't keep my mouth shut and keep up the pretence that she needs to keep in her own mind.  They all know that.  In all honesty I've only offered to do it because I know she won't.  The health problems could be serious and I'm suprised it's taken this long for the drinking to catch up with her.  It's a funny way to have a family    My friend's mum is turning 60 next month (these are the friends that invited us up for Christmas).  She's having a big party, we're invited, everyone's looking forward to it.  It's funny how you can feel so differently about two people because one treats you well and the other badly.

Hope you and your girls are well

[lighter]

Hi Lighter,

It's funny how you can feel so differently about two people because one treats you well and the other badly.

Hope you and your girls are well

I think it's perfectly rational to feel positive things toward nurturing people, and negative things toward toxic, egregiously harmful people...... not funny at all, but a logical human response.

My girls are doing well, and very much enjoyed the holiday.  Thanks for asking ; )

Lighter

[Butterfly]

Hi, Tup.  Please take care.  When I read your post, a chill went through me.  I couldn't help but think about everything you and your son have been through because of her and others.  I am so glad you are feeling strong, though. 

Hugs,
Butterfly (with wings a flappin' ...)

[Twoapenny]

Hi again,

I think I've messed this up.  I've woken up this morning feeling completely different. I should have waited until I replied to that card.  Or ignored it.  Lesson learnt for the future.  Never mind.  Will try and forget all about it now.  Don't think anything will come of it anyway but will be more cautious in future.  Argh!

[teartracks]

Hi Twoapenny,

You know, upon rereading your original post, it is clear you didn't ask for advice.  So what did I do?  Spout unsolicited advice.   I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness.  I will try to be more aware of what my part, if any, is where future posts are concerned. 

Sincerely,

tt

[Twoapenny]

Hi Twoapenny,

You know, upon rereading your original post, it is clear you didn't ask for advice.  So what did I do?  Spout unsolicited advice.   I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness.  I will try to be more aware of what my part, if any, is where future posts are concerned. 

Sincerely,

tt

TT, absolutely no need to apologise, the thoughts, responses, advice of everyone on here is always helpful to me and in this case everyone has been spot on, I should have sat on this for a few days before responding.  I went with my instinct which was to leap to attention when my family tell me to.  I've resisted for a long time but something about this just made me jump.  I should have thought it through, talked it over, responded with my intellect, not my reflex.  It's a lesson learnt for the future.  If she wants to meet my answer will be no and they can slag me off and call me selfish, it's not like they haven't been doing it for years already.  What I've realised is I'm still incredibly angry with her; if we meet I will just be screaming and shouting at a 70 year old woman with heart problems.  That's not a situation I want to put myself into.

Please don't apologise, I welcome everyone's comments here and trust your opinions xx

[sKePTiKal]

I went with my instinct which was to leap to attention when my family tell me to.

Wow. This jumped off the page at me. First because it's rather subtle to "see" - and good on you for that. And secondly, I just went through this yesterday. My mom'll be having rather complicated surgery to remove several large kidney stones - she's 80 - next Friday. (And yes, I'm still sorting through all the stuff with my girls, too). So I was on the phone with Mom... when my brother called on the cell.

Long story short - the surgery conflicts with a track team trip and he's got to make a choice about which is more important to him. He wanted me to drive up - I'd have to do this alone; about 800 miles one way - just so he wouldn't have to make a decision.

I told him, I was sure he could pick which decision would make him feel the most comfortable... but that nope; I wasn't going to BE there.

And in some ways... I should've seen this happening in the situation with my girls, too. But my mom-reflex kicked in and yup! I just jumped into action before I thought it through. I took the bait to play out the old script.

I understand the anger you still might hold, Penny. There are just some "crimes against our souls" that just can't be wished away; like a lump of coal. Because I've stayed LC with my mom, even throughout my own healing process, my relationship with her has changed over time. Softened might be a good word. That wound I suffered is still there -- and it still dictates that I keep my distance, to do "right" by my own self -- but I've stopped expecting her to change; to do her part to heal my wound; and my inner little girl isn't demanding anymore that she do so. It's been a messy process -- and subject to the "broken record" that is my mother's personality mess... lots of the same old ground, over & over... her kind of implying I "fix" it for her... me knowing I can't - it'll never be good enough... and me just shrugging my shoulders and finally able to say: oh well. That doesn't make me a bad person - I can only do so much within the structure of the relationship that includes what SHE can do. I still cry over my MIL passing; I miss her. The other people - mom and MIL - are different people and the relationships were different sizes; there was a lot more room for feelings (for me) with MIL. No old wounds, maybe.

So, what "passes" for a relationship with my mom, even though it's a meager buffet and repetitive, is after all this time... the relationship; period. It is what it is. And within that - I make my own decisions about how I will act, I feel what I feel (and that's still a cluster; a ball of tangled yarn emotions), and it no longer occupies so much time or space in my life. I'm not afraid of future "regrets"... I trust myself, that I'm doing the right thing for me... and it matters a whole lot less to me, if anyone understands or likes my decisions. I explain it better than I used to. But no one can feel what I feel about - no one else lives with my particular lump of coal. The coal wears down; wears away over time. It's not the 16-ton weight it used to be.

I know that, as you process what you're feeling and think it through... you'll pick your right path with confidence. You're allowed to change your mind, too !! Up to a point, life does allow some do-overs...

You're still a very wise, warm, caring person as you've demonstrated to me over the years we've chatted back & forth. Thank you for your response on my thread. Big hugs!!!

Amber

[Hopalong]

Tupp, I can imagine the triggering you've been through over this.
No beating yourself up. Two steps forward and one back still equals forward.
(One of my brainless but to me helpful, little epiphanies.)

And TT, I'd like to thank you for the notion: Taking on the offenses of others.

That's really a helpful thing to think about.

love
Hops

[teartracks]

And TT, I'd like to thank you for the notion: Taking on the offenses of others.

Thanks Hops and you're welcome.  Every little tool helps, doesn't it?

Sincerely,
tt

[Twoapenny]

Urgh, I've really messed this up.  I've just had a text from my step-sister to say that my mum has written to her at her place of work.  I don't know what's in the letter as I can't get hold of my sister (she's not supposed to use her phone during a work day).  I've opened the can of worms again, what was I thinking?  There's no reason for my mum to write to my sister, she can write to me directly (if she wants to).  She's spent enough time driving past my house to know where I live.

Sorry, I will reply to the other posts as soon as I've calmed down a bit.  I'm really cross that I've done this to myself again.  I find it hard to be hard, if that makes sense?

I'm thinking just ignore the whole thing now?  Don't reply, don't respond, ignore any further letters from other relatives etc etc.  Just act like they don't exist.  What do you guys think?

[Twoapenny]

I'm just noticing my reactions to this.  There was sheer panic, bordering on terror, at the thought that I have upset people, not done the 'right' thing and enraged my mother.  I think this is the young me responding.  My job as a child was to keep everyone happy and there was hell to pay if I didn't.  I just couldn't handle it.  The house was so much easier if there was no conflict.  I think I'm going to take my son out somewhere for a few hours, a bit of self care for me now, little Penny who no-one cared about and my boy, who doesn't have to deal with this crap and I am so thankful for that!

I've started to calm down a little and from other text messages my step-sister has sent it looks as though the letter may be to my step-sister, about my step-sister.  When she texted me I assumed it was about me, because I sent that card offering to meet up.  That might not be the case.

I will need to talk to her later and think about that some more.  If she has contacted me because my mum has written to her about her I think I will be quite annoyed.  I feel like I am unable to cope with other people's problems and dilemmas now.  I just can't cope any more.  I've been feeling so ill for months.  I think it's stress, as all the tests the doctor is doing keep coming back negative.  Obviously it will be good if it isn't something physical - I don't want to be ill - but if it is stress and people keep ignoring my pleas not to contact me with their problems I don't quite know what I'm going to do about it.  I will think about it some more later.

Sorry for rambling on.  I wanted to get it written down because I tend to forget these intense feelings quite quickly and everything just goes numb.  Thank you xx

[JustKathy]

a possible reconnaissance mission that positively identifies your mother's condition as imminently fatal in the very near future.....

ahh just writing that out lifted my spirits.

DUOH!  Did I really write that?  

Okay, I had to repost Lighter's comment because it really hit home. I'm dealing with the same issue right now. In fact, another letter came yesterday from my father, guilting me all to heck, telling me how my mother's "cancer" (something still not verified) has gone to her brain and that she is in great pain and suffering. I guess this is where the mention of a "reconnaissance mission" grabbed my attention, because I am still not convinced that she is dying, or even has cancer for that matter.

Tup, I really understand the conflicted emotions that you're feeling at this time. When I was told that my mother was dying, my reactions jumped from feeling guilty for going NC, to wishing her a slow and painful death for 50 years of abuse and neglect. As children of Ns, we have been through SO much. A lifetime of emotional suffering that will not go away when they do. It will get better, for sure, but we are damaged goods, and they did that to us. I, too, have had stress-related medical problems, all because of torment from my FOO. I think, in the end, we have to take care of ourselves.

In my case, I do feel that the letters I've received from my father and sister telling me of NM's impending death were orchestrated by NM herself. I can tell by the wording of the letters, that they were most likely dictated. I am sure of one thing. She wants to see her daughter one last time, not because she's had a death bed epiphany and wants to apologize, but to stick it to me one more time. That way she can die happy. In fact, such a scene was perfectly portrayed on the series "Rescue Me." Maybe I can find the clip. They absolutely nailed it.

I realize this is a confusing mess for you, with multiple relatives involved. I would just say to do what is best for you and your son. Sometimes it IS hard to separate the young you from the adult you, and we start to feel that daughterly duty. In my case, I got fooled four years ago when I was first told that NM was on her death bed, which may have been the turning point for me, as I now simply don't care what becomes of her. I really believe that an N's death is their moment to shine. I'm sure that they actually hope for a long and drawn out illness that can be used for drama, attention, and to stick it to us one final time. Follow your instincts. If anything doesn't feel right, detaching yourself may be the best thing.

I wish you all the best with this. This is never an easy situation. Never.

Kathy

[Twoapenny]

Kathy, I'm so sorry you are still getting letters from your family as well, the whole situation just makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

I am completely with you on not knowing whether it is 'real' or not.  Years ago she wrote to me and basically intimated that she had cancer and it was very serious.  She didn't and it wasn't but it had me jumping to attention.  To be honest, given the fact that she's drunk herself into a coma on a regular basis for the last thirty years I'd be more suprised if she didn't have health problems, but I wouldn't put it past her to be laying it on with a trowel.

I feel like you, that I just want her dead, if only because it means there won't be any new things to deal with.  It's made me realise how much I hate her, although I'd convinced myself I was fine with the situation and I didn't have any bad feelings towards her anymore.

The letter she's written to my step-sister is mad, rambling, full of lies and done in her usual way of avoiding any real issue and waffling on about herself endlessly.  She is truly detached from reality.  I thought I'd got to a point where I could deal with the madness, if necessary, but it seems that isn't the case.  I'm extricating myself from the whole thing now.  It's difficult because the stuff she writes is so wide of the mark that it makes you want to write back and tell it straight, but that's just what she wants.  I think you are right, they want to see you once more just to be nasty one last time.  I won't give her the satisfaction.

I cannot bear to think that I might get like her when I am older.  I am so scared of turning into her and that kind of madness becoming my normal.  I hate to think of my son wanting me dead because it would make his life easier.

On a lighter note, we went out and had a nice couple of hours and he's got trampolining tonight so at least I won't be sitting at home twiddling my thumbs.  And the evenings are getting lighter now which always helps lift everybody's mood.  I've had a bit of a chat with my step-sister this afternoon and it's cleared the air a bit.  I think sometimes two very damaged people in a relationship can be a difficult thing to manage, even if you both want to.

Thank you.