Be kind to yourself, tigerlily. It is good to hear from you, no matter what. I think you are grieving. My NDad died in June, and I am still grappling with things. I had terrible nightmares and woke up in the night with anxiety, fear, and all sorts of things - so my family MD gave me some amytryptoline (sp?) to help with the anxiety. I only took a few, but they helped break free from whatever was causing that cycle. I still have moments, bad nights, and I think that the biggest part was grieving for the fact that now that he has died, my hopes of ever having that wonderful family have died with him - I'll never again have just one more chance of trying to please him - even though I know that a million chances still would not have been enough. I remember that you had a lovely service for your mother, so I hope you know that you should have no regrets, no guilt, and know that you did everything for her, beautifully and graciously.
It sounds to me, that you are going through the grieving process, and there doesn't seem to be a way to rush it, for it is such a personal process. You are probably both physically and emotionally drained. My NM was frustrated that I didn't get over NDad's death immediately, because she did (she is a N). She kept saying "Snap Out Of It!", but I had to do it in my own time, in my own way, just as you will be doing it in your own time, in your own way. I am still going through it, though each day is easier and lighter - and that is since June, so your grief is still fresh.
I have found this Board to be a lifesaver. I still have a NMom/Queen, so someday I will be walking down your path. Since I am their only child, and I think you are one as well, it will be a solitary but important journey. Thank you for continuing to share what is happening in your grieving process, for it is a huge help for those of us who will be following in your footsteps.
And remember that we are here, you are not alone.
Sincerely,
OnlyMe
