My brother and just life and stuff

[Meh]

This Sunday morning I could not sleep in. My roommate's woke me  up even though one of them is always bitching about noise at night and me waking up too early.

So today I discovered she is now doing group therapy out of the living room apparently. Listening to it as I walk by to the kitchen just makes me want to laugh cynically. This therapist who is full of shit herself. LOL  Kind of annoys me there is no real living room space here and the dining room is uncomfortable and doesn't get used it's a large table with greasy chairs and linens. Yah I am just bitching but I am just in a pissed off mood right now. Mainly because she pretty much says anything to get people's money and then changes the story later fucking bitch.

She uses a "therapist's voice"   it's like a game or something that adults play. It reminds of me children playing make believe.

Why did we ever start thinking therapy was real?

God I need some coffee. Well I got some java and I took a shower. At least I am kind of partly dressed.

I just haven't had enough time to myself recently or time to rejuvenate and it is really making me very very angry I feel like I am going to just start screaming at somebody.

Maybe I need to journal or something and now I have a headache going on. Like I just feel so frustrated and anxious that I can't even think to get my words out.

I have to talk to people all fucking day long AND I have to do chats with them....it's one of those stupid customer service jobs. The manager that was there yesterday is a complete douche bag and even burped right in my face in the past. The customer's should see that if they think THEY are not getting good customer service.

I don't want to do a job where people burp at me and I don't get benefits.

I don't want to have roommates at all any more. My last room mate was okay just one other person. BUT HERE people are always in the way. ALWAYS there is never a time where I have the place to myself EVER. I HATE IT. I HATE THAT THIS IS ALL I CAN AFFORD.

I am too fucking old for this. Half of my co-workers still live with their parents and that is how they can afford to work there. WHEN I started that job I was just like NO WAY is this going to be a long-term gig.

If I had participated in the section 8 low income housing that I qualified for before I WOULD HAVE MY OWN apartment and I would be like a welfare loser BUT I WOULD HAVE MY OWN FUCKING SPACE. I didn't go through all this shit in life to BE HERE.

I DIDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT IN LIFE TO BE HERE. Truly this statement is what is nagging at me right now.

I am going to take a Tylenol and go catch a fucking bus.

The city gets on my nerves too, smells like exhaust all the time, strip malls, people driving around in their fast cars, this is not really where I belong, this just isn't for me.

I feel hateful and I have to keep it all to myself. Pretend to be nice when I really fucking hate my stupid asshole roommates and my fucking employer. I have been working there 6-7 months and haven't saved diddly squat.

I was reading about the economic recovery after the big drop and that the jobs that were created are paying 50% less than the jobs that existed before IDK. I'm got some fucking co-worker that lives with her parents, she drives a Subaru and she talks about how much money she has in her savings account and crap and I just want to give the bitch a fucking concussion.

I'm sick of helping customers all fucking day long and having them demanding that I have to guarantee they will get something by Christmas when I have absolutely no control over it. I sit behind a computer and all I do is answer the phone and push buttons on my computer, I take payment that is the extent of my reach there. I Hate my job. There is this really obese woman that sits to the right of me and she makes weird comments about me dressing sexy for the managers there. But I never say anything about her. Like what can they all say weird shit all they want and I Can't say shit.

this curser is slow now WHAT THE  fUCK I ance even thyep a uckinfg sentence ---------

[Hopalong]

Ahhh, Boat. I'm sorry.

Sending you support...
breathe, breaaaaaaaathe...

It will ease.

You deserve some peace, and release.

Do you sing? Maybe a choir would be good.
Like ... the opposite of nerve-wracking interaction with people.
It cuts beneath the surface irritants and brings out something where
we all do connect.

Remember, you are an artist. And a gardener.
And it's winter.

And almost SOLSTICE, which means soon the light and sun
will be back.

What are the options to look for a different house, plan for that?

I'm so sorry this is such a frustrating and painful season.

Season is the word, and seasons do change.

Hang in there, just breathe, breaaaaaaaaaaathe....

love
Hops

[Meh]

I'm just grouchy and pissy Hops. Feeling claustrophobic.   Yeah breathing is good. 
Yah Hops new plans. Yes I used to sing, not well but I did do it.
NEW plans

new PLANS
this is a good mantra

I mean years ago I went on a road trip with people and it was fun but after being cooped up with them day and night, night and day, all sleeping together and in camp-ground showers together and eating together..... I was about ready to pull my hair out I would sneak off by myself just to relax. I'm just on guard around people like very aware and uncomfortable of other's presence. I like togetherness but I also need (my place and my space). I get seriously grouchy if I don't have my place and my space always been this way since I was a kid.

And yeah I am a gardener and I have bulbs blooming on my desk at work and orchids and all kinds of pretty cool stuff that makes me happy. Somebody told me that one of my co-workers actually took a photograph of my desk. I like pretty and clean and cheerful, orderly chick places.   I've got nothing of the sort going on where I live because I feel like I have no real space here and like I don't even want to bother making myself at home. The other night I sat looking at my ceiling light thinking of something I could do with the shade to make the light a little more eyeball friendly during the winter etc and then I started thinking of what I could do to make myself comfortable here.

Just having a pissed off thing going on for me right now. It's just the way things are going. I spent over an hour waiting for a bus that never arrived for some reason and it was raining outside and now I am waiting for that dude to get out of the kitchen who was in the kitchen this morning when I left 5 hours ago. Sigh but now I am here and am going to make coffee and dinner.

I feel like doing some organizing of my room stuff. And I did this a little bit of it at least the bottom of my closet is together.

Seriously why on earth do I post my personal stuff on the internet....I question myself for real this is dumb.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjnuIm4_aKM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtOyU1fwQ-M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLSwKPcI6tM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SypUFTnGkZo

[Hopalong]

Oooh. Saw a few min of one...painfully funny!

You're an introvert, right? I know lack of privacy and peace
is torture for introverts.

I'm not even an introvert but I would go there on that camping trip too....

I think you are going to keep going forward, and find a better sitch.

I don't have proof, but I believe it.

Hugs
Hops

[Meh]

I'm awake, not feeling very good, kind of feel like I am getting sick or something idk, having a cup of coffee about to turn my music up loud.

Did not very much today, cooked some potatoes and veggies. Drank a lot of coffee. Sigh. Some days the feeling of waiting for a bus to get on it and then go wherever, have to do this for everyday of work don't want to do it right now.

Watching you tube videos. Was going to go out to the town where I used to live but it's an epic bus trek to do in one day, been thinking about doing it for months.

[Meh]

Today I got to listen to two guys at work hurl racial insults at each other. But in a work environment where the HR person talks about douches and crack pipes there is not much to be done but try to ignore it. Though I started calling the guy who started the dispute by a feminized version of his name which doesn't help I guess.

[Meh]

Today it snowed here. Was pretty, woke up to the surprise of seeing it covering everything outside!!! beautiful   and   now it is melted

and now it's going to rain for the next 8 days straight

[Hopalong]

As ever, nature and her beauty go straight to your soul, Boat.
So glad you had that snow.

I keep thinking--Boat = art.
Painting, drawing. Watercolor.
These are small, portable, low-cost things.

Your soul needs beauty, color. You are so creative.

I just think you need to do art. I wish there
were a class. Just a quiet class with a great
teacher, where you'd go and lose yourself
in making beauty once a week. I think it
would heal you a lot.

There. Bossy Hops-Rx-o'-the-day.
Hops who knows unsolicited advice
can be annoying. Please forgive.

love to you,
Hops

[Meh]

Yah I know. Have not had access to my hobbies recently. It's true.  Though it is almost at the pinnacle top of the needs Hierarchy, it falls by the way side, requires tools and space and the sense of justifying time allotted to that activity. But again Yah it's true.

[sKePTiKal]

If it's any consolation, I'm right there in the same mood myself, Bean.

I've wondered a couple times, if it's just this years' version of the "Holiday Crap"? I want to duct tape hubby and put him on the riding mower and push it off the dock. I feel like I'm not allowed to have "me space" whatsoever... and when he keeps insisting on being where I am... I defend myself. I wish I could find a guy he liked to hang out with, and make play dates for him... so I could have some time to declutter, clean, and just hear myself think.

I won't hijack your thread Bean. But it's not just you, OK?

[Meh]

Spent Christmas alone but not even peacefully "alone".

What I am doing isn't working. Having roommates at my age, especially ones which have hygiene issues.

Did make some nice food for myself however   that was easy

tomorrow back to work with all my metro-sexual coworkers and probably back to phone calls from irate customers who didn't get their ordered Christmas gifts delivered to them by Christmas because they ordered at the last minute

everything feels pointless when I look at it from some logical perspective  

I'm tired of people saying "it will get better"  been waiting for it to get better for the last decade +   I'm kind of more looking at it from a "what the ferk now" perspective

Feeling claustrophobic need to do something about this.

Have found myself in a continuous pattern of being where I do not want to be and not having a real way to change it

Fundamentally I just need more money, it's not more deep than that, life is pretty simple and shallow

seems like the only point of life is for people to put as much money in the bank as they can and build their own mini empire with homes and vehicles and that is all there is, miniature fiefdoms, how different to think this way compared to how I thought about the world 15 years ago, where there was some kind of significance in "Saving the environment", "ending war", having a cause, "social justice", liberalism, ...... it's said that people tend towards being more politically "conservative" as they age and moving away from liberalism. Where I suppose liberalism has something to do with idealism, conservatism has something more to do with selfishness.

I don't care about my job, don't give a sheet if customers buy stuff or not, it's kind of meaningless

Don't care about the people I know in 3-D, really wish their dramas were remote and far away,       maybe keep busy busy busy is the key to it all

[Meh]

"Daughters of madness"  book Susan Nathiel

might as well just start a reading list or something

I've noticed that "resilience" is a new buzz word just like co-dependency was a big buzz.

My last therapist used the word resilience on me but it was pointless because all I really want to say to them is "I'm missing out on life" even if I am alive

I don't blame my family at all anymore I am way too old for that and it is all so OLD news by now but it sure as hell hasn't been a pleasant ride

[Meh]

Lazy day slept till 11:00 PM. Don't want to get on the bus because I wait for the darn thing everyday commuting to work. Found a quicker bus to take though that drops me off closer to work which is good I guess but still lame. My brother's best friend sent me a text yesterday wishing me a Happy Holiday which was nice but I don't know exactly what to think about it not sure if he now feels obligated to keep it touch with me. I almost don't want to write anything about my mother because it all just seems dead and over. She sent me an email telling me she is going out of state to visit my grandmother who is very old by now and she is having my brother's two sons fly over to her which kind of sucks in my opinion having young kids take airplanes by themselves and all because she had me do it my whole childhood and it was when I had the first panic attack that I remember.

Also I don't know why she thinks it's a good thing to make the kids see a shriveled dying old woman that they barely even know. It's kind of creepy. Maybe there is no point in me telling her this because it's already a done deal I just kind of doubt that it's good for the kids it's more like for her sense of "fake family" which she also tried to force and maintain with me. I also think about if I will ever tell my nephews "the truth" but then again maybe they will not ask me or maybe their mother will eventually tell them more. But mostly it is probably best to say nothing about the past and just move forward.

In my own zone I feel very unmotivated to apply for jobs etc. I've not got any specialized skills anymore. Used to make two times the amount of money I am getting now for the 40 hours a week I give them of my life. And then I have to ask myself what part of my life am I giving to myself and I come up with a blank and I know I should do something about this yet I don't really have the energy or a solution at the moment and pretty much I think I have been writing something like this for a while. I was okay when I worked a good job or was taking some kind of classes because I felt like I had some kind of longer term plan now at the moment I do not.

[Meh]

Awake early today, didn't sleep well unfortunately, because last two days have been feeling under the weather and could have used that extra rest.

Awake, and trying to figure out if this new schedule is going to be any better for me at all or if it's just going to suck.

[Meh]

So far my new schedule is helping me to not be stepping on the toes of my roommates and vice versa, now I just have to be sure to get enough sleep.

Avoided being screamed at by a customer today who was stating "I don't care what your policies are" or just prolonged the situation, but still cringe ((yay)) 

I still feel awake too oddly enough    YAY