New T

[Meh]

[Twoapenny]

Third session with T.  We were talking about a couple of situations involving friends over the last week.  My problems with people I don't really enjoy seeing anymore, my difficulties in being assertive, my feelings of not being heard and having to keep explaining myself over and over again (esp re my son's disability).

Her responses (paraphrasing here) "If you don't want to spend time with someone just tell them you're busy.  There doesn't have to be a dramatic event or a reason or any justification on your part - simply say, I'm sorry, we're really busy and I don't have any free time at the moment and leave it at that".  Simple but for some reason this has never seemed to me to be a reasonable thing to do.  She's told me to practise!

Being assertive - there was a situation in the week where I was a little bit more assertive than usual but because the response was negative I didn't know what to do next and it ended rather badly.  It involved a friend selling something on my behalf and the recipient being difficult about paying.  T pointed out that instead of using the friend as a go between I could have asked for the number of recipient and dealt with it myself.  Again, very simple but it hadn't occurred to me.  She pointed out that friend was trying to help (genuinely) and as so few people do that for me I should focus on those who do!  All made sense but again, out of my range of 'normal' reactions.  Have apologised to friend and thanked her for her help, she's apologised for being short with me and the money has been sorted out so win win situation.

Not being heard - she's said to focus on people who do hear and not to invest too much time on those who won't.  Not to keep explaining or repeating myself.  I've done that before in openly abusive situations (family , for example) but the situations I'm in now are more subtle and I just hadn't seen it in the same way.

So helpful things, ways of dealing with the here and now, getting myself out of situaitons without being angry or causing a big rumpus.  Help with moving healthy relationships forward and getting over obstacles.  I am a happy Tupp

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

WOW.
Those are massive insights, Tupp.
Even the pain and fear...you have spotted such a direct and obvious connection, that it's worth riding those tough feelings out. This is how you get to RELEASE them...let them rise up and pass through, maybe quite a few times...and those damn reactions just get bored.

You're not "feeding" them any more. You are rising up YOURSELF, your deeper yearning-for-wholeness self is rising up, and refusing to be cowed into "obeying" those old-child feelings, and insisting on holding in your very functional mind...the bigger goal.

Keep your eyes on the prize, that true change is settling in! Be patient with yourself. Be very kind to yourself. Practice your assertiveness behaviors even if they feel weird. Practice means, you can make them become a natural part of you. It's just repetition. That's all it is...and it works!

So delighted for you,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Bones, and Hops

I'm finding I'm feeling quite low again now.  That seems to be the pattern that's coming with this - feeling good, then it sinks in and all falls and settles a bit, then it levels off.  The good thing is I've been coping with highs and lows for years so I know how to manage it and I know it will pass in time.

Re the item that I was selling; I ended up getting less money than I thought I was so I wasn't entirely happy about the situation and felt cheated.  I thought about it a lot and decided to let it go; it wasn't worth the emotional input on my part, one person involved would get upset (and it isn't her fault either) and the third is an arsehole.  It's a relatively small amount of money so although I felt very angry and put out I've decided to put it down to experience and not to involve third parties in future financial things!

I have noticed I tend to ask people to ask people for me; I realised I'm quite scared of calling people directly when I know someone who knows them.  I really don't know why this is but it's something I'd never noticed before so I'm going to stop doing that.

I also think I need to work on my feelings of being ignored.  My reactions to that are very, very strong so there is something there that I need to think about and deal with.

Hops, I'm relieved to hear that the emotions come up and eventually stop doing so.  I do find it quite tiring, I can see why reverting back to the old behaviour is easier (and why I've done it so much).  It feels a bit like moving house, you know when you have to explore a new area and find out where the shops are, where your nearest bank is, that sort of thing.  It's a bit like that only with people and feelings rather than places.  I hope you're both doing okay xx

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,
I'm weary from a business trip (driving across NJ/NY could've turned my hair whiter) but loved seeing the new World Trade Center from the Veranzano Bridge). Also enjoyed my first visit to the Hamptons, where I felt like a poky Martian, strolling where The Very Rich shop. But the weather was bright and crisp and it was fun to be away from the home office. My flight home got in late.

Fetched my pooch from the boarding place this a.m. and she's worn out but seems happy--she was in "day care" with other dogs during the day, which was great socialization for her. She follows me from room to room to be sure I'm sticking around.

Nap's next, then a business meal (ugh) tonight...next two days my most-loathed work experience, a "strategic retreat" which Nboss always begins by forcing everyone to listen to his "guided meditation" during which he does full-guru thought control (love meeeee, love the company, my passsssssssion for this company, ick--in a soft, hypnotic voice). Horribly invasive to me.

But I found out two years ago that foam earplugs are easy to hide under my hair and I no longer hear a damn note of his mantra crap!

Growllll,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp,
I'm weary from a business trip (driving across NJ/NY could've turned my hair whiter) but loved seeing the new World Trade Center from the Veranzano Bridge). Also enjoyed my first visit to the Hamptons, where I felt like a poky Martian, strolling where The Very Rich shop. But the weather was bright and crisp and it was fun to be away from the home office. My flight home got in late.

Fetched my pooch from the boarding place this a.m. and she's worn out but seems happy--she was in "day care" with other dogs during the day, which was great socialization for her. She follows me from room to room to be sure I'm sticking around.

Nap's next, then a business meal (ugh) tonight...next two days my most-loathed work experience, a "strategic retreat" which Nboss always begins by forcing everyone to listen to his "guided meditation" during which he does full-guru thought control (love meeeee, love the company, my passsssssssion for this company, ick--in a soft, hypnotic voice). Horribly invasive to me.

But I found out two years ago that foam earplugs are easy to hide under my hair and I no longer hear a damn note of his mantra crap!

Growllll,
Hops

Oh Hopsie, hooray for ear plugs and long hair!  What a brilliant idea, your boss sounds like a nightmare.  I used to work at a place where the boss organised 'team building' events and weekends away, which generally involved doing something he was really good at and him getting really drunk and being obnoxious to people.  I'm very glad I was able to escape!

I'm glad your lovely pooch has settled so well and enjoyed her little holiday away from home.  It's a good sign of how well she's settled with you that she coped with that and still seemed happy.  She must be leading a happy dog life now

[Twoapenny]

Had another session last night, feel terrible today.  Realised I feel like I need someone else's permission to talk about certain things, it made me realise that I need to take the bull by the horns and start talking about my step-dad.  I know it's something I really need to deal with but I just find it so hard, even thinking about him makes me feel sick.  But it needs to be done so that's my mission for the next session.

[Twoapenny]

I feel like I don't want to go back.  I don't feel safe enough to talk about him.  I feel like I'll be opening the door up and she won't be able to protect me from him.  Something has changed since the last session.  There were a couple of points in it when I didn't feel that she was hearing what I was saying.  I think that's what made me feel unsafe.  I'm not sure that she is the right person to be talking to about this now.  I'm thinking about trying someone else.  It's taken such a long time to get to a point where I really need to talk about him that I don't want to spill to the wrong person.  Something about the whole set up doesn't feel right at the minute.  It's not that I don't want to talk at all, I just don't want to talk about it to her.

[Hopalong]

Tupp, I'll go out on a limb here, just first intuition w/o much analyzing:

What if your sudden recoil from this insightful, intuitive, smart therapist--and looking at her with fear--
isn't about who SHE is, but about your fear of the hard feelings/hard work risk you'll be taking if you
talk about him?

I just got a flash-thought that perhaps you go a little microscopic looking for what's wrong in people
and in relationships...because that keeps you safe.

If you can find something fatally wrong with her as a therapist, then you're justified in giving up,
moving on...and not risking going deeper.

Deeper. (Where the real healing is.)

If you can, based on all I know from reading this thread....my loving advice would be: ride through
this. Risk trusting her.

See what happens.

(The worst that can happen---a la Victor Frankl--is that you'll be disappointed, and feel vulnerability.
You already know what disappointment feels like, and you have experienced surviving vulnerability.)

What do you think? I'm sorry you're feeling triggered.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp, I'll go out on a limb here, just first intuition w/o much analyzing:

What if your sudden recoil from this insightful, intuitive, smart therapist--and looking at her with fear--
isn't about who SHE is, but about your fear of the hard feelings/hard work risk you'll be taking if you
talk about him?

I just got a flash-thought that perhaps you go a little microscopic looking for what's wrong in people
and in relationships...because that keeps you safe.

If you can find something fatally wrong with her as a therapist, then you're justified in giving up,
moving on...and not risking going deeper.

Deeper. (Where the real healing is.)

If you can, based on all I know from reading this thread....my loving advice would be: ride through
this. Risk trusting her.

See what happens.

(The worst that can happen---a la Victor Frankl--is that you'll be disappointed, and feel vulnerability.
You already know what disappointment feels like, and you have experienced surviving vulnerability.)

What do you think? I'm sorry you're feeling triggered.

love
Hops

It might be that, I had thought about it myself.  But she said a couple of things that made me feel like she didn't believe me and I can't cope with that.  I'm not going to stop altogether, just find someone else.  I contacted one who was too expensive and have found another that's affordable so I'm just waiting for them to call me back and hopefully I can set up an appointment with them quite soon.

[BonesMS]

(((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))

This may sound like a crazy question.....when she acted as if she didn't believe you, did you challenge or confront her?  I know that is risky.  Just a thought or two.

[Twoapenny]

(((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))

This may sound like a crazy question.....when she acted as if she didn't believe you, did you challenge or confront her?  I know that is risky.  Just a thought or two.

Yep.  I was telling her about the police and social services investigations and the people involved (professionals) who lied, either to me or about me.  I was going through some examples and she said (of the police woman) "I think she was naïve, I don't think she was lying".  I gave her a couple more examples and she still said the same thing.  I've got written proof.  I've got records that were altered, reports that were changed as they were handed around different people, discrepancies in statements made by professionals - I've got proof that professionals involved lied.  My complaints were upheld, there were agencies that admitted that their records weren't factually accurate, one social worker admitted to me on the phone that she'd made something up.  I felt like I was talking to my mum, she was refusing to see what was in front of her.  I didn't have the actual paperwork with me but I feel like I shouldn't need to prove to a therapist that I'm telling the truth.  I've never lied about this stuff.  I wouldn't say someone was lying without proof, the reasons the hassles against me stopped were because I proved how many people involved had lied.  It's left me feeling so ill and uneasy.

[BonesMS]

(((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))

This may sound like a crazy question.....when she acted as if she didn't believe you, did you challenge or confront her?  I know that is risky.  Just a thought or two.

Yep.  I was telling her about the police and social services investigations and the people involved (professionals) who lied, either to me or about me.  I was going through some examples and she said (of the police woman) "I think she was naïve, I don't think she was lying".  I gave her a couple more examples and she still said the same thing.  I've got written proof.  I've got records that were altered, reports that were changed as they were handed around different people, discrepancies in statements made by professionals - I've got proof that professionals involved lied.  My complaints were upheld, there were agencies that admitted that their records weren't factually accurate, one social worker admitted to me on the phone that she'd made something up.  I felt like I was talking to my mum, she was refusing to see what was in front of her.  I didn't have the actual paperwork with me but I feel like I shouldn't need to prove to a therapist that I'm telling the truth.  I've never lied about this stuff.  I wouldn't say someone was lying without proof, the reasons the hassles against me stopped were because I proved how many people involved had lied.  It's left me feeling so ill and uneasy.

I see what you mean.  I've also encountered therapists, on my side of the Pond, that simply cannot wrap their brains around the fact that this kind of stuff actually happens.