New T

[Twoapenny]

Saw a new therapist today.  She practices Gestalt therapy, which is all to do with how the mind and emotions can affect the physical body.  I am hoping she can help me deal with feeling like an eighty year old woman when I'm half that age.

I got a good feeling from her.  She's very direct, her meeting room is very informal and comfortable.  I didn't feel like I was being analysed or assessed (which is good as I don't like that feeling).  Today was a preliminary, just to see if we felt we could do some work together.

She picked up on a few things very quickly.  I told her a bit of background and she said that my body language was suggesting I didn't get a lot of support and she wondered if that was the case.  That was pretty spot on.  She said my posture - sitting forward on the chair, not leaning into it in any way, holding myself up rigid - suggested someone who wasn't used to getting support and my body showed that by not softening and letting the chair take some of the pressure.  She had me rearrange myself and sit back with cushions.  She said she noticed I smile a lot and she wondered if I was used to putting on a brave face.  Again, very much so.  She asked where I feel the need to smile in my body and I don't, I plaster it on to make other people feel comfortable.  She asked me if I was filtering what I said to her - of course I was!  It's such a habit.  She said to try and tell her how a question makes me feel rather than answering the question straight away.  I have come home feeling terrible, which always happens when I start talking about any of this stuff.  But I liked the way she worked and felt glad I'd bitten the bullet and gone over.  So work will now be underway!

[Hopalong]

Wow.
A SMART therapist is just as important as a KIND one.
And she is clearly both!

What a great find, Tupp.
I am very glad for you.

And...http://www.salon.com/2013/11/05/my_unconventional_therapist_saved_my_life/

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Good Luck Two!!!!

[Twoapenny]

Wow.
A SMART therapist is just as important as a KIND one.
And she is clearly both!

What a great find, Tupp.
I am very glad for you.

And...http://www.salon.com/2013/11/05/my_unconventional_therapist_saved_my_life/

hugs
Hops

Thank you, Hops.  I like that article, too, what an awful trauma that lady has been through losing her son like that, heart breaking.  I must form a new habit of not reading comments after an article, though, there are some really mean spirited, narrow minded people in the world.  I only want the open minded, kind ones!

Thank you xx

[Twoapenny]

Good Luck Two!!!!

Thank you, Green.  I hope your situation starts to improve soon, too xx

[BonesMS]

I LIKE the way that therapist is intuitive!!!!!  I wish there were more like her on my side of the Pond!

[lighter]

I got a good feeling from her.  She's very direct, her meeting room is very informal and comfortable.  I didn't feel like I was being analysed or assessed (which is good as I don't like that feeling).  Today was a preliminary, just to see if we felt we could do some work together.  Tupp..... I really hear and appreciate that you're listening to your first instincts in this situation.  It might be good to journal hard through this experience, and perhaps note how you're feeling at the top of each entry... unfiltered,and without much thought.   

.... I liked the way she worked and felt glad I'd bitten the bullet and gone over.  So work will now be underway!    I'm hoping you can gain much self awareness and reflection on how trushworthy your instincts are.... at least when you aren't filtering them and changing them to suit pd people around you.  Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Bones and Lighter

Second session yesterday.  I like this lady a lot.  Very relaxed and informal.  Greeted at the door by her lovely dog.  She dresses quite casually, I feel like I am popping to a friend's for tea rather than going to counselling.  We chit chatted about this and that.  Nothing heavy, nothing terribly deep, it felt like two friends having a chat rather than a counselling session.  She asked me to keep a note of where and when I feel pain or discomfort and to see if I could find any triggers.  I left feeling a little bit like it might not be the right thing for me; I wondered if we were doing enough.  It's quite expensive and I don't want to pay to chat to someone.  Within ten minutes I found myself thinking about something that happened a few years ago.  Almost instantly I developed a very strong headache.  Through the evening and over night the pain travelled across my neck and shoulders, down my arm, into my knee and finally into my foot.  I got up this morning thinking about something truly awful and had a horrible thought that my mum turned a blind eye to the abuse because she wanted me to have a baby that she could take (I'll explain that more later, at the minute it's so disgusting I can't think about it too much).  But I noticed I felt incredibly sick, very panicky, and then I got very, very angry.  I've journalled, stomped around the house, had an imaginary go at my mum and I feel clear headed and stronger.

So I'm now wondering/feeling like she picked up on all of this and what seemed like a little chat to me actually got some really strong stuff moving.  It's very different to the sort of counselling I had before but I feel more in control of it all.  I'm also wondering if those thoughts have always been there but I haven't noticed them before.  It feels very powerful.

She's also offered me some free sessions doing something else that she's training in, which is more to do with physical movement freeing up the body.  As it's training for her she won't charge for it.  I might give that a go as well.

[BonesMS]

Thank you, Bones and Lighter

Second session yesterday.  I like this lady a lot.  Very relaxed and informal.  Greeted at the door by her lovely dog.  She dresses quite casually, I feel like I am popping to a friend's for tea rather than going to counselling.  We chit chatted about this and that.  Nothing heavy, nothing terribly deep, it felt like two friends having a chat rather than a counselling session.  She asked me to keep a note of where and when I feel pain or discomfort and to see if I could find any triggers.  I left feeling a little bit like it might not be the right thing for me; I wondered if we were doing enough.  It's quite expensive and I don't want to pay to chat to someone.  Within ten minutes I found myself thinking about something that happened a few years ago.  Almost instantly I developed a very strong headache.  Through the evening and over night the pain travelled across my neck and shoulders, down my arm, into my knee and finally into my foot.  I got up this morning thinking about something truly awful and had a horrible thought that my mum turned a blind eye to the abuse because she wanted me to have a baby that she could take (I'll explain that more later, at the minute it's so disgusting I can't think about it too much).  But I noticed I felt incredibly sick, very panicky, and then I got very, very angry.  I've journalled, stomped around the house, had an imaginary go at my mum and I feel clear headed and stronger.

So I'm now wondering/feeling like she picked up on all of this and what seemed like a little chat to me actually got some really strong stuff moving.  It's very different to the sort of counselling I had before but I feel more in control of it all.  I'm also wondering if those thoughts have always been there but I haven't noticed them before.  It feels very powerful.

She's also offered me some free sessions doing something else that she's training in, which is more to do with physical movement freeing up the body.  As it's training for her she won't charge for it.  I might give that a go as well.

Wow!  That is progress!!!

I wish I could talk to her too!

[Hopalong]

How amazing, Tupp.
That is wonderful, when the subtle shifts in thinking that begin in a therapy session begin to manifest something different afterward...
And the no-cost physical modality sounds interesting, too.

I think you have something subtly powerful going on here, and hope it continues to bring you growth. Your own observations are very keen too, and that intelligence will help you make the most of whatever you learn.

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Hops and Bonesie.

I think she is right for now.  In the past, I may have found her approach too direct and shied away from it.  I've also been taking some homeopathic remedies for a couple of months.  I explained to the homeopath (he is a very kind man who I have been seeing for a long time now so he knows my history and family problems) that I find it virtually physically impossible to talk about the sexual abuse - my voice literally goes and I can't get the words out.  I also find it hard to switch from busy, juggling all the balls mum to sitting talking about myself for an hour.  So he gave me something to try and help with that and I do feel that I can speak more openly and honestly with this lady than I could have done before.  Although we haven't talked about the sexual abuse yet so we will see what happens with that.

It does feel like a shift in the right direction, what I am noticing now is such a deep sense of loss and sadness.  I feel utterly bereft and alone.  I am trying to just sit with it and look after myself nicely but I do find it hard!  But I took my son to the cinema yesterday, a silly kids film which was just what I needed!  We had cake and hot chocolate and then a mini adventure when the door to the carpark was locked and I thought we wouldn't be able to get the car out.  But a nice man directed us to a different entrance so all was well.  We're going on a day trip tomorrow and we'll have lunch out as a little treat.  I find it easier to treat myself if I do it through him - silly, isn't it?

Bones, I wish you could talk to her too!  I feel quite safe around her, which is nice.

[BonesMS]

Thank you, Hops and Bonesie.

I think she is right for now.  In the past, I may have found her approach too direct and shied away from it.  I've also been taking some homeopathic remedies for a couple of months.  I explained to the homeopath (he is a very kind man who I have been seeing for a long time now so he knows my history and family problems) that I find it virtually physically impossible to talk about the sexual abuse - my voice literally goes and I can't get the words out.  I also find it hard to switch from busy, juggling all the balls mum to sitting talking about myself for an hour.  So he gave me something to try and help with that and I do feel that I can speak more openly and honestly with this lady than I could have done before.  Although we haven't talked about the sexual abuse yet so we will see what happens with that.

It does feel like a shift in the right direction, what I am noticing now is such a deep sense of loss and sadness.  I feel utterly bereft and alone.  I am trying to just sit with it and look after myself nicely but I do find it hard!  But I took my son to the cinema yesterday, a silly kids film which was just what I needed!  We had cake and hot chocolate and then a mini adventure when the door to the carpark was locked and I thought we wouldn't be able to get the car out.  But a nice man directed us to a different entrance so all was well.  We're going on a day trip tomorrow and we'll have lunch out as a little treat.  I find it easier to treat myself if I do it through him - silly, isn't it?

Bones, I wish you could talk to her too!  I feel quite safe around her, which is nice.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Hops and Bonesie.

I think she is right for now.  In the past, I may have found her approach too direct and shied away from it.  I've also been taking some homeopathic remedies for a couple of months.  I explained to the homeopath (he is a very kind man who I have been seeing for a long time now so he knows my history and family problems) that I find it virtually physically impossible to talk about the sexual abuse - my voice literally goes and I can't get the words out.  I also find it hard to switch from busy, juggling all the balls mum to sitting talking about myself for an hour.  So he gave me something to try and help with that and I do feel that I can speak more openly and honestly with this lady than I could have done before.  Although we haven't talked about the sexual abuse yet so we will see what happens with that.

It does feel like a shift in the right direction, what I am noticing now is such a deep sense of loss and sadness.  I feel utterly bereft and alone.  I am trying to just sit with it and look after myself nicely but I do find it hard!  But I took my son to the cinema yesterday, a silly kids film which was just what I needed!  We had cake and hot chocolate and then a mini adventure when the door to the carpark was locked and I thought we wouldn't be able to get the car out.  But a nice man directed us to a different entrance so all was well.  We're going on a day trip tomorrow and we'll have lunch out as a little treat.  I find it easier to treat myself if I do it through him - silly, isn't it?

Bones, I wish you could talk to her too!  I feel quite safe around her, which is nice.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, Bonesie (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm not sure if this lady is shifting things quicker or if I am just in a more ready place to do things and change things, but my attitudes and expectations with friends are changing rapidly.

I think I mentioned on another thread how many people reach out to me for help or support and how few people I have that I can reach out to.  I made a sort of mental list in my mind of people who genuinely don't have anyone else and those who do, along with people who are currently experiencing truly terrible problems (my friend with cancer, for example) and those who are having difficult times but who perhaps could do more about those themselves or who could reduce/limit contact with the difficult people who cause those situations (most of the others).  I decided to return the calls/texts/emails of the latter of each group only after I have done everything I want to do along with all the necessary day to day jobs that just keep life a little more ordered.  I have so much to do each day that it is usually exercise or having a nice bath that gets dropped whilst I spend time on other people's problems.  So I am trying to stop doing that.

The situation has occurred twice in the last two days - situations involving friends that I would usually leap into but, as they have other support and the situations aren't life threatening, I decided to leave it and will get back to them in a few days.  I've been amazed at how intense the physical reactions have been to this - physically shaking, tightly clenched fists, feeling sick, foggy headed, anxious, tearful.  I can only think it links back to being little and displeasing my mum.  It's quite shocking but I'm going to keep trying to do it - I'm thinking reactions that strong can't be a good thing and I need to break those habits?  I will keep you posted.  Thank you so much for your support here, everybody xx

[Twoapenny]

Am going from feeling euphoric at the revelations that I can change to feeling really low and scared at the reality of it.  The house is utterly silent, my son is still asleep, I feel restless, the phone just looks at me as if it's shouting "No-one likes you!  That's why no-one rings".  And now I'm changing things again even fewer people will ring.  But I think perhaps I've got to a point where I've felt any contact is better than no contact but I really want so much more than that now.   

[Twoapenny]

My co-dependency issues really smacked me in the face yesterday.  I felt so wretched because I haven't done what I know would please these two particular friends that the urge to ring them and make it all right was overwhelming.  I felt so small and alone and had a real ball of fear in my stomach.  I can only think back to being little and my mum ignoring me for days because I did something wrong, and it was always something small that I should have 'known' but didn't.  Then I'd try so hard to be nice to her and make her talk to me again; eventually she would and only then would I feel okay.  The relief was huge.

We went out in the afternoon and there was a lady who I 'know'; she has mental health and learning difficulties and lives in sheltered accommodation near us and spends most of her time wandering round the shopping centre.  She's very sweet but very confused and has the mind of a child.  She was upset about something - I'm not really sure what - but I focused on her and all those bad feelings went away.  Then I spent the afternoon eating and they stayed away.

So I really saw it for the first time yesterday; it's quite clear to me now why I go to such lengths to avoid upsetting or annoying people and why I spend so much time faffing around on things that help other people rather than me.  I would always help out someone like the lady with learning difficulties but it quite shocked me how doing that made all those bad feelings vanish instantly and it made it very clear why I have focused so much on doing things for others.