Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

I had a crack into insight today, not fully a breakthrough but a beginning. I have been practicing and learning about mindfulness through Jon Kabat-Zinn and Jim Hopper. Today while doing a 10 minute meditation focusing on breathing I saw how profoundly my father's condemnation and my mother's complicity in it shaped me to be self-condemning about all they criticized and all they were silent about. Over the years that self condemnation grew to encompass everything I do in life. Today I saw how that has led to this state I am in.

I'm not out of it. It's grip is not broken. But this is the first step in healing. And it is coming.

I was able to sit in this meditation, have my mind wander, not sit perfectly and for the first time in decades if iff and on trying various meditative forms, just smile at my imperfections. And in that moment the feelings associated with shame, rejection, failure, condemnation, etc. cracked - for an instant - and I saw a different reality.

Perhaps this is a bell which cannot be untuned. Time will tell. I have so much to do. I am ready for freedom.

[Gaining Strength]

Since June, I have been flooded with memories in which I felt rejected from every period of my life. The memories have flooded me day and night, awake and asleep, relentlessly. They have hit me hard, knocking my feet out from underneath me. And they keep coming. I believe I have perhaps been processing them but it has been like cutting a forest one tree at a time.

I have no choice but to persevere a believe in an end, a triumph. I see no clearing but u am not yet tired.

[Gaining Strength]

I have found temporary relief using various techniques time and time again only to find myself falling back into the mire as deeply or deeper. And yet I have never given up nor given up hope.

Should relief only be temporary I give thanks for the relief how ever long it lasts. Today I will not give into fear that it return but only give thanks that it is here. 

[Gaining Strength]

As I continue with the guided meditations with Jon Kabat-Zinn, the sting on the omnipresent shame/anxiety/paralysis begins to loosen. And I am becoming more aware of its power over me. This is very interesting. I can't wait to see how this progresses.

[Gaining Strength]

Each time I focus on breathing the volume of the anxiety is turned down. More and more memories arise. Awareness of my self hatred and condensation increases and toxic mories arise. Throughout my life my subconscious self criticism has been repeatedly reaffirmed by failings, rejections and loss. As the volume of the anxiety turns down my clarity increases.

I suspect that in time I will feel free to venture forward without omnipresent fear of rejection and failure. For decades I tried to understand what was wrong with me. Now I know. And very slowly things are finally lifting. It has been a long journey.

[Gaining Strength]

Remarkable break through during mindfulness exercise today..I saw in a new way how the rejection and constant criticism and the fear of the men prisoner me.  In a moment I was standing outside of that prison but not far enough away for the fear to completely subside.

These past few months have shown me what had me trapped after years, decades of trying to understand.  Now the understanding is so clear it is hard to remember not understanding.  When I first saw the pain was not released or even lessened. That was terrifying. But bit by bit I am experiencing more insights and bits of freedom from the paralyzing pain. I see freedom coming.  When the fear of the paralyzing pain is gone I will have freedom because the pain is currently bearable. But I still have a long way to go. Today I have the courage to get there.

[Gaining Strength]

In time I expect that insight into the connect between the contrast and inevitable criticism from FOO which is internalized and now omnipresent in my being, will begin to unravel the connection and separate what belonged to them from what is mine.

Still the pain during even the briefest mindfulness exercises is extreme. But the unraveling is becoming expected and this expectation may replace the expectation of condemnation which is the binding fetters. I see that on the horizon.

[Gaining Strength]

I am becoming aware that throughout my life I have survived by repressing the pain.  As I use mindfulness exercises I become increasingly aware of the pain that has been repressed.  Initially that awareness intensifies the pain and is unbearable.  In time, maybe seconds maybe weeks, the awareness takes the sting away.  Bug still the fear or anticipation causes me to tense up and automatically repress again. 

I now know that the anticipation is what has bound me.  To learn that the intensity of the pain can be diminished will allow me the experience activities that heretofore have caused me unbearable pain and use mindfulness to bear it.

Writing this brings it out into my consciousness. Keeping this in the forefront gives me bits of courage to keep pushing forward.

[Hopalong]

BRAVO, GS!

It's wonderful to hear that what was darker and had risen is ebbing and now is oxygen, and forward flow again.

I'm so glad to read of your insights.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I had the most extraordinary dream last night. I was lengthy with many scenes and it was filled with exceptional creativity.

In an early scene a young mother was being sentenced for a crime. She had been so stymied by the original accusation that she had been unable to defend herself. After being found guilty a friend of hers took a hidden camera and took her friend to the crime scene, a repair garage, where she interviewed the defendant and others. Through this process the true story ce spilling out and the defendant was cleared.

There were some clever turns to the filming but I cannot remember them. 

In another segment, I befriended a young, artistic, single mother whom I expected was struggling. I went into her studio home which was full of patrons. She had a bowl full of odd fleshy fruit looking items which she was meeting out judiciously. They were seeds of ordinary plants but she had discovered a process by which the seeds would grow more quickly and abundantly.

As I stepped into her studio I saw a stately mannequin draped on a beautiful garment. As I watched, the fabric folded around from the back revealing an entirely different look and again. She had designed an exquisite dress that morphed into three beautiful gowns. A friend confided that Hoda Koptke had purchased the original.

There were more scenes that are fading now. But it was a time of indulgence in brilliance and inclusion a beginning of belonging. Far from my usual dreams of humiliation and rejection.

[Gaining Strength]

I have long been aware that my entire life I have been motivated by avoiding negative reaction.  Inevitably that motivation has bogged me down further and further and further.

Today I discovered a book The Mindful Approach to Depression.  In the book the authors refer to a scientific study which demonstrated that aversion motivation is destructive.  The way out of course is through mindfulness. Ironically mindful exercises done to bring about a result miss the mark.

[Gaining Strength]

Being aware of these long repressed feelings and the feeling I have avoided intensifies them.  The practioners of mindfulness write that daily practise brings relief.  I am trusting the process.  There is an 8 week online course.  I plan to enroll.

It seems oddly scary.

[Gaining Strength]

Layers and layers and layers of self hatred and shame from rejection and condemnation.  Is there a bottom to it all.

Each day I learn so much from my exploration into mindfulness. The insula is a part of the brain not understood until 2007.  Now it is known that the insula plays a role in the resiliency of the being in dealing with emotional pain. The insula withers with age but both the resiliency and the size can be restored through mindfulness. 

This information about the role of the insula explains well my own experience.  The damage was done early in and my resiliency has decreased across time and it seemed to be extinguished. 

Holding these physical sensations of shame in awareness without judgement is empowering.  Across my life I have repressed them and fled them the sw ya dog runs from fleas.  To hold them in awareness without judgment is agonizing. The pain crescendos and memories of shaming moments flood in, further intensifying the shame. Holding it, gently, more and again and then it breaks like a fever and there is rest until the tension of shame slowly mounts again and the process starts up again. 

The relief when the tension breaks is filled with  comfort and hope.  But the relentlessness of the nudge of yet another shaming memory is filled with despair.  How does the cycle end?  I keep at it.

[Gaining Strength]

In this page (http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-emotional-pain-body-part-2-wcz/) a psychologist us writing about Ekhart a Tolle's concept pain body and way to diminish it.  All of the ways and forms of awareness. 

The further encourages me to continue on with mindfulness.

[Gaining Strength]

The article on the painbody indicates that others have gone through layer after layer after layer.  That makes sense to me.  I am particular connected to my painbody.  It took hold of me by my neck.  It will take more to let it go. But that is not discouraging.  I am willing to keep at it.  It is only discouraging when a technique seems to have no effect.  That triggers the  fear and hopelessness.  I can work hard at developing awareness.  Daily I see bits and pieces of results.  They don't appear to accumulate but provide relief here and there.  Ultimately I am looking for an accumulative effect that will leave me free to live a full life.