Hi Tupp:
I'm supposed to be EFT tapping every day, several times a day, and repeating unconditional self acceptance mantras as I go. I can do this in the car, and sometimes change up what I say out of boredom.
I'm working on finishing up the number of projects I begin and have trouble finishing.... so many. Sometimes I'll see one, and think.... Why didn't I FINISH that?" It seemed so obvious and took so little time..... wasn't something I would have minded doing. Like blowing the leaves from my property next to my elderly neighbor's house. She did it before I started blowing, so to be fair.... it was just done, and I didn't have to think about it. Next year I'll be all over it where this year it didn't cross my mind. At all. Seems odd, like a blind spot for me.
Some are creative projects I'd LOVE to get into. I love to paint furniture, have the furniture to paint, space, and supplies.... but it FEELS like I should be doing other things, and sometimes I'm paralyzed by it. It's something I'm working on very hard right now. Listening to it. Figuring out what it's about.... this resistance, and getting past it.
I'm wishing you, and everyone, a wonderful 2016. May we all enjoy good health, growth, self awareness and our best possible selves.
((((Tupp and son))))
And wishing all of that right back at you! Yes, I'm exactly the same, so much gets almost done and then, as you say, just that final half hour doesn't seem to get completed and there's really no reason, other than, for me, being reluctant to finish and lay myself open to 'it's not good enough'.
This Christmas seems to have opened a tsunami of realisation of the fear I am still carrying in me. I did nothing yesterday; other than cooking lunch I barely left the sofa. I didn't feel anything particularly, good or bad, I just couldn't get it together enough to move. I was thinking about it today; I know I would have felt really good about myself if I'd got on a got another job done (or finished one I'd started) and there was plenty of time yesterday to do a job and have a lazy afternoon or evening as well so I could have done both. But I didn't. And I think it's fear, and perhaps feeling like I don't deserve to be able to pat myself on the back and to do a job well and enjoy free time?
I did realise that never being 'heard' has had an impact. My family used successes in my life to devalue the effect I felt being abused had on me. My mother's argument that the sexual abuse wasn't abuse was that I'd had boyfriends, and dated, and had a baby, and if I'd been abused I wouldn't have been able to do any of those things. She used the fact I went to University as evidence that the constant criticism throughout my childhood had actually been a good thing because it had made me work harder (!). My son's disability has never been accepted as the acute condition that it is and has always been blamed on my parenting of him and my own neuroses and tendency for the melodramatic (other people's words, not mine!). When I reported my step father to the police there was not only zero support from the family but they blamed my messed up life (their words, not mine) on my need to try and destroy other people's. Ironically the problems we were encountering were all related to my mother's false allegations of abuse, many of which I still hadn't uncovered at that point. So there's been this pattern of any success in my life - or enjoyment, for that matter - being derided, devalued or minimising other things that are tough (ie my son's disability can't be that bad if I can go out, for example).
So I really need to work on all of this. I know I'm scared that if I move (when I move I ought to say) that my mum will make allegations again and we'll have all those problems. But I'm starting to think I'm even more scared that we might actually move into a nice flat, in a nice area, and start spending time with good people who I know value me because they've kept in touch despite the fact we live hundreds of miles apart and can't spend a lot of time together. I might even meet a man, and spend my days on the beach with my son, and life might actually become this wonderful gift instead of being an endless endurance test? And it's odd because I desperately want an amazing life but at the same time I think I might be really scared of that happening?
On that note, I have realised I need to try and organise myself better. My son's health makes it hard to plan because he's so up and down a lot of the time but I know it's another thing I avoid because if I wing it constantly then there's always room for 'oh, I just haven't got round to that yet' instead of just not doing or getting it done even if it's not done that well. So first job of today is to plan our week out, and then I think I'll spend today getting organised in the hope that next week will be a week of small achievements instead of me lurching through it
I am feeling good things about 2016! All the very best to you and your girls, Lighter, and to everybody else as well
xx
