Becoming "me"

[Hopalong]

mild opprobrium

(Couldn't manage only one...)

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I think my brain was reaching for "consternation", Hops. There's a vague term that covers the mixture of emotions - HA. Of course I thought of it an hour or two after I posted, when I was thinking of something else. Just the way it works sometimes.

Yeah, so I've been sitting watching the days go by. Oops it's morning again... how did it get to supper time... and I still haven't done anything? I don't necessarily LIKE this state - I think I'm even getting a little bored, if you can imagine; I can't - I almost never describe myself as bored. I don't like that I get to the end of the week, and I still have the same to-do list as Monday. (Minus a few things, in reality, that I DID take care of, just don't give myself credit for.) But this week has been another moving through thick jello atmosphere week. It's just really hard to feel different than just reassuring myself that I'm breathing... I still feel pain... and there is nothing saying I HAVE to do _____ right now.

I had found a property closer to the cabin that I was interested in. Called and left voicemail the day I drove up there. Of course, without phone or internet, wasn't much I could do while at the cabin. Then, I'd sent a message through the website; through the listing website too... and it's been over a week and no one has gotten back in touch. All week, I thought about calling into the office and asking them if they had any interest in selling that property at all (Twiggy lives!    ) since they couldn't be bothered to at least acknowledge me. But I didn't. I almost feel like I need to go with the flow some on this... let myself be guided by the universe, instead of imposing what I THINK I want on it. Wait for it to clearly indicate what direction I should head in. The cabin itself is a keeper. Whether I end up there full-time or not - it's a great little spot to drop out of the world's insane goings on and just be quiet.

This place is.... too big; too "over the top" ostentatious for me. Too decadent... and encouraging of sloth. Yeah, I might be able to "edit" it into something more productive. But I'm not going to be able to fight mother nature - outside property - all by myself. She's definitely winning here. I started the process, of looking to trade-in the truck for something I'm more able to handle. I have a few maintenance things to take care by myself on it, get it able to get it into the shop... and then it'll be ready for trade-in. Whatever I end up with will still be able to pull the boat out of the water. My old jeep is back in commission; I've really missed driving old Rudicon and the stick shift. He's been tastefully red-necked up a little bit with a lift and bigger tires and except for tight turning, I don't even notice it. It looks proportional to the extended body.

I wouldn't say that I'm grieving here, so much... as maybe overwhelmed. Despite the herculean effort of the phase 1 purge of stuff just taking up space... there is yet more to go. And since I have a new "pen pal"... who is interested in a relationship with another homesteader... I think I'm feeling just a little guilty too. Not so much what other people might think about whether it's "too soon", but just... well, it's Mike I'm missing and I don't know that I want someone else to step into that spot just yet. But if I don't leave the door open - and keep it clear in my head that they are a completely different person - well, then I guess I'd be choosing to NOT go down that path at this time. And I'm not sure the universe plays nice, when it's gifts and opportunities are rejected. It could be a long, long while before the opportunity would come around again. So, I'm staying safe... and going slow... and I'm not being pushed. And meanwhile, keeping my eyes open for others who express the same desire for meeting someone. (There's this guy in Montana that sounds outgoing & fun.... I threw a little bait his way; we'll see if he bites.)

And the rest of the time, I'm using the "slow" clock hands to listen for what I really WANT to do "next"... instead of what the situation seems to dictate or require or is tempting me with. We're being blessed with a really long spring here -- and I should be outside doing those chores I wanted the contractor to do. I haven't heard back from him in 3 weeks. I'm about ready to call another guy.

[lighter]

Guilt sucks, Amber.

I'm glad you're going with the flow, and just letting the new pen pal thing be. 

Mike wouldn't want you to be alone always.  He just wouldn't.

I bet it's a relief to think about not having to care for the big place, and all that outdoor scape for always.

Time to start asking for names of other contractors. perhaps.  There might be a great contractor out there that makes residual chores happy ones, instead of dreaded ones. 

You're moving through this as well as can be expected.  Don't forget to give yourself pats on the back too, ((Amber)).

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Fascinating thing:

It seems like such an uphill battle to get all the things on my list done. I feel like I have to drive myself to complete them before taking care of myself even... but in reality, there are whole days where I simply can't convince myself that anything is that important except letting my head & body rest. Yet despite this, the post-it note lists are getting tossed and replaced... and we simply keep moving on to new things; new phases of the to-do's.

You're right about this "big old house". It no longer "suits me" - my idea of being here and what it would be like has now changed. I'm making progress on the stable of vehicles this month... which I hope means I can get to work on the garage. Friend of mine lost his tools in a fire; I think I know a way to solve his & my problem at the same time. 

I am keeping a close eye on myself with the pen pal. Already noticed that I check the email 10 times a day, to see if I have a new note. I am happy that anyone even deigned to "notice" me and encouraged that they would take the chance - with little to no prior contact - to make the inquiry. I blab on & on, about stuff because I feel some days, I've taken a vow of silence around here. So I make it a point to talk to the cat, just to hear my own voice. If nothing else, I'm making a new friend that - should I settle at the cabin - would be almost a neighbor (next county over). That's JUST as important to me right now as any kind of committed relationship.

I am a tad lonely; and will talk someone's ear off. And I'm still very much missing Mike. It seems that about the time I'm getting fully engaged in making progress onwards... someone has to post something or a picture on FB... or say something and I'm spending mornings thinking about him and talking to him again. And honestly, I think the house has something to do with that too. Even though, "Phase 1" of reclaiming it for myself was successfully completed. Blech!!!!!!!!!!

This is why it's nice to have a place to run away too. Even though there's no tv; no phones; no cell service... and bears that can eat a person... and dumb things we all do... Holly really wants me to visit her in Baltimore too. But the thought of me driving in the city again - uh.... not this girl. I turn into a Nascar, bump & grind & run 'em off the road redneck... LOL. I wasn't ever able to relax when I lived there (only 6 months) - just from the sensory overload. It's true she & Matt live in a quieter neighborhood... teleportation!! That's the ticket - beam me up, Holly.

[lighter]

Amber:



THUMBS UP on the tool situation.  Kondo would have you thank those tools for helping you and Mike through the years, then thank them for the service they'll provide to your friend.  Pass them on.   What a wonderful idea you had.  The energy in your post lifted when you wrote about it.  Yes: )

About the cabin..... I get the feeling it's a wonderful retreat, but too much time there, right now, works against you?  Maybe that's not the case, but it squeezed my heart to read about the seclusion, and lack of contact.  
;
About the house.... it's full of bitter sweet memories, of course it is. There's unfinished business, perhaps, but that's something you'll be able to put down, soon, I hope.  What you can't put  down are the endless to do lists, and dependency on men you don't trust, or feel comfortable having in your space.  The more you write about it, the more positive you seem to feel about putting it down.  

One thing to remember is.... you don't have to buy another house anytime soon.  You can let this one go, bc it's time, and not commit to an new one.....  until you're ready?   Do you have to?  Can you travel to all the places that interest you, and rent?  Try them and the people on?


I think you should go laugh with Holly for a bit.  Why do you have to drive?  
((((Amber))))  

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Well, this is probably the most intense thing in life that I've been through - since Twiggy's ordeal. At least, that's the conclusion I'm coming to. And yes, I feel it physically, as well as emotionally and even see it in my mental processes. Started writing it all out up at the cabin... just to get it "out" of my head... all the blather about this, that & the other things.

Whether the experience invokes all the old lizard-brain fears and instincts for preservation... or whether it's opened a potential for finally resolving some things I've struggled with since then, I can't say for sure. What I do sense is the kind "friction" or tension building, that always preceeded some new creative challenge. Making something out nothing but raw materials, and processing them in a specific way to make them intrinsically part of something "new" that satisfies a craving in my brain to "get it out there"... so others could see, feel and perhaps understand. To connect on a deeper level.

Being alone makes the most sense to me right now. I do talk to people online - and that's been happy, helpful and productive. If anything, I'm more isolated here at the beach, locked away in a neighborhood full of people who live entirely different kinds of lives than I do, or have over the years. It's not that they're bad people at all... but I don't relate to wine tastings, gym commitments, golf or book clubs. It all seems like a desperate attempt to pass the time of their lives without any real effort on their part. "Entertain me" type thing. Some still work; mostly as realtors. I'm pretty sure most of them have never struggled to be or have anything they can claim with 100% certainty is "theirs" in their lives. Everything was always "easy street".

Maybe the conceit is that, this kind of self-examination and struggle and "becoming" is more valuable and worthwhile a use of time on this earth than eating, drinking & making merry. I dunno. Not for me to say really, but it's hard to connect from two such disparate sets of experience with life. I certainly feel more real and more "me" with the folks living so close to the edge with mother nature... who understand that showing up; making the effort; and sometimes taking some risks... is all part of being alive. We do what we have to, to survive. I'm way more comfortable in that environment.

Everyone says travel. I can't think of anything that would be more torturous and sheer hell than forcing myself into crowded airports; or driving hours & hours and eating bad road food... and staying in anonymous hotels. (Yes, I do have an affinity for the anonymous hotel room however... it's some creative symbol.) Cruises, the same. It isn't worth the forced tolerance of crowds of people for me to try to go somewhere to get away from them. LOL. After my last trip into O'Hare, I've sworn I won't fly anymore... coming in - the signage was so bad that I was wandering around lost, like some little kid who let go of mom's hand, looking for the shuttle to the car rental area. I literally couldn't SEE any signs. Flying back out, I almost missed my flight because TSA couldn't figure out that a horizontal piece of metal trim on my wallet was NOT a KNIFE. I've been through customs at Heathrow & Frankfort. It's not pleasant; it's quite intrusive and puts Twiggy right front & center again. No thank you.

I'm a tad more in control while driving, but my body has limits - depending on traffic. If the traffic is fairly calm & light, I can drive maybe 7 hrs a day. That's how long it takes to get to the cabin from here. If I go visit the business this year, that means I overnight twice in hotels just to GET THERE. And then, live in the hotel long enough to recover and do the trip again back home. That's life living at "world's end"... halfway out in the Atlantic. LOL. You can't get there from here.

Whatever; since the old stuff about self-care; not beating myself up over things; etc has returned to fill the space in my life right now... I figure it's as good a time as any to just DEAL WITH IT, once and for all. Figure out why this gets in my way so much; put a stake in it; and trash it, if I can. My new pen pal isn't a threat. I think he's just as wary of me, as I am of him... so things are staying practical, "getting to know you", and moving at a pretty slow pace. I'm being 100% myself right now, and not making any promises about anything... including if I won't change my mind about getting to know him. He is in the next county from where the cabin is, though. And you DO NEED friends out there for the things that take more than one person... so I'm trying not to terrify him, too.

[lighter]

Amber:

You're doing an amazing job working through everything on your plate.

Sorting through what you like, and don't like,  with economy of motion seems to be one of your strengths; )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

OH PR, I related to so many moments in this.

I can do golf clubs and wine tastings if I have enough wine to take a nap on the floor in the middle of them...

And I tried solo vacations and travel many times, but without a destination that included anybody who loved me, the experience turned depressing. I passionately love exploration but there came a point when not sharing it made it emotionally wiser to stay.

Be aware of the built-in isolation of place, is all I'd say. Whatever place.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I hear that Hops. Isolation is really a double-edged sword. And while I'm comfortable with more of it than some people, even I have my limits.

I was talking to the only trash pickup company at the cabin... and he kept asking: are you near such & such? Is this the such & such person's place? And had to keep repeating: I don't know a single soul up there, so I can't really say. So, he told me where the nearest forest ranger lives. LOL.

As it turns out (coincidence? providence? a wicked sense of humor in the divine?)... my new pen pal - guy that I've been talking to is located a whole lot closer to the cabin than I originally expected. As in, he's almost in the neighborhood. Far enough away, that should we try to move forward with a relationship, we could still have separate locations and not be "long distance". I kind of like that, because I kind of like this guy. He was a single dad - 5 kids - and was telling me a story of how the neighbor boys follow him around while he's working and ask incessant questions. It shows a sensitive, caring side of him anyway.

We also have similar music tastes -- Youtube is real handy for sending a link, saying - hey I really liked this, what do you think? And compatible skillsets, too, for making a life in that area. (It was a tad too far on the wilderness side, for Mike's background, to do more than visit.) So, I took it another step and sent new-guy a picture. This might be a hard step for him; remains to be seen -- I'm waiting on a reply. But my imagination's working over-time conjuring men in kilts, built like castles, etc. We're past the stage of choosing someone on looks alone (as if that was ever a good idea)... and I've always appreciated how faces "weather" over the years... so I hope he's not TOO shy, to do this.

Other than that, I'm still chasing after contractors here and at the cabin, trying to get things taken care of - without doing everything all by myself.

[ann3]

Hi Amber,

New Pen Pal Guy sounds promising, but, please, would you please find a company to run a background check on him, to confirm he is who he presents himself to be?  Just want you to be safe & happy. 

[sKePTiKal]

I hear that too, Ann. I've run a lot of the "worst-case scenarios" through my head already.   

Thank the lord, I'm not a novice at relationships - and neither am I driven by an obsessive need to get paired up again, asap. For whatever reason, I know I have been in the past. I think I'm finally beyond that. Maybe that's the attachment thing at the core; the needing to be mirrored... protected... valued. But I don't HAVE to now. And the times I've been overwhelmed with emotional "need" here lately - I'm looking for Mike, and who he was - to bounce me off of. Not anyone else. But, he's gone... and I have to either find a way to deal with those moments myself... or let other people stand in and try.

So, not running toward anyone or away from me. I think I'm looking for a structured type of arrangement now, as well. Wherein we both stay independent, separate, whole in ourselves... in some areas of life... while we participate together on some various projects, to our benefit. That leaves us both free to live our lives, while still sharing some of the experience with each other. I can tell you I never thought about designing a relationship before. With all it's boundaries, etc. And it's kind of an intriguing idea. Because it's just a little much to expect other people to think about things that way - ya know? They think about having likes/dislikes, activities, and interests in common... and chemistry... all the fuzzy, vague, mooshy, "meat space" stuff instead. (At least I did, way back when.)

Nowadays, I'm looking for honesty, integrity, someone who has invested time in their own life and being themselves - and who is comfortable in their own skin... and it's way less about some lizard-brain "thrill" or emotionally imaginative fantasy. I think he & I have both decided that the first possible stage after getting to know you exchanges... is perhaps being friends and neighbors. And he's not broke, apparently... but that's a longer story and I'm on a deadline to set out whatever I don't want out front to be picked up tomorrow morning.

Autumn came down over the weekend and took the mustang back with her. So I have an open bay in the garage downstairs... which will let me start sorting even more. It's going to be a long day today. Should be productive too.

[ann3]

Amber,
Please forgive me if I sound paranoid, but remember the contractor who saw Mike's trucks/cars?  Some may view you as a woman &/or "widow" with "property".  I don't see you like that, I see you as Amber, a spunky, intelligent woman, but others might view you that way.  So, please be careful.
Please forgive me again if I scare the carp out of you or exceed a boundary, but please check out this web site:  http://www.lovefraud.com
It's a scary web site, but it's real. 
Sorry,
ann

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Ann, even my sweet Mikey lied to me about his finances... by simply not talking about them. And he told me enough true details about his previous relationships (that I could verify) I had no reason to suspect there was a bit of a problem. (I think it was sorta related to the "collecting/hoarding/shopaholic" issue he had.)

Men are insecure about pursuing relationships - I think, to a higher degree than women are - so much so, that when they are attracted to a strong woman there's a bit of panic involved that they might be found "wanting" on some level. Not good enough; not man enough. We could have a whole thread on our theories about why this is so... but it's only gotten worse since the 70s. (My definition of a strong woman, is someone independent who won't be pushed around and knows herself very well and can - and will - defend herself. Some guys whine and call us "difficult" - LOL.) But even strong women need to lean on someone, need some validation... someone to have their back and care about what they care about. We have a secret wish to NOT be strong all the time.

It's quite the intricate choreography - the "dance" that goes on between yin and yang; male & female. Even among myself and my online "adopted" big brothers... who want nothing from me. Ex#1 and #2, and various other relationships with abusive guys always happened because I was willing to overlook the obvious signs in exchange for that validation... for not being alone. My desperation to not be alone with myself got in the way of being able to easily predict that things wouldn't "end well". That seems to be gone - or the intensity reduced so much - that it's easy to go the other direction and think I can't be fooled anymore. Well, I could be. And if this one relationship that isn't even a relationship yet gets to that point, there probably will be a background check... and a pre-nup if we decide to marry... or I'll maintain completely separate finances. This guy is a man of some means. Of course, he could be mortgaged out the yin-yang, too... LOL. He's just as wary of me, which is a good sign.

But it's far too soon for that. We are still telling each other the current basic data about ourselves... and talking about homesteading topics... and walking through this step pretty slowly. He works sun up/sun down on his place -- and I'm still trying to get my head above the water line here, emotionally* (which I don't share much at all with him yet - that's too "sticky-icky" for a new friend) and un-burying myself from the weight of all the paper & other "stuff" that Mike left me with. So we don't even talk every day. Just being friends - for now - seems to suit both of us and there's no suggestion or rush for more than that. Yes, my old "need" whispers stupid stuff in my ear every now and then... but I've been watching for it and most assuredly am NOT afraid of being alone with myself anymore. That seemed to be the crux of all the stuff I worked out in therapy -- from one angle, anyway.

* On the processing the grief front, I seem to be regularly letting go - and fly - some anger lately. Just found another stash of stash of stuff that he promised to throw away and then hid from me. Sigh. I feel like I'm cleaning the aegean stables... which, in itself, is an old, old image that dates back to Twiggy days. I've been able to journal some - about letting go and moving forward at the same time - and how I'm working that process. I haven't felt that great, because I'm working in a lot of pollen and dirt and dust... and now we have another swamp fire that's beginning to send some fine ash our way too. I guess I'll break out the dust mask for working; I have been using Mike's rescue inhaler enough to be able to breathe at night without waking myself up coughing.

Also working through more "can'ts"... sometimes with flying colors, and sometimes with an "oops". My "oops" was trying to back up the boat trailer to where we've had it stored alongside the house, with the 22 ft long pickup truck. Trailers have tall poles on the back corner so a person can visually tell where it is.... IF you're looking at it. I guess I was looking at the other side, when I realized the nearest side to the house had caught on the door side lamp and pushed it off the wall. Hopefully the electricians will be here before it rains to see if it's possible to put it back on. Landscapers weed-eated my ground cover too... which was blooming; creeping phlox. Sigh. I can't care too much, since I'm so HAPPY to have the rest of the work they did done. Maybe it'll grow back. (This means they probably got the raspberries I put back there, too.)

The success, is that I CAN drive the pickup if I channel my "inner redneck" - LOL. The clutch and engine are just picky enough that you can't be gentle or tentative - you gotta drive it like you mean it. Manhandle it, it other words.

[Gaining Strength]

Love your writing Skeptikal.  It feels so grounded, do well thought through, so real.

Love to read your progress.

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks TT. That's a useful site and I like how clearly she writes; specifics. I've had a productive week, so I'm going to hit the grocery store today and take the rest of the day off. Having something to read while I rest is great! Thank you.

New penpal runs a lot more to the other end of the scale... I get the distinct impression he's looking for a "work partner"; someone who shares many of the same interests and values; is practical to a fault... and has skills to compliment his areas of interest & expertise. The prototypical "geezers" relationship, I guess we could call it. He did make one short statement that any arrangement would need to be caring, as well.

If anything it was Michael that fit her description. But I think his neediness came from a place of real, low self-esteem; and a severe emotional wound as a young adult. And no, I didn't really trust in it, at the time. I kicked myself pretty good for being a real fool... and recognize the "too good to be true" feeling. He doted on me, was very gentle with me and supportive... and we were highly compatible except for the few things y'all have heard me complain about over the years. But it was a "velcro" relationship - any attempt to have my space; a bit of life that didn't include him and was just mine - was a threat to him. A rejection. Negation of his idea of "relationship".

My current list of "can'ts" that I'm working through all came about because Mike stepped right up into whatever role he saw as being the male's "province" - he drove everywhere and it was a rare occurrence for him to be a passenger while I drove. Same with social situations... he picked out what we went to. And if I suggested something I wanted to do... well, he encouraged me to go, but then would mope around and feel sorry for himself (yeah, emo-blackmail to make me feel guilty; I didn't fall for that) while I was gone. Or expressed how he worried about me... ie, creating the image/message that I wasn't an adult who could perfectly well take care of herself. Because that logic led to his mistaken idea that I didn't "need" him... which in his mind, was a rejection.

But he was very giving and sweet, right up to the end. (He was also pretty crabby and irritated and demanding and willful, too.) But not an N. Even though he fits a lot of the patterns. So thoughtful of others. And never needed anything back. Maybe there's such a thing as a playful harmless N, I dunno. I do know, that as I age I probably will need to depend on someone else more than I do now. But for now, at long long last, I feel like I am in the space where I "can" ... a lot of things. And I'm being real protective of that space and won't be giving that up easily or without some "negotiations of terms" ahead of time. Not until I'm ready.