Becoming "me"

[Hopalong]

I don't think you sound dysfunctional at all.
Completely sound. (Except for the guilt part, and I understand why fear is tinging curtain-purchasing too...the IRS will come smack you. Not rational --the two areas don't really overlap--but makes sense, since rational isn't the only thing going thank god...)

I think one SHOULD feel sick of that estate tedium. I hyperventilate at the thought. Regardless of whether I COULD be taught to do all that competently, I would hate every second of it.

Wanting to roll in green grass, hunt mushrooms or celebrate your new sense of precious time? And deserved slower pace in your 60s? I think that's another normal and healthy, healthy thing.

Your ToDos are becoming WhyDos.

That's wonderful. Sanity.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

I think you've been holding on to stuff longer than mere months, IMO. 

I know I have. 

Maybe the Mike stuff is a catalyst for finally dealing with things you haven't had a chance to process?

Blathering it out.... just letting it all come out.... is a necessary thing.... I think. 

Nope.
I know. 
It needs to come out, so keep blathering. 

I brought up the chemical dump component on the resistance thread...... I do think that has some part in the equation, at least part of the time.  A little jolt of crisis, a drop of adrenaline followed by frenzied productive activity.... is that familiar to you at all?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Yep, I do recognize that cycle Lighter. But the thing that is frustrating me, is why some days I can address the top items on the list, one after another at a decent pace... and put in a full day, while others I can't even make myself do the EASY stuff, that I like to do.

I'm gonna think on whether I'm "holding onto" some things (I take it you don't mean material "stuff") longer than is necessary to completely process it.

[Hopalong]

Maybe some days you can't even do the easy stuff that you like to do, because you're overdoing doing and deep in, your inner self is stubbornly (and wisely) saying, No. Need inactivity right now. Need to hit Stop.

You realize what an intense and nearly nonstop crisis-loss-pack-repair-move-unpack-repair-reroot treadmill you've been on since Mike died?

Really intense. Even though you have such a strong drive TO DO, I am wondering if your mighty will has really over-ridden your psyche's need for NOT DOING and it's now expressing its need for rest/stillness/inactivity this way. (Hah. I'll sabotage her ToDo list even with the stuff she ordinarily likes, and get her all confused about Why, because she thinks she can Think her way to the answer.)

You got plenty of Why, imo. (Wanna hie yourself to a local Friends meeting or meditation group? If you're having trouble wrassling your mind to stillness breaks on your own, maybe a silent sit with others would help. Or not, different strokes....)

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I have "gathering momentum" energy. Futzing around doing the little projects that I know I can handle all by myself; that I don't have to ask anyone's opinion about - because I know it's a functional improvement and yes, it DOES look better too. Putting a coat or two of Polyurethane on the window sills, then caulking the air gaps between the boards & the wall -- saving that expensive heat. Painting the ceiling over the tub/shower in my bath bright white - to a) make it brighter in there and b) help moisture proof the wood. (I still feel a little bad about painting the exposed side of one beam - but it would've looked funny if I didn't.)

After all the suggestions and ideas I've gotten from other people - and the big projects that are going to require contractors that I just don't feel I can start yet because I'm still unpacking - these were the two projects that I cared enough about to pick up the supplies on my various town runs. There are some others like this - the kind of detail oriented, "some patience required" projects that give a solid base "canvas" to then decorate from.

I'm going to have to shift back to some paperwork this week. If I can get that all organized and OFF the list, then perhaps I can start moving into the next phase of making those alterations that either provide functionality, safety, or coziness. I did order the curtains for kitchen & dining room Hops. Oy - what things cost these days; or maybe it's just that my taste in these things has bumped up the price tier. Ordering insulating curtains to go over existing blinds and I still need to decide what kind of blinds/shutters I'm putting in the kitchen. Shutters are real easy to keep clean.

The catalogs have followed me here. I've been spending time looking, measuring, visually arranging puzzle pieces in my mind's eye. Now that I'm working in my bedroom/bath... I've noticed that the "new color" is a blush pink. Pink isn't a color I gravitate to... BUT it looks really soft & feminine (what? who, me??) with a warm gray and black accents.

The "flavor" of the house shifts too. Kitchen/dining is decidely "country cottage". But the main living room/entrance are industrial modern post & beam cabin... and my bedroom is going...   somewhere. I think maybe French country -- which I've always loved, but since I had to consider a guy's comfort with that look -- I never indulged myself in.

I'm making garden plans, too. It would be so easy to bite off more than I can chew at any one time again, overwhelm myself and make myself miserable -- a feeling of not being free to go away from home to do other kinds of things -- so I'm going to focus on a kitchen bed near the house. The main garden area needs a LOT of work - soil improvement, fence, logistically laying it out to make it easy to work. That doesn't get done in one spring. While that's going on... I'm also looking at the 2 old chicken coops and wondering whether it's worth trying to move them closer or just start over or -- or maybe I don't want to be tied down taking care of critters at all.

Especially since I haven't spent any time at all out in the garage/studio. And I truly need to do that.

Yesterday was supposed to be 47 and rain. Well, it started out that way - then turned to a serious sleet storm, then 2 inches of wet snow that's sticking to all the trees. When I look outside I'm surrounded by white. And it's spitting snow again. A good day to see what I can accomplish with papers, empty cardboard boxes, etc.

[lighter]

Yep, I do recognize that cycle Lighter. But the thing that is frustrating me, is why some days I can address the top items on the list, one after another at a decent pace... and put in a full day, while others I can't even make myself do the EASY stuff, that I like to do.

I'm gonna think on whether I'm "holding onto" some things (I take it you don't mean material "stuff") longer than is necessary to completely process it.

Amber:

I'm beginning to think it's got something to do with what's going in internally.... whether we realize it or not.  What we have going on, what we're worrying about, IF we have any control over it, do we have hope we can make changes (sans FOG), to alter our PLACE in the situation..... or do we have some feeling, unconscious or no, that we're stuck in it..... not seeing alternatives and options.

About the decorating..... I like the light airy feel of French Country decorating.  Esp when one manages clean and uncluttered aspects, which I struggle with.

When you wrote about the chicken coups...... my thought was....  move the coup in best repair closer to the house, and start with fewer chickens... you can always add more.  Whatever you do, it's not something you can't change your mind about. 

It might be good if you could locate a local motivated teen to help out, esp while you're traveling.  Having someone meet the gas man, or check to see if the electricity is out, etc.... not to mention watering the garden and feeding chickens while you travel sounds like it could be a win win situation?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

The place came with someone who was already used to doing those things, Lighter. LOL. In exchange for hunting privileges. Not that I have much land to hunt. But, the access into hundreds of acres runs through my place and I've let the guys use a small shed to camp overnight here.

I found the energy to disinfect the bathroom to my satisfaction yesterday. It wasn't as bad as it seemed to me. The folks looking at the beach house, narrowing their decision down to two places, chose the other one. Which is why I wasn't getting all excited and making plans on where to invest any profits in this place. I sure would've LIKED to have sold it, but I'm OK being patient too.

Friday, I stopped finally to look at and price garden sheds. The little one I let the hunters use might've been big enough for my hand tools & wagons - but nothing else. And I'm pretty sure now I'm buying one of those multi-purpose utility vehicles instead of a tractor. Stuff lasts longer when you can store it out of the weather. Today might be a planning/budget day. With spring around the corner, I need to make firm decisions about the big jobs and get those estimates in... and move down the priority list.

I'm pretty comfortable with this "rent-a-man" situation. You don't have to housebreak them and put up with their bad habits... and when you say you want something done, they get right on it for the paycheck. That goes back into my local economy, so I'm perfectly willing to pay someone to do what I'd best not attempt to do myself - for fear of hurting myself or having the job drag out 10x longer than it should. I'm easily entertained and understand enough about most jobs that I'm not one of those customers that drives them crazy, either.

Lighter, you are probably right that there are internal things going on that maybe aren't conscious yet. There's a lot of stuff going on in my dreams; because I'm not looking for any answers to anything at the moment - I'm not trying to remember what they're about. Just letting whatever is going on - happen. As Hops has pointed out, the last couple years have been out the roof on the "life stress" tables for me. And even if I'm coping better than ever before with that kind of thing... it DOES exact a price.

It's funny that Hops is always reminding me to be still and not just do-do-do all the time... but my D feels like I'm just doing nothing too much... and of course guesses wrong about the reason (not emotionally out balance in any direction; just TIRED - physically and want to do some quiet fun things for a change.) Raspberries and LOLs to both of you! You can only feed back to me from what I tell ya, and that's maybe the biggest thing I've noticed lately.

For all I blather words online, I'm not really communicating well again. Like this is another clue to an internal process going on... and the "expression" and "communication" is coming through my hands in other more concrete ways... like the stuff on the house, the decisions I'm making about "stuff", the exploring/shopping/designing going on in my head about storage/bookshelves... raised beds and seeds... and what and how I envision myself actually living and working; doing in this place.

It's kinda like the state of an infant - just absorbing all the sights, sounds, touch and feelings of the new world around him/her. This is such a departure from my normally one on one connection with another, to go through living with... and I radically changed my physical environment... it's taking time - lots of time - just to find the right wavelengths to be in harmony here. So far, the person who best understands this... is H's man - Matt. Of course, he's a working artist too. While there are a lot of differences in our persuasions, we really connect on that creative wavelength and it's nice to be able to talk to someone who can "see" what you can only vaguely indicate through words. Together we might be able to construct a sentence that communicates what we're aware of. LOL.

It's a silly thing. And probably doesn't need fixing... just living through till the energy shifts to something else. I always see a little more each time though.

[lighter]

Amber:

The house came with a helper guy?  I don't remember reading that.  With all you have going on it's a relief.

About your dreams.... you may not be trying to figure them out, but if you jot then down you may be glad you did later on.   

Your beach house didn't sell, but the one the buyers chose is not longer available.  Yours will likely be the next.  It hasn't been on the market that long.  I'm curious what the realtor is saying about it.

Whatever you do..... these are your decisions.  Learning to navigate solo is big change...
it takes time.  Soon there will be comfort in new habits, and new habits become pleasures, IME.

In the meantime.... when you need to rest.... rest. 

Sometimes we need to be still, quiet and alone, and that's OK too. 
Lighter







 

[sKePTiKal]

There is big stuff coming up. Twiggy stuff. AGAIN. (well, duh... she didn't just go away)

What Lighter was telling Tupps, about fear and suvival, hits home for me too. As ever, there is also a physical component for me - or at least it's a "symptom radar" and "method of correcting balance". It's not QUITE verbal yet, so this is just a "preview".

Trauma, dissociation, and trusting one's self... and breaking the INvalidating conditioning in our heads & hearts.

I read a fabulous quote about training the other day (I need to actually copy it here, but time is running short)... the essence was, that in order to change our habits - we have to be willing to sacrifice something of us from our "now"... so that we can be or be able to do something in the future. There has to be that exchange. E=mc2 right? But it's also a way to exchange something that "doesn't fit" with our goals for ourselves... for something that does. It's a letting go, to make room for something else.

[lighter]

Yes, Amber! 

What do we need to face, and prune to make room for something else... that serves us better in the future.  It feels like alchemy from here.

((((Amber))))

I hope your dental appointment is over quickly with the best possible outcome.

Rest, and let us know how you're doing.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I now have a bionic tooth instead a gap.

All this talk & sharing of our individual struggles has uncorked the "chatty cathy" again. (I'm sure you noticed.) It was really warm at the beach - and I slept with the door to the room open to the sound of the waves, just over the dune. But at 5:30 am, I was woken by what I interpreted in my half-awake state as an earthquake - which turned out to be thunder & lightning. In February.

The drive down & back didn't bother me as much this time. I was more relaxed, didn't let my mind wander from the task of driving (much), only had the one thing to do there... and realized that I'd be driving the most difficult stretch after dark, coming home. It's two-lane twisties through the mountains. The oncoming lights REALLY bother me, and I drive too slow for most people. It's that last part that bothers me the most - but I was determined not to overdrive my "comfort zone". With practice, I'll learn the curves, and how fast I can drive them in the daylight and I won't be such an obstacle in the dark. Some of the big trucks were slower than me, so there.

I thought about stopping by the house; but since I'd looked at the pictures online and they invoked sadness for all the past good times I lived there with a bunch of happy people I decided it wasn't a good idea. I didn't HAVE to be there for any reason and I don't think I would've had some great epiphany making myself do it, either. I could've touched everything again; stood on the spot where Mike last was in the house... but seriously: besides invoking sadness, and releasing some more tears and sadness - of what benefit would that be? I can do that up in the mountains just as well.

There is some uncertainty about the people who looked at the house 3 times. Sent realtor an email saying they were getting ready to offer soon. They just didn't say which house. LOL. So we're holding off reducing the price for a month or so. It would be a serious price adjustment to compete with the next tier lower in that neighborhood... and my neighbors who are selling are still priced rediculously high (while the maintenance has been neglected)... so I'll wait.

I have, of course, a long list of have-tos and want-tos at the new place but the pace I'm working right now is leaving me plenty of quiet time and just unpack and "look" time. More stuff is going to need to be purged - but that can happen alongside repairs, improvements and gardening. My online WV friend who just lost her "Mike"... is doing pretty well. Maybe better than I was initially. Different people, different processes. I feel pretty well along the acceptance path now... but I still have my moments of tears and sadness; feeling bereft of the the "other half of me".

And I'm still having a strong pull to connect with, talk to, get validation from men for some of my ideas about living here. But I'm also reluctant to talk too much, give anyone the idea that I'm a vulnerable widow and easily taken advantage of. And I'm having to confront the issue of security and self-defense here. My "helper" has backed off and I don't see him much now. But when I call or text him, he's right there. That's a little more comfortable for me - and I know he's working a lot trying to get ready to build on some land he's bought, for his family.

I'm not jumpy about being out here alone. BUT, I am aware of some no-good-niks around me and my hearing at night is like a superpower. LOL. I can most of the time identify things. But the fake owl calls I heard one night - OBVIOUSLY - someone in the woods around me, put me on alert. I mentioned it to my helper - and from his reponse, it might've been him & his buddy; he said he'd let me know if they were out in the woods hunting at night. I told him it's probably safer that way. LOL.

So, I'm thinking a lot of things through about moving forward here. Always trying to remember that I have a tendency to dive into the deep end and bite off more than I can chew. The big garden, therefore, might get started this year - but mostly in loosening the soil, amending it, cover crop, garden shed, etc. I'm real conscious about not wanting to be a slave to the garden... because there's the studio and the workshop... and some other projects I want to do too. As well as get out into my community more - and also my little cabin, a couple hours away.

[Hopalong]

Security: Awesome huge rescue dog who loves you more than anything. I live with a 20-pound version of this who can keep anything away. Cat person? Oh, come on over to the dark, wagging/drooling side...cozy.

Ideas about living there and getting male buy-in: You can just live there because you want to. You don't need to build a justification.

Grief and nostalgia on beach trip: Oh yes. Owww.

Twiggy visits: You do get more cerebral when she surfaces. But it helps you. And it doesn't invalidate all the healing and releasing you've done previously one iota. She's a touchstone but she's not you now.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

At some point recently, I've discovered that doing more naval-gazing, rehashing old compost/sifting, is simply a deja vu experience. BTDT already. There just isn't any more treasure under those rocks, that I've missed. Touchstone, perhaps... perhaps there is value in visiting old places; old being. But there isn't a lot of relevance or meaning in the present - and it feels entirely forced, square peg in round hole - to try to contrive a "meaning" or "purpose".

Sure, some of the issues from the past still echo in the present. Like hearing an old song on the radio, that you've forgotten, will evoke nostalgia for times past.

It's really good for me to have some simple downtime; quiet time. But more isn't always better, in this case. I'm mildly depressed & really bored because of the "nothing going on" and talking about dogs and the bonding that I'm not doing currently, because there is no one to bond to. I've been "in my head" so much the past year - and successfully so - that I've used up what benefits there are to that way of dealing with the change in my life. The emotional stuff has poured out of me like a damn volcano with heartburn. And I'm left hollow with the wind whistling through the places where intention, projects - making things and "making things so", and engaging with other people should be.

A way forward to whatever the next phase is; restless, annoyed energy not assigned to any purpose. I just can't stand February. Thankfully it's a short month. I'm all caught up on sleep. Politics have become irrelevant, since I'm having a really difficult time finding the logic in how "identity" or "self" is a political statement... which seems to be popular lately. I'm as whole as I'm gonna get - and whether I find new people to bond with or not (I'm already connected to quite a few in varying degrees) - it feels like time to "go forth and conquer" again.

No, there's no "master list" - it's just all in my head and has been rehersed and what-if'd ad nauseum. I know it's going to change as soon as I start getting on with it anyway. And I can handle that. It wouldn't be any fun at all if there weren't "surprises", problem to solve, things to fix... or puzzles to figure out.

Look out world; she's on a roll again.

[sKePTiKal]

My current hamster-wheel thought cycle:

Not trusting my self - mostly decision-making/judgement
Seeking validation - mostly from men (the "daddy" abandonment deal)
Recognizing that not all the above input is wise/or fits me and my current situation
Judging myself for seeking external validation...

Not trusting myself.

 

I think this has to do with perfectionism, somewhat. In that making a mistake is a - gasp! fatal flaw - when it happens. And of course, I recognize where most of the unfair "judgement" I've suffered comes from (thanks, mom)... and it IS internalized, because SHAME and HUMILIATION.

One of Hops' comments about "fear of judgement" kind of rang the bell on getting all these steps to appear concisely on the conscious screen.

The only way out is through... so, while I still need to consult with guys who know a lot of the how-to information on some of my projects... I need to step back, after getting said advice and allow myself the actual PERMISSION to do what I want, how I want to do it (even with the educational input) and allow myself to make mistakes. Without beating myself up over it.

I suspect, as I experiment with ways through this endless cycle... I'm going to find it has a lot to do with the pouty, resistant inner child too.

[Hopalong]

The thing I admire about you, PR, is that being nonfunctional or down enough to be "off" is so RARE with you.
It's extraordinary how much discipline and drive you have. I admire that tremendously.

I collapse into a puddle of laziness at the wisp of a breeze.

Much shame, much distress over it.

Your accounts of the To Dos are actually awe-inspiring. While I often celebrate your lapses into Why-Do, and maybe giving yourself more space to just BE....on my end, it's an enormous issue to ... well, To-Do. I have been so down and discouraged I stopped making the lists at all, and hide in bed escaping on weekends. Not proud.

love,
Hops