Continued healing

[Gaining Strength]

Funny you should say Lighter - I usually drink substantial amounts of water but have hardly finished a glass a day  recently. Thanks for the reminder

[Gaining Strength]

I'm facing a difficult circumstance and I totally get why I have not responded to calls, emails etc.

My father's, cousin's widow who lives a few hours away asked me to fly with her to her granddaughter's wedding in June.  I said I would.

In doing so I made a couple of assumptions - that my 15 year old son was included for one.  A few weeks later I received a save the date email sent to many.  It stated that children were not included.  Nothing specific was addressed to me about my child.  Now, my child is 15 and has only one relative - ME.  So that sank me a bit.  Plus thinking about the cost of the travel and other expenses.  Then add to it the profound depression and anxiety over the past couple of months.

Then add to it, the cousin contracted a form of cancer and the prognosis isn't great.  Do 3 weeks ago I started getting messages from her daughter who lives in Africa but has come home to care for her mother and help with wedding arrangements. 

Bottom line is, the whole thing us so overwhelming for me.  It is the expectations that are not directly addressed.  I am feeling so out on a limb - obligated - even though her only don isn't going because he and his wife have a trip planned.  My reaction is not rational, it comes from shame of bring asked to do something that causes me hardship balanced with the appreciation of being included by the cousin.  She has genuinely been kind to me especially in recent years. 

It is a bind - and I shut down in a bind.  Every DSL for 3 weeks I have said to myself that I would call the next day. And now do much time has passed.  But I have to do something.

Any thoughts?  I would explain about the depression.  Even though few understand how crippling it can be.  But I think that is the way to go if I could just pick up the dang phone.

[Twoapenny]

Oh GS, you are in such a difficult place right now, I'm so sorry and so behind on reading threads that I'm only just catching up on your situation and goodness, I have been in these dark places myself and they are tough, tough times.

Re the wedding, I am wondering whether just an honest phone call, or perhaps email if that is easier, explaining, as you do so well, that your health is not great, plus the situation with your son is making attending difficult.  I struggle with letting down (as I see it) people who have been good/kind to me but also know if people really get you they understand where you are coming from.  And then perhaps a lovely gift with a nice letter reiterating how much you appreciate your cousin's kindness, now and in the past, and perhaps some sort of tentative plan for you to visit them when you are feeling better and your son can go as well (or whatever situation works practically)?  You could have a sort of wedding re-run going through the photos and video of the day at some later stage.

I really resonated with your post about resentment leading to self sabotage; I do think the difficulties in my life have been my way of saying "Look what you did to me, look how much you hurt me" to my parents - not consciously of course but it makes sense to me that I couldn't say they caused me all that pain and be having a wonderful time.  I'm very painfully reminded of my mum dismissing my step-father sexually abusing me, her argument basically being that as I'd had a child I'd obviously had sex so the abuse couldn't have been too bad.  I'm starting to wonder if that's why I've been single for so long!

With regards to those terrible black moods, which I used to suffer from frequently, I used to find that focusing on the next ten minutes got me through.  In the next ten minutes I'll clean my teeth.  In the next ten minutes I'll put some clothes on.  In the next ten minutes I'll eat a piece of toast.  Just one chunk at a time, one little, achievable goal in that time.  I remember how bad it felt so my heart aches for you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))) sending you strength and lots of love xx

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))

Can you write this kind cousin:

"I so want to accompany you, and am very glad you asked me.
But I'm honestly in a bind. The invitation excludes children, but I can't afford arrangements for
him to have a companion while I'm away. Unfortunately,
there aren't relatives available I can send him to right now.

What do you think I should do?"

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

OK, y'all have to tell me if I'm way out in left field.

Usually the "no children" on an invite refers to the little ones - not teenaged young men. I'm having a hard time seeing how he would be disruptive to the ceremony or reception. So, that's what I would be asking about - is if Richard could escort you. Including him could ease the difficulty of travel these days, too.

On the personal side of the decision... if you aren't feeling up to socializing and being leaned on for support yourself: there is no obligation, except to take care of yourself. There might be disappointment for your cousin, because you weren't able to go along, but people own their own feelings... even if it was your choice/decision that evoked that disappointment. People own their own feelings -- they don't own people. As the grown up GS, you are responsible for protecting and caring for the little girl GS that is trying to understand and heal... looking at it that way, what would you decide?

Just wait till you get to the point, you're having to make that little you do things she doesn't want to do - at all - because it really is necessary to "growing up", "letting go" and healing. You might kinda be there now. The little inner children are tenacious, and when the topic is resentment in particular, they can be vicious. This all dances around the fact of the heart wound that hurts so much.

Hang in there - you have superb judgement - and there's simply no shame in not feeling up to attending even a happy occasion. It's just you taking care of you - FIRST, before other people.

[Hopalong]

I agree with Amber.

But I'd ask your son whether he would be willing to/like to go, before proposing that alternative.

Sorry I didn't understand the dilemma!

hug
Hops
.

[Gaining Strength]

Reading.  Appreciating comments. 

Will respond.

Having very bad day.

[Twoapenny]

Reading.  Appreciating comments. 

Will respond.

Having very bad day.

We're all here, GS, you're not alone.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Gaining Strength)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Thinking of you, GS, and what you are going through...

Richard

[sKePTiKal]

Stopping by to say hi... how are you?

Have you found where the edges of you are yet? And where they touch the things you've lived through? (They ARE different things.) What connects them is that swirling mass of emotions - some blending easily from you to the experiences & back; and some staying lumpy & chunky & crunchy and resistant to processing. I'm still trying to figure what a good laxative for emotions is... LOL. To ease emotional constipation.        

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you for your support.  I slipped into a dark hole briefly.

I continue to connect with the profound shaming and the small but vast traumas from childhood.  I am more convinced that I am processing them bit by bit.  I came across this piece by Peter Levine whose work has been helpful to me.  This piece supports my own experience of shut-down.  It further encourages me that I am on the right path.  It is slow - which I hate but I have no choice. I'm must keep pushing

http://www.nicabm.com/peterlevine-trauma/free-report/

[Gaining Strength]

"The child learns that they must set aside the things that are important to them or the things that they would like to do, because it is only what the NPD parent wants that counts. The parent always places their own desires and needs before the child, often cloaking this with the altruistic statement that the parent is just doing what is best for the child. The child has no real choice not to buy into their parent’s plan for them, even if the child has no desire or any real talent for the activity that the parent is forcing them to do. Emotional blackmail is a given. On the other hand, some NPD parents will simply ignore any achievement that the child makes on their own, and may even belittle the achievement in private while taking full credit for the child’s accomplishment in public, if the accomplishment reflects the NPD parent as parent of the year."

Really struggling.  More and more bubbling to the surface.

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))

All I can say is, arms....
let it lift, let hope in for you.

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Hops.

[Gaining Strength]

I have spent my life trying to avoid this pain.  But for the past dozen years the way I have coped is to shut down.  I finally figured out that putting myself in action triggered painful anxiety anticipating the humiliation to come from my parents.  That is where I am.  Right in the middle of this pain, learning not to cover it up.  What I do to cover it now is zoning out for hours on the Internet.  But I am agreeing to let the big time offenders go for a while. 

I either function or sit still.  I may have to include unscheduled television as well. It is time to let the pain in and move through it.  I know I can do this.  I am stuck in young childhood, longing for the help I needed from my parents, the instruction and encouragement and support that was replaced with humiliation instead.