Lighter update

[sKePTiKal]

Ligher, what you said on Tupp's feeling input thread started up a bell chorus here. Boy do I relate to what you said. There is a lot there that helps too.

As for the cleaning out, I find I have to give myself breaks at each perimeter - a closet a room, etc. Choose something I want - even if it's just tv/movie time. But now, I'm moving on to getting out some more, and practicing some skills that I had started learning. It means talking, being myself (without my schmoozy hubs) and re-gaining my joy of discipline & training.

[lighter]

OK.... no pain in my brain today.  More like I have sinuses in my brain that are a little tweaky, if that makes sense.  What a beautiful day.  My dd15 worked hard on her school work, and had a two hour meeting with a career/life/university coach.  DD very interested in working with her, and they set up a schedule with DD taking the lead. 

sKeP:  I have to take breaks from organizing the house too.  I can't imagine not taking time away from that kind of work.

Lighter

[lighter]

I played in the dirt yesterday.  It was marvelous!

I figured out where the larger Hosta plants will be planted.  The root ferns will be added around them today.  Such beautiful weather.  The back yard's looking so serene, and I have a napping nest of comfy pillows and blankets on a wide heavy bench on the covered porch.  I'm just sure I'll nap there one day.  

The Hosta garden around my shed is in the planning.

Happiness hit when I was digging little hosta plants, where they'd crept into the mossy yard.  They're popping up everywhere.... must be over 100.  They're part of the Hosta garden plan.  So happy not to have to pay for everything, though I did buy roots of particular Hosta I love and will mix in.  Time flew by.... I forgot how much I love to work with shade plantings.  Walking meditation, it is.
 
Our pug puppy girl nibbled Hosta shoots as I worked.  This is her first Spring, and watching her explore the yard, and all the new growing things, was nice.

The house..... I'm attacking in typical Lighter fashion.  Working on more than one thing at a time, with nothing finished.  I actually think my clothes are done EXCEPT I know I'll move all the things, besides clothing, around.... paint, medicines/first aid stuff, etc.  I already moved my desk back into the other closet, and took out the headboard and sleeping bench.  That room has ventilation, most excellent dual lighting.... very bright and wall mounted reading light that's very easy on the eyes... outlets.   I could move copier in there I guess.  Would be very handy.  There's a small flat screen tv.  I was thining of moving it to the master bathroom, which is next on renovation list.  

::sigh::

It's looking like that needs to be all office, and my clothes will be housed with paints.  ::shaking head:: That's bothering me.  

I guess I'll pull out all the drugs/first aid and figure out another plan for those, then use the large book case for paint supplies..... it would be better for clothes though.  See.... the closets are too large for just my clothes or just a desk.... I have to pare this down, and FINISH.  Ahhhh the first aid/pharm is so easy to FIND stuff on that bookcase.  I do love large roomy bookcases.... so tall, and handy.  I wish I had the match down here, but dd13 loves it in her room.

Did you know they sell disco ball type light bulbs now?  That's going in DD13's room.  Her room's eclectic.... cool antiques... old post office cubby piece from 1920's, lots of shelves, and cool things all over the walls with vaulted ceiling.    THere's a blowup mattress under her day bed, and her large hallway like closet running behind her entire bedroom has a twin bed made up for company in it, very cool too for teen guests.

I just moved one of the large desks out of her room to dd15's room.  They have very different styles....one is shabby chic, clear blue sky blue walls, with distressed white shabby chic painted antique bedroom suit featuring antique rabbit heads mounted on front of the chest of drawers and small armoir.  The inside of drawers are painted pale pink... Very serene, and bright... and girly.

The other room's focal point is a HUGE carved wood/painted carnival sign, mixed with antiques, posters, and interesting lighting..... there's a huge Tiffany style light hanging in one corner, multi colored lights around the window, a very tall easle covered with multi colored lights topped with a fez, and under counter lights inside the large book case in the entrance..... it houses all her anime fan stuff.   An old birdhouse turned into a light.... the room is awesome.

We're readying to make armor out of foam for upcoming anime event costumes.  DD13 is over the top thrilled about upcoming anime event in July... it's just 10 minutes away from us, and she's going all out.  

That's my update.

Lighter

 

[Twoapenny]

The descriptions of your girls' bedrooms made me smile!  I had a friend when I was very young - eight or nine - and she lived in a huge house that was three or four hundred years old.  It had secret passages and a wood panel library, just like you see on films, and a hidey hole in the stair case (I think they called them Priest Holes).  It was just the most amazing place and her room was incredible; her mum was an artist so she just had all this really cool, amazing stuff - no buying out the catalogue and paying weekly for her!  A four poster bed and curtains that were made out of all sorts of bits of fabric; pillows with feathers and sequins on them, loads of book shelves and toy boxes.  I used to love going there.  Reading about your girls' rooms took me right back   And the puppy!  I do love puppies

[lighter]

  And the puppy!  I do love puppies

::nodding::

Gotta love puppies; )

[lighter]

I just realized I've spent the last 15 years raising children as a priority in my life.
I've been tremendously fulfilled, and committed to the task, but......

As the kids get older, I'm adjusting and shifting into "what next?" mode.

I can actually see the space that will be left when they're off to University, and I'm looking forward to filling it.

Figuring out how to go back to school, sooner than later, while keeping them on track looks tricky to me.   I'll figure it out if it can be figured out.

My DD15 is going back to regular school next week after taking off approx 2 months time to catch up school work at home with support of T, and Brain Integration.  She's having mostly good days, but I'm alarmed when she's having days that seem less than positive, even if I'm not sure.  I want to unhook the wires to the ALARM. 

I have to breath deep, take a step back, and gently handle her without judgement or insistence she open up, bc I remember how much I really disliked my mother and sister's tones of crisis/insistence I drop everything and handle them/their needs/emotions NOW.   My niece said I have that tone, to a lesser extent, as well last summer..... I don't want to live with that playing in my background.

Food for thought.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

GOOD for you, Lighter.

For hearing and respecting your neice's observation.

Oh, that bodes well.

Bravo,
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops: )

BTW, dd15 today decided she needsmore support than her current school can provide, which IMO has been amazing.

She's asking for it, so.....   

I'm researching the closest Wilderness Program, and did you know...

1.  The kids are typically in program for 3 or so months?  We're thinking dd will be there about 4 mo.  The statistics show that kids who go through wilderness camp tend to do much better in the next phase, whatever that turns out to be, than counterparts who didn't attend.

2.  The kiddos go into the great outdoors with backpacks, and water filtration systems bc they're going to be drawing water from a stream, and filtering it, presumably while sitting or standing next to the tents they'll be living in for 2 weeks at a time.   

3. There's a new base camp where the kids can shower in between 2 week hikes.  

4.  The food is mostly beans and rice, or hummus and pita bread, that sort of thing.  PB&J and envelopes of tuna, etc.  I can't send g/s/d free foods.  I can't send any foods. 

5.  I'm trying to figure out how to present dd with this same level of challenge and natural consequences without all the sweating with bugs.  Any ideas?  She needs to grow up, embrace personal responsibility, and receive proper guidance/therapy through the process, IMO.

She;s a really good kid.... no drugs, or boy craziness, or defiance.... loves gardening with me, and she plays piano and lets me sing while she gently hum/carries me through the high notes.  Its more a very gentle and honest refusal to rise, and she's asking me to help her figure this out.  Her grades are excellent, and school is pretty much a breeze.... it's motivation she lacks. 

The T didn't identify depression, bc you think of that up front, right?  Just a lack of will to rise, along with avoidant coping strategies.  The goal is to relieve those strategies, and teach healthier ones.   Build confidence, and self reliance..... personal responsibility.   

::shaking head::

I wish there was some kitty cat role playing story time camp that offered the same challenges... but with ac, and more food options.

Honestly..... dd is a nerd with a very bright mind.  I'm told she'd be mixed in with a "soft" group of kids her age dealing mostly with bonding issues, and some trauma, so no detoxing, ODD 17yo's in her group.   

She's going to have to rise.... likely starting next week. 

Lighter

[lighter]

I decided on a Camp.

It was such a relief to feeeeeel it's going to address the maturity, responsibility aspects of dd's journey, and not have any reservations about it. 

I feel really positive/less anxious, bc the program is geared to kids dealing with the same issues as dd15. 

Whew.  What a roller coaster.

Lighter 

[mudpuppy]

You keep saying "rise".
What's that mean in this context?
Like a trout after a grasshopper? Might help her out on a wilderness hike but seemingly not of a lot of value otherwise.
I'm guessing not like a trout.

mud

[Gaining Strength]

Lighter. It looks like you have found your answer.  Last year I used a consultant to help us find the right school for my, then 14 year Los who has issues similar to your daughters. It was a great help.  She knew the wilderness and therapeutic schools and traveled to the regularly. 

[lighter]

GS:

How did the wilderness program work out? Specifically?

I'd really like to hear your opinion on the pros and cons.

Hi'ya Brother Mud. 

"Rise" means dd will meet the challenges she's been avoiding. 

Lighter

[mudpuppy]

Gotcha.

mud

[lighter]

Update is positive. 

DD researching programs, and has latched onto program we would have chosen for her.

I don't want to jinx this, so will leave it at that for now.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hmmm. 17....

every option and possibility and choice and emotion in life all settled in around you, staring... arms crossed... demanding that you decide, RIGHT NOW, what the rest of your life is going to be like. When you realize (if you have any self-awareness at all) that you're not even 100% sure you know who your SELF is right now. Hoo boy Howdy. That's a scary place. What if you pick "wrong"? Can you change your mind? Hell, can you - your self - change? Where do you find the answers to those questions????? And who's to say those people know?????

All because you're at a specific age and society expects choices to be made right that moment -- and if you don't make the decision, well... something must be "wrong" with you. If you make a wrong decision (that you want but maybe doesn't make other people happy) will you be shunned? Lose your support system?

It's not that different from being "almost" 60 and finding oneself alone and with all the freedom and choices in the world, too. Give her a big hug from me and tell her you'll always love her -- NO MATTER WHAT.

Some kids are raring to go and know what they want early on. Others change their majors 6 or 7 times in college. This "arbitrary age" and the size and permanence (and expense) of the commitment isn't the right fit for all kids. Some need to get out into the "real world" -- with a lot of support at home -- easing into it. Some are just fine in the college environment. But once again, there is this wacky idea that "one size fits all" and that all students at 17 should be able to make choices like this. And perhaps, when children were beginning to participate in the general chores and economic welfare of the family at much younger ages, that was an appropriate age. But society frowns on that style of parenting these days -- and keeps kids in this over-protective bubble where they don't have the building-block experiences to meet the expectations, which haven't changed over the years. They truly don't have the internalized skills. (This is in general, Lighter... I know you've been working on this with her for a long time. Not a critique of parenting here.)

Any trauma in that kids' childhood just makes things more complicated... and they usually have problems with the idea that they are allowed to have dreams, wishes, wants... and to matter enough to themselves -- to be responsible and determined enough to work for what they want. They may even feel - deep down and hidden somewhere - that IF they allow themselves to matter... bad things will happen. (You know I speak from my own experience, right? May not apply in your D's case; but there could be something else like that bubbling up at this point in her life.)

And I think the wilderness experience is an excellent choice. It should help boost her confidence in what she can do. That "self-efficacy" part of the emotional "nutrition" triad I used to write. Autonomy, self-efficacy and connection. Self-motivation... well, that's always different for everyone; how one arrives at that. Perhaps she'll find it for herself on this trip.