Help with Xmas Matriarchal Naricissim

[Jenocidal]

My entire family has little ability of getting along.  Holding it together for an entire Xmas day dinner is frettful

My sociopathic Nmother and I do not communicate anymore since her melt down on me last spring.  I am not thrilled about the idea of eating a turkey in her presence.  She's done enough damage to me, and I like to consider myself done.

My NGrandmother is trying to host Xmas day and dinner, and that sociopathic narcissist will be present.  

My aunt emailed me yesterday a copy of an email she emailed to my Nmother, telling her what a terrible mother she was to me, and how she needs to go to therapy to heal her relationship with me, her daughter.  

She then stated she would not be attending Xmas day dinner @ my NGrandmother's house if I was not going to be in attendance due to my Nmother being there.

So my aunt wants me to spend Xmad day with her and her son.  My NGrandmother wants me to come to turkey dinner, a dinner that that woman who calls herself my mother will be at (a dinner for two + 1 = uncomfortable).

I'm really rather happy with the energy in my life, and I'd hate for an interaction with my Nmother to stress me out.

I guess I am looking for some feedback on how I should handle these people?

[Anonymous]

Tell your grandmother that you can't make it. It seems she is aware of the problem so I don't know think an explanation is necessary. If you want to see your grandmother, maybe you can visit her the day after Xmas. Don't buy into any guilt trips and proceed with what you want to do. Adults have the privilege of doing whatever they want.

How to handle your mother - avoid her. How to handle your grandmother- firmly.

bunny

[flower]

Hi Jenocidal,

my 2 cents:

 From what you say, your aunt sounds wonderful. She stood up for you.
I wish I had someone like that in my extended family.

It looks like grandmother's invitation has put you in an awkward spot and if she knows your history with your mom... it could be that she just hopes all the trouble between you and your  mom will be swept under the rug. It seems like it might be a good idea to let grandmother  know how serious you are about breaking contact with your mom. But I hope this whole Christmas dinner isn't evolving into a taking of sides. It sounds like your aunt is taking sides with you already. So this may be more complicated than just declining a dinner invitation. Maybe you could just go out of town, thanking your aunt for her support and invitation and thanking your grandmother for her invitation and avoid the relatives altogether.

Or you could just not give a rip about the possible taking sides issue and take up your aunt's invitation to dinner and enjoy the support. Kinda let it all shake out who is on your side.

Just my perspective..

I feel for you and hope you have a peaceful holiday.

[bludie]

Having just talked about this family/holiday business with my therapist yesterday, I find this thread very relevant. Thanks for sharing it Jenocidal.

I would probably skip any family interaction this holiday and find a neat place to hang or some supportive (noncontroversial) friends to be with for the day. If a visit to grandmother is something you want to do, arrange it for after Christmas Day.

I, too, would be leary about accepting your aunt's invitation because, as Flower suggests, this could lead to the taking sides or divide and conquer mentality that exists in my family.

Though my mother lives nearest me, for years my siblings (who are spread throughout the U.S.) have vied and competed to have her at family gatherings being hosted in their home(s) during the holidays.  Since one of my sisters won't speak to/interact with me, there is this unspoken but very ominipresent tension which I've danced around for nearly 5 years. This includes not being invited to gatherings where all other family members are present or having my mother feel uncomfortable in telling me of plans that don't involve me.

Even though I've tried to detach and let go of this dysfunction, it still impacts the relationship with my mother. I've decided this year, in light of the recent breakup with my fiance, that I will make my own plans independent of family. In other words, I won't build expectations (and subsequent resentments) by waiting or hoping to be invited. It's worked out that if my sister (the one who won't speak to me) is invited for an occasion, then I am automatically out of the picture. I am tired of this dynamic and am turning in my dance card (at least for this year's holiday season).

I feel sad but recognize that I can't change them or the situation. And right now, with all that I have on my plate emotionally, I just won't take on or sign up for any more chaos or conflict.

Thanks for letting me share my experience with this, Jenocidal, and for learning from all of you who deal with similiar situations.

[Anonymous]

thank-you for all your responses on this matter.

I had some concern that the issue of taking sides was festering.  And I don't want any part of it.  Xmas has never been a day my immediate family gave precedence to family gatherings anyway.  

Having Xmas dinner with my gNrandmother and Nmother is not my idea of good times.  My aunt has much bagagge from the abuse she sustained from my Nmother and her Nmother as well... so there was concern.

I honestly would prefer letting Xmas slip me by, and enjoy the evening with a few close friends.

I know my Ngramma will be displeased with my not showing up, even tho she fully underdstands, and supports my not speaking with her.

What is basically boils down to is, if i don't show up for Xmas day dinner, then my aunt and cousin won't, in silent protest, in support of my not wanting to attend.  And without me and my aunt and her son, the only people that will be there for turkey dinner will be my Ngramma and my Nmother.  So essentially, The success of this Xmas day depends on me and whether I attend or not. ~ I have better things to worry about.

Thanks for the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Hiya Jen

then my aunt and cousin won't, in silent protest, in support of my not wanting to attend.

Can I just say: No! I guess your Aunt and Cousin mean well and have good intentions BUT they choose to do whatever they choose to do. It should not rely on your choice. This appears to put you in a position of having all the power, which you don't, in fact, have.

If your Aunt has a 'bone to pick' with your mother, then she should do that on her own account. Her problems with your mother are not your concern or your responsibility. You stick to your problems and what you want - whatever your aunt and cousin do is not your concern. Even if they are supporting you, their not going to Xmas dinner is not going to help you is it? It will done against your mother and grandmother, not for you.

I like the sound of Xmas with your close friends though!  Portia

[Ellie as guest]

I say let your aunt boycott if she wants. Do what you want.  

Sometimes folks get the wrong idea at the holidays and think Christmas is all about them. If their family does not grace them with their presence, the holidays are a flop.  

Well, guess what, the holidays are for all to enjoy. If it can't be enjoyed with a family member, then go enjoy it with someone worth spending your time with.  

If the dinner ends up being the 2 Ns together, they deserve each other. However, it would be very interesting to be a fly on the wall watching them compete with each other for Nsupply.

[flower]

I know my Ngramma will be displeased with my not showing up, even tho she fully underdstands, and supports my not speaking with her.

Sounds like there won't be any problems declining Ngramma's offer since she fully understands and supports your not speaking with your mother. And it is curious that since she is so supportive that she would invite you to a dinner with your mom.

It sure seems inevitable, from my experience, that with Ns involved holidays are wrecked before they even happen. I've even considered celebrating Christmas in July just to avoid the whole relative thing. It seems like just when things look peaceful something disrupts the whole thing. I had no problem with my Ns this Thanksgiving. But there was echo stress with the "nice" relatives. Like last minute invites and felt ( on my part) expectations. Looks like it is happening again for the Christmas season. Arrgh! Well, at least we are wanted.