What gives you your sense of self worth

[Twoapenny]

Today has been horrific; the sort of day that, fifteen years ago, would have had me ringing the doctor asking to be admitted to the psych ward.  I had virtually no control over my mind; my anxiety was so high that I literally couldn't pin a thought down and be rational about anything.  I ended up taking both herbal pills and betablockers that were left in the cupboard from an old prescription and washed it down with booze.  I haven't done anything like that for years and don't want to be in a position to do it again but today was a bit of an emergency and the doctor's surgery was full so it seemed like the only option.

It did calm me down enough to start gathering my thoughts again.  The situation with my son isn't looking good.  If he does have this disorder that the blood tests are currently indicating then it can be fatal, and/or leave him severely disabled.  There are 'good' cases so he might be one of those but there's absolutely no way of knowing and I am so tired of having to be brave, strong and carrying on.  I literally, physically collapsed today and there's literally no-one I can call to come and pick me up.  I just lay there until I felt I could move again.  It's been a terrible day.

There may be a possibility that we can get a flat fairly near the hospital in an area that's quite nice so if that happens it will help, even just as a temporary move.  Will hopefully know more about that in the next couple of weeks.  But the reactions of people who know us - several haven't stopped talking for long enough for me to speak, someone else responded today by saying "oh shit" by text and nothing more and when I told my sister she said "oh my God" and then started talking about her dog.  I don't expect anyone to leap in and magically find a cure but I really, really needed to hear someone respond to it and take it - and my fear - seriously and just acknowledge the potential severity of the situation.  I'm absolutely terrified.

Anyway - I'm in bed.  I've not been sleeping so no doubt will be awake again in the small hours.  I'm just hoping my brain will have leveled out a bit in the morning because I'm really not functioning well at all at the minute.

Thank you for letting me waffle on, I do appreciate it.

[Hopalong]

Oh, ((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))).
I am so sorry.

I really do understand how others' self-absorption or inability to express caring in a way that really reaches your heart, and comforts...can be devastating.

When you're already feeling so alone, frightened for your boy, and under great great stress.

Here, dear. Tea, a hug, and a tissue. It's okay to fall down for a while and no, you don't have to lose your mind to all this. You are so much stronger than you know.

I am so hoping the flat-near-hosp-in-nice-area works out. Another thing to consider--in most hospitals I'm familiar with (worked in one for a time), there are all sorts of support groups. People with ill children are so hugely in need of others who understand, who've felt the pain and fear of that vulnerability.

Just sitting in a circle with others who Know This Fear--could make such an enormous difference for you. Ask a social worker at the hospital...please do. And follow through.

You deserve support. Period.

And if it can't come from your acquaintances, your long-term social circle, it's going to come from people you've never laid eyes on before--some of whom will absolutely amaze you with their understanding and compassion.

Consider this...though the power and meaning of 3-D connection is more important, and always will be...you've never laid eyes on any of us.

And you know we love you.

(I'd suggest tossing those herbal things, you never know what's really IN them unless they're stringently regulated and not imported from god-knows-what growers in Asia. "Made" in a country doesn't mean GROWN there, alas. I hope you find that crying, as much as you need to, talking with some nonjudgmental person who GETS what's needed--even a pastor if you believe, or a community person who works with folks who face the kinds of challenges you walk through--I hope you find that knitting together all of those things, and not depending on a fantasy of coping alone...will help you through.)

Comfort and just hang in. Meditate if you can, Tupp. Even 15 minutes twice a day. It'll help you remember your connection to something big and beautiful that noone can take away.

The small stuff doesn't matter. In the big picture of life, there is ALWAYS room for you just as you are. And your boy.

love to you,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Tupp, Tupp Tupp...

Screw advice. I'm just thinking about you a lot,
cuppas on a tray -- bringing you a nice warm cloth for your worn-out eyes.

Little back-pats between your shoulders, maybe I'll go get a posey.
Scent of flowers. Some peaceful music that sings of big love and big beauty...

Hallo to your boy, see what I can fetch him... Soup?

My heart was wrung to read about your day, hope you know
people are passing the day with you, even unseen.

You are going to be okay.
One day, one step, one moment at a time.

Sometimes that's just all you can do and it's enough.

Hang in,
Hops

[lighter]

(((((Tupp)))))

I'm sorry there's no 3 D support in your life.  It's coming.  Like Hops said.... the social workers can set you up with support groups, and there will be new people in your life after the move.

It's OK to fall down.... everyone does.  Don't beat yourself up.  Stay down as long as you need and can, and don't regret.  Just rest, and restore yourself. 

Maybe ask the doc for a low dose of lorazepam or something you can take a tiny corner of to feel level when the anxiety starts rolling over you. 

 You've made it this far bc you're brave, and capable, and resilient enough to keep getting back up after every setback, sabotage, and curve ball.  You're a mom, and you're going to do what;s best for your cub.

You have us.... please remember that this community is a safe place to  find understanding, support and feedback.....  we're here for you, (((Tupp.)))

::Sending strength, courage and a big'ol cyber hug::

Lighter

[lighter]

How are you doing this morning, Tupp?

Light

[Twoapenny]

And breath

Okay, firstly, sorry for freaking out completely and secondly thank you for your lovely replies, and for being there, and for not minding me freaking out

I have calmed down now; I'm still tearful and veering between angry, hopeful, devastated and dancing round the kitchen but I'm alright and don't have the awful 'lead in the limbs and no control of my thoughts' feeling that I had over the weekend.

It did make me realise that my 'breakdown' thirteen or so years ago was really just about everything being too much rather than being mentally ill.  I don't know why that matters to me but it did make me feel better, for some reason?

I also realised that I took that terrible news to people who have a tendency to not be too interested in what I do.  Why did I do that?  It's like I want to keep hurting myself.

So - practical head on (because that's how I cope - at least some of the time!).

Although it's looking highly likely that he has this condition it's not confirmed yet so still a chance there's been a mix up.

If he does have it there are people who do okay on meds so it might not be a complete disaster.

I am upset that our plans for college are on hold now (I don't feel I want to do anything about that until all these tests have been done as the outcome of these might change the sort of college he goes to as his medical needs might be higher).  But it's on hold rather than cancelled so will still happen at some point.

It is looking possible for us to get subsidised housing which will help a lot.  I don't know what the housing situation is in the States but over here housing in this part of the country is ridiculously expensive and very difficult to rent when you aren't employed.  Local authority housing is much cheaper, better maintained and you don't have the same barriers if you're not working so we might get lucky, which would be good.

We're attending two different hospitals and neither one is being very helpful at the moment.  Their letters don't mirror the things they've told me and I seem to be constantly chasing people up, which is very stressful and time consuming.  I am going to get some advice on what actually needs to happen next as they seem to be working to two different goals, and then sort out who is doing what and get it all confirmed in writing.

There is a support group; it's very small because the condition is so unusual!  But they have a Facebook group so I have spoken to some of them online and will put together a list of questions that I'm trying to get my head around.

I am beyond exhausted - I have just had too much to cope with for too long now.  So I'm waiting to hear back from the hospital as to whether my son has any tests over the next few weeks and if he doesn't I'm going to ask that lady if we can borrow her holiday home and go away for a fortnight.  I'm miserable in this house and the only way I can take my mind off it is to keep myself constantly busy, which is why I feel so tired all the time.  So if we can get away for a bit we will.

I am very, very supportive of my online friends and really do appreciate you being here.  But I really, really need some good people in 3D as well.  I've been alone for so long, and so very alone for so long.  I really want that to change.  I have made a plan of things to do this week that involve some group/community activities, and we're going to the cafe I mentioned where the nice lady works.  I'm seeing a good 3D friend on Wednesday and hoping to meet up with another one nearer the end of the week.  Trying to balance being busy with not wearing myself out.

Thank you very, very much for being there.  I'm okay again now.  Scared me a bit but I'm okay and will post more news when I have it and when I don't feel so shattered!  Thank you xxxx

[JustKathy]

Hi Tup,

I'm so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. I really get what you're saying about the need for healthy 3D relationships. The Internet has been a blessing for me because it's made places like this board available, and the online support has helped me immeasurably. But there's still no substitute for a real person to hold your hand, or hug you, or just be there for you.

Like you, I've also struggled with healthy friendships. Is that something that affects all children of N-Mothers? Interesting that this comes up in a thread about self-worth, because I think that's been a huge road block for me in finding true friendship. I'm similar to you in that I wait for friends to come to me, rather than proactively seeking them out, and I do believe that's because I've never had any self-worth. I grew up being told that no one liked me, so I've always felt unworthy of friendship. I've always had friends at the office, but whenever I changed jobs, those friendships fell by the wayside. No lifelong best friends.

I don't know how to fix that, not just me, but you, or anyone who was raised by an N-mother and lacks the self-esteem, and probably the social skills, to get out there and meet people who really like you for being YOU. I think that, as daughters of Ns, we've been taught to settle. We aren't worthy, so if someone shows an interest, we should be grateful and just take it, whether it be a romantic interest or a friendship. I've definitely settled for whatever came along in the men department, and have probably done that with friends as well. Then it ends up like you describe, with the "friend" going on about themselves, and tacking on a "Hope you're okay" at the end, when what we really need is a freaking hug.

I don't mean to turn this into a post about me. I'm saying this because I do think it's something we all struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong. For the people posting in this group, do any of you have really meaningful friendships in which you really feel loved and cared about? Or are we all doomed to having good relationships with only our therapists, who are, in a sense, paid friends. I'm babbling, but also having a day where I'm feeling so terribly alone, and when I feel alone, I come here.

Anyway, Tup, I wish I could give you a hug right now. Bad enough to get this news about your son, but knowing what you've been through with your NM, I sure hope that there's no interference from her. It sounds like so far so good, so hoping that's the case. The support group sounds encouraging, even if it's small. Actually, small might be better and allow you to bond with the others.

Okay, I'm probably not even making sense at this point. Sending all my best from across the pond. Well, why didn't they give us a heart smiley? Old fashioned one ... <3

[sKePTiKal]

I also realised that I took that terrible news to people who have a tendency to not be too interested in what I do.  Why did I do that?  It's like I want to keep hurting myself.

Tupps, sweetie...

even when a relationship is bad for us... it's what we know and are used to; it's our "normal". And like it or not, because our primary caregivers were Ns... we tend to return again & again, to that familiar type of connection -- even long after we know it sucks to be us, in those relationships. So, your friends say they care... but don't act like it? This is one reason, I don't have a lot of friends in 3D. I literally don't trust people and - while it's probably wrong - I simply won't take the risk of disappointment or being hurt. For me, the actions speak louder than words -- it's the main lesson from living with abusive/N parents, isn't it?

And I have a big hole, where all the mothering experiences I needed, was left (mostly) unfilled. That longing for just a hug; someone who automatically KNOWS just what you need; and the feeling that there is someone who's got your back... yes, the people here in this group are really "adopted" moms for each other. That's maybe a clue, that we should be looking for those kinds of attributes in our 3-D friends. And friends change over time, too. My oldest, dearest girlfriend from 13 yrs old on... we certainly did mother each other. And we can still connect after all these years - just not as well, because of life stuff; we went in different directions and paths. We kind of allowed each other to change. (You'll figure this out from where you are now, I think.)

The other stuff - the life stuff that absolutely NONE of us control - can indeed pull the rug out from under you, and yes... if you're a sane person, you're going to react in ways that aren't always cool, calm & collected. I think those moments are necessary - expressing those in "not so perfect" ways and just plain old getting it completely out of your system. All the emotions, half-baked crazy-thoughts, feeling like you're in the midst of a tornado. Just spew it all out. Way better, I think, than trying to pretend you can control this kind of thing, have it all together, all the time, and that you are just going to continue plodding along the same old path -- without adjusting to the conditions around you.

Naw, little Tupp isn't going to WANT to adjust and may very well have a bit of a tantrum about it. Hollaring "it's not fair". Well, no. It's NOT FAIR. But it is life. And we have to go through it, make the best we can out of it, and figure things out.

Plan B, needs a plan C... just in case you find out life in Plan B, has some unexpected stuff you couldn't foresee. And there is ALWAYS unexpected stuff.

(((((((((Tupps))))))))))

I have just gone through a whole YEAR of this, come Friday. We let go what we can let go, we hang onto all the things we care about, and we make "do" with what we're faced with and what we've got to work with.

[lighter]

((((Tupp))))

You distinguished between "having a break down" bc of crazy making circumstances not created by you,  and being "mentally ill".....  THAT's HUGE, IMO.

You aren't broken, or defective, or "the cause" of your response to your family's dysfunction/original abuse/ongoing abuse through the years IMO.   

So glad you contacted the support group, and continue identifying unhealthy relationships and replacing them with healthier ones.

Having 3 D friends helps us stay level and grounded...... you're an amazing human being to navigate all  you've been through.

It's exciting to see you give responsibility back to the IT's for their actions, and identify your coping strategies to what they've done TO you.

((((Tupp and Son))))

I'm sending you prayers, and calming white light.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tup,

I'm so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. I really get what you're saying about the need for healthy 3D relationships. The Internet has been a blessing for me because it's made places like this board available, and the online support has helped me immeasurably. But there's still no substitute for a real person to hold your hand, or hug you, or just be there for you.

Like you, I've also struggled with healthy friendships. Is that something that affects all children of N-Mothers? Interesting that this comes up in a thread about self-worth, because I think that's been a huge road block for me in finding true friendship. I'm similar to you in that I wait for friends to come to me, rather than proactively seeking them out, and I do believe that's because I've never had any self-worth. I grew up being told that no one liked me, so I've always felt unworthy of friendship. I've always had friends at the office, but whenever I changed jobs, those friendships fell by the wayside. No lifelong best friends.

I don't know how to fix that, not just me, but you, or anyone who was raised by an N-mother and lacks the self-esteem, and probably the social skills, to get out there and meet people who really like you for being YOU. I think that, as daughters of Ns, we've been taught to settle. We aren't worthy, so if someone shows an interest, we should be grateful and just take it, whether it be a romantic interest or a friendship. I've definitely settled for whatever came along in the men department, and have probably done that with friends as well. Then it ends up like you describe, with the "friend" going on about themselves, and tacking on a "Hope you're okay" at the end, when what we really need is a freaking hug.

I don't mean to turn this into a post about me. I'm saying this because I do think it's something we all struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong. For the people posting in this group, do any of you have really meaningful friendships in which you really feel loved and cared about? Or are we all doomed to having good relationships with only our therapists, who are, in a sense, paid friends. I'm babbling, but also having a day where I'm feeling so terribly alone, and when I feel alone, I come here.

Anyway, Tup, I wish I could give you a hug right now. Bad enough to get this news about your son, but knowing what you've been through with your NM, I sure hope that there's no interference from her. It sounds like so far so good, so hoping that's the case. The support group sounds encouraging, even if it's small. Actually, small might be better and allow you to bond with the others.

Okay, I'm probably not even making sense at this point. Sending all my best from across the pond. Well, why didn't they give us a heart smiley? Old fashioned one ... <3

All makes sense to me, Kathy, although I'm sorry you go through the same.  The upbringing definitely has something to do with it, I feel, but I've got to a point now where I can't be bothered with it all anymore.  I feel angry that, once again, I'm in a very real crisis that no-one's noticing or making any effort to help me with.

I'm not someone that needs a lot of help.  If I constantly lurched from one drama to another and was always asking for babysitting, money, help around the house and so on then I could understand people getting tired of it.  But all I want from a friendship is conversation that I don't have to initiate each time, someone popping round for a coffee every now and again instead of waiting for me to go to them and, in times of crisis, someone picking the phone up and saying "It's alright, mate, I've got your back".  Instead of which if I want to see a human being then I have to drag my ill son to them because they can't be arsed to come to me, I've friends who I ring for a chat and after an hour I hang up without having had a chance to speak and people whose response to being told my son might be dying is to start talking about themselves again.  I think perhaps the time has come not to bother anymore.

[Twoapenny]

I also realised that I took that terrible news to people who have a tendency to not be too interested in what I do.  Why did I do that?  It's like I want to keep hurting myself.

Tupps, sweetie...

even when a relationship is bad for us... it's what we know and are used to; it's our "normal". And like it or not, because our primary caregivers were Ns... we tend to return again & again, to that familiar type of connection -- even long after we know it sucks to be us, in those relationships. So, your friends say they care... but don't act like it? This is one reason, I don't have a lot of friends in 3D. I literally don't trust people and - while it's probably wrong - I simply won't take the risk of disappointment or being hurt. For me, the actions speak louder than words -- it's the main lesson from living with abusive/N parents, isn't it?

And I have a big hole, where all the mothering experiences I needed, was left (mostly) unfilled. That longing for just a hug; someone who automatically KNOWS just what you need; and the feeling that there is someone who's got your back... yes, the people here in this group are really "adopted" moms for each other. That's maybe a clue, that we should be looking for those kinds of attributes in our 3-D friends. And friends change over time, too. My oldest, dearest girlfriend from 13 yrs old on... we certainly did mother each other. And we can still connect after all these years - just not as well, because of life stuff; we went in different directions and paths. We kind of allowed each other to change. (You'll figure this out from where you are now, I think.)

The other stuff - the life stuff that absolutely NONE of us control - can indeed pull the rug out from under you, and yes... if you're a sane person, you're going to react in ways that aren't always cool, calm & collected. I think those moments are necessary - expressing those in "not so perfect" ways and just plain old getting it completely out of your system. All the emotions, half-baked crazy-thoughts, feeling like you're in the midst of a tornado. Just spew it all out. Way better, I think, than trying to pretend you can control this kind of thing, have it all together, all the time, and that you are just going to continue plodding along the same old path -- without adjusting to the conditions around you.

Naw, little Tupp isn't going to WANT to adjust and may very well have a bit of a tantrum about it. Hollaring "it's not fair". Well, no. It's NOT FAIR. But it is life. And we have to go through it, make the best we can out of it, and figure things out.

Plan B, needs a plan C... just in case you find out life in Plan B, has some unexpected stuff you couldn't foresee. And there is ALWAYS unexpected stuff.

(((((((((Tupps))))))))))

I have just gone through a whole YEAR of this, come Friday. We let go what we can let go, we hang onto all the things we care about, and we make "do" with what we're faced with and what we've got to work with.

I'm sorry the anniversary is coming up, Skep and yes, you're right, it's about letting go of things we don't need and hanging on to what we do.  I do feel like you, I'm tired of being let down and disappointed by people who just don't do tiny things to show you that they care.  It is about action, isn't it, words help if they're heartfelt and backed up by action but it is the people who phone or come round with a bag of shopping for you who make the difference.

And as I've written this I've started to wonder if the thing that's really scaring me now is knowing that, if my boy really is this sick, I'll be coping on my own.  There won't be family running around after us or friends visiting and calling in.  It'll be me and him, back and forth to the hospital, with me frantically trying to fit in the household stuff and sorting the van out in between.  Perhaps I just need to start focusing on the two of us and forget about other people now.  Maybe it's time to admit defeat and get a dog x

[Twoapenny]

((((Tupp))))

You distinguished between "having a break down" bc of crazy making circumstances not created by you,  and being "mentally ill".....  THAT's HUGE, IMO.

You aren't broken, or defective, or "the cause" of your response to your family's dysfunction/original abuse/ongoing abuse through the years IMO.   

So glad you contacted the support group, and continue identifying unhealthy relationships and replacing them with healthier ones.

Having 3 D friends helps us stay level and grounded...... you're an amazing human being to navigate all  you've been through.

It's exciting to see you give responsibility back to the IT's for their actions, and identify your coping strategies to what they've done TO you.

((((Tupp and Son))))

I'm sending you prayers, and calming white light.

Lighter

Hi Lighter,

Thank you.  It's funny how those moments of clarity can come to you during moments of intense experience, isn't it?  But yes, I can see now that all of my problems over the years have been reactions to what I've been through rather than mental illness.  It's all very tiring.

How are things with your legal case now, is it definitely over? x

[Twoapenny]

More pondering, and I have decided now that people are no longer a priority in my life.  I feel that as it's such hard work and such a disappointment so much of the time that I am pushing in the wrong direction so I'm going to stop pushing and try and notice what happens.

I struggle with a sense of abandonment, not being good enough, people not wanting me or caring about me enough.  It makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where this keeps happening and keeps knocking me back down again.  Today, for example, I was going to meet a friend but yesterday she had to cancel.  That's not a problem at all, her son's poorly and I completely understand that so that isn't an issue.  I contacted another friend to see if they had any time free today, they did, so we arranged to meet in the park - for the benefit of their little one as my son's too old for parks now, and I arranged my morning around the get together.  We got there, to discover they were only staying for twenty minutes between two other things they'd arranged to do.  And I just stood there thinking, this is what I don't want anymore, being shoehorned in between more important things, or someone visiting because there's no-one else around during the day, or phoning because they need a friendly ear, not for a friendly chat or, heaven forbid, a laugh and a joke.  I do want some relationships in my life where someone prioritises for me, not constantly and not at the expense of everything else, but someone who wants to see me and my son enough to arrange a get together, find a mutually convenient time and spend some proper time together.  Not necessarily every time, the quite twenty minute get togethers are fine when you see each other at other times but I feel like my relationships are the equivalent of junk food and having that constantly isn't good for you.

So.  I am going to concentrate on myself and my son healthwise.  I don't know when or where we'll be moving but I'm going to carry on packing, clearing out and looking for somewhere.  I am going to try and find some time to write every day and work on my stories and my 'can you believe all this crap we've dealt with' book about my experiences as the mum of a disabled child.  I'm going to try and find more time to listen to music, browse around second hand shops, learn to play the guitar and just do things that I enjoy.

People wise, there are shops and cafes that we use where the staff are always friendly and happy to chat.  I'm going to look on that as my social interaction.  We're going to a craft group at the library on Friday morning and there's a sports club on Saturday; my son's not really up to sport at the minute but as we've been there before I thought we could just go and say hi to everyone and get a coffee.  I'm going to try and put 'people' to the back of my mind and concentrate on us and just having nice chats where I can.  I'm too tired to think about it all anymore

I do want to say thank you so much to all of you for being there and being so supportive, and to Dr G for making this place happen.  I really don't know where I'd be without you all.

[lighter]

More pondering, and I have decided now that people are no longer a priority in my life.  I feel that as it's such hard work and such a disappointment so much of the time that I am pushing in the wrong direction so I'm going to stop pushing and try and notice what happens.  It's a shift that makes a huge difference, IME.  For me it's about gaining enough emotional distance that I can stop reacting, or fearing or just having a response at all...... so I can observe what's actually going on.  HUGE, IME.

I struggle with a sense of abandonment, not being good enough, people not wanting me or caring about me enough.  It makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where this keeps happening and keeps knocking me back down again.  Today, for example, I was going to meet a friend but yesterday she had to cancel.  That's not a problem at all, her son's poorly and I completely understand that so that isn't an issue.  I contacted another friend to see if they had any time free today, they did, so we arranged to meet in the park - for the benefit of their little one as my son's too old for parks now, and I arranged my morning around the get together.  We got there, to discover they were only staying for twenty minutes between two other things they'd arranged to do.  And I just stood there thinking, this is what I don't want anymore, being shoehorned in between more important things, or someone visiting because there's no-one else around during the day, or phoning because they need a friendly ear, not for a friendly chat or, heaven forbid, a laugh and a joke.  I do want some relationships in my life where someone prioritises for me, not constantly and not at the expense of everything else, but someone who wants to see me and my son enough to arrange a get together, find a mutually convenient time and spend some proper time together.  Not necessarily every time, the quite twenty minute get togethers are fine when you see each other at other times but I feel like my relationships are the equivalent of junk food and having that constantly isn't good for you.Another thought about the junk food analogy..... if we're putting junk food INTO our bodies/physical lives/emotional lives then there's less room, or no room, for better things, IME.  Giving yourself permission to turn away from.... as gently as you please..... EVERYTHING you feel like turning away from is powerful internal work, IMO.  Releasing yourself from obligations that only you hold..... giving up on people who have shown you who they are, and giving up without sadness.... just giving up IS A RELIEF that is truly welcome, IME.  Freeing, and centering, and calming, and it means we have energy form other things, which is a revelation, IME.  We don't know how much energy we put into being stuck, or obligated to unworthy people, or harmful people, or places UNTIL we have some distance, and breath free air for a while.  ((((TUPP))))  Breath the free air, my friend.  It's OK, and you can give yourself that permission..... what a relief it is.  To choose whether to feel bad or guilty or just NOT and stop thinking about something before it gets INTO your head, whether it's giving up on friends, or family, or places, or parts of yourself/patterns/coping stretegies that no longer serve you.  That the people in your life aren't worthy of your tust and energy is just what it is.  It's not good or bad, it's just information you use to base future decisions on, and it's not something you have to figure out or give energy to. You just decide it's not for you, and leave it without giving it any emotional input.... decide it's just a story, and you dismiss it.... turn away in all ways, and DO something that serves you, and leads to what you truly want.  You only have so much energy..... it's a precious resource.... use it to your fullest advantage, Tupp.

So.  I am going to concentrate on myself and my son healthwise.  And that's actually the only job you have right now.  That's where your priorities actually live.... it's right, and good, and what you should be doing right now.  Yes: )I don't know when or where we'll be moving but I'm going to carry on packing, clearing out and looking for somewhere. That's being proactive, and liming future stress, and strain when the time comes to make the move.  YOU WILL MOVE, and you're doing everything you can to make that happen.  In it's time it will.  Breath, and trust, and pack, and look into the housing options you were looking into.... all will be well. I am going to try and find some time to write every day and work on my stories and my 'can you believe all this crap we've dealt with' book about my experiences as the mum of a disabled child.  I'm going to try and find more time to listen to music, browse around second hand shops, learn to play the guitar and just do things that I enjoy.  It's funny that's coming up for you now,  bc I'm finding that putting down things means there's energy for the creative things, IME..... such a blessing to pick out 6 colors of felt to proceed on an Anime costume I've been working on with dd14, and FEEL like it's just what I'm supposed to be doing where before I felt like I was stealing time from other people, things, activities.  It's a tremendous shift to take back our energy, Tupp. To USE it for ourselves, and things that build us up, and feed our souls, IME. 

Honestly, your story is a very powerful example of how ITs use the system to torment innocent people.  I'm processing and internalizing the different feelings I have for the ITs AND for the people in positions of authority that they've manipulated and paid off in order to harm me and my children.  For me, the ITs can't help themselves.... they're so broken, and so beyond repair, but the 3rd party onlookers, court officers, and professionals charged with protecting my children, YOUR SON..... that's something I haven't finished making peace with.  I haven't figured out how to make peace with that yet, but I feel it's near. 

I think writing it all out, for you, will help you come to terms, make peace, and maybe help people understand this...... IT plague society is afflicted with, but not necessarily even aware of, IMO.

People wise, there are shops and cafes that we use where the staff are always friendly and happy to chat.  I'm going to look on that as my social interaction.  We're going to a craft group at the library on Friday morning and there's a sports club on Saturday; my son's not really up to sport at the minute but as we've been there before I thought we could just go and say hi to everyone and get a coffee.  I'm going to try and put 'people' to the back of my mind and concentrate on us and just having nice chats where I can.  I'm too tired to think about it all anymore   I think you'll have many moments where negative thoughts pop up, during these outings, and you choose to banish them quickly while noting them.  I think this will lead to understanding and the ability to choose what you let in, and what you leave behind.  YES: )

I do want to say thank you so much to all of you for being there and being so supportive, and to Dr G for making this place happen.  I really don't know where I'd be without you all.
I'm making bone broth, I've been simmering since yesterday, and readying chicken pot pie ingredients from dd14's favorite meal of leftover roasted chicken as I read and respond to your post, Tupp.  I've kept ahead of creative messes without struggling too much or falling far behind them..... I'm making plans for the future without too much anxiety, which is new.  If you were here we'd enjoy this meal together, have coffee, and maybe work on something creative with the kids.  Until you have your new 3d friends and family in place.... you have your friends on the board (((Tup and son.)))
Lighter 

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, not only are you very good at the 'quoting in different colours' stuff (which I haven't even attempted to work out how to do), you are putting into words what is floating around in my head but I can't quite get a handle on and pin down myself.

I woke up in the early hours of the morning today and realised that even on waking, my thoughts are instantly turned on to other people and what I should be doing, ought to be doing, doing the 'right' thing, not having people think I'm a bitch and so on.  I have been aware of this before but for some reason it's really obvious now and I've spent today pulling my brain back round to me and my boy, what we need, what's best for us and trying to listen to how certain things/events/people make me feel, rather than thinking about how I think I ought to feel.  It's like trying not to breathe!

I'm snowed under with things I need to do (genuine things that need doing) and balancing that with resting, having fun with my boy, looking after us both well.  I wrote a very long list and divided it into sections - must do, need to do but can wait, want to do but isn't really urgent.  And then worked out roughly how long different jobs would take and have tried to break larger tasks down into chunks and balance them out with small, easy jobs (letters that need to be posted, quick email replies to do).  I feel that I've achieved more that way.  We've been out for lunch and a walk through town, I think I'm going to try and make eating out or going for a coffee a regular thing now.  It's a nice break for us, we get to see some friendly faces and it gets me out of cooking a meal which is all good.

I've made some enquiries re my son's health issues and we won't know anything definite until November at the earliest, I think.  Even if this current set of tests come back negative they'll want to do those again just to be sure so I think November is the earliest we'll get any kind of answer and, whether the problem turns out to be his epilepsy or this metabolic disorder I think we'll be lucky if everything's sorted out and improving before Christmas.

That's a long time for me to be freaking out constantly so I am just going to have to concentrate on keeping calm and relaxed and looking after us both as best I can.  I'm going to write up a list of nice things to do and try and focus on one each time so we've got a nice day out or a couple of nights away to keep looking forward to.  I'm going to treat us both to some new clothes as well and just concentrate on having a bit more fun and more of a relaxed time.

I'm trying to put moving to the back of my mind.  I'm packing, cleaning and keeping my eyes open but I'm trying not to make it the be all and end all at the moment.  It will come when it's ready, and if I'm ready to it will be all good.

People wise, I'm doing okay.  I'm trying to bring my mind back to me when I start thinking about others and trying not to concern myself too much with how it makes me feel - notice it and let it go.  My sister did text this morning to ask how we were, I did reply but I'm of the opinion that texting is for quick catch up info, not for deep and meaningfuls, and I can't do deep and meaningful with my sister because she's constantly shouting at either the dog or the kids if we're on the phone so - it is what it is.  I replied, she replied and that was that.  Same with a friend who got in touch this morning - I replied, that was the end of that.  If people can't pick the phone up then I really can't be bothered at the mo.  I had a nice chat with the cat

Still very tired but hoping to sleep tonight!  Finally.  I think I've got to the point where I'm too tired not to sleep now.