Exploring resistence

[lighter]

I've noticed that the feeling of FLOW and BEING IN THE ZONE is sort of like looking at one of those visual trick pics....... looking THROUGH brings it into focus.  Looking straight at it, with intention, just makes it harder to see.

We're in our own way.....

Lighter

[lighter]

So..... the last few days have been an exercise in many things for me. 

For my dd16 as well. 

We've been going through an interview process with a wonderful boarding school.... the visit yesterday left me feeling hopeful, and amazed..... the tech program, art program, math and science program.... orchestra dd16 would be a part of.  The teachers she connected with so happy to meet DD, and advocate for her...... they WANT her in their community.  She'd be a strong asset in so many ways.... I think it scares dd to think about the level of work/expectation.... living up to her highest potential. 

For me.... I'm trying to go back to holding no expectation around it.  Not easy..... I notice this FEELS like DD at 4yo for me.  When she was a superstar, over achiever, lover of all things educational, working grades ahead, and embracing everything and everyone at school no matter that she already knew everything they were teaching.  There was JOY for us both.

I have to tell you.......

I've missed that joy.

::nodding::

It's familiar, and I recognize it as a piece of me......
I have compassion for that piece.   I'm trying not to judge it.

And at the same time I was looking forward to having DD16 back home after being away so long.  I'm conflicted, but DD's best interest is what we'll focus on here....
she'll be uber prepared for University if she does this. 
She'll have opportunities at this school she wouldn't otherwise have AND she'll mature faster away from me.

I really loved the LARGE campus, the faculty, and the students.  I loved the programs..... BOTANY looked wonderful.  They're dissecting bee guts in order to study what Round Up does to bee colonies. 

So, I've been paying attention to how I'm doing through this.  I've been rather insulated, on purpose, over the last 10 years, and this is an exercise in choosing my words, the parts of our story I can tell..... some things clunk my brain off line.... the frontal part responsible for thinking part....
the speech part....
offline.

It happened yesterday with one member of the admission team..... such an odd thing.  I lost the ability to recall her name, and got her mixed up with another team member, I'd just met, and babbled a little while realizing I was doing it, knowing I shouldn't, but just couldn't stop myself. 

The precursor was a time sensitive matter, I had no power over, and felt responsible for.  It was important, but not important enough to make my brain go off line. 

It was like the upside down, if anyone watches Stranger Things.  I've been aware of this over the last 11 years, and it's so frustrating bc there are times my brain is hyper capable of recalling information, and clear as a bell.

I think it has to do with feeling powerless, and vulnerable vs feeling empowered and not at the mercy of.   

It would be good to be able to catch it BEFORE things went off the rails....
going forward.

DD16 did great.  I did fine, I think, despite the very confusing 30 second babble. 

This is one of those teaching moments about not doing doing doing when I'm distressed or experiencing discomfort.  I have to learn to automatically SIT with it, and not act.  Wowsers.... I'm going to go easy on myself here, but the temptation to be very critical is there.

So, the word yesterday was that DD16 is a good fit for their school, and they thought there was a way for DD to attend.  This will include much financial assistance, so there are many moving parts....... it's not just about academics. 

DD and I had a lovely drive afterwards.... the school is central to everyone in my family, and closer to me by 3 hours compared to her present school...... driving an easy hour and a half on good highway compared to what I new consider a scary 4.5 drive, which I'm about to drive TWICE today.

Wow.... here I am extending compassion to myself, and this time it wasn't a struggle, or something I remembered after the fact.

I'm still decompressing. 

The emotional weight's coming up, it sits under my collar boans..... I know how to spell bones, but boans feels right.... the pressure is there.  It's time to deal with it.     

I'm trying to release apprehension/expectation/fear around it.

Maybe I didn't believe I could shift this, deal with it, put it behind me.... before. Today... I feel it's possible. I feel I'll do it, and life will change around it.

DD seems so much lighter..... her ability to respond..... talk about difficult feelings, and.... she's so brave.  A hero to have advocated for herself the way she has at her age. 

She's my hero. 

Not just bc I'm her Mom, but honestly.... she truly is amazing with regard to depth of insight AND talents/gifts. 

OK.... that's my update. 

Now....
to tackle this drive.

Lighter

   

[lighter]

The drive went fine, even if the last half hour was a very sleepy one..... it was 1am, and I was about the only one on the road.  I have to say that three police officers blew by me with their sirens and lights blaring the last 10 minutes of the drive..... I still don't know what that was about.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

The school sounds amazing, Lighter, what a great opportunity for both of you, by the sound of things.  I'm glad the drive went well   As for the decompressing and assimilating and babbling - I can relate to all of that   Moving forward, slowly but surely, but the sound of things x

[Hopalong]

It sounds as though this boarding school may be a release of pressure for both you and dd16, Lighter, if I've followed right. Yes, just to manage there will be success for her. So if she can leave perfectionism behind, it will be good to let them go. All you probably really want for her is to be healing-toward-whole, sound in mind, healthy in body, and enjoying most if not all of it. That would be good enough, eh?

I can imagine how scary those blank-brain or scramble-speech moments were for you, Lighter. I do think there's been extraordinary pressure to perform--and a lot of fear of judgement. Maybe those collided in the moment. I'm glad the school was encouraging and that it's only 1.5 hours away.

How is younger dd doing?

Hops

[lighter]

Tupp:
I just got off the phone with the education consultant..... wonderful conversation.  She's very tight with the lady I babbled in front of, and there's no problem there.  Biggest problem will be funds.... right now the returning students are receiving aid.  We'll have to see what happens with new students, but it couldn't be going better in her opinion.

It's been an amazing experience for Lena and for me.  So much growth and healing.  I really like the parent support at Lena's current school.... she's gets it.  I really find my time with her helpful.

Hops....
DD14 doing very well.  She's responsible, has a daily skincare ritual centered around mostly Korean products she researched, ordered and paid for with her Christmas money.  Snail snot, anyone?

Her grades are good, and she likes getting to school bright and early.

Since the Brain Integration she has less frustration at school.  Mostly with spelling, but also with certain individuals who annoy her, and used to be drawn to her, but don't seem to be now.  She's also shifted from one peer group, she feels she outgrew, to another.......... last year it was creating much roiling and worry for her over that anticipated transition.  This year she's managed the shift.... just did it.  No worry.  Done.  Amazing.

She speaks her mind, is very sure of who she is, and wise beyond her years..... and so darned funny. 

DD14 recently began violin lessons, after mastering the Ukulele, which suits her personality IMO.  She's the only girl on her Ultimate Frisbee team..... she's also one of the best players. 

One thing about J is..... she's never held anything in.  Everything comes out, and I'm pretty sure this was the healthiest way to handle the last 10 years.  She processed her stuff, and lives fully in moment.... handling things as they come up.  We have very frank conversations, and she's emotionally very mature, though her will to do her own laundry seems to have petered out.  She's helpful with house work, when asked, and likes being busy in the kitchen. 

She feels entitled to boundaries, and isn't afraid to enforce them.  She's talking about University, and letting me know she'll likely live with me through that experience.  She's comfortable at home, and thinks of her room as "home."

 The very liberal schools here have been a place for her to blossom..... her teachers love her.  She's working in groups with less frustration... just DOING what needs done, with less complaining about those not pulling their weight.  She used to write songs about her frustration.... not so much since Brain Integration, I've noticed. 

Wowsers...... writing this makes me realize I haven't shared much about youngest dd14 on the board.   

She's level headed, appreciates rational people, and I absolutely adore her and her kooky, mom jean wearing style.
she marches to her own drum, and doesn't care a thing about following the crowd or conforming.
Truly.
  Amazing.

Thanks for asking, Hops: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, what I love when you write about your kids is that you're full of praise, encouragement and recognition of what they do, but you also acknowledge things they struggle with or need/want to work on.  So difficult to get that balance right between praising and encouraging but also helping them to grow and develop into WHOEVER IT IS THEY ARE MEANT TO BE!  I think it resonates so much with me as finding myself has/is taking years of my adult life and it's so amazing that your kids will become adults having done all that foundation work already.  You're such an amazing mum x

I kept thinking about what you said about babbling as it's something I do (on here, quite a lot!) and othertimes I can't get the words out, things literally get stuck in my throat.  As sometimes happens, something popped up on my Facebook feed about the throat chakra and how that being blocked can cause things to become stuck and to make us 'voiceless', whether literally or because we can't say what we mean/need to.

From that I found a nice meditation on YouTube that I've done a couple of times now and found helpful, so I have posted it just in case it's any use for the future

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heJf-Cidk5w

I really like Jason Stephenson's stuff, he just seems to 'get' it x

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, I just had one of those "I have no idea why I am saying this" moments too. They make me feel as though I'm crazy; not in control of myself. On very rare occasions, absolute truth will fall out of my mouth. Those don't bother me nearly so much.

It's the ones where true emotions "leak out" verbally that scare the bejesus out of a person. In your case, your heartfelt desire for D took over. In mine, it was a suggestion I was making - born out of a very real need for a father-figure on my part - to help bring some new creative energy into the business. (THAT'S scary; but fortunately both guys know me well enough to see through the silliness of it. I rely on the experience and wisdom of both of them; but they are and should remain separate for me AND the business.)

And I need to complete my working through this "thing" I have about certain kinds of men. I know it's due to underestimating myself; and not giving myself accurate credit for my own judgement, experience and wisdom. And l seem to be looking for an easy way to shore that up -- instead of doing the work required myself. Someone to validate my choices and give me the go-ahead, while having my back if things go wonky or get complicated.  It's all an emotional thing.

So, I would swear... that pouty inner child is also being a bit forward and cheeky... and she sneaks around the usual persona editors and censors... and just says things like this, to SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Talk about wanting to crawl under a rock and be invisible! LOL.

[lighter]

Have you guys ever noticed or paid attention to your instincts?

I mean..... really paid attention and then noticed what you DO with them?

Amber.... it's good and right to pay attention to the man part of your life right now.  Whatever it has to say... it's going to be OK.   Don't fear the work.

Tupp... I started watching that Chakra video and will finish it at bedtime.  So far, it's very relaxing.  I like listening to music tuned in to particular Chakras when I sleep too.

About our kids..... I think I had balance the first 6 years of their lives.... then I lost it.  Now I'm trying to make peace with the fact they're not really mine.  They're in my care a while longer, but they never belonged to me. They'll never belong to me..... I shouldn't have expectations for what and who they'll grow up to be.  That's up to them, and I can only hope they're happy and living up to their own expectations. 

No matter what.... I'll try to be OK with their journeys..... I'm talking myself through this, Tupp.   Trusting they're where they're supposed to be..... outside my control.... that's the journey now.  For so long I was fighting dragons..... shielding my girls...afraid every day. 

I think I can lay that down and do something else now. 

Light

[Twoapenny]

The trusting on their behalf is difficult, I think, Lighter,  I am struggling with that as he gets older.  There comes a time when you can't keep them safe by keeping them at home and fighting for them - they have to fight their own battles, as we've had to.  Even writing that fills me with horror - I wouldn't wish the battles I've been through on anybody, they've been so painful and so nearly ended me more than once.  Yet they have made me stronger and have given me a deep gratitude for getting through them and still being here.  And I do have to keep reminding myself that his childhood he hasn't been through the same things I did as a child, so he's not damaged in the way I was.  I don't believe he'll be drawn to the same sorts of destruction that I was or the same kinds of negative, abusive people.  Your girls have grown up with a warrior by their side who is now teaching them to be strong in themselves and become whoever it is they need to be.  But stepping away and trusting you've done enough for them to manage is hard.  I get that.

As for instincts - mine are good, often hard to explain, sometimes quite subtle - just a general feeling of unease that isn't really logical - and I've ignored them at my peril so many times.  I do try now just to keep myself away from people or situations that make me feel uneasy, even when it seems ridiculous to do so.  I am learning more about myself as I get older and trusting in myself more.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, how do you define "instinct" Lighter? For the sake of discussion, that is.

For me, it's more a physical reaction sans thought & premeditation - like throwing up an arm to block something about to hit me, or when I change up my route driving for no reason at all at the last minute.

It's something distinctly different than intuition - which is a kind of sixth sense "knowing" I suppose - based on accumulated experience, knowledge, observation and sensory perception.

[lighter]

Well, how do you define "instinct" Lighter? For the sake of discussion, that is.

For me, it's more a physical reaction sans thought & premeditation - like throwing up an arm to block something about to hit me, or when I change up my route driving for no reason at all at the last minute.

It's something distinctly different than intuition - which is a kind of sixth sense "knowing" I suppose - based on accumulated experience, knowledge, observation and sensory perception.

Hi Amber:
For me there's less distinction between instinct and intuition.... I agree one is survival/reptilian brain/born with instinct to breath and survive stuff, and one is based on what we've discovered of the world, and our place in it, BUT I can't tease out where one begins and the other ends. 

IME the brain utilizes different parts at the same time all the time.  I've thought about this a lot, and I can't quite say which internal voice is responsible for any particular whisper or scream.... just can't. 

I know that I've KNOWN stuff all my life, and failed to honor it. This is on my top 5 list of biggest regrets.  I'm trying hard to honor all the voices I perceive to be instinct and intuition.... I think they're holding hands anyway; )

Lighter

[lighter]

The trusting on their behalf is difficult, I think, Lighter,  I am struggling with that as he gets older.  There comes a time when you can't keep them safe by keeping them at home and fighting for them - they have to fight their own battles, as we've had to.  Even writing that fills me with horror - I wouldn't wish the battles I've been through on anybody, they've been so painful and so nearly ended me more than once.  Yet they have made me stronger and have given me a deep gratitude for getting through them and still being here.  And I do have to keep reminding myself that his childhood he hasn't been through the same things I did as a child, so he's not damaged in the way I was.  I don't believe he'll be drawn to the same sorts of destruction that I was or the same kinds of negative, abusive people.  Your girls have grown up with a warrior by their side who is now teaching them to be strong in themselves and become whoever it is they need to be.  But stepping away and trusting you've done enough for them to manage is hard.  I get that.

As for instincts - mine are good, often hard to explain, sometimes quite subtle - just a general feeling of unease that isn't really logical - and I've ignored them at my peril so many times.  I do try now just to keep myself away from people or situations that make me feel uneasy, even when it seems ridiculous to do so.  I am learning more about myself as I get older and trusting in myself more.

Hi Tupp:

Our kiddos will be influenced negatively and positively by our parenting.  It's life.  The yin and the yang natural order of all things.

This weekend my dd14 let me know that my sheltering her for years was uncool in her opinion.  In fact, she feels fairly gypped that she missed out on what she thinks of as "cool" stuff other kids got to do that I kept her from doing.  She couldn't really say WHAT I kept her from..... it's a visceral KNOWING for her.  She FEELS it happened, and she can't really NAME it for herself yet.  I let her have that emotion, mirror back what I hear her say, and apologize for my part in that. I KNOW I didn't parent perfectly, and own up to it.  I hope it's enough to help her move through this.

About trusting ourselves..... looking back and seeing where we failed to trust, and paid a steep price..... I'm SO READY to trust, and not struggle with trusting myself.  There's shifting, and I'm working on it hard.  I have a new Somatic T I see next week...... I'll watch the EFT Summit beginning today and running for 10 days.  I have a brain spotting course I'm excited about...... the energy work is very helpful......

Here's the link to the FREE EFT Summit.  Every Session runs for 24 hours so all time zones can make it.  I hope you can copy and paste: )

http://www.thetappingsolution.com/2017tws/reg/afpd/new-access.php?utm_campaign=2017-TWS-Prelaunch&utm_medium=email&utm_source=affiliates&utm_content=7-Event-Registration&utm_term=affiliates

Lighter

[lighter]

During the last parent. student, therapist phone call between me, my 16dd at Therapeutic Boarding School, and her lovely T my DD said she often punished me/retaliated against me for bringing negative energy to our situations.

 And she did.... no doubt about it..... she very much did. 

I knew she was punishing me, spending years of our lives in an emotionally combative posture..... so many years wasted.  Holding me hostage... sort of.... and her sister, but I think the negative energy I brought was holding her hostage too. I don't deny that,  I just don't know how it could have been avoided.  I don't believe it could have on reflection.

Everyone laying their cards on the table honestly right now.... getting ready for DD16 to come home for the summer or for the next 2 years of HS..... we have ground to cover. 

::nodding::

We have work to do.

As I write this I'm perched happily on one of the sofa benches on our back porch.  Socked feet tucked underneath me.....
  The Fairy lights are lit.... the candles are almost glowing, waiting for dark.  DD14 is is still 14yo.... and she's napping happily on the uber long bench across from mine.  It weighs a ton, and was donated to the Habitat For Humanity folks by one of the local high mucky much hotels.   I do love these benches.  The Pug is curled up at DD's feet..... DD14 was so sure the Pug wouldn't let her nap, but the Pug is sleepy too. 

Today was the first day I walked the Pug like the Dog Whisperer would walk her.  It was like magic.... so easy.  I almost let myself feel stupid, but then remembered I could revel in walking the pug a step behind me..... like magic...... just by asking her to, and BEING the lead dog.

You know what?  My DD16 wanted me to be the lead dog 10 years ago.  I saw her attempt to take power over all her classrooms from Pre K up, and I warned all her teachers..... then I didn't see it for myself in my own home, bc I was so overwhelmed.  Maybe all I had to do to help her be OK was tell her I had things under control...... she didn't need to worry, but ................all wasn't well.  I had trouble from inside my circle, and out.  I was living under siege, and it showed.  I wasn't the mother she'd had, and every time I see her light up I notice I'm laughing.  There were too few times I was the mother she deserved, and counted on over the last 10 years.  It wasn't fair, and she's raw about it.  Of course she is.   

 I was strong.... was being strong, looking strong, and I suppose it got us through safely, but..... in her little heart she needed to hear it... hear me TELL her all would be well.  I had this.  We would be safe... promise.    I think. 

First major dropped ball between us likely...that right there. 

Soon I'll attend the last family program at her T Boarding School.... her T is the Parent program director... the MAN.  So good at what he does, and we've been blessed, whatever that means to you, or to me.  Blessed/lucky she was his last.... what is she?  She's the last girl he took on as a patient/student.... he only ever had 4 bc of his parent program work load, and for the first time the dog doesn't bark her head off at a squirrel. 

Hmm..... there's something to this lead dog stuff.

Lighter

[lighter]

So, this week has been about exploring how I handle old triggers and traumas in the midst of finding and exploring relief in a fairly sheltered environment. 

Sheltered in that I'm not exposed to ALL anxiety inducing things in my life at once, mind you.  There are many things I'm moving through, making peace with, and shaking off completely...... more comfort in crowds, speaking my truth and experiencing more confidence.... feeling entitled to stick to my views, despite other people's disagreement. 

So..... today I'm researching sea walls, costs of materials (vinyl) labor, and transportation..... honestly everything about this topic is anxiety inducing for me.  "Activating"
Just every aspect, and then there's getting anything done on an island.  So.  Difficult.

I know an EMDR marathon is in my immediate future.

I'm cooking a big pot of bone broth for Vietnamese Pho to share with friends this evening. I love the fresh herbs, and aromas of Star Anise, Fennel, Coriander, Cinnamon, Cloves and Ginger wafting through the house.....Basil, Cilantro..... just lovely. DD14 loves this meal..... we can love it together.
::nodding::

The back porch is neat and inviting..... must change out Christmas lights for the hanging candle holders, but it feels very shabby chic cozy the way it is.  I'll leave it, and that's OK too.

Pug has calmed down, and walks with me in the forest every day...... she's better at running than walking for some reason.  I can't even tell she's tied to my waist when we run.  What a revelation to take charge, and insist she not walk ahead, pull or lead.  She gets it, and knows what I want.  I just had to ask.  Silly humans.

I feel like I'm a sponge, soaking up information that leads to more information.... it seems so very important.  I wonder why we don't learn these things in grade school.

I have to go back and read, watch, listen to the same things again and again bc I can't internalize it all.  It comes in spits and spats, but gets easier with familiarity.  I've not hit my stride, or found a way to have it all in one place... I wish I'd been keeping a very precise journal through the years, I really do.

So, that's my day, and current mission..... learning how to approach my life without framing it in old ways that no longer serve.

Learning how true North ebbs and flows,
how not to fear....
how to remain curious and attentive, and let that be enough. 

Anyone have any experience building sea walls? 

Lighter