That was me above. Darn timeout on logins.
Well, my wife asked me to talk this afternoon and I had a strong reaction to it. I must be growing, because it doesn't take longat all to figure out what knocks me off balance and how to get back on balance again.

She said that several weeks ago when I had invited her to talk with me, she had a strong reaction to the invitation. She felt dread, heavy, burdened, etc. expecting that this meant only talking about heavy subjects (relationship issues). She said what she wants is to just have a lot more fun with me, light talk and learn how to be happy with me again before being ready to tackle the tough relationship issues again. (Since she quit joint therapy, I have been civil with her and answer her questions, and talk out "roomate" and co-parenting issues. I have not volunteered any personal information except for any plans that effect her or my daughter.)
I responded that I still feel unsafe talking with her, and that I don't know how feel safe enough to just be "happy" with her without working out some of our relationship issues first. We agreed to just let that be for a while and think about it. Despite my growing boundary skills, I don't feel ready to jump into the deep end deliberately yet. So...
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Things seem to be going better. My wife actually asked me to talk today. Maybe if I make her happy enough (submerge my feelings), she might be willing to work on her problems one day.
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Of course she came to me, I haven't been talking with her except for procedural issues. I haven't been volunteering personal information. I have been setting and enforcing my boundaries with her. It seems likely that she has noticed that I'm not chasing her anymore. (Is she hoovering? Being nice when I back off, only to return to her old habits when I return to mine?) Of course things seem better right now, I'm not sharing my true thoughts and feelings with her. "We" aren't working out any issues. "We" aren't making any progress.
Give me what I want first, then I'll give you what you want. How many times did I fall for that eternally unkept promise in the past? If the pattern holds, I will never be able to make her happy "enough" to start giving me anything in return. I'm not going there with anyone ever again. I don't feel comfortable doing that for her right now, so I hold my boundary and say "no."
In a way, I think we both would like the same thing, to feel safe with each other. Her way is to ignore the issues until she feels safe enough and promise to then work on them when and if that happens. That's an awfully conditional agreement. My way is to address the issues and have that be one part of the relationship, along with the fun stuff. I don't see anyway out of this impasse except for one person giving up their position. I'm not the person to just give in any longer.
It makes sense that she associates me with fear and heaviness. I wouldn't take no for an answer, kept bringing up our unresolved issues, kept challenging her defenses and denial, and was angry and resentful towards her for many years. I feel unsafe, and I am no longer willing to risk my safety around her to try to resolve things. I no longer feel caring or compassion towards her and am utterly unmotivated to take personal risks for an undemonstrated reward. I still feel a little guilty about that. Like I wasn't strong enough to keep loving her, no matter what. The romantic ideal. I keep reminding myself that I am only human and that I reached my limits, that's all. It doesn't mean I'm a "wrong" or uncaring person.
So why do I still get a thrill of delight to find out that she's trying to find a way to work things out with me? Or is she? That's my interpretation. She didn't actually make any comittment to wokring anything out. She wanted to get what she wants first, then on that mythical day she will start to work on the relationship. Typical co-dependent stuff, I suppose. I have to keep reminding myself that her idea of work things out means she gets what she wants, first adn then give to me only if she feels like it. My idea means that we actually work things out in a
mutually beneficial way. I haven't heard her voice any support for that type of approach.
She also said that she was fine with my not feeling right about getting money for our anniversary. She wanted to know if I felt the same about Christmas, since we hadn't done anything for each other then either. I told her that no, this was about our anniversary. She asked if I would be willing to consider giving each other belated money for Christmas. (I wonder if this was truly the main reason she talked with me today?) I told her that I would think about it, but wanted to check out our financial situation first to make sure that is not going to be a problem.
I don't get any sense of comittment, willingness to change, or caring from her. At this point, I am in the same state. I no longer care, I'm not willing to commit sight unseen, and I just don't care for her any longer. I'm tired of looking to her to change those things and being disappointed. Those are my things, and I accept that that is how I feel today. I'm no longer going to try to change the way I feel.