I had therapy with my old therapist earlier today. I was afraid and shaking some as I went in. I dived right in explaining where I'm at with things.
My therapist said "maybe you're having a hard time making this decision because its a complicated, hard decision to make." So simple that it never even ocurred(sp?) to me! I've been looking for what's wrong with me. I never stopped to think that maybe its just plain HARD! He also said, that maybe I'm biting off too big a piece to work on. Instead of worrying about whether there will be a next relationship and what it will be like, and whether it will be safe, just do what I need to do today with the relationship that I have now. He suggested telling S how I feel and being vulnerable with my fear and sadness about the situation, without resorting to anger to be heard through her defenses. I had been planning to do this in our next joint counseling anyway.
I believe that the most helpful thing he did for me today was trust me. He didn't try to solve the problem, and in fact just barely pulled one thread of the web and trusted me to do the rest. For where I'm at right now, it was exactly what I needed to hear, and no more. I honestly was thinking that this was going to take a while, uncovering layer after layer. I think that I've been building up to this for a long time. The only thing EVER wrong with me is that I kept trying to convince myself that there was something wrong with me, instead of there being womething wrong with the people I grew up with. I'm under no illusions that I'm through dealing with this, but I made a major step today with my therapists help, and I'll never be the same.
On the way out (literally) I realized that what I've been reluctant to let go, what I've been defending by getting angry instead of afriad or sad about is my dreams for my marriage to S. I've gone over and over the "steps of grief" from various sources and have never read or heard this described. I've have many, many dreams, expectations, and aspirations that I hoped, expected and longed to have fulfilled through my marriage. These are not pipe dreams or wishes to have someone take care of me in place of me. These are realizable goals given a committed partner, hard work and time.
I typed up a list tonight of all my hopes and dreams for this marriage, printed it, and deleted the file. I took them outside, read them one by one and pictured them flying off. Then I burned the list. Very symbolic, huh? I felt like I needed something more concrete to let these cherished hopes and dreams go. I know that many of these will come back to roost with me again in another place and another time, but are not possible in this marriage. I'm crying now, because these dreams weren't selfish. They included everyone involved (wife, daughter, family and I) being fulfilled and getting their needs met. They may be a bit idealistic, but I'm not about to give that part of myself up! I love my dreams like the children I've never had. Its hard to put the final nail in this coffin and admit that these beautiful dreams are truly and finally dead, but I have.
Now, I'm not sure that I even want to try to express my sadness and fear to S without getting angry. But, I'm feeling like I want to do it for me and leave the emotional relationship in a way with closure for me. Even if she were able to respond with connection, understanding and empathy, it is too late. I have let go the last of my pigeons. There is only her and I, everyone else is already gone. All that is left is the last goodbye.
I hope that this is not overly poetic or maudlin. I have had 2 glasses of wine tonight. If it is, well, this is really me in the moment. I don't know what else to say, goodnight.
