Well, he IS driving me nuts, but I recover quickly once at home, because it's only 3.5-4 hours/day. I imagine caring for him will get more difficult rather than less, and he may recover so well that he lets me go anyway. We've discussed this and I told him I completely understand we're taking it one week at a time, and that I'd be happy for him if he didn't need my help again after recovering from his next procedure.
PR, good reminder not to overuse N without deep reason (I agree it's become a shallow shorthand in media). That said, I believe I'm correct. Happy to alternatively call him deeply entitled, insensitive and lacking empathy, and totally self absorbed. Age and infirmity can bring these out in others, but I've known a lot of very old people and he's a...err...real piece of work. The THREE people it took to placate and please him put in a huge amount of effort for a solid month. His primary friend (retired from Foreign Service) got fed up first and backed away fastest.
So my employer has brought it up several times and when he does, I'm just telling him very briefly what I think. (We're in the same church community so I feel the capacity to share more honestly. AND because I believe I'll find other assignments if this one ends--or I choose to end it.) I told him...(again) his friend had been quite seriously unwell himself. And exhausted (he'd spent a nine-hour stretch one day when he was near falling over from stress). He said, "I need to smooth this over because he's the main person who does X and Z and Z for me." And then he discussed several other people who used to be useful and now are not. ZERO acknowledgement of others' own issues except how they either are/or aren't of service to him. (He's not in pain now--that was only right after discharge when he'd missed a dose.)
He finally asked me for advice. (He had a whole interpretation that was all about being "right" about a situation with that friend. And making the friend...wrong.) I said, well, you can make peace or you can be right, which would you like to do? He said, I need to smooth this over. I said, have you thought about saying, "I'm sorry?" That might be helpful. (This was after a truly nasty, epic, entitled email where he tore everybody--4 people including me--a new one for treating him as someone who can't make all his own decisions. He was infuriated beyond what most folks that age are about the various incremental losses of control. The point is, all his close friends are volunteers who genuinely care/d about him--were all trying madly to HELP, and the only thing he focused on was when someone guessed one of his needs--or non-needs--incorrectly.) After pondering, he said, "But what would I be apologizing FOR?" I said, Your tone, I think. Just your tone.
He also can get a really nasty edge when you displease him. I placed one knife in a different location and he went on about it. And sort of mocked my "tidying up." (I could see how he'd have been as a critical, controlling spouse.) Seriously, I believe he's a full-tilt N. Underneath the former twinkle and charm is someone used to always being kowtowed to. And I ain't. And I'm glad I have a simpler reason for being around him.
I'm still kind to him, deliberately cheerful, and very patient. He does not concede one inch (same as my mother, whom he reminds me of) about anything, and likes to read aloud an INFINITE number of pieces of paper or mail. She used to do that...she would read anything aloud, no matter how trivial, to keep a listener locked on. Difference? Mom got my attention/obedience for 10 years for free. I'm not giving it away to my employer. I am getting paid a good wage, which I need, so for that reason, I can cope. (With Mom, I felt exploited/trapped.)
Tupp, I hear your thoughts about wondering how unconditional love might affect your mother in great old age. I did have that one healing moment with my mother when my pain seemed to register and offend her sense of values about what my brother had done. But on balance, the sacrifice was too deep. It cleaned things up for me but it was a decade of pain to get there. I don't believe I'd do it again.
This job is an interesting challenge and truly may be short-term. Thanks for listening!
hugs
Hops
PS--the other thing is, he's a serious tightwad even though (his PoA told me, though he shouldn't have) he has a couple million. Depression era child, I get it. But he makes it an unpleasant thing for everyone he's tasked with making purchases for him. He'll spend literally hours on the phone to get a small refund of something or other...while also telling me he wants his mountain of paperwork sorted. But I'm not allowed to make a single decision about a tiny piece of paper dated years ago. This is just personality+beginning loss of focus from age, I think.
AND, it makes me look at my own office/paperwork challenge in a more urgent light. I don't want anyone else to have to do that for me!!!!!
PPS- Amber, have fun with the manly men! Sorry about the sewer pipe and the stinky water.
