Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
JustKathy:
--- Quote ---Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy?
--- End quote ---
I think I can, at least some of it. My career isn’t coming back, but being out of the workplace has freed me up to pursue something I’ve always wanted to do, which is write. Unfortunately I keep getting stalled by obstacles related to the Ns in my life. Even though I’ve always been told that I’m a good writer, and even have some published articles, I still lack the self confidence to believe in my own work. First it was my N mum, then it was my husband, who I now realize is also an N.
I need to find a new therapist to help me work on my self esteem. I have two books partially written, but I keep walking away from them believing that my work is no good, or that no one would want to read what I have to say (N-husband has repeatedly said that about the memoir I started). In many ways, he’s done more emotional damage than N-Mother did. I know I need to exit the relationship in the same way that I left my N-mother, but this one is going to take a lot of time and planning. Leaving a bad marriage isn’t easy when you have a house full of pets, no source of income, and crippling anxiety.
So right now I’m caught in this endless loop of going from inspired, to being discouraged, and back again. I need to follow your advice and give myself the encouragement that I should have gotten from “loved ones,” but didn’t. I can’t do it alone, though. I definitely need to find a new therapist to help me out of this funk.
--- Quote ---I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not. I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's ...
--- End quote ---
It's very hard to accept, especially when the person causing the unhappiness is someone you love (or used to love). Having the knowledge that the person suffered from a personality disorder is only a small comfort. I know my mother had NPD, and I know why she did what she did, but that knowledge isn't going to help me accept the situation on any level. I have personal unhappiness from things I did to myself, like leaving jobs that I should have stuck with, but those were my own decisions. I was able to learn from my own mistakes and not repeat them. Unhappiness inflicted by another is a wound that simply won't heal.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: JustKathy on June 05, 2017, 03:28:17 PM ---
--- Quote ---Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy?
--- End quote ---
I think I can, at least some of it. My career isn’t coming back, but being out of the workplace has freed me up to pursue something I’ve always wanted to do, which is write. Unfortunately I keep getting stalled by obstacles related to the Ns in my life. Even though I’ve always been told that I’m a good writer, and even have some published articles, I still lack the self confidence to believe in my own work. First it was my N mum, then it was my husband, who I now realize is also an N.
I need to find a new therapist to help me work on my self esteem. I have two books partially written, but I keep walking away from them believing that my work is no good, or that no one would want to read what I have to say (N-husband has repeatedly said that about the memoir I started). In many ways, he’s done more emotional damage than N-Mother did. I know I need to exit the relationship in the same way that I left my N-mother, but this one is going to take a lot of time and planning. Leaving a bad marriage isn’t easy when you have a house full of pets, no source of income, and crippling anxiety.
So right now I’m caught in this endless loop of going from inspired, to being discouraged, and back again. I need to follow your advice and give myself the encouragement that I should have gotten from “loved ones,” but didn’t. I can’t do it alone, though. I definitely need to find a new therapist to help me out of this funk.
--- Quote ---I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not. I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's ...
--- End quote ---
It's very hard to accept, especially when the person causing the unhappiness is someone you love (or used to love). Having the knowledge that the person suffered from a personality disorder is only a small comfort. I know my mother had NPD, and I know why she did what she did, but that knowledge isn't going to help me accept the situation on any level. I have personal unhappiness from things I did to myself, like leaving jobs that I should have stuck with, but those were my own decisions. I was able to learn from my own mistakes and not repeat them. Unhappiness inflicted by another is a wound that simply won't heal.
--- End quote ---
Aw Kathy, it's very difficult when you realise you are in an external situation that makes it difficult to do the things you need and want to do, such as a difficult marriage, unpleasant job etc. I do think good therapists are worth their weight in gold. I think just having someone else doing some of the work for you helps, so that you don't have to constantly be the one to tell yourself you're good, you're worth it, you're not a failure. It is nice to hear positive (yet not sycophantic) encouragement from other people. It is a good food for the soul. And I agree, I can see that my mum 'has problems' but I struggle with all the people around her who have never stepped in, particularly when my sister and I were little. We had relatives who could just have taken us for days out every now and again or had us to stay for the weekend, just to give us a bit of respite from her, but no-one bothered. I think what's great about a good therapist is that they can pull out the good bits in that mire of negativity; it's very hard to see the gold when you're digging through dirt. But I do remember a therapist pointing out to me that my upbringing had made me resourceful, compassionate, empathetic, hard working and a whole list of other positive traits (which I should have written down, lol). I hope you can find a good T. I experience the loop of enthusiasm, going for it, getting knocked back, feeling too tired to get back on the horse and so on. I've been shockingly tired all this week but for some reason today I am feeling enthusiastic again. There's no rhyme or reason to it sometimes. x
Twoapenny:
I am feeling reckless? Energised? Strong? Foolhardy? I'm really not sure which. But I am feeling that I am at some sort of crossroads, mostly, I think, because my son is coming to the age of transitioning from child to man (or half man maybe, I don't know if child to man is too big a leap! But certainly no longer a child). I am probably at the half way ish point of my life and I am thinking that if I want my life to change quite drastically then I do need to get my bum into gear and do something about that. I'm also aware that my health is suffering, largely through stress and exhaustion, and that my son will need life time care and that obviously I won't be able to provide that for him.
I am finding myself wondering if I've put too much emphasis on enduring a crappy situation and if I should put more emphasis on changing my crappy situation. I know that all of our earlier experiences with child protection stuff (via my mum) really knocked my confidence and I have just wanted to hide for a long time now. I spend a lot of time and money on health related stuff but at the same time I'm aware that my health related problems could probably be helped by us doing more fun stuff and enjoying ourselves more. I feel scared of venturing out into the big wide world again but I am getting to the point where staying like this is frightening me more.
Soooo - I'm not too sure what to do next! I'm still struggling to prioritise my time and work out what's most important. Short term or long term goals. Planning for things that haven't happened yet, but that are possibilities and will cause a lot of stress if they do happen. Perhaps enjoying myself more will mean I cope with the stress better if it does happen. I am very frightened to show any kinks in my armour, particularly when it can affect my son. Although he is older and stronger now and isn't as vulnerable as he used to be. Anyway, I'm going to try and will keep you updated :) x
Twoapenny:
Following on from my ruminations yesterday about accepting crappy situations, I have been thinking about this more and more. I have been trying to find some meaning in all the horrible things that have happened to me over the years and some sort of spiritual depth to it all, along the lines of suffering makes you wise, develops you as a person and so on. And part of that has been practising acceptance and trying to be happy within my situation. But I am starting to wonder where the line is between acceptance and resignation, and what the difference is between accepting and failing to strive, or a lack of ambition?
I'm finding it quite perplexing (and very interesting!) because as the years have gone on our situation has got worse. There are fewer and fewer people in my life that I want to have around me. Money gets tighter each year - world economics going on there so slightly limited in some of the ways I can deal with that. I get more and more tired, my health dips a little lower. My son's needs keep increasing, mostly through age (as in the amount of care he needs compared to a teenager his age increases as the gap between him and his peers grows as he gets older). My mum is still soldiering on, lol, and ten years ago I honestly thought that she wouldn't last more than another couple due to the four decades she has spent pickling her liver and being obnoxious to people but still she thrives.
So I am starting to wonder if I should have been less accepting of the cards I was being dealt. I've talked a lot on here about being hurt by 'friends' turning out to be anything but and how much that's hurt and upset me, but I've been thinking over the last couple of years about what life might have been like if I'd followed the Uni/good career/world wide travel plan that I'd longed for since I was a teenager and whether I'd have been friends with any of the people I've been so upset about and do you know what, the answer's no. How bizarre is that? I've spent the last four years feeling sorry for myself and wondering what it is about me that puts people off and makes them not like me and the truth is we only became friends because our paths crossed at certain times and I've been desperate to find something good in our bad situation. I wanted a family and wanted to create one from other people and I've had this notion for a long time that 'the cosmos' is at work somehow and was putting me in those situations so that I could meet these people and they would be my salvation, and there's no doubt that at the time I enjoyed their company and wouldn't have coped if I'd been as alone and friendless as I am now, but the truth is if I'd got my fancy teaching job abroad after my son was born and had then spent the next two years travelling with him these aren't people I'd have bothered to keep in touch with. And yet I've never realised that before. How weird is that.
I don't really know where that leaves me, other than feeling that I want change. I want more excitement in my life, just not the kind created by my mum and other people. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want, other than it's something more.
Twoapenny:
Argh! Following on from my earlier thoughts I found myself yesterday wanting to be more spontaneous and getting out more. With that in mind, we went out for a walk. I decided to drive to a pond that I know, nice place to walk and teaming with wildlife but we rarely go there because when we go out for a walk I usually make it 'practical' so we walk to the village to run errands or down to the old train track (which means we don't waste petrol using the van). But I fancied a change of scene so we went further afield. I also decided to take the camera, the video camera and a few toys. What I thought about as we were driving over there is that my head is full of ideas about things to do - photos to take, videos to shoot, projects to work on, but I rarely get on with any of it because I feel I have a long list of things I must do first. For example, for my son to shoot a video I feel it ought to be from an educational perspective, so I feel we should script it first so that it is done 'properly'. I would love to sell photographs that I take but before I embark on that I feel I ought to sift through the hundreds of photos I already have, sell what I can, learn all about lighting, buy a better camera and so on. I was thinking about all of that as we drove along and I realised how many conditions I impose on myself before I allow myself to do things. It has to be right. And so I spend a lot of time planning, but not so much actually getting anything done (or just enjoying myself in the process)
With all of that in mind, I handed my son the video camera and he shot his own little film with no input from me. While he was doing that, I took some photos of trees just for fun. We went on our walk, my son took the camera and took pictures of whatever he fancied. The pond is near an old steam train site, and the train went chugging past as we were walking by. We chatted to a few dog walkers as we went around and enjoyed the sun.
I made some notes when we got home of other things we could do - a ride on the steam train, learn a bit more about film making, learn a few more types of tree or bird. This morning I got up and started rifling through books. We have masses of information here that I just don't pick up often enough and say to my son "Let's go and find an oak tree and learn all about it". I also decided to try to learn more about sailing - he's been going for years and I've just looked on it as a leisure activity rather than learning about it, so I went online to order a book about sailing knots and sailing techniques.
While I was doing that it occurred to me that I have gone off piste. I work to a list that always has daily things to do (yoga, exercise, meal planning, school work with son and so on) and because I stick to this list there isn't really much time to get on with things. I realised I have a thing in my head that I can't attempt 'stuff' if I haven't done all the things on my list. And then the memory of my T telling me, probably six or seven years ago now, that my list making habits were all about control and safety, actually really made sense to me for the first time. I can see what she means now. If I do everything on my list, then I can try the other things I want to do and it will be safe, because I've taken care of 'business' first. But what I realised happens is I never (or very rarely) get through my list and so I rarely try the other things. The next day I reset and go back to the beginning of the list, so I don't have the time, again, to try other stuff.
I'm not sure if this is making any sense because it's sort of pouring out of my head at the minute.
I think it relates back to the child abuse allegations - ten years ago now. If I do everything on my list - the sensible, boring stuff - then no-one can accuse me of not looking after him properly. But it just occurred to me as I'm typing this up that it isn't actually the end of the world if we go out, unplanned, and have chips for lunch instead of a proper meal, or if he's wearing odd socks because I haven't done any laundry yet this week. Saying it seems obvious but I know that these minor things have terrified me over the years - any slight mistake on my part could give them an opportunity to take him away from me. I'm not sure whether I feel relieved or revolted at the minute, I suddenly feel it's clear that I've been living a half life for the last decade because of what they did to me and the unfairness of it all.
So - I'm knackered after all of that! Lol. We are going sailing - in the wind and the rain today. We're going to go for a ride on that steam train this afternoon. I haven't done my food prep for the day, or the washing, or micromanaged my son - in fact I'm not even sure what he's up to at the minute, it's very quiet so I should probably check! Not sure whether I feel elated or scared. Bit blown away at the moment in all honesty.
Thank you for reading if you got to the end of all that. I've no idea if it makes any sense at all!
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