Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Hopalong:
OOO, Judge's robe is coming off and her dingy bra strap shows, eh? Love that you're arguing back.
You do ahead and be shrill and bug-eyed and lost in the toes-feel...this is GREAT, Lighter. You got no image to bother about, here.
I really like the sound of your new T. Some stories ARE complicated and trauma-full and take a while. You take however long you need. Let the Judge squawk, until one day she realizes nobody's interested in her.
KUDOS.
And Kathy, I'm so happy you continue to read and feel free to write when you can...and are helped. It's good to have your company here, whenever it works for you.
Hugs
Hops
lighter:
I didn't get my 3 pages in this morning.... the pen wouldn't write, then it exploded as I flicked it around to get the ink going, and then I picked up another pen, but the red ink was alarming and so I felt alarmed.... TODAY I'M NOT SUPPOSED to WRITE! Oh dear, I hope I'm supposed to be doing something else.... and it took me several hours to get beyond that spiral. What if what if what if..... and on it did go. I'm picky about pens (Only fine point, please), and a little superstitious, I admit.
At the end of the day I put on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9qMlVUxUaA, wrapped myself in a soft vintage blanket warm from the dryer, lit 3 candles on the back porch and snuggled with the Pug before sundown. We napped, and woke up after dark. Ahhh.... the video was lovely, as are so many of this author's.
::sigh::
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Just writing this here as I wanted somewhere to put it before the memory fades and this is always the safest place :) WARNING - MAY TRIGGER - SORRY.
I have been pottering along with my slower paced, healthier life. I've been meditating most days, doing a bit of yoga, spending time in the garden, putting my feet up and reading and generally looking after myself and being less frantic. I had a bit of a 'ooh hoo' moment when several things happened at once and I went into rescue mode but it was over very quickly, I paced myself again, reset my boundaries and carried on. It was my son's birthday last week and we had a lovely time with a few friends over and a day out.
I went down with a very heavy cold (I do find that resting and looking after myself does tend to make me react in some way, I suppose your body lets out toxins or stress or something?). I've looked after myself, plenty of fluids, lots of Vitamin C and so on, but had a terribly sore throat that I couldn't shift. One of the meditiations I've been using works on clearing and realigning the chakras and one school of thought is that a sore throat indicates a blocked throat chakra so when I woke at 2am the night before last with my throat literally screaming I tried a throat chakra meditiation.
I had the most horrendous flashback, all physical, with the only other sense being a feeling of being in my childhood bedroom. I could feel something being forced into my throat, not being able to breathe, fighting and struggling to get away and not being able to. The feeling of control and being forced to surrender was awful. My legs were pumping as if I were trying to run but I couldn't get up from the bed. It was almost like an out of body experience, I think, as one part of my mind was terrified whilst the other was quite calming thinking "it's a flashback. It's not really happening again." It didn't last for very long; I was sobbing and felt very small and vulnerable but at the same time did feel some sort of sense of release and of something being 'out there'. I didn't really sleep much again that night but the following day was nice and sunny so it was nice to spend time in the garden. Last night I couldn't sleep again, my throat was still very sore and this morning I woke and literally had no voice, which I always think is funny when we have all felt so voiceless at times that sometimes it becomes a physical reality. It is starting to come back now, though, which my son is very disappointed about :)
I do feel tired and a bit out of it (and I did keep losing time yesterday, I noticed) but I also feel that something has been unblocked and let out. I think maybe the fact that we've moved and feel safer is one thing, and maybe my son's age is triggering things off now as well. Either way, I am glad this is happening here in our new home where at least I can sit in our lovely garden rather than the old place where I'd have been feeling glum anyway.
As I say, just parking this here for now so it doesn't get lost as the week moves on. Very, very glad to have this safe space, as always xx
lighter:
((((Tupp)))) There you are!
I was wondering what you were up to.
So sorry about the flashback. Sorry it's so present and frightening.... but glad it's coming OUT....
glad you're moving down the path and away from the past. Be kind and gentle with yourself..... you deserve compassion, and empathy. If you stay with this, it will pass, IME. You can't be harmed any more...... not if you let it out, so you can let it go, IME.
Reading about your new self care rituals, in your new safe space..... your garden, with your feet up...... truly feels like headway. Feeling better isn't ever DONE. It's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back thing, and you're doing a wonderful job, IME.
It's cold here now. How is it over the Pond?
Lighter
Hopalong:
Oh, honey. (((((((Tupp)))))))).
Your clarity and maturity as you describe what happened almost makes me hesitate
about saying "I'm sorry this happened." I AM sorry that it happened to little you.
Wordlessly sorry.
But somehow I feel as though this flashback is a way for you to so completely love
and comfort yourself, with zero shame or filter between you and just totally loving
that brave girl who endured so much...
....And became this brave woman, who has looked at her life with clear eyes, an
ever-wiser mind, and heart of a lion.
I don't even know why I put it this way, but I so hope you are proud of yourself.
Just plain proud. Nothing to defend, apologize away, or question.
YOU are the best friend you ever could have.
I am awed.
love,
Hops
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