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How Do You Manage Your Stress?

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lighter:
Hi Tupp:

The girls knew some things, but were largely in the dark about the negative aspects of the paternal side of the family.... which seems odd, looking back.  I didn't tell them bc I was lazer focused on shielding them from it.  Children are 50/50 mom and dad in their hearts... I wanted them to feel strong, and whole.  I shared only positive information about the paternal side of the family..... there are positive things, and it wasn't easy to focus on them, but it felt like an imperative when the kids were small..... all the way up to present, really. 

Two things can be true at the same time. 

Sheltering them  harmed them and me, certainly, in several ways, but there were no good choices.  Telling or not telling.   I think we're all shocked together.  I have distance now, and perspective I didn't have before.  It's a shocking story.

Pulling weeds for 6hours yesterday was walking meditation.  I was looking forward to 6 more hours today, but it's raining.... and my back is complaining. 

Final analysis.... I'm glad I protected the children, but wish I'd given them a bit more information about the paternal side of the family along the way.  It would have felt corrosive, however.... like pouring acid on their souls.

I have to say this about both of my children.... they're very compassionate towards their paternal grandparents.

They're just now able to look at me with as much compassion, IMO.  I think I did the best I could at the time.

I think my children believe everyone was doing their best.  They understand their Grandparents were operating from a wounded place.  My oldest was very effected by paternal grandmother's words against me.... designed to weaponize my child.  Some people's understanding of children as weapons...
::shaking head::
leveraging children's emotional and physical safety.....
 I won't ever understand.
I'll likely always be triggered, but I have to find some way to make peace with it.  My children healing is the beginning of that, IME.

It's been a struggle to not be bitter about it.  Esp when the harmful people present themselves as victims or DO terrible things while claiming it's in the interest of the children they're harming.

 You know there are people who believe them..... you know those ignorant people don't want the facts. They want to believe the fiction.... maybe their lives would be hell if they dared question it.  Maybe they heard a version of the story that provoked a very strong emotional response... Judges, etc...... I don't know.  What I do know is that my life is better when I transcend the past, forgive those who do damage, and find a way to be present here and now.

It does come and go.
Lighter
ps  It's very difficult to transcend when the nutters continue to do harm, IME. 

Twoapenny:
It's very difficult to know what to tell, and when, and how, and to also be aware of your own state, whether or not you are being fair/reasonable/objective, too fair, too understanding, and also having to cope with their emotions when your own are in such a state of flux.  I love what you said about it being difficult to transcend when the nutters come to do harm!  So very true, keeping your own mind and your own calm wave length is very difficult when other people are firing rockets at you.  An idea keeps floating through my mind of some sort of communal living space where people can stay whilst going through tough times.  The loneliness was very hard to cope with during all of our 'stuff' and I always thought having a supportive community would have been lovely.

The weekend has been an odd one.  My step-brother came for the day on Saturday (it was his birthday).  He has learning difficulties and a difficult/unpleasant personality (he is very much his father's son and it's difficult to know where the learning difficulties end and the personality problems start).  His blood family do nothing for him (his dad didn't even give him a birthday card).  I do not have the heart to just leave him by himself all weekend so invited him for lunch.   By the end of the day I was ready to shoot myself and am still tired now.  We went to a friend's for a drink in the evening; it was nice but a couple of hours was more than enough.  We did quite a bit on the Sunday as my son's health is picking up so we made the most of it.  I feel unnourished - not in a food way but in a soul way.  I don't feel I have anywhere near enough deep, meaningful connections in my life.  I don't feel that I am being nurtured in anyway, either by myself or anyone else.  I am doing yoga and meditating, eating fairly well, resting, but it feels like something is missing; I'm not really sure what.  People, maybe, loving connections?  I'm not sure.  I feel that I would like someone I could sink into sometimes, without having to explain what's wrong or why I feel the way I do.  Just that unconditional acceptance, I suppose.

Twoapenny:
I think it is time to say bye bye nice girl Tup.  And probably bye bye Facebook as well.  And maybe just generally bye bye to a lot of people from my past.  This is a bit rambly so bear with me!

Yesterday I had to go for an afternoon nap because the weekend had tired me out so much.  I also felt very anxious and unsure of myself, I think because I'd had to go the doctor for my pap smear (I don't know if you call them that in the States?  But the check you have done to catch cancer of the cervix in its early stages).

I have had 'women's problems' ever since I started my periods when I was fourteen.  I've had numerous interventions regarding cancer of the cervix over the years, always before any major problems occur, fortunately.  There is now a problem with doing the smear tests as it isn't always possible to get to it, apparently, so I'd had a nurse poking about in there for ten minutes without any luck last month, thereby necessitating the visit to the doctor to try again, which meant another ten minutes of poking around.  It's quite painful, very embarrassing and I was lying there thinking there's really not much difference between this and being raped.  Even though consent is given, I only give it because having cancer is worse than having the test so it doesn't really feel like a choice (and obviously I am very sensitive to that sort of stuff because of the earlier abuse).

Anyway, I got very upset about the whole thing and I'm pretty sure it was largely because I'd spent the day with my step-brother at the weekend and obviously that triggers a whole lot of stuff, plus he is just a nightmare to spend time with and very tiring.  I only see him because I feel sorry for him and I don't want him to feel lonely and a big part of that is down to being NICE GIRL TUP.  I do always feel very compelled to help people out and I don't want to lose that aspect of my personality but at the same time I think I do need to remember that I actually need a lot of care and support that I don't get and the same is true of my son.

A former friend posted on Facebook that she was having a tough time, I offered to help.  She said that she'd sorted help out now but would love to see us so I made arrangements to visit this week.  This morning she's posted a load of racist stuff on Facebook and I just don't want to be around it.  I found I was already rattling through in my head, fact checking so that if she says something when we visit I can politely point out the inaccuracy of the posts she's been putting up (it's all to do with money refugees are given to live on and it's basically all false and designed to get people riled up and angry so it's not opinion, it's proveable fact).  I was starting to get anxious about going and could feel myself putting on my armour and then I thought, no, NICE GIRL TUP!  Why are you putting yourself in this position?  Go and visit someone you can chat with without having to memorise a load of numbers so that you don't have to sit there and agree with the nonsense they're talking.

And so it went on.  And actually, as I'm writing this, it's making me realise that the Universe was pointing a big stick at me and saying "Get rid of these people, turkey brain!".  My sister is still posting paedophile stuff on Facebook; I keep hiding the sites she's posting but she keeps finding new ones and putting them up and the utter blindness of the reality of her own family is just so typical of my entire bloody family.  It was my niece's birthday at the weekend and we weren't invited to her party and I would lay money it was because my mum was in the area and might have popped in - and my sister doesn't have the balls to say 'Tup's coming with son so you'll have to meet with us another day'.  Needless to say my mum didn't visit anyway (I knew she wouldn't) and I'm not playing second fiddle to that basket of crazy.

Anyway - I need to stop doing nice things for people that really don't appreciate it (or even notice it, a lot of the time) and concentrate on doing nice things for myself so that will be today's lesson for me.  Thank you for reading all that waffle lol x

lighter:
Hi Tupp:

I was asked by my 14yo dd yesterday if I noticed how often I end up in bad positions.... taken advantage of... that sort of thing.  She asked bc I was unable to tell her she can have or wear my wedding dress when she marries....

bc.....

I loaned my wedding dress to someone who not only hasn't returned it, but I do believe they had no intention of wearing it when they took it.  That seems odd to me as I write it.  I can't imagine DOING that.... it makes zero sense to me, and therefore.... I feel rather lost contemplating it. 

That means I offer to do things and do things when asked that I HAVE NO BUSINESS OFFERING OR DOING in DD's opinion, and it was funny that she said it bc I was just starting to have similar thoughts myself.

About my dress.... I finally asked it be returned to me, which means it must be packed and brought back across the planet.  I was told..... "If ___________ isn't loaded down with other stuff, she'll bring it."    :shock: WTH?

That pretty much says I won't ever see it again....that I was a foolish fool for extending that kindness.  Except I once borrowed a wedding dress for a relative to wear.... took it outside the US, had it repaired when back in the US and thanked the person for allowing me to use it AS I RETURNED THE DRESS as soon as a priority.  Does that me a fool too?  That I returned it in as good a shape as I borrowed it?  See.... it never occurred to me to do anything else.  It wouldn't.

Tupp..... I have some pretty messed up expectations...... I expect that people will DO and FEEL the way I do.  It's so whack.... that I haven't figured that out yet, and stopped. 

I hereby today, this the 25th day of April, give us both permission to STOP being nice to everyone no matter how they treat us.  I hereby find that we are released from being nice people to those who haven't earned or have lost our trust.  To those who have treated us badly, or are unsafe in general. 

That's easy to say, but how will we handle the riots in our hearts and heads when we start saying NO and stop offering to do nice things?  I'm going to put my hand on those places, and pay attention to them..... I'm going to do my best not to give in and do do do nice things to stop the riot in the moment.

I'm sorry you had a rough day with the sb and sorrier about the painful doctor's office..... you're so tough, and amazing..... you got the job done, but dang......

Find a good nurse practitioner with some skills or doctor and stick with them if you can is my suggestion.  Some people are more talented than others, and you deserve to have a very competent person handling your medical care (((Tupp))).

The same with drawing blood from tiny deep veins..... some people are great at it, and worth following or waiting for, IME.

I've been outside on a glorious day.... just glorious.  Go out into your garden, and pull weeds..... plant.... plan. It's going to be OK.

Lighter   

Twoapenny:
Lighter, your DD!  How is it that kids can be so perceptive and see things quicker than we do?  Maybe because they're not loaded down with the 'doing good' mentality and they can see the reality quicker.  She's amazing - can I borrow her for a while? :)  I'm sorry your dress is not where it should be though.  I am just like you; If I borrow something it goes back asap, usually with a little plant or some choccies as a thank you.  I do expect/assume everyone will be like me and do the right thing and it still surprises me when people don't!  So yes, I am grateful for the permission to stop being nice!  I've really conked out today, I've been so tired that I've got very little done and there is so much I could be doing to benefit myself and son (including just going out somewhere nice or cooking some nice food) and I thought, no, you've given to others, as usual, and now that you're knackered and worn out you're sitting here on your own because no-one else give's a tiny rat's arse.

I have taken a few steps; I cancelled going to see the friend I don't really want to see (and who isn't a friend), I've stayed off Facebook, my sister texted with details of her father in law's health problems and I've just said get well soon, step brother is now on the 'do not answer the phone' list.  I've jobs I want to get on and get done this week so I am concentrating on myself and son and everyone else can sort themselves out.

I do hope you get your dress back, though!  I just couldn't be that blase about someone else's things.

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