i've read a few posts on here, and i have to say i was mainly attracted here to make a post of my own, because i have questions..
well, i don't know what i'm hoping out of this.. as i've been told in session to state my purpose it would make the process easier for people to understand.. i guess i'm looking for some advice.. does this sound like i'm being raised into NPD?
recently i've been reading about NPD.. well, when i say recently i honestly can say i've only read about it for the day.. but i did spend the entire day, and probably over about 7-8 hours researching this particular topic.. i have reason to believe my parents are narcissists.. one of the athority figures where i attend school was questioning me a bit about my life situation.. and mentioned someting about me needing a voice.. well, i didn't know what she meant by all of this, and i'm still not quite exactly sure what she intended by it, but i did finish reading a 52 page file on accounts of it which sent me into a link to Voicelessness and narcissism.. and now i'm just baffled..
let me first say, that i know self diagnosis is unhealthy.. and i'm aware that i'm not a trained professional, and i could be totally wrong.. i'm open to any suggestions or constructive criticism, though.. i find a lot of my traits coincide with narccisstic ones.. when i started reading more into it, i realised i actually have a stronger relation to the introverted narcissist who needs a narcissist around to feel any kind of bonding or connection.. then i began thinking my parents are narcissists.. well, this is where things kind of started falling into place.. and i know i'm jumping the gun here.. and i could be wrong by doing this.. because i'm basically making a judgement on something that i've only read a day on, even though it's been so many hours of research.. and i did read extensively on the topic..
my father was handicapped when i was still only 2 years old.. and i've noted that this can play a part in it, says the great source of information known as wikipedia.. but among this, i've also placed other things into this as well.. when i was a child i distinctly remember my father hitting my mother.. yet, she denies this ever happened, and the most he ever did to her was maybe done as a joke and i was seeing it wrong.. but i distinctly remember screaming.. before this, when i was about 4 or 5, i can't remember anything of my childhood at all.. i remember times after, and i remember social workers giving my parents hassle and i never understood why.. one day the teacher in my class jokingly slapped my knee because i was doing something.. it may have even been in jest.. i don't remember it hurting.. but she did say, "i hardly touched you at all" so i burst into tears.. and she stood there baffled.. it was not but soon after this social workers began visiting, and if i remember correctly.. which i fear that i may not.. because i know a narcissists reality is totally tainted.. i just can't say for certain.. but the woman who birthed me never even told me why what was happening happened.. i never understood why these people wanted to try to give my family hassle for no reason.. i still can't say i know exactly why..
opon the age of 7 or so i lost my sibling who i looked to as pretty much a mother.. father beat her to the point she no longer wished to stay.. and she ended up in an abusive relationship in the end.. now is out of that.. thankfully..
when i was only a young child, i was raped.. the thing about this is.. i believed i was actually sharing some kind of bond with this person.. so i've had problems cateogirizing it.. but the proper thing would be.. statutory rape.. i somehow thought that i was getting something more than what i was missing from home.. but in reality, it was the same type of *attention* that i had seeked.. instant gratification attention.. a type that i provided this narcissist with attention.. so i could feel better by being used too.. and when the birthgivers discovered this.. i was instantly banished and dismissed.. told it was my fault.. my father, and brother blamed me totally.. mother claimed that it was father's way of caring.. but i think she is just trapped inside of his controlling nature.. she also justifies the beatings we all received, and herself has been known to punch and hit me for no apparent reason when things go stressful in her life..
mother also was in a very abusive relationship prior to meeting father and marrying.. he proposed only 2 weeks after seeing her.. i guess he knew what he wanted..
when i asked mother about why these things happened.. she denied them.. as did father.. wholeheartedly.. they both agree there was no wrong doing.. and that i must have imagined all of it, and to me this implied i was insane or just totally 'wrong'.. but the outcome of my family memebers leads me to believe otherwise.. yet another sister i have was also in abusive relations.. and she only just recently got out of this.. i myself have been in abusive relations.. except, i've closed myself off to the point where it would be impossible for me to have these in the real world.. so i sought them out online.. and i sought out what i believe to be replicas of my parents narcissistic tendencies.. someone who, found value in me, only because i was useful.. not because i am equal to them in any way, but because i am useful and can remind them of appointments and times they wish to watch tv.. i remember always feeling inferior..and i did this, because it's the only love i knew or had ever experienced.. when i slowly started to fumble at this, as i suppose i got tired of being a doormat all the time, and i was in serious substance abuse.. i was basically abandoned, but i know this was also of my own doing.. after i could not be used any more.. i became more like the significant other.. my next relationship was also disturbing.. and luckily i got out of that one too.. i'm at a loss here.. the relationship i was in was total misery for me when i was rejected.. but absolute bliss when i was accepted.. and i even overlooked being cheated on and things such as this.. in the end of it.. i sought revenge.. revenge which makes me cringe.. because i know i was delusioned and mirroring the exact behavior of the person i was with.. i was behaving exactly as they did.. justifying my wrong doing by believing i had been threatened somehow or done wrong.. putting the blame on the partner.. rather than learning from it and moving along.. i realised soon after that this was very wrong.. but it's like these types of people cluster together.. and it can be so stressful.. it seems like an infection almost of the mind..
one of the more recent happenings in the house has bothered me.. and i've been seriously considering just up and leaving within the past.. i need to get these people out of my life.. i feel like being around them i ultimately become them..
although the father has asked me to do his job for him now, because he has been caught in his own lies.. he claims that if he can't get the extra income we will be forced to sell the house.. and that we will be homeless on the streets.. when i look at this and take a step back from how i'm feeling right when he says that.. when i imagine it.. i realise he has just recently made purchases of thousands of dollars.. and within the past year has purchased a vehicle of $20,000 cash.. am i delusional or does this just seem wrong? it seems like he is trying to make me believe that i have the responsibility of my entire famiyl on me.. and if i don't do the job i will force the family into homelessness because he couldn't afford his lies? why should i be still taking care of these people.. i feel like i've been doing it my entire life.. like i've been used to make them look better.. and they never cared.. it was all about how good i could make them look by making straight As.. by being the perfect kid.. how dare i get raped and ruin the perfect image they had upholded for society to see.. how dare any of it.. because the father has been willing and able to disown siblings for things similar..
as a kid/teenager i always thought.. they only reason i am kept here with these people is because i make them look good.. they get money every year for me being here from the gov't.. the only reason they want me around at all is so they can make their friends look good.. and by not saying anything.. but never speaking up for myself, and believing they cared wehn they just wished to control me.. well, i thought staying silent on the matter was a demonstration of my loyalty to them.. it's what they claimed.. lie for me to prove yourself.. let me use you so you can be worthy of serving me.. oh come on.. i'm tired of this cr*pola.. pardon my french..
i do match a lot of the criteria for it, i admit.. but my parents seem to fit it to a T.. and i'm already very emotionally challanged.. but i really want help.. i do have emotions left in me.. and i do see things on tv which make me cry just because i long for it.. i do want to hug people i see and friends i have missed.. i just don't know how to confront these feelings.. i really want to work on this.. i am so afraid of the rejection i've receieved countless times by those who were supposed to be close to me.. the unfortunate thing is.. my sessions have ended now for roughly a month.. and i don't know if this is something i need to take care of now or not.. if it's simply me wishing to get more attention or if i'm really on to something here that i didn't realise before.. it's never ending.. a total head calamity.. i admit i do wish i could love and not be so crucial of others and myself.. but it almost seems like it's an impossibility.. what if i am growing into this, and once i'm 19 this will all be set.. my brain will totally be set and i'll be messed up for life in a delusion destroying people's lives, while i so quaintly justify it by my own selfish means.. and then, what if it is already too late.. and i have become something which i in reality loathe.. but i am already blinded by all of it..
this was a lot longer than i suspected, and the grammar is probably horrible... hope it wasn't too mcuh of a bore.. if you actually read this, then thanks.. i kind of just wanted to have a voice for once i guess.. even if it's only online..
what i really want to accomplish is finding a way to show that i care.. getting past the pride of not telling people happy birthday even when i want to.. giving people i appreciate hugs and letting them know.. which frightens me a lot at the moment.. i know hugging is healing.. and if i could go for one, i'm sure someone else out there shares the feeling somewhere..
thank you
