This and That

[sKePTiKal]

Slightly different - but same principle - is the concept known as "beach replenishment" in OBX.

There, they dredge up ocean floor sand to widen beaches that have shrunk to the point of being drowned at high tide. They started in Nags Head, and that has lasted a while; perhaps because re- and over-built Jennette's Pier usess concrete piers. Isabel, is the storm that took that pier out, I believe. Aquarium donors and public fundraising got that rebuilt.

In Kitty Hawk, it's a bit different story. The ocean front cottages are smaller; date back to 30s through 60s. That beach mostly eroded from the other direction due to Nor'easters (the sand all went to Nags Head - LOL). During a good high tide, the breakers would under the cottages; during storms - NC 12 would be under water. The intersection by Hurricane Mo's and the Black Pelican was washed out and replaced 3 times the last couple years I was there. Mother Nature clearly wants the Post Office (on the same side road facing the Bypass) to be ocean front. That will complicate one of the worst traffic bottlenecks anywhere on the beach. Just a half-mile north is the main junction to Duck Rd heading to the north beaches... and the escape route over the Wright Memorial bridge.

In Irene, it was the soundside that took a hit - and yes, it's had a repeat hit at least once.

There is no stopping the force of all that water, no matter WHAT you try to do - unless you provide a way for the force of the water/wind to dissipate under the buildings. The oldest ones have holes drilled in the floor - so that the water doesn't life the cottage off the pilings.

So, with a sea wall... the concept is to protect the land from being washed away by the water. People assume that it's the breakers that is the leading edge of the destructive force. But I believe its the suction/flow of water below the surface that undermines the sand enough to more easily pull the surface out. That's what happens under your feet standing in the surf, right?

Most sea walls are no higher than the surface of your property. If they are higher; it's no more than a foot. But the pilings that hold it all in place need to be DEEP. Think iceberg. To preserve the integrity of the wall - there needs to be enough gaps between the vertical boards (treated to withstand salt water) to allow the force of the water to dissipate between them. You'll still notice subsidence of the sand on the property side over time... but minimally. Even concrete/rebar will take a beating and be destroyed from the bottom up, unless you give the water somewhere to go - to mitigate the impact of the force of the waves.

So that's the general engineering idea. With that in mind, perhaps you'll be better able to choose a design and communicate with that contractor a little better. Do be aware that as storms get more extreme (we're entering an official solar minimum phase) Mother Nature is going to have her way with anything man-made and there's not a blessed thing any of us can do about it. Heard on the weather this morning, that NDakota is buried under 2 feet of snow today. Sounds late in the year for that, but not according to winters I remember as a kid. And the farmers will be grateful for the moisture, because it's the most they've gotten all winter. This will combine to shorten the growing season for wheat out there. I think the price of a loaf of bread is going to go up this year again.

[lighter]

OK...Amber, I was trying to avoid an actual anxiety loope today.... but I'm in one. 

You're right... if a direct hit on the island takes place.... the cottage can't be saved by any seawall.  THAT, coupled with all the work, expense, and ENERGY to GET MATERIALS TO THE ISLAND.... along with 45% duty, unbelievably high shipping and landing fees.....what it takes to get any job done..... 

sent me into a hot gut spiral. 

I'm going to tap, and work myself back to center before picking the kids up from school. 

I dread discussions about my father's estate.  People can't agree on what to have for lunch.

One day of being brain dead in front of the tv.... or just sleeping..... would be so nice, but I have to call the customs guy, see how bad that is, then get ready to leave town again while my oldest needs to go prom dress, and roller derby skate shopping, which I would absolutely love to relax into right now..... something normal please.  Oldest dd doesn't want to do these things with me.... she said she neeeeds to do it with her friends, and I don't see how I can make that happen right now, but it needs to happen soon, bc prom is around the corner.

Wow.... I have skills and tricks to stop this spiral, and I do remember them, but it's hard to remember before they land on my head, and attack my guts. 

I have noticed I'm calmer with things that used to send me spinning.  I have more patience.  I have more ability to observe, and I give myself credit, but.... I notice a fleeting unrealistic expectation I'll suddenly perfectly be incommand of my emotions, and manage them, which is nuts.  I'm practicing, getting better at it, but this is an ongoing, imperfect process.  The growth IS in the mistakes.  I have to remember that. 

Sometimes I worry that my calm is dissociation, or shock.... sometimes it IS shock lately, but recovery is quicker, and ability to remain level is improving. 

The journey continues.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter, if you're fixing up the beach property to sell, why not let the new owner build the seawall?
Is there a reason it HAS to be you?

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops has a good point.

Oh, I AM sorry that's what you took from what I hoped was a helpful bit of information. You don't need that right now. I hope you get your calm place back soon. I live with the daily awareness that life itself - to say nothing of what we plant or build - is not permanent. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it helps me keep those kinds of panic attacks away...lowers my "perfection" bar to "good enough" and "what I want".

[lighter]

Nooo, Amber... got so much more from it.  In that moment, I had a very clear image of the completed house getting swept off the beach.... it took my breath away.

I'm feeling much better now..... heh.

I always feel like Sarah Connor's character when I say or write that.  And I've written it a lot.

And.... the plan is to wait and see how I feel about the cottage before deciding what to build for a seawall.  If I'm selling I'll build a less impressive, but good looking wall.  If I want to keep it and hand it down to the kiddos.... a better wall will be built.  Right now there's no emergency, though many people, native and non natives, are telling me the beach won't stand another hurricane season.... I don't think that's quite right. 

I honestly think my immune system is frozen... deiciding what to do with me right now.  I'm the kind of person who gets through crisis, then collapses for a bit. 

I can help my grandfather cough up blood and lung and whatever else it was... then slide down walls when I leave the room, wondering how I did it.  I see my own blood or get a shot and faint. 

My breathing is all messed up.  Not sure why.... maybe muscles around lungs lock up.... something about breathing under stress goes all whacka doo.  Very familiar.  I think that alone escalates anxiety.

And....

I'm feeling a better now; )

That is a scary thing, right there.... when "I'm feeling better now" comes up for me.  I say it so people around me stop focusing on me... so they can feel at ease again, even though I'm focused on challenges ahead, and worry that I'll get through it.  I don't know what it means... it's almost a challenge as it leaves me.  Like.... I'll not let anyone help me through this, and I WILL get through this.  It's an odd sort of thing when it comes up.   I don't want to feel that way, or think that any longer.  I want to be able to give and receive help without it bringing up old stuff..... stuck stuff. 

I want to not feel pressed or strung out alone or like I have to protect everyone around me from everything
all
the
time.

Anymore. 

Maybe a good cry will set me right as rain.

::nodding::.

::sigh::.

I have to find a way to discharge the stress around recent violence... not against me, but in my presence.  Human on human violence is one thing everyone, except ASPDs, are allergic to.  I can tell you that it does terrible things to my physical and emotional health... things that surprise and astonish me always.  I was raised in a home without violence.  Experiencing it for the first time.... really experiencing it against me... was a shock that shut down my breathing and ability to eat... I lost 20 lbs in a month in 2007.   The recent stuff is tied into that I think.   I've put it aside in order to get through this month, but I have to just process it so it's not underneath all the other stress... heightening it.


Lighter

[Hopalong]

((((Lighter))) hon.

What would it be like to experiment with trust, relaxing into trust of others?
Like, what if your thought that the community must be wrong...is itself deceiving you from your best interests?

I ask only because there could be wisdom, and much stress reduction, in considering that they have a collective understanding about something that sounds reasonably true:

many people, native and non natives, are telling me the beach won't stand another hurricane season.... I don't think that's quite right.

Even if they're wrong by a season, or two or four...if there's collective insight about this including from those who live through these storms....isn't it possible you'll have less personal stress in the long-term if you and the kids RENT a place when the Bahamas are calling?

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Honestly.... we're going to our place in the Bahamas until it's sold.  After that, we're not going back to the Bahamas, IMO.

Since youngest dd loves the place..... it's a foregone conclusion we'll enjoy as long as feasible... as long as it's standing, and is ours. 

We can do Christmas there, for all I care.  By that time there'll be 3 private bedrooms, and 2 sofas that sleep very nicely. My sibling did New Years in January... it was marvelous, I'm told. 

The idea of a cool breezy Christmas.... no bugs or pig stinking Bahamian heat... appeals much. 

Once we're out of this pink cottage....... we're out of the Bahamas.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Ahhh, okay. Now I (finally) get it.

So thick, moi!

 

Glad you've gotta plan.
It's gotta include some peace.

Hope you can rent it out while it's on the market,
since you can't be there all the time.

And your moss needs you.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I've been spending some time supporting some recent (and not so recent) widows. The one who created the forum, is running herself ragged. The classic "busy bee" avoidance of emotions trick. I've firmly told her to take a day off, before she collapses. But on & on she goes.

What is happening now, is she's experiencing the "piling on" effect. Little and big things are going wrong; the normal snafu things get magnified way out of proportion to their importance.

IMO, this is a symptom caused by not simply taking the time to feel the feelings that are coming up. Yes, when it's a whirlwind of feelings it dredges up all kinds of ancient feelings and mixes them all together. But maybe that's just what happens to me, too.

A hot stone massage might help you quite a bit, Lighter.

[Twoapenny]

So, I was at the airport, enjoying the best mixed baby green salad of my life, topped with at least 5 dollars worth of perfectly plump walnuts topped with blue cheese, and cranberries, and cucumbers and fresh tomato topped with 2 of the best Shula burgers of my life, topped with carmelized onions and mushrooms..... mixing flavors and textures and condiments, and oh my.... I forgot the side of potatoes....remember I said I'd likely have zero willpower.... fried.... perfectly crisp, topped sometimes with blue cheese and ketchup, sometimes with mayo, sometimes with just ketchup.... playing with flavor and texture combinations, as I said.... ready to weep over the abundance of yummy produce and products available in the States..... when everyone's phones went off bc of a tornado warning.  Very alarming, bc dd and sis were preparing to board a small seaplane, and we were going to board a regular flight in a few hours.

This was the beginning of a very confusing 8 hours.

So, I ate myself into what should have been a coma, and still had enough for 2 more meals, when dd's flight was diverted to Miami, and 2 tornadoes popped up almost on top of Fort Lauderdale airport..... we were instructed to get away from the wall to wall windows and run to the inside of the building.  I, at one point, was the only person heading INTO the dust storm running down hallways and into my eyes and face as I headed to safety.  I was joined by a lovely young woman from Alaska, heading to the ladies room.  I joined her while we both marveled at EVERYONE else heading TO the windows.  I was reminded of instructing children.... tell them what you want them to do, not what you don't want.  DON'T RUN INTO THE Street, and they go right into the street.  Every time.  That what these travelers were doing..... really.

So, a nice lady from the United counter joined us eventually, and showed us a very frightening picture of one very large, in my opinion, tornado followed by a smaller one..... right at the airport.  I think it did damage to Fed Ex trucks, etc..... at one point it felt like we were in the Wizard of Oz... wind wipping things around in the air outside the glass..... all that HUGE wind INSIDE the building where it was supposed to be safe.  On reflection, I think I should have helped people with young children and elderly TO safety WITH me.  Now I know what I do in that situation.  I go to safety, and I follow directions.  I bond with like minded people, and hunker down responsibly.  I do not run around and play hero. 

::nodding::.

Not sure how to feel about it... just information I guess. 

Let me get one thing straight... I think Allegient Air has a training issue.  I couldn't get a straight answer about flights and delays until we were in the air 5 hours late..... I didn't get home till 2am..... so many laughable contradictions from the Allegient staff....
"First off, your destination airport can't shut down tonight until all flights are in, but if they do, we'll notify you."  That kind of stuff, and people were just laughing at that point.  It was like a stupid dream.

SO many babies... little girl babies learning to walk in pink tu tus.... chubby little girl baby reminding me of my neice... smiling and laughing and waving.... so cute I wanted to eat her with a spoon.  So many little children, and that's all I want to say about that.  This was one of the nice things about the wait and day, in general.  All the little babies.  One of the not so nice things.... seeing people in wheelchairs.... pushed by unsmiling hampered people... sometimes other elderly people, spouses I assume....

I

do

not

want

to

end up

pushing

or

occupying

said

 wheelchair.

::Shaking head::.

No.  I do not. 

I'm grateful to be home.  Grateful to wake my sleepy oversleeping children for school.  Grateful to clean out the rice maker my oldest let ferment and turn to soup.... grateful to re wash my white comforter that soured in the wash machine, grateful to walk the pug, and check out the lovely moss carpet. I can't believe how it's come together.... except there's so many hours involved... it had to.

There was no choice.

I'm grateful to be home home home home home home home. 

::hugging mug of coffee happily to chest::.

Next on  list... figuring out sea walls.  Mine is crumbling into the Atlantic.  I've seen 3 kinds of sea walls... the one I believe I need is the cement kind with knees and fiberglass re bar.... picture a fortress, and you've about got it right I should think. 

I have no idea how much that is, but will find out. 

Theres a boxed vinyl sea wall, and a corregated one.  I have a heavy equipment operator... the one who moved my container, willing to use left over corregated I believe, to do a quick sea wall.... not sure how much, and I see it as likely to erode my beach as it's installed, nad do nothing to retain it during a hurricane as it's unlikely to be driven into anything but sand at that point, and from what I've seen of the material, which honestly, is left overs from a different kind of wall.  I guess they can be cut to any length.  Will have to see.  The Italian neighbor, readying to put in a very long sea wall one lot from me, never showed, and I assume he knew about the weather blowing in and wisely chose not to fly.... we've been supposed to meet for months now.  Another missed meeting.   

The journey continues, Amazons: )

Lighter

Well my biggest source of amazement is that you can get food that good at an airport!  I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to order something as delicious as that at an airport in the UK   But the rest of it - oh my days.  How scary and yes, people running toward the danger, no I wouldn't be playing hero either - you've got your own babies to get home safely to.  People do it here when there are big storms, they go to the beach and then get swept out to sea by giant waves, or they sit on the edge of crumbling cliffs and fall 150 feet - madness.  People let little children play on lilos and rubber dinghies IN THE SEA, I can't tell you how many times I've seen it - one puff of wind or slipping into a current and those babies are gone.  Never ceases to amaze me.  I am glad you had the good sense to head for the toilet, Lighter, and stay there.  Cannot advise on the sea wall, unfortunately xx

[Twoapenny]

Nooo, Amber... got so much more from it.  In that moment, I had a very clear image of the completed house getting swept off the beach.... it took my breath away.

I'm feeling much better now..... heh.

I always feel like Sarah Connor's character when I say or write that.  And I've written it a lot.

And.... the plan is to wait and see how I feel about the cottage before deciding what to build for a seawall.  If I'm selling I'll build a less impressive, but good looking wall.  If I want to keep it and hand it down to the kiddos.... a better wall will be built.  Right now there's no emergency, though many people, native and non natives, are telling me the beach won't stand another hurricane season.... I don't think that's quite right. 

I honestly think my immune system is frozen... deiciding what to do with me right now.  I'm the kind of person who gets through crisis, then collapses for a bit. 

I can help my grandfather cough up blood and lung and whatever else it was... then slide down walls when I leave the room, wondering how I did it.  I see my own blood or get a shot and faint. 

My breathing is all messed up.  Not sure why.... maybe muscles around lungs lock up.... something about breathing under stress goes all whacka doo.  Very familiar.  I think that alone escalates anxiety.

And....

I'm feeling a better now; )

That is a scary thing, right there.... when "I'm feeling better now" comes up for me.  I say it so people around me stop focusing on me... so they can feel at ease again, even though I'm focused on challenges ahead, and worry that I'll get through it.  I don't know what it means... it's almost a challenge as it leaves me.  Like.... I'll not let anyone help me through this, and I WILL get through this.  It's an odd sort of thing when it comes up.   I don't want to feel that way, or think that any longer.  I want to be able to give and receive help without it bringing up old stuff..... stuck stuff. 

I want to not feel pressed or strung out alone or like I have to protect everyone around me from everything
all
the
time.

Anymore. 

Maybe a good cry will set me right as rain.

::nodding::.

::sigh::.

I have to find a way to discharge the stress around recent violence... not against me, but in my presence.  Human on human violence is one thing everyone, except ASPDs, are allergic to.  I can tell you that it does terrible things to my physical and emotional health... things that surprise and astonish me always.  I was raised in a home without violence.  Experiencing it for the first time.... really experiencing it against me... was a shock that shut down my breathing and ability to eat... I lost 20 lbs in a month in 2007.   The recent stuff is tied into that I think.   I've put it aside in order to get through this month, but I have to just process it so it's not underneath all the other stress... heightening it.


Lighter

Lighter, I'm reading all of this and I'm thinking - you just lost your dad.  Grief, I think, affects us in different ways, and often in subtle ways - not crying or shaking or having to say goodbye, but unsettling and throwing us off course, wobbling our foundations, making all our coping mechanisms look like a two foot wall in the face of a tsunami.  The beach house project sounds horribly stressful and difficult to cope with under any circumstances, but in addition to corrupt officials, delayed flights, tornadoes and your dad going suddenly when you were so far away, that's an unimaginable amount of pressure to be under.  Please don't think you have to get through this politely and gracefully.  I get the being able to keep going thing; I think there are certain types of people who go into autopilot/survival mode in difficult situations and just get on with it.  The adrenalin fades and that's why we collapse afterwards, in my opinion.  And I get not wanting to let others in to help cope; there's a vulnerability that goes alongside that and I often get a feeling that if I let my guard down just a little I'll collapse completely - the stress and tension is what keeps me going, sometimes (the same way some people seem to feed off of anger, I guess).  But your girls will be there for you; they're good kids and you've taught them well.  I'm wrapping a blanket around you and telling you it's alright to cry or shout or lie in the moss; no need to glide through this.  This is a wrestling through the mud, fighting alligators period, it's alright if it gets tough and messy.  We're all here, Lighter, you're not alone xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

Grief folds over me like a wet dishtowel.  All through the day.  Especially in the early morning hours, when I'[m alone.  No one counting on me to wake them, remind them, drive them, drop them..... and it's very very sad.  SO sad, Tupp.

As I move through options for a local service.... for my Father.... I realize my kiddos have it right.  It NEEEDS to be at Dad's farm, where the kids knew him, got to know him, only ever knew him THERE.  He'd want us to be together there, embracing, sharing stories, and just plain gathered together... on his farm.  It's what he intended when he bought it.  It's what's right for his service.  My children know this.  It seems obvious to them. 

I've missed many CALL THE MIDWIFE shows.  Running them in the background is so comforting.... but also sad.  I wish I had that kind of female support in my life.  That kind of maternal care..... it's so painfully absent.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

The farm sounds right to me too Lighter. People gathering together, sharing food brought from home. Sharing stories... being together.

Now walk right over here into the never-ending hug.

[Twoapenny]

I'm sorry, Lighter.  It's so tough.  Sadness is tough to cope with, I think - other things like anger and rage can give you a kind of energy that you can work through by attacking the garden or running yourself ragged but sadness is just there and it's so consuming.  I think the farm service sounds lovely.  Your kiddos do have the right idea.  Maternal support is so helpful and yes, not having it is very hard.  Bizarrely, I've never actually seen an episode of Call the Midwife, lol, I seem to miss things until years after they start and then there's too much of them to catch up on I get what you mean about comfort from having it on in the background, though, there is something soothing about someone else's life playing out on the TV.

((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))  Sending love and big maternal hugs xx

[lighter]

((((Amber and Tupp))))  I'm so grateful for the hugs. 

This morning I was trying to put my very compromised Otterbox case on my new phone.  I'd broken out the hard plastic bits during a four year period with my now very broken phone. 

It was childlike.... I was sad watching myself do it.  Wrong size.  Wrong holes for toggles and phone..... but there I was, trying. 

I feel that sort of sums up the loast 18 years of my life.  I was that sort of child.  Hopeful.  Trying to make things work that had no possible chance of working out. 

Last year my youngest DD was watching Kill Bill with me.... and the scene where Uma Thurman is in the PussyWagon comes up..... Uma commands.... "Wiggle your big toe..." and DD says...

"She reminds me of you, Mom." 

I thought, What a strange thing for her to say. 

This morning.... I GOT it.  And.... I've been aware, for quite some time, I sometimes must do things the hard way.  I think it's part of the INFP external world MUST reflect my internal world programming.  Just the way I was made, or came to be formed, byut sometimes I CAN SEE what will happen if I choose to honor myself... and it's catastrophic.  Sometimes I see where hhonoroing myself or not.... catastrophe was going to happen.  I think that sometimes undermines the honoring stuff.... that it's backfired fantastically enough times..... I hesitate.... I flinch..... I fail.

I'm feeling very in touch with my child self today.... reflecting on my father, and our relationship.... what he was like when I was young... what I was like.  It was similiar when my mom died, except it was more about her as a teen, and really connecting with who she was then.  How she felt about herself, and us... her children.  I have a letter on my bed... she wrote it to her children in 1980.  I get something different from it every time I read it.  I'll read it again soon when I can focus.  Right now there's so much to be done. 

This is grieving.  This is allowing myself to feel very sad, so I can move through it, and get past it.  It's very sad, guys.  This is also exploration of my decision making process.  All the fear, and paralysis around it.... the pulling it apart, figuring out what's fear, and what's safety.  I have got to find more comfort with making decisions.  There's too much anxiety around it.  Just too much.  That must change.

Lighter