Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

[Hopalong]

I had to matter enough to ME....

That's where I have been stuck for years. I've told my T, over and over and over, that my best explanation for my own dysfunctions (in terms of Getting Things Done) is that "I have lost interest in my own life." I know that what did it was the long long long ordeal of Nmother, Nboss, Nbrother (well, NSociobro) and, more sadly than I can say, I think Ndaughter. I mentioned her to my PCP a week ago--he had seen her several times. He said, "When I met her I thought that she was an extremely troubled young woman with a personality disorder." First time any professional has ever said that to me. (Well, no, Doc G PM'd the same thought to me once. I couldn't bear to hear it.)

It's a little less stark these days. I slowly feel as though some life is coming back into these tired limbs. But some days it's a terrible battle to get up and Do It. Eat right. Exercise. Hell, do the dishes. Some days (because I have three days off per week) I lose it entirely. Only the job, old folks depending on me, forces me Up and Out.

It is so so so stupid. I had lost so much of my ability and willingness to TRY.

There's been a nice recent development, though. A male one.

But I gotta go to work now and will start a new thread about that later.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Ya know Hops... it must take a huge amount of despair and hopelessness (ie, soul/ego pain) to develop that internal "I don't matter". It really is at the bottom of the things I've struggled with.

Furthermore, I think in my case - I became convinced of that pretty early on... in the form: I don't matter, unless I can find the ways that someone ELSE thinks I matter. My mom was totally absorbed in her victimhood... Dad gone. I fortunately sought out other adults to start at least trying to intellectually understand how this (not entirely accurate) conviction was at the root of self-neglect, self-destructive tendencies.... and poor relationship choices.

Making "I matter" conditional on someone else, is one mistake I made. Choosing older guys instead of someone closer to my own age for relationships. Intentionally over-looking the obvious warning signs in their personalities of quirks I simply couldn't live with long term - like emotional unavailability, arrogance to the point of Nism, but not quite... and people with their own life-impacting issues - despite their STRENGTHS and that they were essentially good people and good men.

And I'm STILL looking for the same thing: approval of my self and choices from older, "wise men". Not because I haven't already made my decision and I need a boost to confidence to go ahead - but confirmation. And I also need the "atta girls" and "good job" when I succeed. 50 years of trying to change this... and it's still there. Change just isn't going to happen for me, at the soul-essence level.

It's part of "me"; who/what I am. Instead of not liking it and wishing it would stop or that I could "fix it"... I think it's probably past time I told myself, on a daily basis: OK. It's OK that you are this way. But KNOW THIS about yourself and keep it in check; keep it on a short leash so you don't make any MORE mistakes out of trying to fill that hole and trying to find someone you can depend on to fill this need.

After all, there's no way I could ever know if someone who grew up with two normal parents isn't looking to fill some bottomless pits of need too. Or that they actually matter to themselves enough to breeze through what I struggle with - but am getting better at doing: taking care of me.

Day 4 of painting my front door today. It's been rainy and turned cooler. I'm in-between contractors right now (stuff planned for next week)... and while I "should" put poly on the interior of the windows upstairs... it's just not happening, because to me, it matters MORE than I finish the front door, that I use all the time... and get my paint stuff cleared out of there and think about where my "design" for this main living space is going to go.

Been ruminating on lots of things lately... but in a productive fashion.

[sKePTiKal]

Painting the front door has provided me hours of non-verbal "thinking time". The color choice is how I'm tying the rustic of the logs (and the new lighter pine where the windows/doors came out) with the crisp modern/industrial touches. I did make one design change - originally thought I'd paint the window trim on the door & sidelights the same as the very wide trim around the door... and that just pushed me past the amount of patience I have for this project - 4 days of painting, is pretty near enough. And it would be too much contrast; too much linearity - too "graphic"... so the window trim will get one more coat of the door body color today.

I've decided that it's probably not such a bad thing for me to seek validation from the "wise men" that I seem to attract and am attracted to. As long as I don't sell myself out in the process - just for the attention. Yes, I do seem to be yearning for some attention... that intimacy of a close relationship. And given the fact that I've spent my life in a relationship of one sort or another... that's to be expected; pure normal. Speaking of which, Freddy has just now decided I need to give HIM attention, LOL. He seems to know when I'm confronting the inevitable sense of aloneness... versus loneliness feelings.

Sometimes, it's scary just how alone I am. Yeah, Ronnie always says he can be here in 10 minutes and I'm to call him ANY TIME, if I need him. He's away a lot too. But it's so quiet here I can hear very very well things in the woods, and people around - long before I can see them. I've got a good driveway alarm to set up, too. I don't hear the outside stuff nearly as well, inside now - because the new windows and doors are that much of an improvement. I'm not afraid nearly as much now.

We have a real casual relationship. He has a couple jobs; family - and his hunting buddies and while he promises to come help, he really doesn't have the time to be my "go-to"... so I find other ways/people to help. On the other hand - he likes to have the company when he goes to spread corn or just look at the ground he hunts on and I like have a "tour guide" of that area that is essentially my "back 40"... even though I don't own it. Except for his crew - there is never anyone back there. I don't think his wife is the outdoors type. So it's friendly... boundaries in place... and it's working out well.

His brother is also interesting. A good guy to know - and also offered to a "call contact" if Ronnie is out of town. I lust after his front loader/backhoe.... LOL. But he has the skill to use it and I don't.

My friend Debbie is desperately in need of a blow-out, kick back & relax, let it all hangout therapy weekend. Her birthday is next weekend, and that's the plan - I've been her "escape friend" for awhile now... and she's "been there" for me in some rough times, so we're "on". We shared the same N-boss way back when so we do know each other pretty well. That's one kind of intimacy.

The Hol and I can finish each other's sentences; fight and argue scaring anyone within the vicinity and just stop and go on doing what we were doing with no hard feelings. I've had the pleasure of her company - and Matt's too, with & without Holly - a LOT for the last 2 years. They're still hanging in there as a couple; still struggling financially - but still in better shape than a lot of their friends and acquaintances - and IMO, have their own life to attend to. So, I'm supporting that. Holly is just about done with big city life; we've talked about that a few times... and mom has some ideas if the beach house ever sells.

So, what's happening - I think - is that "space is being made" now in my life for something else; new; human; and expeditionary. This kind of thing can't be "planned" out; doesn't need a direction or goal; it's like taking a drive... and choosing to find out where a road might go. Time to explore, in other words. Without timelines, lists, plans or any pressure.

[sKePTiKal]

Very frustrating week. My out buildings still aren't' here. I can't seem to contact the person I've been working with since the order was submitted. I've left messages, voice mails and have been promised a call back - which hasn't come for 2 weeks. They need me to be here, when they arrive to put up the buildings to write the check. I can't really PLAN to do any of the other stuff I want to get to, as a result. I was so ready for Debbie's and my "old lady blowout weekend".

In preparation for winter, I've ordered doors and windshield wipers for my UTV. I have to load it up on a trailer and drive it south to the dealer for the install and an oil change... since I still don't have room in the garage (where the jack is for it) to be able to see where through the skid plate the oil drain plug is. I don't have room because 1/2 of what's taking up space is slated to go in those past-due buildings.

What Holly, Matt & I have done in the studio means I can finally see the floor in there. Another good couple of days in there, and I'll be ready to "play".

I decided to move some phase 2 projects up on the timeline, that aren't weather dependent and I might as well spend the money now and have that in place. So, the plumbers have been back to replace my water filtration system - that's all done. In the process, it dawned on me that I have a gas line to the garage for the furnace and I could replace the electric water heater with a tankless. The studio doesn't need constantly available hot water... so they'll come back after I get a quote for that. Gas company is going to be here tomorrow to look the situation over and decide what all I'm going to need.

And my "simple" kitchen remodel will happen around my birthday. I wasn't in any hurry for it. I did ask for a timeline of what needed to happen when...... and never got it, until the designer called and said they'd be templating the counter TOMORROW. At which point, I knew I needed to get my new range ordered... which I did over the phone. The installer - an independent contractor for the appliance people - immediately threw a wrench into the process, with whining about being required to come out 3 times. He thinks I'm too far from the "big town over the mountains". And the appliance people (who have worked with this kitchen place for years) had never heard the requirement for 3 hookups/disconnects in the process before... sigh... and the designer is fielding my frustration about communication/process steps and timeline... so I asked her to work it out directly with the appliance people and get me out of the middle. I think she might be new. The counter guy... may have helped some while he was here and we were sorting it all out again.

There's no reason the old range has to be disconnected on the day they demo the counter tops - that range is getting hauled away on the next day, when the new range arrives. It's going to take at least 3 guys to navigate both ranges on the steps in/out of the house. So the installer only needs to be there one day. (To my way of thinking.) The idea about moving the range 3 times must only apply when the range is getting put back and isn't being replaced.

But I can't seem to get Amanda to understand that. I'll try another email to her Monday. This doesn't have to be that hard. LOL.

That would leave only one more large project on my "list" of must-haves, and ought to haves. That would be a whole house generator with it's own propane tank - to keep my furnaces running and the well pump running. Not having lights isn't that big a deal for me. Maybe the outlet the coffee pot is on... LOL. The electrician needs to come back anyway to run power to the new building (there's that requirement to HAVE the building again) and he already knows about the generator project. I've talked to the gas company too.

Replacing the carpet downstairs with a vinyl laminate won't be much of a project. Insulating the garage for my extra "pantry space" won't be a big deal either - but that's time-relative, with cold weather about here.

But my brain is real tired from trying to juggle all this stuff. I need more regular doses of "real connection with real people"... and even though I am friendly with a lot of my contractors... it's not quite the same. So, I'm seeing the "end of the list" in sight and wondering if I have the patience and stamina to get there... since I'm running into "people problems" in this part of the process.

Then next summer, I'll tackle some fencing.

[Twoapenny]

Wow, Skep, I'm only just catching up with this, oh my days you've been busy!  They make TV programmes about projects like this over here!  Lol.  It sounds like an amazing amount of work but it must be soooo satisfying to make headway and see things coming together.  I'm glad to read that you're taking time to watch films and sleep - so easy to keep go, go, going when there's such a long to do list.  It all sounds incredible, I'm so glad things are moving along xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, all this started in March when I picked up my UTV. It's a side by side utility vehicle for working around the place... and I can back down the end of my road, to drop off trash or pick up the mail. It's a mile from my house to the mailbox. And the entrance of the road to the highway is VERY dangerous. Even my UPS man was concerned enough, that I had to suggest his office call the county to see if there's any way it could be made safer. My state just passed a highway bond... so maybe there's money for a project like that. It won't be easy.

The one thing all this stuff has done, is allow me to be around people - mostly guys - without any serious connection. The connecting has still just happened with my usual group of people. Some face to face; much of it online with my virtual "big brothers". And I'm past the point of craving a connection like that... it's a little more serious now.

Some of that is no doubt, because I'm coming up on the 2nd anniversary of Mike's death. But as much time as I've had to look back and ponder, I realized that our relationship was changing years before that. He knew he was sick... and found ways to hide it from me. And since it was a sore subject between us... I couldn't "go there". I had to leave him be with whatever he was choosing. That was one reason I came up with the idea that we could look for a place closer to "home" - where we moved from to the beach. It was something we could do together that I knew he enjoyed and it helped connect us somewhat again.

It's that issue of intimacy with "another", at the heart of it. Being able to chat about or empty all the stuff in my head to someone who cares... and can "fill in the gaps" in my thinking. Physical touch, is secondary to that... but no less important.

Even when I'm not up doing...... it seems I'm pretty busy and fully engaged with this thing called life. Still trying to figure it all out.

[lighter]

Wowsers, Amber:

You've been very very busy.  I'm tired just reading your thread.

I'm curious how you decided on the vinyl flooring for downstairs.  Is it very damp down there?  Lots of tracking in water? 

I wish I could see pictures of your progress.  The front door, and windows.

Reading about making space in your life, and looking forward to what comes next is nice: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

The vinyl laminate is very durable and easy to care for; simulates hardwoods. That's my main entrance in and out... tracking in mud and snow. So easy to care for is important. Most of the space is utilitarian and mudroom. My office is down there - but a thick rug and nice curtains will soften it a lot.

Let's see if these pictures will upload:

[Hopalong]

OH, the wood is so beautiful.
Rich, warm, varied.

Thanks for this look, Amber! What a treat.
It looks as though you have gorgeous light too, and plenty of it.

I can't remember anything lovelier than when I lived in the mountains
(Appalachian Kentucky, miles into hollers) in a tiny house on the hillside.
Mountain light is different to me in a way because it's so appreciated.

With mountains all around you, when/as the light is shining through,
I always felt and appreciated its presence.

Wow.

I wanna sit down and put my feet up and breaaaaathe.

The air too, the air is so much better there!

Enjoooooooooooooooooooy....

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... thanks Hops. I do love being out here; and it IS a lot of work to live here. Even after the projects are all done. But that's what I wanted. Something to "tend to".

Lighter has her moss; I have lichens. Partly because of how much sandstone and shale there is at the surface of the soil, in most places. Researching these last winter, come to find out that lichens don't grow where the air is polluted... or where there is a high amount of acid rain. Given how MUCH I have around here, seems to be an overall positive sign.

The area where my garden will go is full of dense, deep green long grass. It slopes to the pond and has a wet weather creek as one border. I don't "need" a large garden, but I'm going to be planning for one in any case. Orchard will likely go in that area too. Again, not big - because I have to plan for old age, and with planting it now and babying it - it should produce enough that I'll likely have extras to share around.

The hunters have been here the past few days. There is a story in that - but I'm still processing it at the moment and have to accomplish a couple of things before the rain comes. No confusion, just chagrin at my natural tendencies and maybe a little wishful thinking that my temperament was a little different than it is. I'll have to come back later and explain.

[Twoapenny]

Wow, Skep, those are beautiful pics, what a lovely place to be.  It's great that you've made something that looks warm and cosy but can still withstand the rigours of that outdoor lifestyle and function as you need it to.  You must be feeling very proud of what you've achieved, and so quickly as well!

I hope the processing of the hunters' story is going okay! xx

[sKePTiKal]

So I mentioned above that Mike had been withdrawing from me for a couple years, even before things reached the terminal stage. I didn't understand, at the time - and yes, I would occasionally imagine a few possibilities - but I was going through a lot of flashbacks to the rape simultaneously. I wasn't feeling all that comfortable being intimate, either. Thank god for menopause, right?

And now, it's been 4-5 years since I've had a relationship at the level a guy could put his arm around me and I could sink into that feeling of being wanted and safe. I've been noticing that I'm feeling drawn to - almost compelled - to seek out validation/confirmation/acknowledgement of "me" from my wise, older, "useful brothers". (I decided to call that "Daddy Issues" - but after looking around, it would seem that's not quite accurate.)

In the process of packing to move - I found hundreds of items that Mike had purchased and hid from me with an unmistakable message to not deny myself physical contact and pleasure. It was embarrassing, in a way. I'm really not that adventurous sexually. I crave touch, contact, intimacy and true caring more than any physical release... which, IMO, is a lot like flossing. And it's something I can do for myself. But I can NOT give myself those things I crave that only come from a guy in a relationship. (Thank god for black trash bags... many of those "toys" got purged.)

So, the farm came with a "caretaker" - Ronnie. He is the main "hunter" around here. The first few months, he acted like a chaperone too... giving me pointers about various local things; bugging me ride back into the woods & up the ridge with him. Which I have done a couple times - once in his truck, and the other times in my ranger - me driving. He is deeply connected to the land around me... and I think wants to share it with people. His wife does not appear to be interested in outdoors stuff.

Ronnie has helped me out a few times, more than that really - getting stuff done around here. We have an open agreement about letting him & his buddies use my little garden shed and space behind where the barn will go as his "base camp". There have been a couple times, he's made me uncomfortable by being physically too friendly. Hugs and smooches on the cheek kinda thing. I've handled those right at the moment by giving those unmistakable female physical signals, that he's just crossed a line.

I'm not afraid of him, btw. He is a good guy. And a family man... as are his buddies. I can trust him, I think. (Just a little doubt there; planted by my useful brother - the SF doc. I can tell David just about anything and we can talk it through.) So, I AM happy to see him when he's around. He can come & go back into the woods as he pleases - sometimes he stops to see me; a lot of times he doesn't. Ronnie never presses the boundary I set awhile ago... except...

I must be giving off a lonely, needy vibe. Or he suspects that I am - and he does like hanging out here, with me, relaxed... no pressure... too. Thursday, he asked if he could spend the night at the house, since he hadn't cleaned out the little bunkhouse yet. It was supposed to be cold on top of that (it was! I broke out gloves) I thought a second - taken aback; it was pretty bold for him - and said, sure - I have a spare bedroom. (Mind you, at the beach house, I've had plenty of company in the past... Holly's Matt stayed with me a few days, alone. Autumn's TJ spent a week with us, bringing the kids along. And Mike's brother Chris spent a long weekend with me after Mike had passed... and stayed with us many, many other times. There wasn't any problem with all that.)

After dark, when all the other guys left, Ronnie showed up at the door... letting me know they were gone for the evening... and said he was going home to eat & shower/change clothes but he could come back if I was going to be up and wanted company. My "out" - I wanted an out right then - was that once he got home, he should just crash out there, since we'd already figured on Friday night.

It's at that point, that the old subconscious imagination broke out of her cage.

[sKePTiKal]

Friday night, he begged off with some excuses - his best friend couldn't hunt Sat morning since he was a couple counties away hunting with his brother; and Ronnie had a wedding to go to Sat afternoon. It was the comment: "I'll come and stay though, if you NEED me to" that pushed my buttons. But I was relieved that I didn't have to have a frank talk with him; which is what I'd come to after pondering a good bit.

Thursday evening, right as he left... he leaned over & hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Right below the ear. And damn, if I don't know what that energy is (I'd have to be dead)... and that it wasn't just me feeling that. So the starved for physical contact subconscious and physical need for touch fueled a LOT of imaginary possibilities. As I tidied up the house and refreshed the guest room that day... I discovered all those little places in life, where a man used to be. And it was fun and happy to be visiting them. And I got all involved in creating little scenarios in my mind -- all driven by the empty spaces that used to have someone special there.

I maybe shouldn't be watching Outlander. Last week's episode reunited Claire & Jamie after 20 years, and I thought it was absolutely "spot-on" that the scene where they go to bed the first time in so many years... Jamie head-butts Claire's nose. Laughing and crying at the time, here - that was terribly true to life. And it's just that intensity of intimacy... that is just GONE for me. So perhaps I really am a lonely, needy old widow after all.

But the rational mind decided to slap some sense into the subconscious fantasies. Crossing that line, with this guy would NOT have a good outcome for either one of us. I do not want to "go there" with someone so much younger - with a wife and family. Even if he IS interested and maybe curious. Lots and lots of booby-traps in there. Even given my response to him and I do like him.

On the other hand, it would appear I have a new aspect of my life that I had set aside for some time, that I'm going to need to explore, take some risks, and this is going to require "getting out more" because there aren't that many men who just drop into my remote little corner of the world, without an invitation. So, now I need to figure out a way to do that in a safe and reasonable fashion.

And I'm not entirely sure if I can restrain that needy subconscious under the circumstances.

This is rediculous to be facing at 60+. LOL.

[Hopalong]

You're still a woman at 60+, Amber....age doesn't change that.
NMom had a gentleman caller well into her 90s and that sexual spark didn't go out.
She wasn't sexually active in the literal sense, but male attention was important to her.
I am in my late 60s and this is important in my life too.

I agree with married-David that you should stop playing with married-Ronnie. It could go bad in so many ways.

My reason's simple. I crossed the line once with a married man and will always regret it. I understand why I did it (loneliness, his attention, soulmate matching, plus the chemistry....etc etc). Eventually I forgave myself. But I will always regret it.

Because I harmed another woman and had no right to.  No matter how he described his wife, or how I fantasized I offered what she lacked or withheld, I had absolutely no right to violate HER life. I judged myself for that strongly because I knew exactly how it felt to me when I was married, when my husband's sexual focus strayed. My choice later when I was single but the man was not, damaged my personal integrity and it took me years to rebuild it. When my spouse made clear he was disloyal it HURT. And the fact that other women would willingly participate in creating my pain doubled the hurt. (In time, ironically I also lost respect for this later lover, for his willingness to dishonor his wife.) And know what? I was intimate with him ONE time. Yet it took years to heal from the pain.

I completely understand how lifelong monogamy can't work out in every instance. It's sad but it's true. But I retroactively created a firm new boundary for myself. It was simple. Dating online, if I heard from an interesting man who was separated, I'd respond: "I'm sorry but I don't date men who are married or separated. I'd be happy to hear from you after your divorce is final." Etc. That way, he finishes his own marital experience however he must, but I am not part of the decision or the process. Huge relief.

Your isolation on the mountain is romantic, Amber. That's where the danger of hurting others lies. I hope you will find regular group experiences that bring you out of your fantasies and into community. There will be good men there, who maybe haven't come to you on the mountain like Rapunzel's suitors...but who are divorced, or widowed, and would welcome a chance to get to know you.

It takes time and loneliness is like gasoline on sexual sparks. I so so understand it. And so hope you do eventually find a new relationship that you can enjoy openly in the light on your beautiful mountain. You deserve it. Just not at the expense of another woman, who would be so hurt by your actions. You're no villain and neither is Ronnie, but together you could be cruel. (Personally, part of my healing was to challenge myself about entitlement. Ouch. But there it was. My desire and loneliness translated into, but I WANT him...and there it went. Integrity.)

I think it will take patience and time, and perhaps joining some group of women will help you maintain your perspective on community. You'll always interact with "mountain men" but you also have sisters you haven't met yet. Maybe there are other unique and determined women nearby who'd really value a new friend?

The friendship of interesting women, here and in 3-D, has kept me sane and in my lane for many years. I am grateful to be a crone!

I've been single since 1995. And surprisingly, there may be a new man in my life. More on that when/as it becomes more solid. (I have that don't-jinx-it feeling.)

love to you,
Hops

[Hopalong]

PS--I think one of the reasons I allowed myself to become involved with someone married --even for that one night--was that I really had no clear sense of boundaries. My Nmother invaded my sense of self throughout my childhood, and she had no "rules" about respecting my separateness. I think that having had to painstakingly learn about not just constructing, but also respecting, boundaries was a major task of my adulthood.

I think people raised in more normal settings don't struggle quite as hard to accept that "this is where I end and you begin." I think it's also possible that the same could be true for another's marriage. "This is where my right-boundary ends and yours begins." As frantically lonely as I was at that time, it was not as hard as it should have been to overwhelm my very porous sense of boundaries.

I'm relieved I see them and obey them now (for decades). But I do not judge others who struggle to, because I was there did that. Lonely damaged women, and I sure was, can be hurricanes in other people's lives.

My former boundaryless self? But if it feeeeeeeeeels good....I'm a REBEL.....and I'm DIFFERENT. Oh that's a long song. Siren songs are real. The rocks are real.