Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

[sKePTiKal]

Dang it's cold out there! If the wind would stop, it might help. I picked up some cold bug but started treating it immediately, so it wasn't bad.

Meanwhile, I've been so busy around here I'm kinda stressing myself out. Had a pallet of insulation delivered (for the floor joists over the garage) on Monday, after dark. Driver helped me haul them inside. They're just piled up against a door for now - but even that much helps.

I told beach house realtor I was ready to beat the bushes and deal - just to get that responsibility off my plate. So he approached one of the first lookers from the past year - a slimy car dealer - who is making the process rediculously "fraught" with his BS. But, we've got him where we want him for the moment. So I'm letting the realtor - and everyone who's circling the wagons around me - do their thing. I trust John and he's aware of what he's dealing with.

The FOO crap continues. Lighter - your comment about my compulsion to fix things has been sooooo helpful. It goes back to the whole thing where I parented not just my brother - but had to do the same for my mom too. That all started back when she was hospitalized for a nervous breakdown*, after my gramma (her mom) died. I was in 2nd grade. Of course, that role reversal is heightened now that she's 84 - going on 85. My bro is in denial (somewhat) about her ability to live independently.

So, I only volunteered to find a good transition to assisted living situation for her. And I will pay half, if the beach house really does close, the end of January. I KNOW she's going to complain about everything, to everyone... and I KNOW that both my bro & I will be in the doghouse with her, probably for the rest of her life. And I KNOW, that she's going to be happier having her very own space with a community of brand new people to complain to, and criticize and even do some things with. Even though what she really wants is for my bro & I to buy her her own house. At her age? Really??

Boundaries are my friend in this situation, as are y'all. Meanwhile... she's complaining again that whenever she picks up the phone to call me - I don't answer. I have things I have to DO. My job isn't to be picking up the phone and listening to her broken record of the same complaints over & over again... whenever she wants to do this... for an hour or more. I don't have that kind of time in my schedule some days. No; she doesn't get that at all. She gets mad at me instead.

I hope she likes being mad.   :evil grin:


* almost forgot - I was "told" it was a nervous breakdown; I suspect it was clinical depression or worse. She never was herself, after that - and started having Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde episodes when she got home. Even complete personality changes where she didn't remember a thing from "before" she flipped.

This was why I had to pay bills, sign her name to my notes for school - to go on field trips, because I was out sick, etc. I took care of my brother, helped him with homework - fed him, made our lunches - cleaned house, did laundry... all after Twiggy's trauma. Because there effectively WAS no other parent in the household.

I think I remembered all this in time to keep myself from getting "involved" in the drama again. It was a close call, however.

[lighter]

Amber, you've done your time in the parenting barrel, regarding your mother and brother.  It's ok to step out, and let that go now, IMO.  Yes, it will be uncomfortable.  There will be guilt, perhaps some panic, as you learn to put that piece away.

What an amazing child you were.  So strong, and so very devoted.  It's ok to parent yourself, only, now.  It's your turn, (((Amber)))

Breath. 

Accept. 

Embrace the new jobs.

 Watch old habits go by without taking action.

:: Nodding::.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I am still struggling with the feelings of ALMOST getting sucked into the drama mill again. To the point that despite not feeling up to doing much this week, I haven't been able to go find those websites for assisted living again - resistance is mine, sayeth the inner child! LOL.

I realize boundaries are my best friend here. Even when my mom is trampling down everyone else's boundaries, eliciting anger from me... I know where mine are. And I'm dug in like the French Foreign Legion. I have the functional stuff down OK.

But the emotional toll is still there. It's all due to what I'm calling the "No good deed goes unpunished" rule, to wit:

At 84, and multiple health issues, I am still able to "hope" that my mom has at least learned the ability to make common sense decisions for herself. Yes, she's still able to putter around her bit of yard and constantly sort through her "stuff"... and is making lots of quilts & fleece blankets. She still drives. But she's 84, fer cryin' loud! Had a quadruple bypass, her sugar is always iffy, the bout of serious C. Diff she had, left her with colitis... and she has frequent kidney stones. She thinks she needs to eat completely different diets for all these things - despite what I've told her about just eating healthy, dropping the starches/carbs and eating reasonable portions. My brother says there is simply NO PLACE TO SIT in mother's little house.

So an assisted living apartment isn't going to seem small, but I guarantee you she'll pile her stuff around her again. And I'm not sure they'll allow that. I can see her getting kicked out.

Hope - not fear - is the mind-killer. Hoping for any change is madness. Yet, I can now talk to my brother without encountering the same old passive-aggressive stuff that was my main experience of him. Now, at 60 - he still has to have some normal life-things explained to him, that most of us know through experience. He's not experienced them. In his own way, he's piled his "stuff" around him - his work - just as high as my mom has her stuff. He hasn't really "lived" outside of the higher ed/coaching world. Normal banking & retirement stuff. He didn't even know what amount our dividends are a month when I spoke with him last... they are automatically deposited into a brokerage account and those funds are invested for him. I'm not sure he can read the statements and understand them.

I want so much for "connection"... that easy, relaxed, "we know each other" interaction, that just like Charlie Brown, I keep falling for Lucy's football trick. So I KNOW what's happening with me... it's just sad, frustrating, confusing, depressing and even anger-generating... to go through it YET AGAIN.

Sooooooo... my Christmas shopping is done. Now I get to wrap presents. My buildings are finally here, and the big barn looks almost closed in. They'll be here tomorrow yet, to finish the little shed. I've been getting frequent updates from Holly on her sail to St. Augustine. She'll be offshore for about the next 48 hrs and isn't sure she'll have service - and with just the 2 of them - one person is always on watch. I invited Ronnie & his wife to Holly's birthday party on the 6th. He says she probably won't come. (Or he won't tell her, so he can party too?? LOL... Dunno. I still need to throw myself into devious plans... maybe this requires a phone call to Matt or Autumn... for ideas. It's more fun if there are "secrets" and secret plans involved.)

I WILL have a life that isn't drowned under all that drama-ocean. I said so.

[lighter]

Amber:

Maybe it's easier to shift away from worry if we realize there's zero payoff for our efforts.  Only waste and loss to be had.  Is that something we can make peace with as time keeps ticking away?

I hope not.

Get mad.  You have better things to do with your time than repeat patterns that accomplish nothing, IME.  Putting heavy nonsensical habits down can feel light as a feather if we learn to laugh at the guilt and worry.  Thumb your nose at it as it comes up, and let it go by.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry about the mama-drama, Amber.
One of my elders is JUST like that with the stuff. Obsessive, burning up her last months or year with endless fussing over her stuff, spraying clothes and clutter all over her little apartment. I just pick up stuff and put it on her bed and leave her to it. She's too far gone mentally for me to organize her (because she also is in denial).

But I wouldn't worry about what assisted living will "allow." If the place has progressive levels of care and includes a memory unit, they'll manage fine. They're used to this kind of behavior. I DO worry that you'll hope that she doesn't physically last long. The old woman I mentioned has one failing kidney and a bad heart, and lives on and on and on. Two crises in the ER when I began working for her...

I remember mentally saying goodbye to my mother about 6 times. Ambulances, falls, infections, demented raving with a migraine-cum-stroke. Then home again, to clutch the remnants of her routines with a ferocity I couldn't comprehend. Such is the life force...for those we may like as well as those we don't.

Glad you're protecting yourself and hope you can ... let go of the outcome. It sounds extremely frustrating.

Wow, you invited Ronnie to a family party that's about your daughter. Intimate just because it's about family ... that's a huge step closer inside your inner circle. Is that pull of temptation still worth the risks?

Not judging, feet of clay here, just a bit worried for you.

hug,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Nope, not that intimate Hops... my friend Debbie will be here, and Holly wants to invite some of her friends too. Ronnie and I started from the beginning, with him being close to the "inner circle" because I really needed someone to rely on. And he has gradually given me more space over time to do "my thing" the way I want to do it. His real interest is in having access to the new acreage to spend time hunting, getting away "from it all", and so his offers of help and ideas/suggestions are in return for that privilege. He is a good person to bounce some of my ideas for this place, off of.

I'm owning the confusion about the possibility of any more than that, with Ronnie, because after long reflection (and much discussion and pondering over the latest "sensational" news about "harassment" and how that's defined) I've settled on the idea that there are some types of guys who are just playful, protective, and if they're not encouraged - will just go their own way - it's like a "mannerism", their outward personality. The feelings I feel are mine; I know why they're active when Ronnie is around now and I can set a boundary for myself.

For contrast/comparison, Holly has an old friend, who for all intents & purposes, would seem to not be her type at ALL - Danny. He is a military lawyer; extremely cosmopolitan; travels a great deal and has suave & debonair down to an art. (Think: Sean Connery as Bond.) His voice is perfect for the Sinatra he sings at karaoke. Again, about the same age group. And he flirts with EVERYONE - and I'm one of his favorite targets. It's total flattery and there is nothing serious to it at all - but there is that same "singling out for attention", being sweet and "interested", protective and looking out for "his girls". Different types of guys - but the same outward guy characteristics.

It's my neediness that can get the better of me - that need for connection at a deep level, particularly with a guy.  Not that I would throw independence away for the connection; I'll always be fiercely independent. (Even aggressively so; another primal aspect of me.) EVEN in a relationship; Mike could tell you tales about that, if he were still around. And that confuses some guys who are expecting to dominate me - thinking that's what a relationship is - a "transaction" where women trade away their independence/freedom for security & protection. Some can be taught the reality; some can't.

For me, a relationship is a whole different animal than a "transaction". LOL. I wonder if words exist, sometimes, to define that in a way that others (including my left brain) can understand?
I'd be doing wrong to take either of them seriously and "expect" more from them than was really being offered - despite the flirty, playful, and very masculine strength & protection on display. It sure is attractive though! Gets my attention, since I'm built to connect with that kind of guy. Key/lock kind of thing.

[Hopalong]

I hear you about the attractiveness and the vibe, Amber. You know yourself well and if anyone's thinking hard and paying attention, it's you. Sounds like you are going to keep your attraction to Mr. R. harmless. And you're right, private thoughts are just that. One idea might be to call Mrs. R yourself and invite her directly. That makes it a transparent, positive situation whether she can attend or not. And respecting her existence that way would send a signal, not incite/abet Mr. R's drift into disloyalty. (I'm projecting; in your shoes would be paranoid about deceiving myself as I once did.) Dang. There must be a SINGLE manly man in the area! You deserve one who's as delicious as you like and honestly available. Fingers crossed.

I tend to squirm under protectiveness but that's because in my experience, it can morph into paternalism. When I have a specific situation where protectiveness is wanted I accept it gratefully; as a continuing aura it makes me itch. But one woman's manliness is another's mansplaining and we all have different tolerances for different things. After all, you chose WV -- not AK! (I'm obsessed with Life Below Zero-type shows. The manhood of subsistence hunters is, errr... very clear.)

Thanks much for the insights on my Heist thread, I'll pick up on that over there.

The birthday party sounds like a very happy thing! So glad there'll be people and food and laughter filling your mountain home. Yay. Happies to ya!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It seems I've found my professorial pontificating mode again. LOL. Sorry for that long blob on your thread Hops... maybe you'll get some gleanings out of it that are helpful.

Yes it's early am... and yes the coffee's almost gone. This is THE best time for me to think, sort and nudge my feelings about things to move along... when I'm starting to get stuck. It was always the time when inspiration struck after an all-nighter while painting, too. Now, I prefer to sleep in the dark and work in natural daylight.

Everyone will be glad to know: both buildings have arrived; are UP; and now I can move stuff into them AT MY LEISURE. I won't be complaining about the delay anymore. LOL. Both the beach house and little cabin are set to close on Jan 26th - barring complications there.

It's been a productive year. LOL. I had to make a promise to myself to not think of anymore projects for at least 3 months. I might even throw in a quick beach vacation in the spring, too.

I'll need to piddle around with stuff in the garage/studio building and decide what MIGHT be necessary to make that place more functional for me, make the list and then prioritize. The house isn't quite "done" yet - I want to replace the carpet downstairs with an easy to care for commercial vinyl laminate - simulating barnwood planks, I think. And I need shelves, cabinets & bookcases up and down... the bunkroom "solution" still hasn't popped into my head (I can sleep 4 there now... but the room is awkward). The hanging lamps in the main living space need to be replaced - the living room one has all but two candelabra bulbs burnt out and it's so high in the air that even my contractors were iffy about dumping out the bugs and bat that were in the bottom of the open, pointing up bell globe. I'm going to be seeing a lot of my electrician next year - to replace those lamps, get power to the garden barn, and PROBABLY do some work in the garage.

And there are gardens to get started. But these finishing touches and "phase 2" projects are less essential to function and energy efficiency (except possibly windows/doors in the studio building). They are less time sensitive too... and can get done when they get done. There is all the new land too. And my engineering friend has encouraged me to just spend time on it - looking; survey the features and trees and plants - and doing nothing for the time being. Because it's always harder & more expensive to "undo" things that are "wrong" for the area. And that suits me just fine I think.

I have very clear, bright line boundaries on the FOO situation - and what I'm willing to do to "help". And what I WON'T do anymore, because it's such a trigger for me. That mostly relates to my mother. And it is, what it is - I'm tired of pretending to have a relationship, when it's this costly to me.

As for Mr. Right... LOL. I'm not holding my breath. Yeah, he's probably out there somewhere. I might even run into him someday. And I might be more open to having a "playmate"... someone to have fun with and a trusting relationship... without all the traditional stuff involved that complicates things for people my age. I'm still thinking about that.... seeing how it "sits". Wondering if I have the courage to take on another marriage at this age - KNOWING what comes with age and how it complicates life legally - and yet, is pretty much what I'm built to do. I've been in that kind of relationship, pretty all the time since 1975. This is different; it's not BAD at ALL. And I get to see the difference between true "lonely" and "seeking acknowledgement/validation/connection" loud & clear.

The sky is red this morning. So, rain coming. But it's going to be a lot warmer today; almost 50 and in that range for the next week. That's going to help a lot. I have so many "little things" to do that got shuffled to the back of the line, bottom of the list while working on the big stuff this year.

And shopping to do for me/the house.

[sKePTiKal]

Me again.

I'm kinda giving my big brothers a break from listening to my "out loud" mental processing. I'm nowhere near "planning" or "prioritizing" or even ideas for "phase 2" around the farm. I want to DUST; vacumn up the stink bugs & ladybugs... maybe re-arrange some furniture... clear out some more floor space - find a place for the things I'm keep "to live". Sometimes that's going to involve shifting things from one building to another. Recycling yet more cardboard from boxes I empty out and decide what to do with the crap inside.

Making a trip to the little cabin to finish cleaning it out.

But I'm mostly feeling like a cabbage; I just want to sit and vegetate. For now. No pressure; no lists; no choices/decisions... just drift... breathe... do a lot of "nothing" for a change.

Going "over the mountain" to drop off more salvation army donations of clothes I don't wear and some more of 3 kitchens worth of stuff. Getting the cherokee inspected - and maybe an appt for better tires for my new environment.

Sleeping good; I'm working my way through the original episodes/seasons of Twilight Zone in the evenings instead of making a flailing desperate effort to connect with "anyone who's out there" in internet land. Reading. Just breathing.

Trying to find some fun, sick & twisted ideas for Holly's 40th birthday party. Which is directly opposed to the "come as you are" and totally relaxed day I have in mind. A strange mix of people who probably have nothing in common with each other - except for Holly - LOL. And this is going to entail cleaning up the studio some more. (Good beneficial side effect.)

[Twoapenny]

You always sound so busy, Skep, do you have some chores that you find more fun that others?  I love re-arranging furniture and clearing out cupboards and sheds; posting loads of items on Freecycle and giving bags of stuff away to the charity shop always makes me feel much better.  I work better when I've got plenty of time.  If I've only got an hour and I have to prioritise I always feel that the job's not done.

The birthday party sounds like fun!  Have you had any ideas you can share with us? xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, mostly I just let the OCD take over and work for HOURS without consciously thinking about it. I forget to eat, even. It seems I "know" - without making a conscious decision or going through any elaborate thought process, just what needs to be done. Most of the time, I poop out physically before the OCD considers the job "done". It's very much like being in a creative "zone". And it's honestly very good for me. But other people around usually disrupts that process. Holly's seen it all her life, so she knows to just stand back & watch. LOL... she does the same thing herself. And when she's doing it with my "stuff"... there's usually a hissy-fit about to burst forth on my part.

Last time, I explained to her that I'm worried I won't be able to find anything because I didn't "put it" where it is now. She adjusted and said: you can SEE it all... I'm not hiding anything on you. Our brains organize a tad differently. It's nice we can each have those moments - exposing our anxieties, quirks and oddities - and even yell at each other... and 5 minutes later just sit down and talk rationally about the issue, once the emotional bubble has burst. I don't think either of us can do that with anyone else.

This whole week, I've been operating at hyperspeed. No idea WHY. There is a lot going on, and I'm forced to multi-task, like it or not - I have to take phone calls, answer emails and sign docs online for realtors. In between cleaning toilets, wrapping presents, making shopping lists for baking and getting cars inspected. And yes, I've screwed up and forgotten things I was going to do - just because it seems I'm on some different wavelength than when I made the plans in my head. Wacky.

Then, an old song comes on the radio and the tears are leaking again - more missing Mike.

And I'm sleeping well, my kitties are just delightful lately, Holly's adventure is coming to a close and she'll be headed home soon. I've decided she's living her life in total denial of her age... or maybe it's disdain, I'm not sure. (But I know I will hear ALL about it...) So I've decided it's a F*** Forty Birthday Party. "Pizza" was one of her first words... one of her friends makes great pizza dough... so Matt & I have conspired to pull together a "make your own pizza" party with all kinds of toppings. Matt's been experimenting with making filled soft pretzels... and that's the perfect food for one of our "free for all" house parties. I guess I'll make rum cupcakes or something rediculous like that.

All the women in Matt's life have unintentionally gotten on the same wavelength for his Christmas presents this year. He is the "grillmaster"... and Thanksgiving's smoked turkey was as moist as anything I've ever tasted. His mom is getting a really good chef's knife, Holly found some sauces/spices I think... I've found him a good "hot ash" can... smoking chips... cedar planks... some dry rubs...now he just needs some exotic meats to cook. LOL.

Matt & I get along pretty well - we get on a creative wavelength and can push each other along. Having them around is almost ALWAYS (not always) fun. They have relationship issues they're trying to work out. And Holly is working out her conflicted brain/feelings to some kind of resolution. I try to guide, not overstep my bounds, and make gentle suggestions here & there to both of them.... and DUCK. I'm much more inhibited about letting the inner Viking run loose than Holly is. She's been journaling on her sea voyage... and that's a good good thing for her.

[Hopalong]

Oh wow. What an amazing post.

1) Your productivity absolutely dazzles me, and I so loved glimpsing how it actually feels not so much like work as like...flow. I am glued to these works-in-progress stories of yours and maybe that's why. I can get a vision of a person who has that very strong current of productive flow going on, amidst whatever's also good or bad, in her life. The flow is truly remarkable and the productivity absolutely awesome to me. I am grateful to read these stories, of your rootedness in place and thing and movement.

2) The song and tears for Mike break my heart for you. But I get sweet grief. (((((((((Amber)))))))))

3) You've still made awesome family. The energies you describe, and the moments, and the sharing (and caring, even seeking out the right chips for Matt) are heartwarming to read about. And insightful.

I hope it's joyful all around.

Merries!

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

YEE HAW.

We are now past the due diligence deadline on the sale of the beach house. So, it's good as sold. It's the only mortgage I've got... so the first champagne flute I grabbed was Mike's from our wedding. Fitting. He would appreciate how this sale has gone - and how realtor & I were ready for this particular buyer - so, here's to Mike and all he taught me.

Time to burn bridges in Rambo style and move ON.

[Hopalong]

Wow, kudos and WHEW!

What amazing timing.

Very Merry Christmas....and what a gift to have that happen now.
I'm feeling all Waltonsy just thinking about it.

Yay! Now you can make one home real home, without cobwebs.

Oh goody.

 

[lighter]

Congrats, Amber.

Here's to a New Year with less stuff, and more time, for the things and people we love.

Lighter