I swear, when I take my ADD med I can write forever, so this is a loooong ramble.
B will be meeting my dearest friends tonight, 12 years older. Like B, they are more conservative than I am (old-school courtesies, widespread civic commitments, fairly traditional gender roles--I think we've voted similarly, though). I am way more llifestyle-liberal (60's history i.e., sexdrugsrock'nroll, anti-authority, feminism). They are better human beings than I will ever hope to be. Their liberality is in loving generously, without fear, and with sacrifice. They are deeply religious, never prosyletized me one bit despite my agnosticism, and simply live out their religion. They adopted two children with disabilities, always had refugees living in their spare bedrooms, volunteer seriously (I'm more talk than action) and adopted me too, when I was a sad divorcing neighbor who needed a semblance of family.
They've continued to care about me throughout divorce, my D's decline into mental illness, my loss of parents, brother and other family, and financial troubles. They stay over on their way to see their own D once or twice a year. After some terrible events in my town last summer I went straight to them for a few days of comfort.
Here's my question for y'all this morning. I know that they know what goodness is because they embody it (though they'd never say so). So I'm eager to see what they think of B when we have dinner together tonight. They also practice continual forgiveness of others because it's a core religious principle.
I don't think it's reasonable to put the responsibility on a few friends' impressions and worry theirs may be "too positive" anyway because of their default practice of loving and accepting everyone. If it'd be revealing, I'd ask them to really assess B's character as honestly as they can based on the first impression of a few hours. What I wonder is if their kindness might cause them to overlook masking behavior on his part, or to reinterpret it in the kindest light? (I've seen in my family the downside or "blinding" effect of patriarchal religion when it skates past abusive or oppressive behavior in males.) Or whether because they care for me, they'll look at him more deeply than they otherwise might, and perceive subtle red flags I miss?
I ask because there are just two things, really, that have given me serious pause about B so far. We have moved past them mostly, and he's made a kind of about-face. The first was the sexist "joke" he shared (that diner-type restaurants hire the "ugliest women", his good buddy said, ha ha ha). The second was the night I declined to ask him in and his kissing/touching suddenly got angry and aggressive.
Something to bear in mind is that when I told him how I felt about the sexist joke (that he was dissing an exhausted blue-collar woman who likely had two jobs and, given the affordable housing shortage in this area, may have to drive an hour to get to work) -- he said with no squirreling, I was being a jerk. The second thing, which killed my attraction temporarily, he said he would not do again (pressure me to go faster than I wished) and the last time we were together, he kept his word.
In both of these instances, when I spoke up about things that had disturbed me, he changed them promptly. I think that is a very good thing!
What I don't know, because of my history of overlooking red flags and judging poorly who'd be an appropriate mate, is whether his changes were just to move us along and get a woman installed in his life asap, or whether they're a sign of a person who really does want to grow, offer me his best self and build happiness.
I could boil this post down into something simple, and y'all have already given me incredible, astute guidance. So if you're sick of offering insights to apply, you're off the hook! Truly.
What it boils down to is reflecting more clearly this morning that my real issue is trust. Of myself as well as him. How do I know that despite external, political and social differences, I can trust this person at his core? The two "bad things" were red flags for me and I do respect my judgement about those two events. I felt very solid in my awareness that those were not okay for me. His responses, however, were entirely non-defensive and really surprised me. But can I trust them?
My second marriage was a Jekyll and Hyde experience that revealed to me that I'd missed a forest of red flags and there was serious damage in my mate, with consequences that were devastating to me (and my D).
So that's my baggage, which is blocking my view and clouding my lens.
I think just writing all this I know the answer: other people can't fix trust for me. I have to begin trusting that I've learned enough from my mistakes and that I have functioning insight and intuition sufficient to help me choose wisely. I need to believe in something. I know I believe in these friends' goodness (and in y'all's, god knows). And often I've gone it alone out of stubborn independence and made really crappy decisions for myself.
But I remember Tupp reminding me I've done some things in my life pretty intelligently. Maybe what's happening now is I'm trying to believe I've acquired enough emotional intelligence since divorcing in '95 that I actually could do a better job of it this time.
There sure is a lot of temptation -- a gentler life, a committed partner, less loneliness and worry, a bit of travel and some fun. My head-down march into old age alone and face its fearfulness, just because I've put my head down and marched into so many other very very hard situations .... is that just habit? Can I really let down my guard and let go a little? Let someone else offer me some protection and strength in this chapter?
Wow. Early morning Rx.
I love you guys. No need for novel-length responses...this is just me, my brain, and remembering the med, which if I applied it to my novel, would mean I'd be on chapter 10 by now!
xo
Hops
PS--So on impulse I just called him up and told him I had a big think this morning and kind of peeled away another layer of fear due to my past poor judgment. I told him I realized I've been asking myself whether maybe with him it'll be safe to risk more vulnerability, and that I'm trying to peel back another layer of armor. And that for some reason he's making me feel like taking that risk. Or something to that effect. He sounded really happy and told me he had a huge smile on his face. I heard joy in his voice. My inner pit bull can return, but it was a scary-nice moment.
