End of the Road Farm

[lighter]

Gack.... now I'm thinking about the gas line buried down the drive at the cottage.... it was cracked by the big machine, and contractor fixed it leaving an exposed pipe sticking up out of the drive... in a tire track..... with a cinderblock sitting atop.

Every time the shuttle carries me to the cottage I worry they'll hit it.  The first time I saw it I thought some jokester put it there for giggles.  Every pipe is buried in a shallow ditch,come to think of it.   INCHES under the sand.  Some run alongside the falling down front porch on the guest cottage..... crap.

So.
Much.
To.
Worry.
About.

Amber, I can't believe the sellers were such D's about sharing info on the property.  Just....

well....

you must have gotten a pretty good deal on the place, huh?  That's the only thin I can think of that makes sense.  They felt a little raw about it, or....
they're just Ds?

Gotta be one or the other, IMO.

::shrugging shoulders::.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Well - another unintentional all-nighter. Just started reading - drifted - never really slept. No, nothing's "on my mind" of any import. But the heat has laid me low and I essentially did nothing at all yesterday. Not even think. Just one of those things.

I know I'll pay for it around 1-2 pm... but that's the way things work sometimes.

Electrician is due in this morning. I haven't done what he hopes I'll have done with the bobcat... because of the heat and making me feel ill. We had 2 hrs of thunder yesterday evening, before it finally spritzed a little rain and cooled off almost 20 degrees. I am soaking up the cool before the sun gets over the ridge and the blinds have to go down... and catching up on the stuff I completely forgot to do yesterday in my zombie-daze.

No word on Holly's timetable yet. I know it'll be the weekend before her friends can help move the stuff she's putting in storage (for now). Then there's the logistics of two cars. She's going to do what works best for her... I don't have to think about it.

Not sure how I've become so heat sensitive. Mighta been the time I forgot to pack the water in the cooler for a hike in the desert. I remembered the sandwiches.    Or the years at the beach spending all day around the pool. I literally get melty; get the chills like with a fever; nauseous; and super-brain-fog... like losing the sensation of where my body is in space. When I can maintain long time-frames at a cooler temp, I can tolerate some work in the heat if I pace myself and stay close to shade. Low 80s is just fine. Anything over that - and I can't push myself. Heat index in the 90s... and I'm done for.

One reason I moved back north. I didn't think we'd have but a day or two of that kind of heat; never expected a WEEK of it all at once. Even IN the a/c... it affects me. I truly have weird things falling apart on me. At a time, I'm motivated to get back in "fighting shape" and get the big "have-tos" done around here.

[lighter]

Sorry the heat's so hard on you, Amber.  It's a tad bit concerning.  Are well hydrated?  Is your blood pressure OK?  Malaria?  Sounds.... like something's going on.

What did the electrician get done.... could he keep moving forward?

I don't know how I missed the post where you said Holly moving with you, but glad to read it's happening.  Do you have more energy when she's there?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I think being affected by this heat is not a failure or sign of weakness.

It's the body's indication that, like lions, we need to spend the extreme heat of the day lolling in shade (or in AC). The kind of heat we've had in recent years is NOT USUAL, so if you haven't been feeling as good as usual in it, you're normal.

Climate change is no fun. Likewise, it's no fun but natural to step down somewhat what one's body always used to do...it's just part of the natural cycle. You're in no danger of a sedentary life!

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LET'S ALL LIMBO NOW...   :LOL:



I'm trying to take the same advice I just gave Tupps. Shifting out of feeling frustrated... helpless... completely in limbo with no forward motion because of reasons totally beyond my control. I'm going to turn it into a "refocus Amber" weekend, I think. Full of self-care... different things than I normally do, read, look at or listen to.

I can't win for losing with the weather. It's alternating between total monsoon and so hot & humid a person can't breathe - much work - outside. I have a simple, but great rehydration drink recipe that came from a friend - who's actually having exactly the same heat-sickness issues. She's a chef so is working in a hot kitchen all day; in Florida. She's acclimated there... but I think we both drank too much water and didn't eat enough. Hard to eat when you're being assaulted by the heat.

We got a storm that dumped about (ANOTHER) 4 inches of rain in a couple hours on the 4th. Poor electricans were stuck in the metal barn, and the lightning, hail & wind were pretty impressive and scary. And now it's going to rain pretty much all day here - and with only 2 days of nice weather to dry things out enough that I can finish grading around the barn -- so the next time we get that much rain, I don't have a lake INSIDE the barn. It is critical that I do as much as I humanly can, as soon as the weather provides an opportunity. This job has been "in progress" for 4 months now... and isn't THAT BIG A JOB.

I DID have plans this weekend... but it's yet another type of limbo. Friend was going to come out for an overnight this weekend. Then it looked as though Holly would be done at work... and be moving in that weekend... and now she tells me that depending on the decision to keep or demo their shop's spray paint booth... she could be in B'more NEXT week yet. It's her boss, dragging things out... and keeping his crew "on call". They're actually only working a little bit the week's hours the union insists they get paid for. This girly has "plans"... which haven't manifested yet either, for which she could use the extra padding in her bank account... so she's working. And if she wants to stay in that business, she won't just walk away to take care of her own. Things are peaceful enough at home and she has free time to go swimming, etc with her friends and start thinking about if she WANTS to stay in Baltimore (or one of the counties around it) that badly.

I think that whole group of people, personalities, relationships is loathe to let "what is" go... and jump off the cliff into change. But maybe that's only my perception, because I'm sitting here spinning in my own little square foot of existence and would just LOVE for something I already have "on the timeline" to move ahead. Tomorrow and Sunday are supposed to be dry and sunny; I'm probably gonna TRY to at least get the one side graded the way I want it... even if it's wet. I'll only push things so far before I prudently stop.

I can focus on the outside stuff at every opportunity for a few weeks; the guy who's replacing the downstairs flooring had to have eye surgery... but I have a date! August 13 is the start of the 2-day process.

So today is a GREAT "spa day" at home... and letting myself journal offline for a bit... refocus, cook, gather energy... and then point myself in a productive direction in those gaps between weather extremes.

[lighter]

If one is stuck inside.....
spa day!

Why not?

You'll get this job kicked in gear, Amber.  The weather can't go nuts forever.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Wow Skep I am always bowled over by how busy you are!  And dealing with such huge projects as well, awe inspiring.  It can be hard to change, I think sometimes the 'what ifs' can wear you down.  Which is why I think life sometimes changes things for us - a metaphorical boot up the backside

I always think of the Alaskan Bush People show when I read your posts   I watch it sometimes, they're all off gridders and constantly working on their land and their buildings and their next project (which is usually making something out of bits they have lying around in the shed, like the A Team).  There was one episode where they were filming in the winter, only a few hours of daylight each day and everyone had cabin fever and was going a bit nuts.  The men tend to go off for a few hours and hunt but the women stay at home and work around the farm.  One of the ladies gave herself a 'glam' day - she came out to do her chores in a nice outfit, with a handbag and wellies with a wedge heel on them.  She'd done her hair and make up and honestly, it was the funniest thing I'd seen in ages, she was trotting round the farm all glammed up feeding animals and hammering nails into things.  Then she had to move some stuff with this digger and she climbed up in to the cab and announced it was time for a cocktail, opened her bag and took out a plastic martini glass and a bottle of booze!  It was hilarious   Just made me think of it when you started talking about your spa day   I hope you got to look after yourself a bit and can move on with whatever needs to be done next xx

[sKePTiKal]

The spa day was EXACTLY what I needed! I've spent the last 3 days on the bobcat... and have dug out the dirt in front of the barn's walk-in door across the whole front... about 10 ft wide (building is 24 ft wide on that side)- and at the corner, it's about 4 ft deep - to be able to have a place for the rain run-off to get channeled AWAY from the barn, instead of INTO it. I need to go along the back of the back yet; it's longer - but there's only about 6-8 ft of soil, taller than the concrete. I'll channel that water into the creek.

I had to have a place for the removed soil to go - a combo of topsoil, shale, rocks and yes, I found a vein of clay - so I started levelling the space in front of the garage doors that will face the (future) garden and to make a level start for a driveway into those doors. It's very rough right now. I had started playing with what they call "finished grade" - ie, smoothing the dirt out, removing the rocks that are in the way and "cleaning" things up to "pretty". I had to stop that, in order to focus on the big job of just digging/moving all that dirt.

It's truly boring. Drive up - set the bucket to take a "bite" - drive into the bank - tilt bucket - back up - drive to the next place I'm going to dump - raise the arms - dump the bucket - bring the arms down and adjust the bucket on the far side of the pile to be able to drive backwards and smooth out the little pile... then go back and do it again & again & again & AGAIN...

Add to that, the operator's position is strapped in so tight I could be launched to the moon without shifting in my seat... and despite the machine doing all that heavy work, it was still EXHAUSTING. But this was the first series of days I had in a row, where the ground was dry enough, it wasn't raining, and it also wasn't a heat index of 100... and it NEEDED to get done, at least this far, so when the electrician comes back he can see how far down he needs to dig to bury the main powerline into the breaker box. He's going to have to dig 4-5 ft, maybe 6, down from the corner of the barn to the meter panel. But the distance isn't too far. I'll be finishing the back side about 4 ft away from the building - the width of the bucket. (This isn't the biggest bobcat; but it's not a suburban yard model either.)

It's really a pretty intuitive machine to operate. I guess I've got 10-12 hours in on it now. It's the joystick model, so when I get tired, I start mixing up the hand controls - left hand steers/drives and right operates arms and angle of attachments. Getting close to being down to half a tank of gas now. So I'll have to find the off-road diesel place soon.

So... the boring aspect and getting in the "zone" with it...

leaves me plenty of time to "look"... and imagine. With that back corner being almost 4 ft high, I'm going to NEED a retaining wall. And because the rest of the hill still slopes to the building, I'm going to need to run a long length of that perforated black plastic drain pipe behind the wall. Home Depot has those interlocking, stackable wall blocks. I DO have lots & lots of natural rocks to work with here but it takes time to collect them and stack them - especially that high. They'd have to be perfect to stack in such a way, that they would be stable and secure. The wide spot in front of the walk in door stays in shade all morning and then again in the afternoon. I can see that getting pavers some day - at least the kind that make a flat surface but allow the water to drain through.

That wasn't in the original idea/plan. BUT... it sure will enhance that barn spot and make it a pleasant place to hang out and work. And it would be possible to cover it... carport style... which would keep the noon sun off and give me a sheltered place to put some of my equipment attachments. And easier to keep the snow off too. I heard Holly groan when I told her about the retaining wall part of the project. LOL. It's only tall for part of the distance from that corner to the real front of the building. Those style of blocks should go up fast.

If I go ahead with that - it would also be a decent place for the outdoor kitchen I wanted too. But that's a decision that can wait for another year or two.

[lighter]

Congrats on getting so much done,  Amber.  Sometimes it's an imperative to just stop DOING, not feel guilty about it, and see what comes up.  You get more out of self care, than feeling badly about things not going to plan, IME.

Yes yes yes, cover it, Amber.  A shady overhang for working, and storing equipment is so helpful.  You'll be so glad you did it. 

That the Bobcats boring now is wonderful.  You'll log more hours, get more comfortable, and being in the ZONE will become a familiar place of comfort, I'm guessing.

You won't need to think about what your hands are doing... you'll be able to puzzle out plans as you work... changing, honing with more creativity.  Well done, Amber!

Lighter
 

[sKePTiKal]

The "zone" and I are very old friends Lighter - LOL. Some days I really think it's my "natural" state of being - as opposed to all the things I've had to learn about interacting with people through the years and all the time I spend in my head, thinking about things from that intellectual side.

I always did like to create BIG pieces of art... and the 'cat lets me do that on a Christo scale. Functional and practical are the primary requirements... and then I can let my OCD take over for the finish work. I've never had a problem doing something that was that repetitive either. Like needlepoint for instance. Totally frees a person from "monkeymind" to actually SEE beyond what is... to what could be. Pulling weeds serves the same purpose - it just makes my back hurt more. LOL.

I'm going over the mountain today. Sounds like Holly could be here as early as over the weekend for a few days and MAY have to go back for the 2nd car and to work a day or two next week. Both kids are realizing this "long goodbye" is dragging on too long... and so far it's all been really good. Neither of them wants to screw that up. It's been since May. When she takes the bulk of her things to storage this week, the reality (of the feelings) is going to set in for both of them. Not sure how they'll choose to handle that - she could flee, just to not have to deal with it or they'll rehash the old wounds for "old time's sake" LOL. She can't predict right now. And she's just a little bitter that she's being heard NOW, after the decision to split after 9 years. But I think even if the break up isn't permanent, they really do need some time apart to do certain things particular to each one of them. It's not like they won't talk to each other or even see each other, at times.

And this is going to be a little weird for me; having someone around all the time. But she's obsessed with the need to have her own place; her own headquarters... and nest. Knowing the skills she's acquired in the last 10 years, she's definitely capable... but the work situation is the one that she needs to resolve first. She doesn't really feel comfortable with all this uncertainty and "winging it". I would't either... but I've had a lot of practice at it.

[lighter]

Well, after weather wait, and hand wringing you're in this job.  I'm glad you're happily engaged, and gaining competence.  Nice. 

About Holly and M.  A good span of time apart can only help, whatever happens, IME.  You're right about that. 

With someone else in your space you might feel a bit pinched, but she'll likely be out before you know it. 

I wish you happy times puzzling out house, barn and and bunk room decisions. 

Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

I hope all this goes as smoothly as it can, Amber.
I have trauma memories of taking in my adult child but your situation is different.
Might be a wonderful chapter in your relationship.

Is H's plan to continue seeking work in the city where she lived with M?
But just store everything and take a break at your home before launching a new job hunt?

I forget what her work is but do remember I thought it sounded very interesting.

Senilely,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

She's one of those people whose name shows up in the credits of tv shows and films, Hops. Special Effects. Right now, there isn't anything filming in her city. She would have to go to Atlanta, NC or New Mexico - and work for another crew/boss than she's worked so far. IF she hears of something in her city, she would prefer to settle in there - has a lot of friends, after all this time.

Working for someone else would be an opportunity to learn more about her craft and build her resume such, that she could seek out work on her own a little more. She has worked on some commercials by herself and some independent short films.

She has a big personality; big in a different way than mine. But over the term of this relationship she's matured a lot and even shut her natural exuberance down. She did defer a lot of things - personal things she wanted to work on to allow her to work on the relationship. Now she wants to catch up on those. And the LAST thing she wants is to get involved with someone else right now. Hanging out with me, gives her a buffer from being in a setting where she might very well meet someone. This choice is intentional on her part. I am hardly her "last resort" and this isn't a "return to mom's nest" -- just a "timeout" from life while she explores & sorts. She will require a lot of space - which she wasn't getting the right kind within the relationship. She and I know how to do that.

I'm going to have to get out the short leash on my mom-reflexes though. She IS 40; has a rich experiential life already; and different thresholds for adventure and caution but is a lot more able to take care of herself and do that well... than I was. No way does she look or give off the impression of being "middle aged"... not with the long thick hair and tattoos and tall lean bod... and her ability to flip a switch from totally deep adult conversation to playing like she's a kid is most charming. She's competent, reliable, takes instruction well, knows to shut down her ego and ask questions if she doesn't understand something and takes care of other people as much as she also wants the same in return. And I can't take any credit for this -- she's chosen that path and done well with it with tools she had at 15-16. There HAVE been detours and crises; but mostly because of her sister impacting us. She even has that pretty well under control these days. Resolved in her mind - if not in reality - what her limited choices are for handling that.

So now it's time for her to learn what new opportunities will be there for her, when I'm gone... and think on her choices for that time. LOL... my guy in charge said I could do like my Dad did with him. He'd only been on the job for 3 days when my Dad said "Adios, I'm going to Florida for the winter". And he had to figure it out on his own. Same thing happened to me, when I got over the shock of what I'd inherited. But I've been winging it for so long - and had Mike to help - that except for dealing with my brother... there weren't many difficult challenges. The little ones scared the crap outta me; but I did plow through and pretended I knew what I was doing. She'll still face some of those - but will have plenty of grounding ahead of time.

[lighter]

Hi Amber:

Your posts help me make parenting choices, and feel OK about them.  I'm heading to the beach cottage for almost a month, taking youngest dd only.  I'm more productive and worrying less about things I would normally get angsty about. 

It's difficult to take our hands off,  and let the kiddos solve their own problems, but necessary.

I'm sure you and Holly will have some great moments during this time of transition.

Lighter 

 

[Hopalong]

Your D sounds like a chip off the old block, Amber...and absolutely wonderful.

Thanks for this incredible word-portrait of her. You must be so proud.

I'm really happy for you two. And hope H finds exactly what fulfillment and
work she would love, and in the right time.

Mountains are good for the weary heart.

love
Hops