End of the Road Farm

[lighter]

Oh dear, Amber. 

I can't imagine how the 10' pole became necessary, with your much appreciated doc friend, but these things happen.  Lord knows they do.  Sorry to read that. 

When it rains, relax and turn towards inside jobs.  Worrying does no good, and sometimes you don't lose so much as have time to figure out better plans, IME.  Sometimes not, but worry over something you can't control is a waste of good time, and certainly doesn't reflect on you.  You're a work monster, and you'll get everything done as you can, bc that's what you do.

Sorry about the trees, but it sounds like you're keeping and protecting zillions more, so there's that.  Do you have many Hemlocks?  And, are they suffering?  Wooly Adelgid is killing them all over the place here.  Don't wait too long if you have specials ones around the house you need to save, and they're struggling. 

Pat yourself on the back, and enjoy that novel. 

Holly will check in eventually, and you can pretend not to be ticked off that she waited.  Maybe mention she missed the agreed upon time when she's calm, well fed, and feeling good.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, none of us are all that sensitive Lighter. Not even Holly - she does hide behind that sometimes to express irritation at some of my mom-reflexes - but her irritation goes away when she has to admit she does the same things, sometimes.    And that I can't always catch myself either.

Even when we're REALLY angry with each other, it almost always ends in laughing at ourselves for being jerks, one way or another.

She called me from the road, and we talked when I called her back. She didn't call last night because it was after 11 pm. Told her a text that said she arrived at planned destination was all I needed and we can always chat in the mornings. Texts have gone back & forth periodically today. Silly "adventure" stuff. Knuckles stuff. I knew the dog was going to be a challenge (in more ways than one).

Dr. Know-It-All, my friend - initially understood how I could forget that long post of things that I did during the timeframe he wanted me to help. He asked very late at night one night... and I was already stressed out about Holly seeing Matt. My brain doesn't fire on all cylinders when I'm stressed. All was fine until he started making snide & nasty comments by way of "diagnosing" Holly's mental/emotional state to me. (Which are totally off-base and also a boundary issue, IMO.)

So, I didn't just return fire. I stopped. I considered the messaging that had gone on late in the night; the stress we were both feeling... I simply corrected the record (I thought), apologized thoroughly and formally for backing out on him and owned the mistake I made. And still those one-liner nastygrams continue, along with a total misperception about Holly and our relationship.

That perception is, no doubt in my mind, being painted with his bitterness about what's happened within his own family - the incapacitated wife he's still married to (and hasn't lived with in 12 years), the plans to care for his disabled adult daughter, the #2 daughter also bailing on him... AND the woman he lives with. His responsibilities at the moment have him between two states, which is not where he lives most of the time. He really IS overwhelmed, I get that. I would be a basketcase.

The family situation itself - was enough for me to pull out my trusty 10 ft pole. The additional nastygrams yesterday had me asking WTH he was talking about. He asked if he might be losing his mind... LOL. I said it was a distinct possibility the way he'd misperceived things I'd said. AFTER I'd validated his plans, decisions and problem-solving even.

He's like a hand grenade that's had the pin pulled. But instead of being overly sensitive - he strikes out with venom. I don't need that and have no intention of continuing to be on the receiving end of this. I keep wondering if it would be even worse, if I had let Holly dangle on her own - without being here to witness her processing and keep her from doing any more damage to her self image - and did arrive on site to help him. (As all the other "developments" were forthcoming from him, after I bowed out.)

I think I narrowly escaped a very unpleasant experience that would probably put a stake in the heart of any possible friendship. I'll give him a wide berth for awhile; let him get his situation under control by himself and stay a bit more detached.

Blech.

[lighter]

About the doc friend....

I'm sorry he's struggling, and lashing out.

I don't know if he'll pull it out. 

That he can admit what he's done seems hopeful to me.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

For me, one instance of lashing out or verbal venom and I directly exit the relationship.
Ain't mine to judge, but if an adult has not yet learned to manage anger in a different way, as in go chop wood, walk, talk to your own T, work it out in your own way AWAY from me...then that's not a person I choose to remain connected to. Took me a long time to figure it out but there it is.

Not me, of course, because I'm much too sophisticated...but someone I vaguely know something about (her nickname suggests a cowboy or perhaps a bunny wabbit) watched Bachelor in Paradise the other night. An engaging though obnoxious fellow who felt stressed suddenly slipped into F*-yous and glares and lashed out at others verbally, putting them down ("you're envious...").

One young woman talking about him later said, when I saw his eyes go dark and heard that, how I felt about him changed. (She's currently being stupid enough to hang in with him but that's just because she gets to continue in the game, I think).

Anyway, it's like that for me. I forgive and even understand, but I will not subject myself to someone with an untrustworthy temper. Just no can (or no will) do. Although as a personality I generally want to fix things, spurts of anger or rage I do not wish to fix. May the universe fix them.

At this stage in my life, I require reliable emotional self-control from anyone I'd be vulnerable with.

And I think it's not judgmental, really, just knowing who I am and setting my own boundaries.

Good luck with this, Amber. I know you have a higher pain threshold but that does not mean you deserve pain.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, one thing I know about me is that as a compassionate witness I can compost a lot of misdirected anger which might seem as if it's dumped on me... but really isn't. (I don't often allow myself to wear that witness hat, however. The people aren't that important to me. This guy has been a wise friend who spoke directly about hard things until I "heard" him. But won't ever - even in my wildest fantasies - be more than a friend.)

I was mostly in this role for Holly. Because, much like me, anger pulls her out of self-pity and fear and anxiety about the future. She does this way faster & better than I do. She is currently leaving that chapter of her life, 6000 miles behind her down the road as she heads off into the sunset with Knuckles and the '77 Pontiac. She'll turn back toward home in about 4-5 days. Two days on the road has her in OK City, from WV. She grabs on tight and jumps off the cliff - laughing.

For me, Doc's "sin" was a) not hearing my description about Hol and b) superimposing his judgements on her without the awareness that his own family-karma was coloring that. It's forgivable, I think. But as he's still not settled, I won't tax him with addressing this just now. I'll simply fade away for a bit. I can't give him more than that, until he gets his head removed from his anal area and is able to THINK again. But it does give me some insight into a kind of man, I am not compatible with. We all have quirks, foibles, bad habits... but the difference for me, is being aware of them, and TRYING to manage yourself so as not be painful to be around. Even one's confidantes... in those times when you need to bare your emotional soul.

Holly and I probably push the line on those moments. But we both know it and are aware of it and are quick to resolve it, happily. We've had a lifetime of practice with this - hers. We are always mindful of boundaries and our personal differences, even when we let ego get in the way and think the other should be more like "me". We both know that's never gonna happen. LOL. Sometimes, we even remember to include a disclaimer that we're changing "role hats" now... before pronouncing something difficult to address. And the relationship has been evolving over the past month. Lots of things to ponder as I've noticed them... perhaps point out or acknowledge to her.

She needs that kind of attention - at arm's length - right now; or did the past month. Her autonomy and self-confidence is what she's currently driving toward. And my anxiety or worries come second to that pursuit. I know she'll be fine, in her own flailing way. LOL.

And now that I have my solitude - and all the chores - back to myself. It's time to pick a spot and start digging in.

[Hopalong]

If you and Holly are happy and not enmeshed, and comfortable with the release of anger then it's working for you. It sounds like it works for you both--she reciprocates and seeks out the intense dialogue with you, so that says she values or benefits from it.

As someone whose intense involvement in my D's life later resulted in complete rejection, I can't view it objectively or therapeutically, so that's a good boundary for me to mind. Every twosome, parent-child, friend-friend, partner-partner, discovers its own unique benchmarks for a healthy relationship. And what's healthy to some ain't healthy to others. (For me, now, even if my D appeared in a cloud of light, I'd approach with extreme caution. Because cruelty.)

I'm glad your way of relating feels positive for you two and also glad that you will have some relief for a while from that focus. So you can return to the ongoing projects that bring you contentment. Contentment is what you deserve. And I still hope new trustworthy male companionship will appear for you!

love
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

This doc friend....

he's interested in you for more than friendship, isn't he?

Or not? 

Seems some men pull that when they have romantic notions they can't talk about or bring about, IME.

He's certainly lost his ability to remain patient with you, even if he wasn't judging Holly, and lashing out.  He's questioning his sanity, so he can tell he's lost his balance.  Distance seems necessary. 

I guess worst case scenario is, you lose a cabinet member you once relied on for frank opinions.  Best case is he goes back to being that, and this crisis behavior falls away. 

I spoke to a guy friend this morning I haven't spoken to in a while.  It was all about his dd, and not much personal about ourselves.  He did that lash out thing, and I tried to talk about it to him last year.  He didn't admit to it, but laughed when I laid it out so he couldn't MISS what he'd done.  Laughing was worse than pretending he didn't do it at all for some reason, and that's one cabinet member gone.  No use pretending he's not, bc the relationship has been all  but over for many months.  It's just taken me a period of adjustment to grasp that truth.

So, there's more room for new people.  Not an empty place where a friend used to be.  Right?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Right Lighter. It's not empty at all. Because of Ronnie's accident - and his hunting buddies - I'm getting to know them - and my "rent-a-men" for specific things, much better. You know, people who can actually lend a physical set of hands when I need them. The guys bring their kids - mostly sons - along too. So they don't think I'm scary. The local people here are generally good, honest (do what they say they will) and reassuring to be around.

I've been questioning the Doc's relationships for quite some time. He's the one who invited me to come visit him (with his bipolar ladyfriend) at his farm. Maybe I'm just paranoid... but that immediately raised warning bells for me, if you can remember back when I mentioned it. He wanted to assist in my "grieving process". Thanks, no. I think I've done ENOUGH of this, to know how to do it. LOL.

Now that his chickens are coming home to roost in the form of having what looks to me, like two families to deal with... I'm glad I wasn't tempted at the first invitation and that Hol pulled me back from getting involved when he sent me his SOS. It's OPP - other people's problems. What I do for Hol is because of what she does for ME... and has done without complaint or difficulty. And that goes back many years now - over the time I divorced #2, married Mike and all the "rescues" of her sister. It's also Amazon training... which we have been doing since her teens. She is not like many people in her age cohort. She fits in and has a big network of people she knows and interacts with - but only a handful of those are her "korass" (it's a Vonnegut term). People she's had a long and deeper connection with over the years. She's going to be seeing some of them on her trip.

I just don't know if there is ever going to be another guy, Hops. It's kinda more what I think I SHOULD do, than what I really WANT to do. At least for now. It seems to offer "ease" & "security" but the reality of getting to know someone's warts and history... isn't always easy. And while Hol has and continues to push me to be more "social" and interact with people face to face... she finally understands my position after dealing with the bottom of her break-up blues. Yes, I could probably care about someone enough to be vulnerable with them again. Do I NEED to? Honestly, the answer is no. But I'm also not making that a firm "rule" for going forward; staying open to the possibility... there just aren't any candidates right now and that's OK. And I'm not LOOKING. I am taking a close friend's advice though and trying to "design one" in my mind and call him forth. LOL. You never know!! It could work. Stranger things have happened to me. (I also have a korass of people I'm deeply connected to. And as evidenced here - will babble incessantly about anything to anyone who stands still long enough to listen to me. LOL.)

[sKePTiKal]

forgot to mention...

Somehow, over this last month of providing room for Hol to grieve her last 9 years it seems as though any lingering sadness I had over Mike has evaporated as well. Maybe because there was a lot of discussion about the balance between self & connection that goes on in a relationship... and what an "ideal" healthy balance should look like.

She pulled into Amarillo last evening, for an early night, hot shower, and downtime. On her way to Santa Fe either today or tomorrow... depending on stuff she can do with the dog. Been 3 days of tough, relentless driving - a sleepover at a friend's for a couple nights and a little exploring. Knuckles chased cows and Holly reacquainted herself with barbed wire again in OK. LOL. She said the cows all lined up and stared at him, puzzled - as if they were trying to decide if he was just a little cow or what he was. LOL. His new nickname is "Little Cow".

[Hopalong]

I'm really glad the grief has run its course, Amber.
That makes room for creativity and peace and maybe...what comes at the right time.

So happy Hols and Knuckles are off doing their cool thang!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Back on the bobcat again yesterday - and today too, most likely. 4 Days and NO RAIN!! YAY. I didn't make the "puddle of mud" disappear completely yesterday, but I did improve the situation a lot. It's slow work because I'm being very careful to not take too much dirt away. I think I'm going to try the back of the barn today.

It's starting to warm back up again which means it's going to get humid agaiin and likely more rain too. I have other jobs that go faster that I need to do while it's dry, to knock them off the list too. But I really, really really want to get this grading done. It's a big job and it's great practice for me on the bobcat.

Hopefully I won't be completely covered in mud today. LOL.

[lighter]

Eh, get as dirty as you need to be, Amazon Amber.

That you're doing your own grading is amazing in ways I can't describe.  Well done!

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Skep, as always, I'm blown away by how much you get done in the relatively short space of time that I don't catch up on posts!  I'm so impressed with all your machinery and giant projects as well   I'm glad to hear Holly seems to be doing okay.  I like the sound of 'Little Cow' I hope the situation with Doc friend settles one way or another xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, I think the Doc friend situation was just what I thought it was. He is finally back home, with disabled D to settle in... is totally exhausted, and still dealing with 3 different situations and properties. Of course, there is work to catch up on back at the home farm, too, now - he's been away for like 3 months. I've suggested he only work 1/2 days until he gets rested up again. He's 68; so no spring chicken. To keep going at the pace he HAD to these last 3 months will catch up with him and completely put him out of commission.

There are some boundaries I'll need to enforce more strongly with him in the future; but it doesn't preclude having a friendship.

Holly's made it to her westernmost destination/stop. I think she'll be there at least for the long weekend. It has been QUIET here! YAY. I haven't turned the tv on once... and even the radio is left off for long stretches. I have TRIED to keep chipping away at the things that need doing. I'm avoiding mowing until next week... and keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't rain today. The mud puddle at the barn has FINALLY dried up and if I was "good", I'd make it couldn't collect rain again today. I'd planned to recycle cardboard today... but that can wait. I can load it in the jeep and try for some more progress on this one thing (the barn grading) which seems to be holding up progress everywhere else.

The quiet is letting me ponder (sans "thinking") that bit about "resistance" we're kinda talking about all over the place. If I just ponder and LOOK at it, sometimes I see things I didn't see/know about before. I think that's a good thing for me to address right now; and it's been long enough "in the wings" that I don't want to wait much longer.

[sKePTiKal]

Phew! I've been keeping busy around here, even if I haven't been able to get the mowing done or the power run all the 20 ft to the barn yet, due to rain.

I am in design mode downstairs. The new floor makes such a difference down there! Today's delivery was at least one blind for the windows down there. I have a new desk and combo file cabs/bookshelves coming so I can finally unpack and set up my ham radio equipment. I still need to order an antenna. I have rugs in the awkward "mudroom" & woodstove space, have finally purged the movies and put back just a fraction of them. I'm moving some artwork around and just generally making those organizational decisions.

New washer & dryer are in and I have more shelves to put up in there for storage of household type stuff that I don't need very often - paste wax, odd cleaners, that kind of thing. The lower portion of the wall panelling was never finished, so I think I'm just going to order some beadboard and chair rail to put up over it. It will make that a much more pleasant space.

Holly took down the annoying, irritating, too much in the way bathroom door. I'm going to install a sliding barn door there. Office makeover may include either a sofa bed (there's a nice Serta which would warm that space up a lot visually) or perhaps a cabinet bed - which has a jointed memory foam mattress that pulls out. I haven't decided, because when Holly gets back I'm going to let her rest a week, then we're head to the business for some legal meetings. Business planning stuff. We shouldn't be there but a day or two. It's time for her to make her acquaintance with those people.

I think I had moats on my mind when I was working on the grading with the bobcat around the barn. The past couple weeks of rain extended my "puddle" to a small lake, that's about a foot deep at the worst spot. But what I did do already has improved the situation with water flowing into the barn across the slab. Hit it again for a few hours yesterday even though it was still wet up there. And again, I think I made an improvement. I was concerned about the rain from Florence left-overs we might get. At least that puddle is draining out the front and down the slope in front of the barn now. It needs MORE work for sure, but until I can get drain pipe in there (and I need a backhoe for that) nothing's happening beyond my grade work. Maybe I can fill in my puddle with shale. Right now - it's like quicksand it's that wet.

Backhoe/front end loader is needed for the driveway route change too. But there's no way Ricky has time to get out here with all this rain. The road crews are still coping with rain/flood damage that is recurring this summer... patching and cleaning out/widening ditches; they haven't even mowed along the roads this year. And you know, the office guys are thinking - what if this precip continues this winter?

I was thinking earlier in the spring, that I'd have time to get a whole house generator too. HA. No way I can get that done before winter now. Not even if this jet stream pattern shifts away from us until January. Just ain't gonna happen... and I'm out of patience to even try right now. There was so much outside work I wanted to get done this year. My piles of topsoil & compost have knee high weeds covering them. My roses are still in a 5 gal bucket of dirt. Not too much worse for wear, but that's one thing Hol and I need to accomplish is a better "holding bed" for them for over the winter... if we can't get the holes dug.

Since mother nature has seen fit to thwart all my enthusiasm for outside projects this summer, I'm probably go a little overboard on the interior stuff for a bit. I need a little "fun" in life right now. I'm glad Holly's having some without pushing her travel schedule too hard - but she planned to be back here in 3 weeks. She's leaving Idaho headed east today and figure it'll be a little over another week before she gets back. Hmmph.