Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness
Twoapenny:
Lighter, I'm sorry you've got this going on again. I know in similar situations with my mum I was a bag of nerves; it feels as though everyone and everything around you could be a problem. People photographing others without their knowledge is weird and unacceptable, whatever the reasons behind it. I don't know whether it's better that he's doing it for your MIL or if he's just a regular pervert??!! Neither are good options, are they? Is it worth notifying the police, just to be on the safe side? I don't know how proactive they are in the US. Here, they did nothing at all when my mum was taking pics of my son outside a shop, I don't know if your police might at least file a report even if they don't investigate. Can/has DD told grandparents she's not interested and not to contact again? Again I don't know the situation over there - here kids are considered capable of decision making at 12 in family cases (although courts can over-ride their decisions) and by 16 onwards they'd definitely be considered capable of deciding what they want to do. I'm just wondering if DD telling them no might have an effect. It looks a bit like they know they're in their final throes and are trying to get a foot back in the door (my mum did the same with son turning 16 last year. Interestingly, after telling all and sundry that I stole money from him for years, when I wrote to her last year returning her cheque and telling her I wouldn't be accepting it because I didn't want to lay myself open to any more allegations, she didn't tell a soul. As far as anyone else is concerned I took the money. Funny how they change things to suit themselves). Anyway - I'm rambling. Sorry to not be more help. It's very difficult when the harassment is (a) difficult to prove and (b) isn't taken as a serious thing in its own way, despite the harm and upset it causes. Whatever is going on, I hope things settle down for you soon xx
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
I went by the food coop and asked if anyone knew the guy taking photos. I just said I'd lost his card, and did they know if he was a regular. No one recognized him. I don't think I'll contact the police, but it's an idea. Could bring the letters, the final CUSTODY/VISITATION ORDER, the TPO, and the letters MIL wrote that pretty much sum up who she is, without having to say it myself, which appeals to me very much.
This morning there have been 2 thumps from my second floor.... I checked the first time, and found an open window, so assumed wind blew something over. The second thump... which sounded like an animal, maybe opossum sized, jumping down from a bit of a height.... the thump of front paws closely followed by back paws, which I don't believe it IS. Just saying... that was the sound. Nothing hard or sharp or wood hitting the floor. Honestly, there's heating duct at that point, and it could have been from there even.
Since the Pug baby girl isn't concerned, I'm thinking there's nothing animal or alive in the house, so still wondering... could be something dropping on roof, many large trees with a bit of a breeze, and rain.....but it sounds closer than the roof.
Could be animal in garage.... sometimes birds, and chipmunks get stuck for a minute. It happens. Could be a hawk?
With that, I'm just not worrying about the man taking photos, or the noise, just noticing how it feels to notice them. My heart rate didn't go up at the first thumps.... the second thumps, however, made my hands shake. ::sigh:: I'm not sure why, exactly, that did it, when the first did not. Hmmm.
I'm pretty steady, and it's a relief to feel I've dropped expectations... just ready for whatever comes, with belief I'll handle it, whatever it is.
I'm considering moving into a smaller space, and renting out this house. I won't need it once oldest dd is at college, AND I'd like to pare down, like you're talking about. I think it might take upheaval like that to purge stuff. I have to do it at my father's as well. Radical change is sounding better and better right now.
Both girts need their wisdom teeth out, minimal, this summer, with maybe another procedure as well... tonsils.
I don't think I'll ask oldest dd18 to write to her Grandparents. I've forgotten the ILs, for now. Neither dd is interested in connecting with them. They seem to understand what they are. I've emotionally pulled documents to SHOW them, should they forget. I'm not putting time into actually putting my hands on all those documents, but have a file with MIL's letter offering up her son's baby hair to prove the girls weren't his. Utter nonsense, but how she's compartmentalized the children in order to do the harm she's done.
Actually, I have many letters in that file, pulled from the Assistant District Attorney's files, which maaaayyyybe I'm not supposed to have? Not sure, but the private detective I hired to get those files said she got a little time to comb through, and pulled the things we didn't already have, so everything is scattered, out of order, and just thrown into a file folder after hours of printing, helter skelter. I'm just ready to be done looking at that stuff, and I know you know what I mean. There are many strange letters from family, and mistresses. Ready to file it, and maybe put it in a safe deposit box, out of my space.
::nodding::.
Just so ready, Tupp.
When you have son's situation comfortable, and steady... maybe you can visit the cottage for a while. The idea of sleeping with windows open, breeze blowing through, cold white wine shimmering in the moonlight, with a little fire oceanside on the patio brings peaceful thoughts. Maybe you could Airbnb your place out while you're gone? So many moving parts, but they're out moving parts, eh. I can picture Amazon ceremonies.... releasing old energy..... making room for new.
::nodding::.
Lighter
Hopalong:
They can't get you.
They can't hurt you any more.
They
really
can't.
You have built your mossy, peaceful place and you are safe.
You
really
are.
love
Hops
lighter:
OK, Hops.
They can't get me anymore.
Lighter
lighter:
DD graduates this year. I'm feeling warm and fuzzy about touching photos, selecting ones that remind me of our best days....the ones I love, and creating something special for grad announcements. My hands will tell me what to choose, what to add and what to take inspiration from. I love mixed media, and handmade papers. I look forward to turning around and finding myself surrounded by art supplies without realizing I put my hands on them. I like being in the zone, playing in colors, and textures, and I have new water color pencils I haven't tried yet.
I'm on a roller coaster right now, trying to spend more time feeling steady than I spend feeling overwhelmed, and doing pretty OK with it. As I look at the process now, I realize I spend more time feeling flat, than up or down, and I have quite a bit of discomfort with it.
Lots of decisions coming up, and maybe big projects.... all with at least some risks. Risk of choosing poorly, and having to live with the consequences... I judge myself very harshly, and that needs some attention.
I guess lack of self trust is something I'm noticing. Something I deal with next, and I'm not afraid of it. Honestly, I think I'm, maybe..... bored with the idea of getting there, and dealing with it? Maybe bored is the wrong word.
I think i'm framing it wrong, for myself. Maybe.
The frame I'm holding has "Oh, for fuck's sake" written on it, and has an emotional exhaustion.... component... I can't quite put my finger on. Not just exhaustion, but frustration too. Something more, too.
I don't multi task well, and maybe i'm attempting to shift from old living/thinking into new.... and I'm not managing it the way I'm going about it.
I don't think I can sustain the old vigilance, patterns AND add new one at the same time... and I think I haven't seen that pattern clearly.
Hyper vigiliance was helpful and useful. There's no room for it any more. At least not at that level.
I suspect letting it go requires honoring and mourning it.
Putting it to rest.
Whatever comes next needs it's own space. Old stuff has to go.
I'm going to get a lovely cup of coffee, and contemplate photos, and theme for grad announcement while trying to remain mindful of what I'm feeling.
Lighter
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